AN: WELL HELLOOOOOOOO MUNCHKIN´S

FIRST LET ME SAY SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO GRACE YOU WONDERFUL, KIND PEOPLE WITH MY PRESENCE. I HAVE TO ADMIT MY FIRST PROBLEM IS THAT I AM ADDICTED TO FANFICTION! AND AM CURRENTLY SEEKING A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM.. WHICH MEANS I FIND MYSELF DOING ALOT OF READING AND NOT ENOUGH WRITING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO MY LITTLE SORTED TALE, THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC. AND I´M FINDING THAT IT IS A LOT HARDER TO GET THINGS TO ESCAPE MY HEAD THAN I THOUGHT. I´VE LIVED THIS STORY IN MY HEAD FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW AND I AM STRUGGLING A BIT TO BRING IT TO LIFE. I DON´T WANT TO DISAPPOINT THE READERS OR MYSELF.. AND MY ´RL´ TENDS TO REAR IT´S UGLY HEAD FROM TIME TO TIME. NOT THAT ANYONE CARES BUT I´M IN THE MIDST OF BRINGING MY EUROPEAN LIFE OF THE LAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS TO A CLOSE.. SO I CAN RETURN TO THE GREAT OLD US OF A! DOROTHY PUT IT BEST, ¨THERE´S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!¨ THE BIOTCH HAD A GOOD POINT. SO LONG STORY LONGER.. I´M IN THE MIDST OF RE-READING AND RE-POSTING FROM SCRATCH.. HERE IS THE FIRST OF MY RE-WRITE VICTIMS.. HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE AN ENHANCEMENT AND NOT KILL THE STORY.. SO THAT BEING SAID... STRAP ON( NO PUN INTENDED:P) AND ENJOY THE RIDE! SEE YOU AT THE FINISH LINE!

KRAZI!:P

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING, BUT OWE IT ALL TO THE GREAT STEPHANIE MEYER... AND AFTER READING THE COMPLETE TWILIGHT SAGA EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A YEAR AND A HALF, THIS IS JUST MY SORTED TALE.

Prologue:

Merry Christmas Baby!

If you smile with your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just...

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you'll just...

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by... if You just SMILE

*Michael Jackson*

xxXxx

Shit... Aaaaaaa... what have I gotten myself into? What the hell was I thinking?

Those were just a few of the random questions rambling through my head, as tears silently flowed from my eyes, because the one person I wanted most didn´t even know I was here.

Looking at the monitor, I tried with all my might to prepare for the next contraction.

¨Arrrrrgh!¨

¨Isn´t there anything you can do, there has to be something you can give her for the pain?¨ Renée was frantically asking the nurse, who was checking my vitals.

¨I´m sorry Mrs. Dywer, there´s nothing we can do, by the time Bella was brought in she was already 8 centimeters dilated... anything now would slow down the baby´s reflexes and make it extremely lethargic... making the delivery slower, which will inevitably result in more pain for Bella¨ the nurse explained. She began to check me again, and spoke the words that I clung to like a lifeline.

¨Okay Bella, your fully dilated, I´ll go get the Doctor, and we´ll began pushing in about fifteen minutes¨ she beamed.

¨Mom, I can´t do this... I... I... I can´t have the baby. Not without Edward¨ I spoke hysterically, tears pouring from my eyes now. I was on the verge of a full scale panic attack.

¨Hush baby, your doing perfectly fine. I promise not to leave your side, not even for one minute. When it´s all over if you still want to, then you can call and explain everything to Edward. Just as I have from the beginning, I promise to support your decision, but you just can´t call him now and spring this on him¨ Renée soothed.

Of course she was right, I had made a complete and utter mess of things, and suddenly, all I wanted was to feel safe and have Edward´s strong arms wrapped around me. I wanted to feel home again.

¨Here we go again¨ I spoke through gritted teeth, as another contraction ripped through my body. I loved my baby, there was no doubt about it, but this was sheer torture. I fell back on the bed exhausted, while Renée pushed my hair back from my forehead, that was drenched in sweat.

¨Here baby, eat some ice chips.¨

¨Mommy... make it stop... I can´t do this anymore. Mommy please!¨ I cried.

¨It´s okay baby, your doing great, I promise it´ll all be over soon. Just a little while longer sweetheart¨ she said, with tears in her eyes. It only made me cry harder to see the pain my Mother felt for what I was going through.

Just then the door opened and Dr. Blair, along with a team of nurses, walked into the room, all with serious business like expressions.

¨Ready to push Bella?¨ she asked, while popping on a pair of surgical gloves and a face mask. Watching the monitor, ¨Okay Bella. We´re gonna push through the next contraction. Just like you learned in birthing classes.¨

¨I have never been more ready for something in all my life¨ I gasped, while relishing in the small reprieve of yet another contraction.

The nurse raised the back of my bed slightly, placing my feet in the stir ups, with Renée on my left side while she stood on my right, it was time to get this show on the road.

¨Let the games begin, push Bella!¨ Dr. Mason chuckled.

I squeezed Renée and the nurses hands tightly, and gave it all I had, grunting with all the strength I could muster... I gave a big push.

¨10, 9, 8, 7...¨ Renée counted.

¨Okay Bella that´s good, rest for 10... here comes the next one, now give me another big push, just like that one.¨ Dr. Blair coached. ¨Good girl, it won´t be long now, the head is crowning¨ she announced.

¨Okay baby, here we go... push!¨ Renée yelled.

¨Aaaaaaa... I´m pushing...why won´t it come out of there?¨ I screamed hysterically. ¨Mommy please, make it stop... I can´t do this anymore.¨ I cried.

¨It´s okay Bella, your doing fantastic. The head is completely out, once we get the shoulders out, it´s smooth sailing. One more big push and we¨ll have ourselves a Christmas baby!¨ Dr. Blair said.

¨Okay Bella, last time... pushhhhhhhh!¨

One last time I pushed with all I had within me. It felt like I was ripping apart, there was a fire burning in the lower half of my body with a pain so severe, it was threatening to take me under. Just as I was about to give in and let the blackness take over, I heard the most beautiful sound, the one sound that could make me forget even Edward´s velvet voice... my baby.

My baby crying was like music to my ears. Dr. Blair placed the squirming little angel on my stomach and proudly announced... ¨It´s a GIRL!¨

Relief immediately washed over my body as I fought to see my beautiful little girl, through the constant stream of tears falling down my cheeks. Even though she was covered with blood and gunk, screaming bloody murder, she was the most precious baby I had ever seen... and she was mine... mine and Edward´s.

¨Well Grandma, would you like to do the honor of cutting the cord?¨ Dr. Blair asked Renée, who was blubbering and cooing at my little girl.

Immediately I became unnerved, Renée cutting anything anywhere near my baby was enough to get my attention, seeing how my clumsiness is inherited, but fortunately with the Doctor´s supervision, she was able to cut it without any casualties.

¨Bella you did great. We´re almost done¨ Dr. Blair informed me, with a slight look of compassion.

¨What do you mean? Please tell me there are no more babies in there.¨ I questioned, with wide nervous eyes.

¨No sweetie¨ Dr. Blair chuckled. ¨I have to extract the placenta and you have a slight vaginal tear, so unfortunately since we were unable to administer and epidural you´ll fill lots of pressure and a slight burning from the stitches. The local anesthetic should ease some of the discomfort of the stitches, and it´s only five, so don´t worry. Ready?¨

¨Umm... I guess, do I really have a choice?¨ I asked, chewing on my lower lip.

¨No sweetie, I´m afraid not. Here we go lots of pressure.¨

As Dr. Blair began apply massaging my abdomen to remove my placenta, once that was done she stitched my muff closed and sprayed a glorious cool liquid that immediately calmed the burn.

Phil´s niece and I had become really close since I´ve been living here, and she was allowed to video, everything from start to finish. It would have just been to weird to have Phil with me in the delivery room. Now was definitely not the right time, but I hoped to one day share all the things that Edward missed in our daughter´s life, with him and everyone else. More than anything I hoped he would understand and forgive me for keeping her from him. It´s not that I didn´t want Edward to be apart of our lives, but I just couldn´t bear to ruin his... with something that was clearly my fault. I love him enough to sacrifice everything for him... even my life.

Extremely exhausted, I struggled to keep my eyes open, while they cleaned, weighed, measured and foot printed my little girl. I couldn´t wait to have her in my arms, since technically I hadn´t even held her yet. Renée returned to sit at my bedside, clearly beaming with adoration for her new granddaughter.

¨Bella she´s absolutely beautiful. Do you have a name for her yet?¨

¨I have a few ideas, but I´m really not sure. I just wanna hold her and spend some alone time with her, and I just know after that, the perfect name will just come to me.¨

¨Mom.¨

¨Yes baby¨ she responded, still unable to take her eyes off of the squirming infant.

¨Did you know Emmett´s and my name, before we were born?¨ I asked.

¨Well with Emmett, I knew beforehand, but for you it was a different story altogether. It wasn´t until right before I was released from the hospital that I decided on your name, so I understand how you feel completely, sweetheart¨ Renée replied, thoughtfully.

Finally, the wait was over.

¨Here you go Ms. Swan. Will you be breastfeeding, or using the bottle?¨

¨Umm...well...I...I don´t...¨ struggling to articulate a response, I turned to Renée for advice. ¨Mom want do you suggest? I mean, what should I do... what would be best?¨ I asked, nervously, eyes full of panic.

¨Well baby it´s all up to you. I breastfed you and your brother, and for me, it was a way to deepen our relationship. That´s the most intimate time between you and your baby. It´s also something that no one else can do for her. It´s an extremely personal and private moment shared only between the two of you¨ Renée had a strange look of adoration in her eyes, one that she usually reserved for Emmett and I when we had done something really well, or really bad, resulting in a Motherly heart to heart talk.

¨Okay¨ I said, timidly to the nurse, still not sure if I was doing the right thing. ¨I´ll try breastfeeding.¨

She carefully helped me sit up, positioning a pillow in my lap directly under my breast. Next, she helped me cradle my baby in my arms and guided her little head to my breast. It took her minute to latch on, but when she did the sensation of my baby nursing from my breast, was both a bizarre and humbling experience. I mean don´t get me wrong, Edward loved my breast, but this little angel pulling was totally different...like it was her lifeline, and I guess in many ways it was. It was a wholly different experience.

¨Mom! Look! I´m doing it, she likes it... look Mom she really likes nursing from my breast. Lauren zoom in, make sure you get this on video.¨

I could barely contain the excitement in my voice, but I didn´t want to startle my little Ladybug. She was absolutely perfect... ten perfect fingers... ten perfect toes... a perfect button nose... and she was ours... well.. umm... biologically speaking she was ours.

¨Bella, tell me again why have we´ve been doing these video documentary for the last seven months, I mean whose gonna seem them?¨ Lauren questioned, for what seemed like the millionth time.

¨They´re for me...for my baby... just run the camera and stop asking so many questions.¨ I snapped.

¨Geez... somebodies still suffering with the hormonal attitude. It is Christmas you could try being just a little nicer Bella. I did just spent the last twelve and a half hours with you, while my Christmas presents remained untouched!¨ she huffed.

Lauren was absolutely right and I had no right to talk to her that way. She had been putting up with my crap for the last seven months and I still had not told her what I needed all the the videos and pictures for. Only my Mom and I knew that I was documenting everything, so when I did tell Edward he would see that we always loved him and didn´t want him to miss anything.

¨I´m sorry¨ I said, blushing. ¨Your right Lauren, I should be more grateful... and I just... well I just wanna say, thank you for everything... I know I haven´t been the easiest person to deal with, and I´m really sorry¨ I apologized, in a small voice.

¨You guys have been here all night, why don´t you go home and rest for awhile... you could just set the camera up on the tripod and I could work it with the remote.¨

¨Honey are you sure, I mean Phil will understand, and by the way, he´s really sorry he´s not here, but he knew he would just have sit in the waiting room. So he would prefer to come later on... once you´ve gotten some rest I mean.¨

¨It´s okay Mom, we´ll be fine¨ I assured her. ¨It´s only a couple of hours and I´m exhausted, so I only be sleeping... go home and at least enjoy some of Christmas. Good thing I spent all day yesterday cooking. I would really feel bad if everyone would starve because of me.¨

This at least eased some of my unnecessary guilt. Because I felt extremely guilty for ruining everyone´s holiday, I mean just my luck my baby would decide to come five days early. I couldn´t complain, I thought sighing with contentment, this was by far the best Christmas present ever. Just then my cellphone rang, snapping me out of my reverie.

¨Oh shit... I mean shoot... Mom that´s Edward. I forgot I was on the phone with him when I went into labor. He´s probably been worried sick. Please can you just answer and tell him I´ll call him later¨ I spoke frantically.

¨What if he asks me what happened? What did you tell him on the phone?¨

I tried desperately to remember what it was I told Edward my symptoms where. Remembering that I had been complaining about my back and side for a couple of days now. I came up with a plausible excuse for my hospital stay. It was something routine and nothing to cause unnecessary worry... Appendicitis.

¨Mom tell him I had to have an emergency appendectomy, and I´ll be here for at least two days, but it´s nothing major and he shouldn´t worry¨ I begged, with a mortified expression.

I hated to lie, but it seems like that´s all I´ve been doing for the last seven months and I have completely sucked my poor mother into my web of deceit. Could my life get any worse.

¨Hello Edward¨ pause... ¨No she´s fine, it was her appendix. They had to remove it and is she´s resting now.¨ another pause... ¨No! No! That´s completely unnecessary for you to come all the way out here for that¨ Renée look as pale as a ghost, but was successful in her attempts to downplay my illness. Placating Edward with the promise that I would call him in a couple of hours.

Throughout this whole delicate ordeal, Renée looked like she´s aged a couple of years. Constant lying and keeping secrets will definitely do that to you, I personally feel over thirty years old, instead of eighteen. I´m just glad that when I needed her the most, my Mom was the one person I could count on. Finally, after years of taking care of them, my family was returning the favor. I would owe Emmett and Charlie for the rest of my life for respecting my wishes and keeping my secret. I just hope it didn´t cost Emmett, and he wouldn´t lose the love of his life... Rosalie.

After setting up the tripod and handing me the remote, not to mention a boatload of kisses and tight hugs, Renée and Lauren headed home... leaving me alone with my beautiful baby girl and promises to bring me Christmas dinner, in a couple of hours. I quickly maneuvered her to my shoulder for a burp, before switching her to the other breast. The nurse came in to check on us and give me my pain meds. Leaving me with instructions to call the nurses station when and if I wanted to send her to the nursery.

When she was well fed, burped and changed, I propped a pillow against the cold bedrail and situated my Ladybug comfortably. I knew from all the pregnancy books I´d read that it wasn´t a good idea for her to sleep with me, but I thought it wouldn´t hurt just for a little while. I would try very hard not to make it a habit. I then made sure I was filming properly, and began to formally introduce myself to my little angel.

¨Hi Ladybug, I´m your Mommy. Your Daddy isn´t here right now, he´s spending Christmas with your Grandma,Grandpa, Aunts, and Uncles. He can´t be with us right now, because studying to be an amazing doctor and we don´t want anything to get in the way of his dreams. I´m so proud of him. I love him so much... so much so...¨ I paused, choking back my tears. ¨So much so...¨ I continued, in a hushed whisper. ¨We have to live away from Daddy for a while, but he loves you so much and so does Mommy.¨

¨For a lot of good reasons we have to be away from some of our friends and family. I hope that one day they´ll all be able to forgive me, especially your father, because I only did what I thought was best for everybody.¨

Silently my tears fell, as I watched my little girl flutter her lavender eyelids closed, cutting off my view of her beautiful blueish green eyes. Mom said that I had blue eyes too when I was born, but once I turned one or two months, my permanent color set in. I hope so, because she has Edward´s beautiful shade of bronze unruly hair, and the package would not be complete if she wasn´t blessed to have his emerald green eyes.

Studying her quiet little features, I came up with the perfect name: Maysen Abrielle Cullen. Masen is Esme´s maiden name and since she´s a girl I added a ´y´. I would hope that Esme would be honored.

¨Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Maysen.¨ I whispered leaning in to kiss her cheek softly.

Today was by far the best and worst day of my life and it was just the beginning. I closed my eyes and dreamed... dreamed of happier times in happier places. A place where Edward held my hand while I gave birth to our daughter, surrounded by our family and friends. A place where everything was truly perfect.

AN: OKAY..REALLY HOW´D I DO! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT, WHERE I LOVE REVIEWS AND REALLY WANT YOUR FEEDBACK AND INPUT... I DONOT ALWAYS REVIEW EVERY CHAPTER WHEN READING A STORY, SO THEREFORE I REFUSE TO PIMP YOU FOR REVIEWS WITH PROMISES OF LEMONS AND FASTER UPDATES... I HAVE A 10YR OLD AND I WAS A KID ONCE...SO I HATE TO MAKE PROMISES THAT I MAY NOT KEEP... SO YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THE STORY WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY HEART...UNTIL NEXT TIME...THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!

KRAZI

XOXO