I was going to include this in my "Short & Sweet" drabble series but it ended up being much longer than I had originally anticipated, so I decided to make it into a separate one-shot.
This short story takes place near the end of season 13, a few weeks after the episode "Father Dearest".
Still working on my new story "Hurricane" and hoping to have it completed by the end of the weekend. :)
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Amanda Rollins lays upon the tiny bunk bed, a scratchy blanket pulled up over her shoulders and the sheets twisted around her small body, trying in vain to hold in the frustrated sigh that is intent on escaping from between her parted lips. Instead of being curled up on her plush mattress at home, she is stuck at the precinct for the night on this rock-hard excuse for a bed, unsuccessfully seeking a position that is comfortable enough to allow her to drift off to sleep.
The current case she is working on with her squad mates has turned out to be quite a bit more complicated than they had originally anticipated, resulting in the entire team choosing to stay overnight as they try to deal with all of the new and perplexing aspects that have cropped up during the course of the day. They are resting in shifts; half the team presently up in the crib for some much-needed sleep and the other half continuing to work diligently in the squad room below.
Despite her best efforts, Amanda has been unable to drift off into slumber and has been tossing and turning on the narrow bed, figuring it will be next to impossible to get any sleep before they have to switch up with the crew downstairs and she is needed to be mentally sharp and at the top of her game once again. She has discreetly unbuckled her belt and unzipped her pants beneath the covers, letting the material pool around her hips, unused to sleeping in her clothing and fighting the urge to strip completely naked so that she can doze off in the state she is most comfortable in. Amanda figures that would be an excellent way to get fired after only having been on the job for eight months at the Special Victims Unit in New York; not to mention the fact that she is currently sharing the room with Olivia Benson and John Munch, so it might be a bit awkward for her colleagues to find her in the nude upon awakening.
Amanda tries to ignore the tendril of heat that curls low in her belly at the thought of Olivia seeing her without clothes on, chastising herself for letting her thoughts stray in a direction that they seem to be heading in constantly these days. The older detective is nestled underneath the blankets on the bottom bunk that is opposite Amanda's own, and she watches as Olivia's chest rises and falls rhythmically in slumber in the faint glow of the streetlights that are shining in through the window. Her eyes remain fixated on the woman she has had a massive crush on since before transferring from Atlanta the year prior, her feelings only growing stronger since they had posed as a couple while undercover during a case they had worked on together a few weeks previous.
Amanda tries to keep her thoughts from wandering as she listens to the faint sounds of her fellow squad members downstairs, Fin Tutuola and Nick Amaro's low murmured voices mixing in with Captain Cragen's, and to Munch's soft snores a few beds over, intent on concentrating on the case and not on her rapidly exploding feelings for the woman sleeping across from her. She is finding it harder and harder to keep these intense feelings to herself as time goes on and is not sure how much longer she can keep them hidden from the other woman. Olivia has not exactly been friendly with Amanda since her arrival and she is fairly certain that her feelings would not be either appreciated or reciprocated, as the brunette has always seemed a little distant and cold towards her, always holding her at arm's length and never letting her get too close.
Amanda realizes that she has been staring off into space as she thinks about Olivia, her unfocused eyes gazing blankly at the floor next to the older woman's bed, and she frowns in concern when she notices that her fellow detective's hand is twitching sporadically on the mattress, sure that she can hear a slight whimper emitting from the other woman's lips.
Amanda glances over at Munch to see if the older man has awakened and is relieved that his huddled body is turned away from her on the bed, a loud snore piercing the air followed by a series of soft grunts. She sits up slowly on the threadbare mattress and swings her legs over the side, her gaze still resting intently on Olivia's slumbering form and her frown deepening when the brunette begins to trash from side to side, muttering something under her breath.
Amanda doesn't realize that her belt is still unbuckled and her dress pants are unzipped until she stands up and they begin sliding down her thighs. She hurriedly pulls the slacks back up her legs and over her hips, refastening them as quickly as possible as a blush of embarrassment creeps across her cheeks even though it is dark in the room and her companions are sound asleep. Olivia's sleep is clearly a troubled one, though, as the brunette has now kicked the covers all the way down to her ankles while seemingly trying to get away from someone in her dreams and is pleading softly not to be hurt.
Amanda's heart is breaking as she scrambles over to her fellow detective's bed and crouches down on the floor next to Olivia, observing the other woman's flushed cheeks and perspiring forehead, her chest rising and falling swiftly as if she can't quite catch her breath, strangled gasps of air emanating from her mouth.
"Olivia," she whispers as quietly as possible so as not wake Munch, as she knows what a private person the older woman is and guesses Olivia wouldn't want anyone else to witness the nightmare that has her trapped within its dark clutches. "Liv, wake up, you're dreaming."
Olivia lets out another low drawn-out whimper that proceeds to rip Amanda's heart to shreds, the brunette thrashing more frantically on the bed now and her shirt riding up to her ribs while she struggles with some unseen force. Amanda bites her lower lip as the smooth olive skin of Olivia's stomach comes into view but quickly chastises herself for letting her thoughts wander again when the older woman is in such obvious agony, and reaches over to gently pull the shirt back down.
The moment her hand makes contact with the material of Olivia's blouse, her fingers brushing briefly against soft warm skin, the other woman's face contorts into an expression of pure anguish, making a pained sound in the back of her throat like she is being injured and curling protectively into herself on the mattress, the entire bed shuddering in response to her violent shaking.
"Oh god, Liv, I'm so sorry," Amanda chokes out, horrified at her colleague's reaction and hastily throwing another glance over at Munch, stunned and relieved that the older man is actually sleeping through this. "I promise I'm not going to hurt you, okay? You're safe here, Liv. You're safe with me."
Amanda's soothing words seem to penetrate through the terror of Olivia's nightmare and she is grateful when the brunette stops moving around so much and settles back down onto the mattress, her jittering limbs relaxing and going limp. The urge to continue trying to provide comfort to her co-worker is very strong and Amanda's hand hovers uncertainly in the air for a moment before coming to rest very gently on Olivia's damp forehead, tenderly smoothing rumpled dark hair away from her reddened face. She lets her fingers glide very slowly through the long wavy tresses, murmuring soft reassurances as she kneels uncomfortably on the floor next to the bed and carefully reaches down to pull the covers back up over her colleague's trembling form, making sure her hand doesn't graze any part of Olivia's body.
Amanda's stomach flutters nervously as she watches the older woman's eyelids drift open and dart around in confusion for a long moment, unsure of how Olivia is going to react to her presence when the brunette realizes that her younger colleague is crouched on the floor beside the bed and is repeatedly stroking her fingers through her hair after just having witnessed her horrific nightmare.
"Hi," Amanda says softly when Olivia finally makes eye contact with her, and she has to stop herself from reaching out to wipe away a stray tear that is balancing precariously on the bottom of the other woman's long lashes.
"Hi," Olivia responds in a raspy voice that is choked with emotion, licking her dry lips and still appearing slightly perplexed about what exactly is going on, Amanda fighting the urge to smooth her fingertips over the furrowed brow.
"You were having a nightmare," Amanda explains gently, realizing that her hand is still resting in the soft brunette locks, her fingers tangled lightly within the thick strands, but she decides to leave her hand where it is, making no move to pull it away. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Olivia replies quickly, and Amanda can tell that the older woman is fully present in the situation now and it's dawning on her that someone else had been there to witness her torment, those liquid dark eyes filled with a combination of embarrassment and despair and an emotion that Amanda is unable to name.
"I don't think you're fine, Liv," she whispers in disagreement, and her hand shifts slightly in Olivia's hair, the pads of her fingers rubbing tiny circles on the other woman's scalp. "You're shaking." She pauses briefly. "What were you dreaming about?"
Olivia is silent for several seconds, her gaze sliding away from Amanda's and her shoulders hunching up toward her ears as if in defense. "It was nothing," she finally murmurs unconvincingly.
"It didn't seem like nothing," Amanda says softly, aware that she is pushing her luck by continuing on with this line of conversation; that they are not alone in the room and their co-workers downstairs could walk in and interrupt them at any moment, but deciding to forge ahead anyway. "It seemed like you were trying to get away from someone."
She knows that Olivia had been assaulted at some point over the course of her career and although she has not been made privy to the details, Amanda has felt even more of a connection with the other woman since learning of the information and briefly sharing that she herself had been hurt on the job as well. The nightmares that she has suffered since the incident with her deputy chief back in Atlanta have been intense and terrifying, and it is affecting her quite deeply to know that Olivia is very likely going through the same thing.
"No one here is going to hurt you, Liv," she assures her colleague quietly, even though she is not entirely sure what Olivia had been dreaming about but is going on the assumption that it had something to do with her assault.
Olivia doesn't respond verbally but covers her mouth with her hands as if she is overcome with emotion and is trying to hold herself together, her eyes squeezing tightly shut, and Amanda can't remain on the floor any longer while the woman she cares so deeply for is in such obvious distress and has pretty much confirmed her suspicions of what the nightmare had been about.
"It's okay, Liv, I'm here," she soothes softly, scrambling to her feet and hovering there uncertainly for a moment when Olivia's eyes open again and they lock gazes intently, something seeming to pass between them; an understanding of sorts and the acknowledgment that they have both been hurt in the past and that the hurt still remains here in the present, the darkness they have endured simmering just below the surface of their normal, everyday lives.
There is something else that passes between them as well, something so subtle and swift that Amanda almost misses it, but she can see it very briefly in Olivia's eyes before the older woman blinks and it disappears; the realization that the brunette knows exactly how Amanda feels about her and that she has been doing a lousy job of trying to hide it.
Amanda can feel her heart begin to race at this revelation, surprise and dread and fear coiling tightly together inside before the negative emotions loosen their hold somewhat when Olivia stuns her by shifting slightly away on the bed toward the wall, creating a small space beside her on the mattress and holding the covers up with a trembling hand in a tentative invitation to join her.
Amanda is very moved by this small gesture, not used to seeing Olivia so vulnerable and uncertain, the woman she has looked up to since she had first read an article about her back in Atlanta always appearing tough as nails and cool as a cool cucumber, never betraying any kind of weakness or insecurity, and the strong feeling that is coursing through her now is one that she is too terrified to name.
Amanda throws another quick glance over her shoulder at Munch's still form, relieved that their co-worker has remained turned away from them on his bed but noticing that the older man is utterly silent now, no snoring or restless movements while slumbering, and she wonders with slight trepidation if he is awake and listening to them and is aware that his female colleagues are about to share a bed with each other in a public place. She also knows there is the distinct possibility that one of their teammates from downstairs will make a sudden appearance in the room, announcing that it is time to switch things up and it is their turn to resume work on the case, but Amanda pushes all of these concerns to the back of her mind as she slides beneath the blankets next to Olivia, wanting nothing more than to be close to the older woman and continue to provide her with comfort and reassurance.
They lay there next to each other in somewhat awkward silence for several minutes, the tiny bed not affording much extra space and their arms and legs pressed firmly together on the sheets, both of them staring up at the bottom of the bunk above them. Amanda is very aware of the warmth emanating from the brunette's body, can feel the minute twitching of Olivia's limbs in the aftermath of her nightmare and can smell the faint whiff of coconut wafting from the dark tresses that are resting next to her own blonde ones, light and dark strands of hair intertwining with each other on the pillows.
Olivia still seems to be quite ill at ease and Amanda is not sure if she is still coming down from her horrific dream or if the older woman is regretting letting her younger colleague get into such an intimate position with her while at the precinct and sharing the room with Munch who seems suspiciously quiet in his own bed now, like he is most certainly awake and is paying very close attention to what is going on with the two female detectives.
She resolutely ignores the older man and slides impossibly closer to Olivia under the covers, not wanting to make her uncomfortable in any way but unable to put aside that intense need to offer comfort and care, taking a chance and sliding an arm beneath Olivia's neck so that the brunette's head is pillowed in the crook of her elbow, long dark hair spilling across Amanda's arm. Olivia surprises her yet again by cuddling closer into her side and entangling their legs together on the sheets, and she wraps an arm around the other woman's waist so they are practically fused into one being on the ratty mattress.
Amanda can feel Olivia's heart thumping wildly against her own and they seem to be beating in tandem as they lay there curled into one another, Amanda turning slightly to press a soft, chaste kiss to her fellow detective's forehead before she can stop herself, and Olivia's eyelids fluttering closed in response.
"Do you want to tell me what the nightmare was about?" she whispers into the other woman's ear and feels Olivia shake her head against her shoulder.
"Not right now," Olivia murmurs in reply, and Amanda can feel warm breaths of air puffing periodically against her neck, causing her to shiver slightly in response. "Another time, okay?"
"Okay," Amanda agrees quietly, her thumb stroking back and forth along Olivia's hipbone and relieved that the older woman doesn't seem to be afraid of her anymore. "You can talk to me whenever you need to, Liv; about whatever you want, alright?"
"Thank you, Amanda." The brunette's tone is very soft and sincere and still radiating a certain amount of vulnerability and emotion as she speaks. "The same goes for you, okay? I know we have..." Her voice trails off uncertainly for a moment. "I know we have some things in common...some things that have happened in the past..."
"Yes, we do," Amanda confirms gently, noticing that Olivia has moved even closer to her now and they are wrapped around one another on the small bunk like they are never going to let go. "Maybe one day we can share those things with each other."
"Yes, maybe we can," Olivia replies in a slightly ragged tone of voice, and it is obvious that she is still trying to shake off the disturbing remnants of her nightmare. "It's nice not feel so alone, Amanda. Thank you."
"You're never alone, Liv." Amanda leans down to press another comforting kiss to Olivia's forehead and her heart gives a quick leap inside her chest when the other woman unexpectedly tilts her chin up and their lips meet softly, brushing together very tentatively before the kiss deepens, a warmth spreading throughout Amanda's body and leaving a tingling sensation that radiates all the way down into her toes.
They are interrupted by the sudden loud sound of Munch clearing his throat quite gruffly, the older man shifting restlessly around under the covers like he is just awakening from a deep sleep and is trying to find his bearings, but Amanda knows better; is very mindful of the warning that their co-worker is conveying, that he is fully aware of what is happening in the room and that they need to put a stop to it before it goes any further.
She lets another quick kiss ghost across Olivia's lips, tempted to linger much longer than she should, as the older woman tastes so good and it feels so incredibly right to have her pressed up this intimately against her body, and Amanda is just reluctantly pulling away when a couple of male voices ring out into the quiet and footsteps sound on the stairs. The heavy tread of shoes comes closer and closer until the door bangs open abruptly and Fin and Amaro enter the crib, arguing playfully with each other about something, Amanda barely having time to fling herself off of Olivia's bed and scramble back into her own, smacking her head on the top bunk in the process and lowering herself down onto the mattress, heart pounding rapidly in her chest for a different reason now.
"Rise and shine, ladies!" Fin's teasing voice booms out across the room. "Time to switch it up. Cap wants you downstairs pronto."
"You forgot to include Munch in that statement," Amaro observes as he sprawls out across an empty bed with an exhausted yawn, and Amanda is extremely relieved that the men haven't seemed to notice that she was not in the correct bunk when they had entered the room.
"Munch was included in that statement," Fin snickers, picking up a pillow and tossing it in his sleepy co-worker's direction. "You're just one of the ladies, aren't you, Munch?"
"Shut up, Fin," their older colleague grumbles in response, apparently too tired and distracted for one his usual quick and quirky comebacks. "Just give me a minute to get up, alright? These beds are complete shit. It's like sleeping on a slab of concrete. God, my poor body is in agony."
"Yeah, we'll give you an extra minute to get your ass up, old man," Fin jokes, earning himself a very hard smack in the face with a pillow, Munch muttering something under his breath in reply, and Amanda can see him glancing surreptitiously back and forth between Olivia and herself, her stomach tensing in the hopes that her colleague will be discrete about the situation and won't say anything.
A wave of relief washes over her when Munch gives her a small smile and a brief wink, the gesture full of kindness and understanding, a sign that their secret is safe with him, and Amanda smiles gratefully back as she gets to her feet and stretches deeply, her own body feeling like it is in agonizing pain from having to spend a few hours on one of the uncomfortable beds, not mention the headache that is now forming after her unfortunate collision with the top bunk.
There is some chatter about the case and some more playful ribbing towards Munch as Fin and Amaro get settled into their beds and Cragen joins everyone in the room, Amanda gathering up her things to head back downstairs with Olivia and Munch.
As she strides down the stairs with her teammates, ready to work the case again, Amanda feels a soft brush of warm skin against her hand, slender fingers entangling with her own and giving a brief squeeze before letting go, and she glances up to share a quick smile with Olivia, secure and happy in the knowledge that things are beginning to change between them.