Because Of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did,
How
could she have wanted this? I had turned the love of my life into a
horrible, bloodthirsty monster. Why? That is what I have asked myself
countless times, why I let her, why I let myself, do this. I was just
too weak, too vulnerable to let this happen. I promised myself I
wouldn't make this mistake, but I made it any way, and look where
that's gotten me?
I
will not let myself cause my heart so much misery,
I
did this to her. I made her want this. She can't deny that part. She
can't deny any part and say that it was her fault. It wasn't. I never
wanted to do this to anyone, but I did. I damned her. For an
eternity, at the least. I have caused only her joy, but I never
wanted to make her upset. So I went through and did all that I did.
And that was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my entire
life.
I
will not break the way you did; you fell so hard,
I
have already made so many mistakes on my part. So many things that I
have done, and I will regret them all forever. She was screaming a
tortured cry, begging to die. I almost did it so that she wouldn't
have to suffer, but I pulled through and let her have what she
wanted. She made the worst mistake she could have made the instant
that she looked at me, and that is one of the things that hurts the
most. I pulled her down in my eternally dark pit of Hell, and she
only let me.
I've
learned the hard way to never let it get that far,
It's
too late to change time. I never could. I just know that she is mine
for an eternity, and the selling of her soul was at my hands. All
that matters to her is that she is with me forever. She wants to be
with a monster forever by being one herself, and that just isn't
right. She gave up her soul for me. But I will never let myself do
anything like this, again. Either way I'll take someone, but if I
choose the right way, they'll only die slower. That's what tortures
me. No matter what I do, I will end up as a murderer. Because
of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
She
is the reason that I have learned that you need someone in your life
to be whole. From the moment you are born, there is someone with the
other part of your soul, and my other half just so happened to be
born a century after me. She has made me experience so much, and,
because of her, I will never have any regrets if I ever have to come
to the challenging decision of having to take a life, again. I won't.
But she has also made me see things darker than I could ever imagine.
She has made me see that, while I could go off of the sidewalk into
the world of savages, they will run me, a fellow savage, down, any
way. She has taught me that the world can be even crueler than your
parents always told you.
Because
of you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt,
The
safer way, of course, is better. I had my doubts, and I believed, in
the beginning, that I could take the risks that I now think of as
dreams, and I decided against them when I promised myself that I
would not break those promises. Now, I regret not listening to my
conscience. It has always brought me moderately good turnouts, except
for when I left her. When I doubt it, bad things always happen to me
and the people I love. That is the biggest reason why I regret even
going against my own word. I hurt her. She will never get to see her
father, mother, or even Jake, though I still don't want her going go
him ever again. I hurt more than one person, and I ever hurt a person
that I hate. I can be so cruel, sometimes.
Because
of you,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around
me,
I
can't trust my gut, anymore, though. I don't have one. I'm dead. I
can't be sure who might turn into another Victoria, James, or
Laurent, again. My gut is no longer working, so all I have in my
conscience, and even that doesn't work, sometimes, so I have doubt in
my own conscience. I am still afraid for her, and I often treat her
like she is still a tiny, fragile sparrow. I miss the old her so
much, and it's too terrible to live with-or without, rather. She will
never be what I wanted her to be, ever again, and it's all because of
me.
Because
of you,
I am afraid,
I
will never get over myself, and I am afraid that the Volturi will
kill her, anyway, as cruel as they are. But she won't. Not by them,
not by anyone. Only I will be held responsible for her death, and
that makes it so much harder, because I just realized something-she's
already dead. She's already dead, and it was by my hand, anyway. I
lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out,
I
was alone in the beginning, half the time, and I feel alone
sometimes, even still. I will always feel alone, but she makes it a
bit more bearable. No one will ever live my pain, and I can't inflict
it on any of them. I have done that to her already, and I have seen
what damage that does, so I can never do it, again. I have been
trying to hide every little thing from them all. I have only had
about one hundred years more experience than she has, so she was
better off not gong to me. I am not much better off than she is.
I
cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes,
I
am never allowed to show that I am upset, and I think that I am
turning into another Jasper. I am turning into an emotional stone. I
have made boundaries for myself, and it makes the pain come crashing
down on me, and I can barely support that weight, any longer. I can't
let her know that I am hurting inside because it would only make her
worry and cause her new pain in this inexperienced life that she has
just dipped her hand into.
I'm
forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life,
Every
gesture, when I am thinking as hard as this, is fake. I'm surprised
that she buys it anything that I do, anymore because it is getting to
be so constant that it makes me wonder if she has given up on me. I
have made it a priority that I keep in my head a boundary of lies so
that no one can find out what I am thinking, and how much pain I am
going through. I look in Alice's mirror constantly, and to me, it all
looks like makeup.
My
heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with,
If
I had a heart right now, it would be pounding hard from all of the
pain that has been thrust upon me. It would be searching through hers
as it analyzes everything that I do. It makes me frustrated to know
that I can't find out what she is thinking about me. Taking away my
longing heart was too easy, but I would give anything to have it,
again. Because
of you, I
watched you die,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of
you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get
hurt,
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but
everyone around me,
Because of you,
I am afraid,
I heard you cry,
Every night in your sleep,
In
a sense, when I left her for that long, long time, I was watching
over her. I was watching her by not watching her. She was screaming
in her sleep when I left, and I knew she would. She was wrong to do
that. She should have gotten over me, but she just wouldn't let her
wound heal. Even if the day was good for her, she would still be
swept away into an endless, dark voyage in her mind. That is only one
of the many things that I regret making her feel.
I
was so young,
You should have known,
Better than to lean on me,
Even though, in reality, I am old, I am so young. I have not experienced anything at all, and yet she chose me. She chose to let me help her with her troubles, and she attempted to do the same for me. But she made a big mistake by doing that. I was far too inexperienced, and that is the only thing that caused her damnation.
You never thought,
Of
anyone else,
You just saw your pain,
She
never even considered how I felt about it. I guess that she did, in
way, but she only barely grazed even trying. She only saw her idea of
happiness, and nothing else. She was so ready to fall into Hell with
me and burrow into my skin forever. Part of me loved it, but part of
it still spits it out like wasted paper from a printer.
And
now I cry,
In
the middle of the night,
For the same damn thing,
But if I truly made my best effort, I could have hurt her feelings, but at least she wouldn't be what she is, now. I would have so easily charmed her out of this mistake, but I didn't. I don't know why I didn't, but I just couldn't do it. She was so persistent, I guess it just seemed like I would never convince her, even now I know that I could have. I don't like that feeling. I could have done something. But I didn't. She never listened to anything that I had to say about the matter, and she never considered the terrible consequences of her decision if she ever wanted to turn back, which, eventually, she would. She just jumped into the pit of Hell without considering the permanent burns and scars that she would have if she survived.
Because
of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of
you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get
hurt,
Because of you,
I try my hardest just to forget
everything,
But
I will break my promise of worrying about her so that she stays
happy. I want her beginning to be better than my dark one was. I
couldn't ask any more of her: just to be happy for as long as she
can. Then, when she grows tired, and when she sees that her happiness
is truly a curse. But for now, I need her to happy so that I can be
happy for the time that she is. I now realize that I should forget
about changing things because I know that that is completely
impossible.
Because
of you,
I don't know how to let anyone else in,
I
will never let anyone get near her. The only way that would happen
was if she wanted to go to her…or him. My feelings about this have
made me even more possessive than I have ever felt about her before.
But I can't let anyone else in because she is the only one that I
have ever let do that and look where she is. She lost her soul to the
devil, and I am the one to blame. I am always going to be.
Because
of you,
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty,
I
am mad at myself more than I have ever been, before. My life was
nothing from the start, and now I have damned someone, making it
unbearably worse. My life is empty, but, at the same time, it is
reaching its capacity and flowing over the brim because she is here
with me, now. Because of you,
Because
of you,
I am afraid,
Because of you.
She has done a lot of things to me, to us. Some are for the better, but so many more are for the worse. I could never blame her for any of those things, of course. I never could. Every single one of those things is my fault. Now I realize…I can't break my promise. It's too hard, and I don't have the strength to try, anymore. Every single thing that I do will contain tension, and it might never change. It might cause her frustration. So, I guess that there is only one thing left to think after my reflection. Everything is because of me.