A/N: I do not own the mentalist! I was pretty upset after the episode last night, but I feel a little better after writing my own version of what in the world would posess Jane to behave like that. I'm sincerely sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
The Fraud and the Murderer
Patrick Jane slumped in his attic chair and tried unsuccessfully not to wince as the door slammed shut. He deserved that. He deserved all the indignation and anger she heaped upon him. He didn't deserve to be in her good graces. She was too good for him. She was everything he'd always admired, but couldn't be himself.
To be completely honest, despite his arrogance, he loathed himself. He was the scum of the earth, the manipulative genius who looked down on the world. He single handedly destroyed everyone around him, his wife and his daughter and now her.
Long ago he'd given all of his heart to his wife, his Angela. He'd held nothing back, so how was it that any of it remained to belong to another? When he lost his family he thought his heart had died, and perhaps it did. Years later, though, he found that something had survived. Not only had it survived, but it had sparked. No matter how hard he tried to push it down and choke out the flames, they continued to burn. He would never deserve her, though, and if he couldn't kill his own feelings than he would just have to make sure she'd never be able to love him back, because he didn't deserve any scrap of happiness.
He had tried to distract himself by allowing himself to pursue, or rather be pursued, by two very different women. Women who he believed he could deserve, a fraud and a murderer. Despite his best efforts he couldn't feel anything for them.
He tried to have a soft spot for Kristina, the first woman he'd been on a date with after his wife's death, and maybe he succeeded a little, but she was a fraud. She toyed with people's emotions and tricked them to earn money. She embodied everything that he hated about his old self. He'd been infinitely grateful when their date had been cut short, and he had been a little sad when the light had gone out of her eyes. He liked to think he mourned her loss a little, but deep down he knew that it was simply the grief that Red John had taken another victim and that Kristina had never realized her potential.
The other woman had doggedly pursued him. She was perhaps as intelligent as he was, or close to it. In her own way she had tried to make the world a better place by bringing people together, but in the end she used her intelligence to try to get away with murder and then to escape prison. Perhaps he did have a soft spot for her, certainly she was easy on the eyes and it was flattering to have a beautiful woman on his arm, especially one that was as witty as she. But, she was everything he hated about his current self. She was his first kiss after his wife, after all, she had to mean something to him. Yet, even as he tried to convince himself that she did, he remembered all too well their kiss. His thoughts hadn't been centered on the woman in front of him, and as he closed his eyes and his lips met hers, the only woman that he truly wanted to be kissing was another. Someone he didn't deserve. He left shortly after, wondering if perhaps she knew that she wasn't the one he wanted to kiss.
He'd been more than a little disappointed when she had escaped prison after all. It meant they'd meet again, and no doubt another meeting would feed the growing belief in his heart that he'd only ever fall in love with one woman. A woman the he didn't deserve.
When she had cornered him in the attic he was certain that her question was going to be about his true feelings for Mrs. Flynn. For a moment he could tell she was debating whether or not to ask, but she settled for the cop question, the one that duty obligated her to ask. He'd been disappointed. The romantic side of him had hoped beyond hope that she might develop a fondness for him as well, but with her it was always work. She was the little saint who did everything she should. He decided to let the selfish and slightly angry side of himself answer her question. Yes, she deserved the honest answer, but he wasn't going to give it to her. He was a jerk, and he didn't deserve her. As the door slammed he felt a sick sort of satisfaction, she was angry with him, she didn't love him, and maybe… just maybe if he continued his poor behavior he'd be able to convince himself that she never would.