"We're back, Sammy!" Dean's voice echoed through the bunker as we walked inside, arms loaded with plastic bags. He and I had just returned from the grocery store, as we were almost completely out of food. On the way home he did something that he had never done before- he let me pick the music.
"As long as there's no Bieber." Not understanding his reference, I browsed through the radio stations, most of them incomprehensible because of static. Dean stopped me on one station, a feminine yet edgy voice coming out of the speakers.
"Who is this?" I asked, slowly becoming absorbed in the song. He turned the volume down a bit so I could hear him.
"Halestorm. I never listened to them that much, but this song just came out not too long ago and I'm hooked. Lzzy Hale is a total badass and their music is actually decent considering it's release date. It's not too often you get real, good music these days." He began tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel and singing along.
"Here's to us, here's to love, all the times that we messed up. Here's to you, fill the glass, 'cause the last few nights have kicked my ass." I found myself wishing I knew the lyrics so I could sing as well. I sat in the passenger seat listening to Dean try to hit the notes at the end, missing most of them but not seeming to notice. I surely wasn't going to say anything; the hunter looked happy, smiling as he belted out the song with Lzzy. Only when a weather report came on after the song did I speak.
"Dean, I wish to listen to more of their music. Could we play it again?" He chuckled and looked at me for a second before his eyes returned to the highway.
"You can't rewind the radio, Cas. It's different than my cassette tapes." I gave him a confused look. "Don't worry, when we get back we can steal Sammy's laptop and I'll get you hooked up on YouTube. Then you can listen to all the Halestorm you want."
Even after Dean's explanation on how to search for videos, pause, play, and adjust the volume, I was still a bit confused. I didn't need to remember much though- I used the suggested list on the side of the screen and each video that I clicked on, I enjoyed. "In Your Room" and "Break In" were my two favorite out of the six or so songs that I listened to, and I selected another called "I'm Not An Angel." The mood was clearly dark based on the instrumentals, lyrics, and pictures edited into the video behind the lyrics.
"I'll tear you down
I'll make you bleed eternally
Can't help myself from hurting you when it's hurting me
I don't have wings
So flying with me won't be easy
I'm not an angel, I'm not an angel."
The lyrics on the screen began to appear blurry and at first I couldn't tell why. I felt something wet hit my cheek and realized it was my tears making everything so fuzzy. I had only cried once before, when I saw my brothers and sisters falling. Listening to these words began to bring back horrid memories and more tears came. I remembered the pain, suffering, betrayal. I wouldn't even have the ability to cry if not for my careless actions that expelled the angels from heaven. They lost their powers, their grace, all because I made one foolish mistake. I made an attempt to stop the music but forgot what Dean had showed me, and the lyrics kept pouring through the speaker. As the chorus played for a second time, a thought even worse than those before came to my mind.
I failed as an angel.
What if I fail as a human as well?
With my grace, I was helpful. I healed Dean twice, was able to use my "angel mojo," as the brothers call it, to be wherever they needed me in the blink of an eye, and was even of use on a hunt a handful of times. Now I am exactly as Dean had described me some time ago, when Bobby was still alive- a baby in a trench coat. Perhaps not literally, after all my vessel is that of a grown man and I am capable of doing things that are impossible for a mere child, but figuratively yes, I am comparable to an infant. I am of no use to Sam and Dean without my grace, and see myself posing as nothing other than a burden. I may even make things more difficult or cause them harm. Obviously it would be unintentional, but then again I did not intend to destroy heaven. I can't imagine the damage I could potentially cause now, especially considering I have no weapon training, and now there would be no way for me to fix anything that I broke.
I became so engrossed in my fears that I didn't hear the knock on my door. I came to my senses only when I accidentally met Dean's gaze and he looked at me with what I would describe as confusion and sympathy. I wondered how he knew what I was thinking before I realized it was evident on my face; I had not stopped crying.
"Cas, what's going on?" He walked over and sat on my bed next to me, placing a hand firmly on my shoulder.
"Dean, I-" I choked on my words and took a shaky breath, then tried again. "I don't want to be a burden to you or Sam. I'm afraid that without my grace, now...now I'll just get in the way, or make things harder."
"What the hell are you talking about? Where did that come from?" His gaze glanced over to the laptop, where I had finally figured out how to pause the video. The lyrics to the chorus remained on the screen and realization was visible in his eyes. He took his hand off of my shoulder and used it to close the laptop, then moved himself so he was sitting on the bed, legs crossed, facing me. I stared at my hands in my lap. "Cas," he said, but I couldn't bring myself to lift my head.
"Castiel. Look at me." He brought a hand up and put it under my chin, pulling it up so I would look at him. He grazed his thumbs across my cheeks to wipe away the tears and began to speak, never breaking eye contact.
"You have helped me and Sam in more ways than you know. I'd still be in Hell if it weren't for you." He pulled the left sleeve of his t shirt up a bit to reveal the scar that I left there so long ago. "If there's one thing you're not, it's a burden."
"I destroyed Heaven, Dean." My voice trembled and I wondered if he actually heard me. "All of my brothers and sisters, they all lost their wings because I made a mistake."
"We all make mistakes, Cas. You think Sam and I never screw up? It happens to the best of us. But now that's all said and done and we can try to move past it. It'll take time but we'll get there. All three of us. Not just me, not just me and Sam. All three of us. We need you, Cas. I need you. You're not a burden, you're an important part of the team now."
"But what happens when I mess up again?" I couldn't figure out how to stop crying- instead, the sobs got louder and I couldn't see through my tears. Dean pulled me close to him and I collapsed with my head on his shoulder. I felt his arms wrap around me.
"Then we get past it again. I can guarantee you're not going to be the only one making mistakes. We have a lot on our plate and there' no manual to follow. Something you'll learn as a human- when you make a mistake, you learn from it so you know what to do next time around. It's gonna be okay." His embrace loosened a bit and I looked up, meeting his gaze. "You're gonna be okay."
"Thank you, Dean." I had a bit more control over my emotions and managed to stop crying. He smiled at me, and my eyes widened as he leaned in and placed his lips against my forehead.
"You don't have to have wings and a halo to be an angel, Cas."