Author's Note: Hi! MOA here! Before you can enjoy (or hate, which ever one comes first,) ALCHEMIST IDOL I'd like to get a few things cleared. There are some characters in this parody you may not recognize; it is not because you are an undedicated FMA fan, but rater because these are characters a friend and I have created. Here's a small explanation for them:

Sacha Furelise: State Alchemist with the same rank as Mustang. His military nick name is 'the Composing Alchemist', because he is the very first alchemist to ever mix alchemy with music. Strong, modest, and honest.

Dr. Fleur Valentine: Another state alchemist, but with much higher ranking. She is in charge of the Department of Alchemic-Medical Practice and Research for the military. One of the first to try to mix medicinal sciences with alchemy. Caring and kind, she'll be acting as a nurse in ALCHEMIST IDOL.

Lyh: A 'homunculus' with a mysterious background; tends to hang around with Lust, and, in affect, Gluttony. Has a scary temper and can be a bitch (and she's damn proud of it)!

Now- on to ROUND 1! Please, do not hesitate to inform me of any errors in the fan-fic.

Sincerely, MOA.

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or any of the songs used in ALCHEMIST IDOL. I do however own Dr. Fleur Valentine, Colonel Sacha Furelise, and borrow Lyh from my esteemed collegue, Musical Maiden; you can't borrow her unless you have her permission, or Sacha or Fleur with out mine. No touchy.

Alchemist

Idol

Winry: Welcome, everyone, to the first ever, ALCHEMIST IDOL! I'm your host, Winry Rockbell!

Audience: Cheers

Winry: Smiles Allow me to introduce our judges; the musical, much hotter that Mustang, 'Composing Alchemist'-

Audience: Out of control cheering

Winry: SACHA FURELISE!

Audience: CHEERS

Sacha: Embarrassed

Winry: And, the toughest instructor in FMA, TEACHER!

Audience: Cheers and whimpers with fear at the same time

Teacher: Crosses arms Hmph!

Winry: Our Fuhrer, whom we all hate, PRIDE!

Audience: Cheers/Booes

Winry: Back from the dead, Alicia's father, HUGHS!

Audience: CHEERS

Hughs: Pulls out pictures of Alicia and shows them to the crowd Isn't she precious?

Audience: Throws tomatoes at Hughs, somehow avoiding Alicia's photo

Winry: And, last but certainly not least, the conceited, the envious, ENVY!

Audience: . . . Cheers, hardly

Winry: Now, give a hardy welcome to our contestants!

Audience: Gives hardy welcome to contestants

Winry: Now, why don't we begin ROUND 1?

Hughs: Hell yeah, let's get this party started!

Sacha: ...

Pride: Yes, let us begin.

Envy: Gazing in the mirror Hm?

Teacher: Punches table and makes a huge hole in it to show enthusiasm

Audience: Scared; recovers; ROARS

-ROUND 1-

Winry: And our first contestant for the season-gasps- oh, no... Major Armstrong!?

Armstrong's family in audience: ROARS FLEXES

Armstrong: Flexes back

Judges: Sweat drop

Audience: WTF?

Armstrong: Snatches mike from Winry

Winry: Too shocked to react

Armstrong: Still flexing I'd like to dedicate this song to my comrades in the military!

Audience: Uh... ok... whatever...

Armstrong: Sings NUMA NUMA

Everyone: WTF!?

Winry: Pulls spare mike out of nowhere ... Uh, well, that was... very interesting... Let's hear what our judges have to say about your performance, shall we?

Sacha: Coughs Uh, well... that was excellent singing... I'm not so sure about the song choice though... Rates 7/10

Audience: Oo

Teacher: ... What in the name of God... Rates 5/10

Audience: Oo

Pride: I loved it! Rates 9.9/10

Audience: Oo

Hues: Sighs Typical Armstrong... horrible song, but he sang it perfectly... Rates 7/10

Envy: Still looking in the mirror Hm? Oh! Uh... Rates 9/10 without paying attention

Audience: Glares

Envy: Ignores

Winry: Uhm... well, that's our judge's opinion, but who stays and who goes is all up to you! To vote off Armstrong (PLEASE DO) call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BEGONE WITH THE MUSCLES.

Armstrong: Walks off stage

Winry: And now, please welcome our next contestant, Edward Elric!

Audience: Cheers

Teacher: IF YOU SUCK NEARLY AS MUCH AS THE LAST GUY, I'LL TRANSMUTE YOU INTO A SLUG PERSONALLY!

Ed: Whimpers

Audience: Whimpers

Winry: Clears throat Well, Ed will be singing, "Welcome to my Life".

Ed: Thanks Winry. Sings

Audience: PHEW!

Winry: That was MUCH better- I mean - different than our last performance! Let's see what the judges think.

Sacha: Very good, Edward. You were off key occasionally, and lacked emotion when you said "you don't' know what it's like". Remember, this song is for misunderstood teenagers, and as such should have much emotion. Still, not bad for your first performance. Rates 8/10

Audience: Cheers

Teacher: GLARES THAT WAS HORRIBLE! Lucky for you, it wasn't as bad as the last one, so I won't transmute you- for today, that is. Rates 7/10

Ed: Wipes sweat off of forehead Phew...

Pride: Not bad Full Metal... Rates 6.6/10 But I agree with Furelise; it lacked emotion.

Audience: BOO!

Hughs: Hmm, I wonder if Alicia will like that song when she's a teenager. Oh, it'll be so cute seeing her pout when I turn down every guy she wants to date! She'll be a teenager in like 7-10 years now... she's growing up so fast! Cries

Audience: Glares Hey, get on with your rating!

Hughs: Oh, right! Not bad, Full Metal! Rates 8.5/10

Envy: Glares at Ed

Ed: Glares back

Envy: Coldy rates 2/10

Audience: BOOOOO!

Envy: Glares at audience

Winry: Glaring at Envy That wasn't very fair... So it's up to you, the audience, to straighten things out! To vote off Ed, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BYE SHRIMP.

Ed: Walks off stage, not getting the short-guy crack

10 seconds later

Someone that sounds like Ed: HEY!!!

Security rushes backstage with animal cage and tranquilizers

Someone that sounds like Ed: WHAT THE-

Silence

Winry: Well, let's move on, shall we? Our next contestant is the much loved and much taller Alphonse Elric!

Audience: CHEERS WILDLY

Al: Shyly waves at audience Hi, everyone... I'm singing "It's my Life" by Bon Jovi... Please, enjoy!

Winry: Ain't he sweet? Well, let her rip, Al!

Audience: MAD WITH CHEERING GO AL!

WE LOVE YOU AL!

BLOW THE COMPETITION AWAY!

Al: Thank you, everyone! Sings spectacularly

Audience: ROARS CHEERING

Winry: Yeah! That was awesome, Al! Let's see what the judges have to say!

Sacha: Well done, Alphonse. But, don't keep your head down when you sing; it muffles and muddles your singing. Remember, keep your head up high! Rates 9/10

Al: Sweats as he await's Teacher's judgement

Teacher: ... It was ok. Better than the last crap I've been hearing lately. But it's still crap! Rates 7/10

Pride: Good job, Full Metal's little brother. Rates 9/10

Hughs: Awesome Al! Keep it up! Rates 9.4/10

Envy: Jealous of Al I rate...

Audience: Prepares knives to throw at Envy

Envy: Rates 6/10

Security immediately takes action to control crowd

10 minutes later, when crowd is successfully controlled but still pissed at Envy

Winry: Glaring at Envy Thank you Al. Remember, god will send you straight to hell if you do, but if you want to burn, to vote off Al, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message LITERAL FULL METAL. See you later, Al!

Al: Walks off stage

Winry: Movin' on! Our next contestant is- Roy Mustang!

Audience: Cheers

Women of the room: GLARE

Sacha: Rubs temples Oh, lord...

Hughs: Roy! Have I shown you the latest Alicia album? You've gotta see it-

Audience: SHUT UP, HUGHS!

Hues: Clears throat Right, after the show then, Roy!

Roy: Glares

Winry: Let's get this over with...

Roy: Very well! This is for all the ladies in the crowd who are either playing hard to get, or too shy to admit they love me!

Ladies: GLARE

Roy: Singing I'M TO SEXY FOR MY-

Do I need to type more?

Fleur: Passing vomit bags to audience

Winry: Gratefully takes vomit bag given by Fleur Pukes ... Just points to judges

The judges, thankfully, were given their vomit bags earlier, and have already gotten most of their breakfast, lunch, any snack and probably last dinner out of their systems.

Sacha: Glares coldly at Mustang Rates 1/10

Teacher: Still feeling the vertigo Glares at Mustang Keep those things on, boy. Or, so help me, I'll give you no mercy when I slay your guts out... Rates .1/10 only because the judges must rate above .1; Judge's Handbook to Judging Alchemist Idol, pg. 239, section 42, order 79.

Pride: Rates 1/10

Hughs: Tut, tut, Roy, that was very child inappropriate! In fact, that was just plain inappropriate! Angrily rates 1/10

Envy: I LOVE THAT SONG!!! Rates 10/10

Audience: Pulls out bazookas

Security again is rushed to the scene
Audience is sedated, but now very pissed

Winry: ... You've got to be joking... THAT'S OUR FIRST TEN OUT OF TEN?! Someone's eventually gonna execute you, you know that, right, Envy?

Envy: Gazing in the mirror ... Hm?

Winry: Argh! Forget it. To vote off Mustang and be forgiven for all your sins, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BURN THE MINI SKIRT UNIFORM PROPOSITION (and please do actually burn that proposition).

Mustang is kicked off stage

Winry: Our next contestant, and first homunculus of the night, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Gluttony!

Audience: Cheers

Gluttony: Sings PEANUT BUTTER-JELLY TIME!

Audience: Oo

Lust (from the audience): Typical...

Lyh (also from the audience): I told you to feed him before we got here!

Winry: Uh... that was... peanut-buttery. And jelly-ish. But, hey, I'm not the judge!

Sacha: Cough Err... Rates 6/10

Teacher: Sigh That whole performance was the fault of some bastard that felt like screwing with alchemy... Rates 4/10

Pride: You were supposed to sing Ricky Martin! Rates 3/10

Hughs: Hmm, my little Alicia loves peanut-butter and jelly! Rates 8/10

Envy: You'll eat my lunch later if I don't... Rates 10/10

Winry: Ok! Well, that was Gluttony with "Peanut-butter-Jelly-Time". To vote him off, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message I'M HUNGRY FOR GLUE.

Gluttony: Walks off stage

Winry: On to our next contestant, our hard-working, dog-loving, occasionally trigger-happy, Hawkeye!

Audience: Cheers

Mustang: Oh, I've got to see this...

Black Hayate: Woof! (Rock on!)

Winry: Give it your all, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: Thank you, Winry. I'd like to dedicate this number to the person who the person who I feel has supported and inspired me throughout our relationship.

Mustang: Yep, that would me.

Hawkeye: I'd like to thank my dog, Black Hayate.

Mustang: Crest fallen

Women: HA!

Hawk-Eye: Sings Every time we Touch

Winry: Awesome, Hawk-Eye! We didn't quite expect such a feminine song from you though. What do the judges say?

Sacha: Very good. Rates 8.8/10

Teacher: Meh... too feminine for my taste... good singing though... Rates 9/10

Pride: Good, Lieutenant Hawkeye. Rates 9/10

Hughs: Are you sure that wasn't for Roy?

Hawk-Eye: Pulls out gun and shoots Hughs

Hughs: Narrowly dodges O-of course it wasn't! How silly of me to even think that! Rates 10/10

Hawkeye: Blows smoke from gun

Envy: Hmm... Rates 8/10

Audience: Cheering contentedly

Winry: Wow, those were some pretty good ratings! But, again, it's all up to our viewers and audience! This is totally your call, folks! To vote off Hawk-Eye, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message SHE'S GONNA SHOOT ME.

Hawkeye: Walks off stage

Winry: On to our next contestant- all State Alchemist in the room are recommended to cover your butts- Scar!

Audience: Cheers

Ishballans watching at home: HELL YES!

Ishballans at home heard at studio

Winry: Looks like you've got a big cheer squad at home, eh, Scar?

Scar: ...

Winry: Fumes; calms down I see! A contestant that lets his singing do the talking, huh? Well then, let's not keep the audience waiting!

Scar: I will be singing one of my favorite songs. It's called "Getting away with Murder", by Papa Roach.

All the alchemist in the room hide

Audience: Uh, ok then... cheers

Scar: Sings MURDEROUSLY

Audience: Is totally blown away

Winry: Also blown away Uh, well, I've gotta say, that was a killer performance! Let's hear what the judges have to say about their evacuation plans- I mean, your performance! Sweats

Sacha: ... Rates 8/10

Teacher: I LOVED it! Rates 10/10

Pride: ... Thinking: Dammit! What does he know about the military? Was he trying to make some political point with it? Uh, wondrous performance... not like anyone in the military's gotten away with murder though! Rates 7/10

Audience: Idiot.

Al: Slaps metallic forehead

Ed: Anime sweat drop

Lust: Oh my god...

Lyh: Retard...

Hughs: Ed's already recovered from the tranquilizers...?

Winry: ... Uh, moving on with the judging...

Hughs: Very good for a convict! I hope Alicia never gets into that kind of music, though... Rates 8.5/10

Envy: Hurriedly stuffs mirror away Uh... Rates 8/10

Winry: Well, there you have it folks! That was Scar with "Getting away with Murder"! To vote Scar off-

Scar: Glares at audience The great Ishballa will never forgive you if you do...

Winry: -Call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message HE'S TRYING TO BLOW UP MY BRAIN.

Scar: Walks off stage

Winry: Puts on huge smiley smile And now, for our final performance for the night, done by my very own, Grandma Rockbell!

Audience: CHEERS GO GRANNY! GO GRANNY! GO GRANNY!

Grandma Rockbell: Takes pipe out of mouth Waves to crowd

Winry: And, she's gonna sing HANABI, from the Bleach OST!

Audience: CheersG.R.: Sings

Audience: CHEERS

Winry: Awesome, Granny!

G.R.: Thank you.

Winry: Now, let's go to our judges and see what they thought!

Sacha: Quite frankly, it was an outstanding performance. You were on key throughout the song and put harmony it. Rates 10/10

Audience: Woo-hoo!

Teacher: Go, women above 40! Rates 10/10

Audience: Yeah!

Pride: Thinking: She's a ROCKBELL?! She's related to those bloody doctors... but, to improve my already shining image- Rates 10/10

Winry: All right, Granny! That's three perfect scores in a row!

G.R.: Smiles

Hughs: Great job, Granny. Rates 10/10

Audience: Goes wild Realizes Envy's next Prepares knives

Envy: Just to be a jerk, rates 5/10

Audience: Throws knives

Security is too late

Envy: Transforms into Lust Oh, save me Gluttony!

Gluttony: MY LUST! Eats knives

Envy: Sticks out tongue at audience

Audience: Fuming We'll get you yet...

Winry: Glaring at Envy You're just envious of my Granny, you jerk. That was awesome, Granny! But, did the audience like it? To vote off Granny, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message YOU LOOK YOUNG.

Granny: Walks off stage

Winry: Well, that's all for today, folks! Remember to tune in next time, to find out which two contestants you voted off, and to see our Duet's Special! See you then!

Sacha: ...

Teacher: Next time I won't be that sick to transmute Ed...

Pride: Smiling

Hughs: Showing pictures of Alicia

Envy: Looking in mirror