The Perfect Shade of Blue

--

I like to be asleep by this time of night. It doesn't usually happen.

Right now I'm lying on top of the covers of my oversized bed, stretched out on my back, looking out at the sky and the distant city through the floor-length glass panels a few feet away from me. I consider briefly getting up, sliding one open, and walking out onto the balcony. This idea is scrapped fairly quickly. I don't feel like getting up at the moment.

Right now, the sky is at that particular point that only lasts for a few moments each night. Too dark to be called navy, yet it cannot be called black. No, it's midnight in Domino City, and this is midnight blue.

And I am Kaiba Seto, and I wish I were asleep. And not dreaming, preferably. I don't usually have very pleasant dreams.

When I'm wide awake at this quiet hour, it's usually because of such a dream that sleep has been stolen from me. But not tonight. No, tonight I am doubly annoyed to be worried and weaseled out of precious slumber by an annoying, insensitive dog.

"You were born rich, you spoiled brat!" he declared at school today, in that obnoxious way he has. "How could somebody like you ever understand my problems!?"

To which I gave him a glare of significant length before replying, "You. Know nothing. About. Me. Everything I have, I have earned, paid for with my own sweat and blood, with no one to fall back on if I'd failed. And if I had ever let myself falter even once, Mokuba would have suffered the consequences. Can you say the same?"

To which he did not reply at all. He excused himself as the bell rang, obviously having no ground left to stand on in the argument. I imagine that tomorrow, however, or the next day, or the day after that, he will find some area of my character where his prejudices can assure him once again that I am nothing more than an arrogant, spoiled, selfish child with too much free time and money on my hands. This means nothing to me, really. It is the way things have always been, and the way he has always been.

Which leads me to wonder why his words sting so, and why I'm awake at midnight bothering to ponder them.

I never much cared for being part of a group before. I suppose, during my more formative years, I never really had the opportunity. (Memories of Gozaburo, and the reasons why, I beat back with a shudder. Never mind that right now... the past is over. I feel no need to retread those paths in my conscious mind.) But though I wouldn't be so ridiculous as to consider them friends, there are certain qualities about Yuugi and his group that I find intriguing, and... it's a novel concept, to have people I continue to see and interact with day after day, simply because we share interests, passions. To be included, accepted as I am with all accompanying idiosyncracies. I don't pretend to like them particularly. They don't pretend to like me particularly. We simply... get along.

Perhaps I've let myself become complacent. Too used to the idea of being accepted by this group; of thinking of them as people willing to tolerate me, people who understand what I'm about. Jounouchi's opinion is surely not in the minority.

On the other hand, however... if I were about to fall off a cliff, I have not a single doubt that he would reach out to pull me back to safety. And as obnoxious and grating as I find him, I would still return the favor. Not out of personal affection for the annoying dog, mind you, but from a sense of general ethics--people may call me cold all they like; I will still not stand by and let a decent person die. (Yes, despite his posturing, overconfidence, and absolute idiocy, I must grudgingly admit he is a decent person.)

But I wonder suddenly, if I told him I was going to jump off, what he would do then.

The last time I threatened to leap from the side of a building, of course, his main reaction was anger. Not unfounded, certainly--if there had been any official tournament witnesses for that match, I'm sure my tactics would have been termed cheating.

But it was the only way. And if Yuugi had won...whether or not I'd told him I was going to, my first instinct would have been to let myself fall anyway.

Mokuba is my life. This house, my fleet of cars and boats and planes and helicopters, my expansive computer equipment, my theme parks, my corporation, my Duel Monsters deck, my rivalry with Yuugi--they mean nothing compared to him, and they mean nothing without him. Mokuba is the only reason I ever bothered to do anything. I had to take care of him, provide a better life for him...my duty to my parents, to Mokuba himself, the only person who has always been there to comfort me and make me smile...

Sweat and blood, indeed. It has been a long time since I was really happy. I remember it just well enough to be miserable at the lack of it. But it's not Mokuba's fault. I chose to give him my life. He has never asked anything of me... Except, when he was very young, to bring our parents back.

Unfortunately, there are always some things money cannot buy.

The girl, Anzu, was angry with me after that battle; flushed and teary-eyed. She gave me an impassioned lecture on the value of my own life, using the somewhat clever analogy of Star Chips. Your "Life Chip" is the most precious thing you have, she chided me. Don't gamble it or throw it away.

Perhaps she didn't realize that I did not care. Without Mokuba, my "Life Chip" would mean as much as a gold Star and a red glove and no Duelist Kingdom in which to wear them.

...I would not call them friends. I have none of those. But they are people that I can turn to. People I would trust not only with my worthless life. I would trust them with the only truly precious thing I've ever had. They're good friends with Mokuba. They love him.

They're decent people.

My eyes move further upward, and beyond the twinkling glow of the city's horizon, I can see the stars. Pinpricks of light in the midst of that darkness, as though all the light of Heaven had been hidden behind a midnight-colored curtain, letting only teasing bits shine down onto our mortal world.

I remember a saying, unbidden. 'It's always darkest...'

I have lived so long in this world of midnight, existing only to survive. But now, I find, I have been offered something that makes me feel...alive. If I can make them understand... perhaps...

This is the perfect shade of blue for me. I have had my darkest.

I think it is time for my dawn.