Okay, so I looked back on this, something that I wrote about a year ago...and it made me cringe. Seriously. It was that bad. I'm glad a lot of you liked it, but there were things that annoyed me, so I just had to go back and fixed everything (grammatical errors mostly, I'm afraid I've been turned into a grammar monster thanks to my Honor's English class .). SO here's the revision of Mr. Mom! Read and enjoy if you haven't already! :D Oh, and review as well!
As an Uchiha he had many responsibilities, he had many goals. Uchiha Sasuke had completed nearly every goal he had set for himself.
1.) Revenge
2.) Marry Haruno Sakura
3.) Resurrect clan
4.) Produce male heir
5.) Teach said male his first word
Four of those five have been accomplished, now all that was left was number five. Teach Uchiha Sousuke his first word. Before the running around and screaming commenced, yes, he married Haruno Sakura—now Uchiha Sakura.
Just two years ago, he had been lost on the path of vengeance, but of course Sakura still hadn't hated him. It seemed that the incidents involving the two only made her love for him grow stronger; it seemed to fuel all of her actions. Now, almost 2 and a half years later, Uchiha Sasuke sat on his couch, staring at the wall with a look of horror.
"Isn't this great Sasuke-kun? I'm finally getting off of maternity leave! I finally get to go on a mission! Isn't it wonderful?" Sakura's cheery voice echoed loudly in the Uchiha Manor.
Uzumaki Naruto had given her a mission quiet literally right after she had gotten off of maternity leave. And seeing how he was the Hokage and all, no one could influence his decision…except for Hinata. She was probably the only one person that could get away with anything.
"Hn…" The grown man muttered, clearly outraged by the idea. Uchiha Sakura was around the corner in the kitchen while he, Uchiha Sasuke, sat in the living room, a seven month old infant on his knee. Very manly…very manly indeed.
"What do you mean 'hn'? Aren't you happy for me Sasuke-kun?"
He could sense the pout in her tone.
"Tch, no." Sasuke growled and focused on the not-even-a-year-old Uchiha. Sakura was going on a mission, and she had only given birth about seven or eight months ago. He was worried sick; and that should have meant something. He was an Uchiha; and an Uchiha did not worry over simple matters. Of course he loved her, of course he wanted her to be happy, of course he wanted her to succeed, but if it risked her life, then it was out of the question.
"What?"
Sasuke nearly cringed when he heard her shout and the clang of a few clangs of most likely dropping pots and pans.
"What?" She repeated. "How come? I can handle myself, you know."
More clangs and crashes could be heard and Sousuke, the infant, cocked his head to the side as if to say 'What the heck is going on?'. Giving a sigh and shifting Sousuke to his other knee Sasuke told her,
"I don't believe you are ready to go straight into full on missions. You should get some sort of simulator exercise." Now, he probably should have worded that better. Yet again, Sasuke heard the furious banging of silver cooking items…wait…had she just thrown a cup against the wall?
"I was the apprentice of the Godaime! You don't think that I'm capable of going on a mission? I'm your wife; you need to support me and my decisions! I work my a—butt, I said butt," she made the both of them both cut back on the cussing because of Sousuke, "off every single day, so I think I deserve your approval on this!"
"Sousuke will miss you if you go." The oldest Uchiha cut Sakura off before she went into overload mode. The clangs and bangs ceased, utter silence was heard except for the mumbled 'Da!' from Sousuke. Sasuke peered around the corner from the couch and saw her poke her head around the corner as well, a frying pan in hand. "He'll feel alone." He added for good measure. Sakura raised a pink eyebrow, set the pan on the kitchen table, wiped her hands on a dish rag, and made her way over to her son and husband.
"Are we even talking about Sousuke? Sasuke-kun…are you nervous about babysitting your own son?" A tinkling laugh escaped her full lips as Sasuke ground out a 'hn'. "You'll be fine! He's an angel, you make a good father, so it won't be a problem. Just go with your instincts. But," Sakura's face clouded up with a look that could scare Naruto out of eating ramen for a week, "if I come back to find Sousuke shoved into the fish tank because of your 'instincts', I'll be sure to make you unable to produce another heir."
The best part was, she would do it too.
In a lazy fashion, Uchiha Sasuke shoved his right arm out from the tangle of covers and groped for the off switch to the annoying alarm clock that beeped profusely. Sakura insisted that they have one; she had to be punctual to everything.
Okay, it was day one with Sousuke, no problem. Absolutely no problem. The Uchiha had taken on five Kages', Orochimaru, Uchiha Itachi, and Danzo; a baby was nothing compared to that. Right? All they did was eat, sleep, and poop—same thing as the Naruto. In fact, handling Sousuke wouldn't be half as bad as handling Naruto.
Remembering that Sakura had to leave early, Sasuke felt around for her waist, wanting to spend a few silent moments with her before she left; there was nothing like relaxing in bed in the morning with his spouse.
Unless she happened to be pregnant.
He learned that from experience. His right arm was still draped across the nightstand table and his left arm searched for the familiar pink haired woman. Strange…he thought, she's not here…is she already up? Sitting up, he used his palm to rub the sleep from his eyes and looked to his left. She had already left, but she had been kind enough to leave a note on her nicely fluffed pillow.
Dear Sasuke-kun,
I wish I could have stayed longer in the morning, but I had to leave extra early and I apologize. I'll be home in about a day or so, so don't worry. I know you're probably biting your nails on the inside, but I have Neji-san and Hinata-chan with me. They'll protect me, and don't you dare be bristle because I'm with another man for a whole day.
"Hn." The woman knew him well.
It's just a simple escort mission to the Land of Waves. Do you remember our first escort mission to the Land of Waves? Gosh, it feels like it happened life times ago…Now, Sousuke is a very picky eater. He only drinks apple juice in the mornings; no milk. Trust me, I've tried, but the child is too stubborn (I blame your genes). His favorite baby food is the lasagna kind; you should feed that to him tonight. Because of his sensitive stomach, the pediatrician has set him on a specific feeding schedule.
8:00 pm, feed breakfast (apple juice and baby food)
12:00 pm, feed milk (he will actually drink milk after 12)
4:00 pm, feed dinner (lasagna)
8:00 pm, feed milk and small snack
He must be on time with his schedule; otherwise…you don't want to know the outcome. Believe me. I don't care if he cries and cries and cries; you cannot feed him if it's not at one of the times listed above. Sousuke is also a tricky sleeper. He hates naps so you have to be careful with that. Normally I give him a bath right before bed because he detests that as well and tires himself out because he screamed for so long. When putting him down for the night, you must wrap him up like he's in a cocoon. If he has any wiggle room at all, he won't sleep. It's strange, but just do it.
7:30 am, wake up
12:45 pm, afternoon nap
2:15 pm, wake from afternoon nap
9:00 pm, bedtime
That's basically it I suppose. Oh! Sousuke is starting to teethe; it's a very painful process for babies and they like to chew on things, kind of like puppies. Babies also have a tendency to stick whatever they can fit in their fist, into their mouth. That means no sharp object on the floor, no floor cleaners left around (or any other chemicals for that matter), and nothing of special value left in his reach. I left his teething ring in the fridge; it becomes soothing to the baby's gums when it's cool, so after each usage put it back into the fridge. Make sure he doesn't pull the safety plugs out of the electrical sockets; he's done it before and shocked himself.
Sousuke also has a fascination with flashing lights and candles, so be sure to never let him be in reach of candles or flashing lights. Around now he should be starting to talk. It'll be incoherent babbling, nothing complicated; and don't be surprised if it's not momma or papa. It's hardly ever a baby's first word. Be especially careful with your choice of vocabulary around him, you never know what he might pick up and store in his mind. Some solid foods are ok, just don't feed him a bunch of junk; it's bad for his system. Alright, I have to go now; I love you and will return soon. Don't worry you'll survive.
Was it just Sasuke, or had it looked like she had written 'I hope' on the end of that sentence but erased it?
Tell Sousuke that I'll miss him and I love him as well.
Love,
Sakura
(Ps. whatever you do, don't leave Naruto alone with Sousuke. You never know what the idiot will try)
"Hn." Sasuke never knew she had such a complicated day worked out for the kid. He folded the note and placed it back on her neatly fixed pillow. It was just about seven-thirty, which meant he had to wake Sousuke.
Right on cue, small whimpers from down the hall caught the Uchiha's sensitive ears. Those mewling whimpers turned into hardcore wailing in a matter of five seconds, literally. He made a noise that sounded somewhat like a groan and a sigh combined—a strange sound for Sasuke. Sousuke's cries became impossibly louder and he raced down the hallway to shush his son up. Flinging the door open to the nursery, Sasuke fumbled over to the crib and snatched the Sousuke, pressing the infant's head into his father's well-toned chest and supporting his small rear. Sousuke fell silent. It was as if the sound of his father's heartbeat was comforting to him.
At eight, the two sat at the kitchen table, and Sasuke set a sippy cup filled with clear-ish yellow juice in front of the younger Uchiha.
"Da!" He gurgled and clapped his hands in a strange fashion, all the while with a toothless grin. Sakura hadn't been kidding when she said that the kid loved his juice. No sooner had Sasuke made his way to the pantry, Sousuke finished his drink. "Da!" He repeated and threw the cup on the ground with a squeal. "Ba, ba, ba, ba…mna!"
Sasuke stared at his son, hand still keeping the pantry door open.
"Ba-ba!" The child yelled while slapping his hands on the tray of his highchair. The father kept staring as the hyper baby wriggled round in his high chair, trying to make his way to the cup on the floor. "Da!" He whined and reached for it, his small hands clenching and un-clenching.
"Fine." Sasuke said and bent down to pick it up. "Don't throw it again." He told his son plainly as he set it on the plastic tray. Well, of course Sasuke told him not to throw it, so what did the child do as soon as Uchiha Sasuke turned around? He threw it. He threw it right underneath the stove. Perfect. "Well that's your own fault." Mumbling, Sasuke unscrewed the lid of a random baby food jar; he thought it was mango and peach or something like that.
"Da! Da! Da!" Sousuke shouted at the top of his lungs while his father stuck a spoon the jar.
"I told you not to throw it again. If I go get it, what will that teach you? It'll teach you that I don't keep my word. It'll show you that I won't mean what I say." Of course he probably couldn't understand a word Sasuke said, but that message to get through to him sooner or later. Once again, the older Uchiha plopped himself in front of his son. "Eat." He said simply and held the spoonful of food in front of the child's mouth.
"Da!" He shrieked and pushed the spoon away with a chubby hand.
"No, eat it Sousuke." Honestly, it was like talking to a child…wait a second…he was talking to a child. Sasuke found himself staring into eyes of an onyx, inky black color. Eyes that were the exact same as his own.
The Uchiha traits were dominant; which meant that there would be no children with pink hair in the new Uchiha clan. That also meant that no Uchiha children would have green eyes. No beautiful, emerald green eyes. It almost saddened him that he wouldn't have any children with the same eye color as Sakura, but then again, wasn't Sakura supposed to be a unique, one of a kind individual? How could she be one of a kind if all of the children had the same eye or hair color as her?
Suddenly, Sasuke felt something sticky and warm on his hand, it brought him out of his state of contemplation…Sousuke hadn't…
He had….
He dumped the entire jar of food on his father's hand and arm…
~12:45~
"No! Sousuke!" Sasuke was currently trying to contain the screaming ball of energy that did not want to nap. Oh, he wailed, and cried, and screamed. One would not believe how insanely loud the child could be. Sasuke blamed Sakura's genes. Trying to wrap a child up in a blanket cocoon was like trying to fit a pig into a tutu.
It just didn't work.
So far Sousuke had: dumped baby food on Sasuke's arm, threw Sasuke's kunai collected in the garbage disposal, tried to pull out the safety plug for the electrical socket like Sakura said he would, chewed on the couch, vomited on the Persian rug, and other grotesque things that Sasuke felt would be too horrifying to even speak of. It was only about the middle of the day and he was ready to jump out of a window.
How the hell did Sakura deal with this every single day? Tch, she said that he would be an angel. Sousuke an angel? I don't think so. It's more like, Sousuke—little mutant spawn of the underworld. He had the strangest feeling that he had just insulted himself…
"Ba! Ba-mna!" Sousuke's strength was no match for his father's, but he was still a tricky little devil. It really did take Sasuke ten whole minutes to wrap the kid up so tightly that he probably went slightly numb. But, apparently, that was how he slept…
~Two-fifteen pm~
Waking him up wasn't as bad as Sasuke thought it was. But, he had noticed something heart stopping—they were out of lasagna baby food. Out. As in, they had no more in the house. Some might have thought 'So what? Just go shopping.'
Well, newsflash, Uchiha Sasuke didn't do shopping, shocking really. Hell, he didn't even know what place even sold baby food. So, he was screwed. Either, he went out and searched for a store that looked like it might sell baby food, or he would try and survive the night without lasagna.
It was seriously hard to choose, Sasuke really didn't want to go out, and he really didn't want have to deal with a screaming Sousuke again. The decision was tough, Sasuke would admit, but he decided to go out, which meant he would have to carry Sousuke with him. Which meant he would have people staring at him everywhere he went.
Great.
Sasuke dressed the small boy in a tiny black T-shirt and white shorts, the Uchiha fan printed on both articles of clothing. A small mini Sasuke. The Uchiha's received many comments and heard many whispers from the towns' folk while they were out and about. Hn…it must be like this for Sakura every time she goes out…I never knew that she has to deal with these kinds of things on a daily basis.
~Four pm~
Shopping was a disaster, to put it extremely mildly. Sasuke just had to run into Naruto, and Sasuke just had to go have ramen with him, and Naruto just had to give Sousuke some of his ramen while Sasuke was using the restroom. So of course Sousuke just had to vomit on the entire table. In public.
Note to self: Never, ever feed Sousuke out of his schedule. And to make matters worse, the idiot had left the Uchiha to deal with cleaning up the putrid, white colored vomit. Not only that, but he had to stop because Ino had found them. Yamanaka Ino: Uchiha Sakura's crazy best friend, mother-to-be, blonde—blondes always annoyed Uchiha Sasuke more so than the rest of the population—and Sousuke's aunt. She wasn't technically his aunt, but she and Sakura were nearly inseparable, so they were about as close to sisters as one could get. With directions from the self proclaimed 'aunty piggy'—Ino insisted on being 'aunty piggy'—Sasuke found a stand in the market that sold baby food. However….
There were so many different damn brands.
Did Sakura like the Gerber, or Carnation Baby? More importantly, Sasuke looked down at the child he held close to his side, which one would Sousuke eat willingly? Only three brands made the lasagna kind—Gerber, Carnation Baby, and Parent's Choice. Well there was only one way to find out for sure. And that was to let Sousuke choose for himself.
"Sousuke, which one?" Sasuke shuffled him around and held him up so he was eye level to the wooden stand. His small head had turned back to look at his father quizzically. Or, as quizzically as a baby could look. Heaving a heavy sigh, Sasuke reached forward and set the three different brands before the infant. "Pick. One," Sasuke pointed to the Gerber jar, "two," the Carnation Baby, "or three." He tapped the lid of the Parents Choice jar. "One, two, or three."
Sousuke actually looked as if he were contemplating. Well no doubt they had a prodigy in their midst; their child was deciding which baby food he wanted at the age of seven months. Yes sir, a real prodigy.
"Un!" He suddenly shrieked and grabbed the Gerber with a hysterical, maniacal, laugh.
Alright then. Sasuke mused, gently prying the jar away from Sousuke. He paid quickly and then left. Now here they were, sitting at the dining table, Sasuke trying to force Sousuke to eat his food. "Sousuke, eat your food this instant dam—…." Sucking in a breath, Sasuke remembered the strict 'No Cussing' rule Sakura had enforced.
If she came back from her mission to find our son shouting 'dammit' at the top of his lungs, who would she automatically blame?
Yeah, Sasuke.
Who would she castrate?
Sasuke.
Who would she kick out of the house for a week?
Well no shit Sherlock, Uchiha Sasuke!
"Rats it!" He managed to hiss. The pink haired woman didn't even want to say 'darn it' in front of their son. But, they had both come to the conclusion that 'rats' was okay. Sousuke whimpered and his full bottom lip—that he received from his mother—trembled threateningly.
His dark eyes that mirrored Sasuke's gathered moisture at the edges and he grabbed his pants. The universal symbol that he was about to break down and throw a fit. Knowing the potential outcome Sasuke inwardly began to panic.
Ok, think…you've seen Sakura feed him before…she never has a problem…how does she-…wait a damn minute…she does that… Nope. Uchiha Sasuke wasn't doing 'that'. Not even if someone paid him twice—no, three times the Hokage's salary.
"Mnnnaa…." Sousuke sniffled and opened his mouth wider, preparing to let loose the screaming.
"Oh alright, Fine." Just for the record, Sasuke was basically forced to say what happened next. "Y-you are my sunshine…my only sunshine…"
The key to getting Sousuke to eat was to sing him 'You are my Sunshine', and if any of the rookie nine discovered the fact, the humiliation would be never ending.
"You make me…happy…" Sasuke clenched his jaw, "…when skies are gray…you'll never know…dear…how much I…love you…so please don't take…my sunshine…away…." It was broken and choppy, but Sousuke calmed himself down nonetheless. After that, everything went smoothly, that was, until they got to bath time…
~Eight-thirty pm~
Sasuke hadn't fed Sousuke a snack at eight due to the incident with the ramen earlier in the day, and the child hadn't seemed to mind. But it did seem as though he knew what time it was; he knew it was…
Bath time.
The most dreaded time of the day for him, Sasuke, and Sakura. "Sousuke…" Sasuke called and plucked him out of his playpen. "Bath—" He didn't even get to finish his sentence.
"Bwa!"
Sasuke thought he officially went deaf…
Sousuke screamed and tried to push his father away. Trying to subdue Sousuke was nearly impossible, even for someone as great as Uchiha Sasuke, the legendary ninja.
Eventually Sasuke dragged his son to the master bathroom in the that bedroom he and Sakura shared. Sitting Sousuke on the toilet, Sasuke yanked off his little shirt, his white shorts, and the diaper. It was funny; Sasuke hadn't had to change any diapers at all. Not that he was complaining or anything, changing a diaper was a woman's job. Most certainly not a man's. Sousuke shouted and starting kicking his feet, a very unmanly thing to do, even for a baby.
"Uwa!"
His furious cries become louder as Sasuke scooped him up and placed him in the lukewarm bath water that he had prepared. Sasuke remembered Sakura had mentioned before that Sousuke seemed to relax if there were bubbles in the bath, so he poured some of Sakura's shampoo in the running bath water before fetching the distraught child.
"Duh! Duh!" He wailed.
Well, Uchiha Sasuke had never heard that one before, so he just blinked.
"Duh!" Sousuke reached for a little yellow thing sitting on the other end of the tub.
"Duh?" The older man mumbled confusedly and grabbed the object of his son's intention. Oh. He had meant duck. "Duck." Sauske stated and handed it to him. For a minute, the hollering ceased and Sousuke looked at the rubber bath toy, and then at Sasuke. "Duck." He repeated and reached for the soap.
"Duuuph…" The infant gurgled and put the toy in his mouth. Hesitantly, Sasuke scrubbed the soap in his hair and yet again repeated,
"Duck."
"Duuuuuuuuph."
"Duck." Scrub.
"Duph." Splash. Squeal.
"Duck." Twitch. Scrub. Cough.
"Duph!" Big splash.
"Du-ck." Sasuke emphasized the 'ck' and pulled his son out of the tub. Sousuke glanced at the toy, then at his father, and then reached up to grab at Sasuke's hair. He pulled on the ends and cooed,
"Du-ck!"
Twitch.
~Nine pm~
"Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck!"
It was apparent that young Uchiha heir had made a connection between his father, Uchiha Sasuke, and a rubber, yellow bath toy. To him, Sasuke was seen as a duck. Well, at least he had taught Sousuke his first real word.
Sousuke yanked on Sasuke's hair again with a giggle. "Duck!"
"Aa, duck." Even Sasuke was exhausted after the day's events.
Yet, Sakura managed to keep going with extra energy to spare for him and their…er, midnight activities, as he'd put it. He had a whole new opinion of his wife now. How could women actually want children? How could they possibly want to deal with the screaming, the crying, the hormones and anything else that came in the package with the 'joyous' gift of a child? Okay, Sasuke would admit, he wanted a child as well, but after doing this… he might have changed his mind. Key-word being might…
"I don't understand how your mother puts up with you…" Fighting a smirk and obviously losing, Sasuke opened the door to the nursery. And Sakura was right; Sousuke had tired himself out in the bath and had no energy to put up a fight. Of course he shed a few tears, but that was it. No screaming, no bawling, just a few tiny tears. Sasuke knew it was terribly out of character, but he leaned down into the crib and placed his lips to his son's seeming normal forehead. Sakura fretted that it might become 'abnormal like hers had been' so she always checked it every day.
"Go to sleep now…" Sasuke's tone was hushed, unusually quiet and serene.
"Duck…" Sousuke murmured and latched onto Sasuke's face. "Duck…"
"Hn." Oh what the hell…
"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura called quietly, returning to her household at one in the morning. "Sousuke?" The woman closed the door softly and tip-toed up the stairs into her bedroom. The house is somewhat clean…no diapers on the wall, no Sousuke in the fish tank…She thought with amusement and opened her bedroom door just a crack.
Ah, her husband was here alright. Sakura stared at him for a good minute before fully opening the door and stepping inside. Her favorite times to watch Sasuke were when he was either training, or sleeping. The training, well, it just made him look amazing; doing all those complicated fighting techniques. And sleeping, he just looked so at rest, so calm. He looked so different.
That's when she noticed the small lump in the crook of his right arm. With a small chortle, she stepped forward and whispered, "I love you; both of you." Sakura kissed the head of her two most beloved people and thought to herself, Ugh, I reek! In that moment she decided to take a shower and then relax in bed with the rest of her family. However, when she opened the door to the master bathroom, Sakura almost let out a scream. Water pooled at her feet, towels were thrown on the floor, dirty diapers in the sink, and…was that her shampoo opened and empty on the bottom of the tub? "Uchiha Sasuke…." The rosette growled.