Cinderonka: Chapter One: More or Less the Beginning
Hermione gazed passionately at Seamus for the thirty-fourth time at the Third Annual Yule Ball. She had worn her most suggestive robe from her little supply of such things. In A Witch's Guide To Slutty Spells (by Gilderoy Lockhart) (horny bastard) she had learned to make fish-net stockings and to push her boobs up to maximum height.
Ron was not so pleased with her new crush. While Harry made-out with his new girlfriend (some French exchange student) and Hermione made the moves on Seamus (who was responding with enthusiasm) he sat alone and his thoughts often wandered to Hermione, the sexy beastlette that she was. He had asked her to dance once but she had just said "Look Ron, I'm not desperate but thank you. Seamus just asked me to save a dance for him." Ron felt utterly rejected. He had sobbed in the boys' lavatory until Harry had dragged him out (with a nice shade of lipstick on his face) muttering "you are so pathetic."
"Why is it that all of my friends are hottie boombalatties yet I remain Ronald the Unwanted and Deodorant-Deprived?"
"You honestly don't smell that bad." Ginny patted his shoulder from behind.
"AH! What are you doing here?"
"I was invited. By Neville." She smiled dreamily as Neville walked over, flaming red which accented his acne, but he had lost weight, thanks to the L.A. Weight Loss program. I don't know what he ever would have done without it!!!
"Even my little sister's got a date." He groaned as the couple floated off to cloud number nine. He decided he couldn't watch Hermione and Seamus dance one more time without bursting into tears again. So he left the ball. Up to the Gryffindor common room to wail unnoticed on his pillow. Again. Just like last year's ball. But last year he had liked two girls and was able to get one to dance with him.
"Wussup Ron?" Asked a male voice.
"Go away." He mumbled into his pillow. "Dance at the stupid ball, see what I care."
"Quit your belly-achin' and shut up. I'm your fairy-god-dude."
Ron jerked up off of his pillow, red eyes not complimentary to his hair. "What?"
"If I have to repeat myself until you get the idea the ball will have ended and you will remain ugly."
"I'm not…"
"Admit it, you may be cute but you're too tall and gangly and… skinny with a bit of a pot-belly."
Ron gazed down at his pouch-like stomach.
"Chicks just don't dig it."
"Oh, well… I'm going to join a magical gym once I graduate… and fill out this form the way nature intended." Ron was very touchy on this topic.
"Nature intended you to be a gangly, skinny-ish freak." The fairy-god-dude leaned against the bed post and smirked at Ron. "However, I have other plans for that form."
"Wh-what are you going to do?"
"Have you ever read-…" Ron cut him off.
"I don't read." Ron affirmed.
"Hermione will never date you." The FGD (fairy-god-dude) concluded. "On second thought, you're screwed for life, damned to die an ugly, stupid, talentless virgin who happens to know the BOY WHO LIVED!"
"I helped him! And I'm bloody good at chess mate!" Ron puffed up. "And I've readed… excuse me…read some things. I just… I would even read to get Hermione."
"Did you know that there's gonna be another ball this year?"
Ron shook his head.
"Yeah, that's right, and you'll have arm candy for that one!"
"But I thought you wanted me to lose weight…."
"IDIOT LAD!" The FGD slapped Ron upside the head. "Arm candy is like a girl that goes to the ball with you and looks mad hot."
"Hot?"
"Oh my dear lord, you are an idiot."
"Isn't that an American expression?"
"Oui oui monsieur!" The FGD laughed.
"Je ne parle pas francais." Ron gaped. "Est-ce que je suis dite cette?! JE PARLE FRANCAIS! Oh la! Oh la! Arret! Je ne veux pas parle cette langue…. I WANT TO SPEAK ENGLISH! Oh… that's better. How did that happen?"
"See how great my magic is?" The FGD polished his nails. "Do you want to be all ass or no class?"
"Huh?"
"Hot or not?"
"It is rather cold…."
"Stupid head, you have no choice. BADDA BING!" And Ron was muscular, smart, master of four languages, and… he was a very sexy beast.