Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters portrayed. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is made.
It was like seeing a boat cast off, cutting all the ropes one by one and in silence, watching it inching towards the dark line of the infinite. Brian wondered, eyes open waiting for the gray light of dawn, how long would take them to cut the last tense string, pitifully brittle, that was keeping them together.
One of them had to make the first move and say goodbye. To go away and hope that time might close all their wounds. Because they couldn't continue like this. It was a dangerous game, and Brian knew he was hurting Roman and hurting himself. He wanted to stop it, but he kept giving of his body, his dry lips, the disturbing experience of his tongue, the dark abyss to sink in to. Even when there was nothing inside him of passion or ecstasy. It was like he had fallen in some dark and cool place, where he could not see or feel anything. And the only real thing was this stabbing pain in his chest. And Rome could sense it too. Brian knew that the more his lover drank of his mouth, the thirstier he became. That's why in the end he was always frustrated, coming inside Brian with violent, rabid spasms. One forbidden word hanging over them, roaring in the silence of the bedroom. It was more than a name. It was a shadow, a ghost. Rome hated it, hated him, and at first he had tried to tell Brian he wasn't worth it. That he shouldn't waste his time thinking about him. That was the only fight they'd had. That wasn't something Brian wanted to talk about, and despite his love for Roman, it wasn't any of his business. Because judging his love for D... for him, Rome was despising Brian's love too, he was disregarding his own pain. And it hurt so much. Brian felt like he was burning with pain, from his inside out.
It was like a cancer, an illness running through his veins. He could feel it in his muscles, in his troubled breathing. Brian felt strange, as if he was running a fever, but at the same time his heart was frozen. And the worst was not that it was killing him - he was already dead - but that was also dragging Roman into the darkness, and that was not fair. That's why he got up from the bed without a sound and put on jeans and a t-shirt, threw in a bag the few belongings he had and, in the most complete darkness, sneaked to the garage.
The moon was shinning through a skylight in the roof, ghostly blazing against the walls. It smelled of painting, grease and dampness.
He knew this wasn't going to solve the problem, only worsen it more. He knew he was acting like a coward but Brian feared that in daylight, facing Roman's warm smile, his resolve would weaken.
Taking a deep breath, he started the engine of the car. With white knuckles around the wheel, Brian press the gas and went out into the night, driving away without looking back although he'd swear to have heard someone screaming his name. A couple of times he looked in the rearview, but in the midnight darkness, he only found his own demons.
- I'm sorry.- He whispered at the limit of his strength, even when he didn't know who was asking for forgiveness. In the darkness wich wrapped around him, barely broken by the silver clarity of the moon in the sky, Brian felt cold. His skin was still burning, but it was like his insides were made of ice. It felt as if his blood had become brittle blue frost in his veins. And he knew that this time, running wouldn't be enough.