"And then there was nothing.
Nothing but the choice of living or leaving."
He listened quietly to the steady gut-wrenching rhythms of his own heartbeat. She watched as he searched for hers but with his fingers on her neck and his ears to her chest, there was nothing. It's almost as if someone had ripped her heart out of her chest and she didn't have one at all. The sounds of the ambulances rushing from all directions flooded his ears. She could feel her mouth willing to open, but no words would form. She stood, frozen in time staring down at the body lying on the ground - her body. None of this was comprehendable, not even for her. She'd always been one to believe in things but never to this extenent. How was she standing there watching herself die? Was she dreaming? Was this some kind of sick joke being played on her? Karma maybe? There was a sense of hope washed through her body as she watched her boyfriend compress his hands upon her chest and his mouth upon her lips. She willed herself to open her eyes, but her bodies will to keep them closed and give up was stronger.
Erin slammed her locker closed, using a little more force than normal. She sighed deeply and ran her hands through her hair. According to Dr. Charles, she'd been doing quite well the last week or so. Which she didn't understand, because she still didn't feel any different. Her body was still aching for the addictions she'd gotten it used to and her nightmares were still continuous. She'd convinced herself that talking to someone about her struggles would only detour them from believing she could get better.
She sat down on the bench and placed her head in her hands. She used her thumbs to rub her temple and soothe herself. This was something she'd learned in one of her sessions. They'd talked about various things she could do to bring herself back a few notches when she got too anxious, it was pretty cool actually. They discussed how some techniques work better for certain people than for others. And this one always seemed to work for her. When she lifted her head, her gaze was met with Jays ice blue eyes staring back at her. She wondered if he'd seen her when she'd made her way into the locker room or if it was a coincidence. Either way, she was sort of glad he was there now. He made it all seem so easy.
"Hey."
Erin let a tiny smile slip onto her face, "Hey."
"You alright?" Jay asked her with caution. He waited for her facial expression to show what kind of conversation he was in for before taking a seat beside her. Erin was never an open book, so Jay spent a lot of his time judging her by her cover so to speak. He very quickly picked up on things that not many people can understand about her.
"Uh, yeah. I'm fine I guess."
Jay sighed and placed a hand on Erin's thigh, "I know it's still hard for you, but I want you to know that you're doing really great, Erin."
"Then why don't I feel great?" She snapped, quickly regretting it. Jay frowned and turned to face her. Their eyes lingered on one another for a moment before Jay broke the silence.
"I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. However what I do know is that within the last few weeks, you've come so far. I know you can't see it, but you have to trust me when I say it's there. Can you try that?"
Erin nodded her head slowly. She leaned into Jay and he wrapped his arms around her protectively.
"It's just hard," Erin's low voice spoke out. Jay tightened his arms around her. He felt her body tense as she stiffled back tears. "Everyone's saying that I'm doing so good, that I'm getting better. But I don't feel any better. I spend most of my time thinking what if I'd just left her alone? And I hate myself for it. I don't want to feel this anymore, I want to be okay again."
"Hey, hey, hey.. shhhh. Look at me," Jay said, pushing Erin's head off of his chest and using one hand to lift her chin. "You're getting there, okay? You're getting there and that's what matters."
"I'm not getting anywhere. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this place and I can't get out."
"You can, Erin. You just have to get past the self loathing part. You've gotta start believing in yourself. Like I believe in you. Like we all do." Jay paused and changed the tone of his voice. He could tell she was getting uncomfortable and that she'd had enough of the honesty game for the day. "How's staying with Hank been? He says you love it, but I sense a different vibe from you." He joked lightly, giving a small chuckle that brought the sweetest grin to Erin's face.
"It's good. I mean I don't think I'll ever get used to having him basically tuck me in at night again. And being cooped up inside with him asking how I'm doing every five seconds can get pretty rough. But I'm managing."
"Well how about after you kick life's ass and are sleeping in your own bed, I'll tuck you in. I've been told I tell pretty great bedtime stories." Jay laughed.
Erin's cheeks were beginning to turn beat red, she could feel the warmth flush over them. She shook her head with a smile. Even at the lowest points in her life this man could still keep her heart racing. "Okay, but only if you buy me dinner first."
"Deal. But I was kinda thinking we could go for dinner tonight? That is if you're up to it."
"I'd love to, trust me. But Hanks got me on such a tight leash. I'm surprised he hasn't busted in here yet."
"Funny you should say that, I asked him about it earlier."
Erin was taken back by his statement. She raised her eyebrows curiously, "You asked him if you could take me out?"
"Yeah, he said it'd be good for you. He also gave me one of those father-like don't have her home too late and keep her safe speeches. But we won't talk about that, seeing the look in his eyes was enough for me."
"You just magically knew I'd say yes?"
Jay shrugged. "No, but I was hoping... I miss you."
"Yeah, yeah. You're something else, you know that?" Erin asked shaking her head. Jay grinned, causing Erin to as well. "I'll go."
Erin got up from her spot on the bench, heading towards the door. For those few moments she'd felt like the happiest person in the world. But when her eyes landed on a photo hanging on the bullentin beside the door frame, she was reminded of all the reasons she was so broken in the first place. It seemed like nothing other than negative feelings would ever be permanant in her life.
Erin drew in a long breath. She backed away slowly as she watched herself be lifted in an ambulance. Blood dripped from her lifeless body. More blood than she'd ever seen before, at least on herself anyway. She started to speak, calling out Jays name. Telling him that she was okay and he didn't have to worry. But her pride was soon shot down when she realized he couldn't hear her. Maybe it didn't feel real, but it was very much her reality.
Erin wondered aimlessly through the familiar area, eventually landing herself into the 21st district. She searched for someone; anyone. She passed desk after desk, leading to the one place she'd hope to find answers.
She could see a shadow of a familiar shaped body behind the door. Not the one she was looking for of course. Nothing made much sense right now, so that didn't very much surprise her.
"Hello?"
Erin pushed the door open slowly and caught a glimpse of the phisicality of the shadow. Her breath caught in her throat when the empty space revealed the petite dark haired girl she'd missed so much.
She'd have ran away right then and there to save herself the pain, but when her eyes were met with the same puppy-dog-like eyes that had left her she couldn't look away.
"I'm so sorry." Erin whispered, her voice low and hoarse. She wanted to say so much more, but no coherent thoughts were forming in her head. She was standing face to face with the person she'd promised to protect, the person she was suppose to keep safe; the person that she failed. And all she could say was that she was sorry? How pathetic is that? Maybe this was all to teach her a lesson, to punish her for what she did. Maybe this form of torture is what she deserved? Or better yet, maybe death was the only option for her. Maybe if she stood still long enough, they'd finally just take her away from all of it for good.
The girl let out a sigh, almost as if she was relieved to see Erin standing before her. Though that wasn't what Erin told herself. She chuckled a bit, actually. There was no way she'd be relieved to see the person that had gotten her killed.
"Erin." The word slipped out fast and loud. And before Erin knew it the girls arms were wrapped around her in the tightest possible way. She could smell the sweet perfumed smell they used to fight over every morning. Though this time, it seemed to calm her nostrils instead of upset them. She'd be lying if she said the ache in her heart wasn't stronger than it'd ever been. But she'd also be lying if she said she ever wanted this moment to end.
After a minute or two passed, Erin reluctantly let her arms copy the girls in front of her. She wrapped them around her and promised herself she'd never forget this moment. "Nadia. Oh god. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"I know. Come on, I've got a few things to show you."
"But I don't... I don't understand. How is this possible? I don't even remember what happened. Am I dead? What happened to me?"
"Think about, Erin. Think about it really hard. And I promise I'll help you just like you helped me."
The tears that were running out of Erin's eyes came to a hault. She sniffed in and took a deep breath. Suddenly she was in a whole new mind set. She could see herself, see Jay. She was reliving it all.
Jay greeted Erin at her desk. "Hey. You still up for tonight?" He asked, concern painting his voice and face. She'd been acting different than the last time they'd spoke earlier that day in the locker room. Jay had been eyeballing her all day and watching everything she did to look for any signs he may need to be aware of. Luckily, not much had happened. She must've just been a little on edge because of the case. At least that's what he vowed to himself.
Erin looked up and gave a gentle smile, "Yeah. Of course. You ready to head out?"
"Yeah, um.. Voight wanted to talk to you before we leave so you should probably stop in there for a second. I'll finish up here." Jay took the files out of Erin's hands and began ordering them and shoving them in their rightful drawers. Erin slipped her coat over her body and buttoned it up as she walked to Hanks office.
"Knock knock."
"Hey kiddo, you guys heading out?"
"Uh yeah, Jay mentioned you wanted to see me before we left. What's up?"
Voight stepped from behind his desk and placed himself in front of Erin. "I just wanted to check up on you, make sure you're doing alright. If you're not up for this..."
"I'm fine, I want to do it."
"Alright. Be safe okay? Call if you need anything. And tell Halstead I said the next time he's coming to ask me about you it better not be about a ring." Hank chuckled.
Erin nodded, "Noted."
When she turned to walk out the door Jay was walking towards her. "Everything good?"
"Yep, let's go." Erin smiled, pushing Jay away so Voight didn't have the opprotunity to stall them any longer.
The pair made their way down the stairs of the 21st district. Erin stopped to tallk to Platt for a minute while Jay slipped into his jacket.
"You sure you're gonna be warm enough in that?" Jay asked, admiring the light coat Erin had over her small body.
"Yeah, I'm alright."
"Are you positive? I have a sweater upstairs-"
"Jay, I'm fine. I promise. Can we go now?"
Jay agreed silently and opened the door, letting Erin walk out ahead of him. She smiled and took the gesture with great pleasure. A piece of her felt so happy when she was with him. Like nothing bad had ever happened or will ever happen again.
Just as fast as her thoughts collected, they dropped. Her body fell to the ground and her entire world flashed instantly. The pool of red liquid piling itself onto her clothes and around her body was growing with each passing second.
"Erin!" Jay yelled, automatically sinking to his knees in front of her. he hadn't even looked to see where the shot had come from.
"No, no no! Help! Somebody call 911!" Jay yelled as loudly as possible. He knew someone had heard because he could hear voices behind him.
"Jay..."
"Erin, it's going to be okay." Jay assurred, wondering if he was trying to convince himself or her. Erin had lost a lot of blood in just the last minute or two, if someone didn't do something soon being okay might not be possible.
"I'm kinda... wishing I'd... taken that sweater now. I'm so cold." Erin said in between gasps for air.
"That's good, just keep breathing. Help is on the way. Everythings going to be just fine."
Jay took Erin's hand in his and squeezed it. His palms filled with blood the moment he touched her. He stared down at her watching as her bloody stomach rise and fall. If at any moment she stopped moving, so would his entire world. Erin was the one thing that had become steady in his life. Even when they were on the outs, his love for her never changed. And he knew with every single part of him that it never would, no matter what life throws at them.
"I can't... do it.. anymore.. it hurts too much."
Jay couldn't help the tears falling from his eyes. Hearing these words come from her mouth and watching as her breath ran out was too much for his heart to handle. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't let this be the way their story ended. Jay knew Erin far too well to know that these words weren't only stemming from this moment. It was everything built up into one. Yes, physically she was growing weak. But she's been struggling menatlly since Nadia died. And she wanted a way out. Not that she wanted to die, but when given the chance to give up she might just take it. Jay could do nothing but hope and pray that she would hang on.
"Yes you can. Look at me, right at me." Jay coached, placing a hand on Erin's cheek to keep her focus on him. "They're going to come and get you all fixed up. And after that I'm going to buy you as many sweaters as you want. And..."
Erin began coughing, blood spurting out of her mouth and down to the growing pool on the ground.
"Erin. Erin. I need you to breathe for me okay? I know it's hard and I know it's so much easier to give up but please just stay with me."
Jay could fill his heart rate speeding tremendously. He could feel the tightness build up in his chest as he placed his fingers on her throat and searched rapidly for her heartbeat. It was slowing down with each second that passed. Jay listened to the sound of the ambulances coming from every direction and a part of him had hope.
"Oh my god, Erin!" Hank yelled, coming up behind Jay and dropping to his knees just as Jay had a few minutes prior. His hands replaced Jays on Erins wounds. Jay pounded his hands on top of Erin's chest and blew into her mouth. Each time praying to god some kind of miricle would happen and she'd wake up. But each time, it failed.
Erin watched intently as Jay and Hank sat together in the waiting room of Chicago Med. The rest of the team sitting close by. Their bodies and clothes were still soaked in the blood she'd lost. Jay had his head in his hands, his legs bouncing nervously. She could hear Hank silently praying to anyone that would listen, really. He'd always played off like he was Mr. big shot and didn't believe in that type of stuff, but Erin knew better. She remembered the countless hours camille and hank had her spending at church and in sunday classes. It wasn't something a non-believer would do. But she also knew that since Camilles death, hanks faith had been some what tainted. And a lot of the reason was because of her. She'd fallen into a deep dark path more than once since then, and each time left hank with a little less hope than before.
"I can't go back." Erin said, shaking her head. "All I do is hurt people. And it's always the people I love."
Nadia chuckled, "You really don't get it do you?"
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"The only reason you're hurting anyone is because you're too stubborn to let yourself be happy. You've got to let all this stuff go, Er. I'm never going back. But you can. You can go back. To hank, to Jay... You can have the life you deserve."
"The life I deserve? I got you killed!"
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Blame yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happened to me. It's not your fault, but I..."
Before Nadia could speak another word, a doctor appeared through the big double doors. "Family of Erin Lindsay?"
Hank and Jay stood, along with the rest of the unit. They all spoke in unison, letting the doctor know they were all there for her.
"I'm her...father. I'm her father."
"Erin suffered quite a bad gun shot wound. We were able to remove it but it caused us to have to perform quite a bit of surgery. There's no easy way to say it, so I'm just going to say it... Erin's in a coma. There's no telling when she'll wake up. But we do believe that her body is strong enough to keep her going, she just may need a bit of help. It's all up to her now though."
"Can we see her?"
"Yes. One at a time though, we want to keep her surroundings as calm as possible. And a bit of a warning... Erin is hooked up to quite a few machines. And since she was just brought out of surgery she may not look like herself."
"I'll go see her after you." Jay said, taking a few steps back and trying to process all that he was hearing.
"Yeah... yeah okay." Hank agreed before following the doctor towards the emergency room.
When Hank walked into Erin's room, he was half expecting to see Erin sitting up in bed waiting for him to take her home. But that was clearly wishful thinking. She was lying on her back, her bed almost completely flat. There were several IVs in her arms, and she had tubes coming from her mouth and nose. There were even some weird cords connected to her fingers and feet that Hank had only ever seen once in his life.
Erin and Nadia watched as Hank took a few steps closer to the side of Erins bed. He took a deep breath before he began to speak. "Hey, kid. God they weren't kidding when they said you were hooked up to a lot of things. I can't wait for you to wake up and give them all sorts of hell."
Erin giggled, remembering how pissed she was when she'd waken up in the hospital with just a tube in her nose. It was just about a year after the voights had taken her in and they'd taken her rock climbing. Her and Justin had been doing all sorts of whacked out tricks to their parents dismay, and eventually one of them got hurt. And that one had been Erin. When she woke up in the hospital a few hours later, the scar from the fall was the least of her worries the moment she'd realized there was a tube in her nose.
Hank closed the gap between him and Erin. He took her hand in his. "You know, when I came out of the district today and saw you laying on the ground in all that blood... I don't know I guess I just panicked. You're the daughter I never got to have. And for the longest time, you've been my rock. Ever since Camille died, you and Justin are all I have. And when I thought I'd lost that.. lost you.. suddenly my entire world was flipped upside down. It still is. Because the truth is, as much as I want to believe you're coming back to me, I also know that you might decide to leave."
Erin listened to Hanks sobs and watched as his face filled with tears. She'd never seen him cry like that, not since his wife died.
"But I want you to know that if you do... decide to leave.. I won't be mad. Now don't let this go to your head because dammit, I need you. But i need you to know that whatever happens I am proud of you. I'm proud of you for sticking with me all those years ago. For letting me take you in even if that meant not getting your way all the time. For following your dreams and becoming an officer. For getting the bad guys. And most of all, for getting back up every time you fell. You're my daughter and I love you. I always will."
Hank laid his head on the side of Erin's bed. She watched with purely sad eyes.
"Erin?"
Erin broke her gaze from the scene before her and focused it on Nadia. Her heart broke each time she heard her voice or let the sight of her pry at her eyes. "I don't understand any of this."
"I didn't either at first. But it's something that just comes to you, it can't be told. When I first... when I first died I was so scared and so angry. Not at you. But at the world. I was angry that all of it was happening. And I was angry because I didn't want to leave."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because, Erin. If there's one thing I need you to understand it is that none of this is your fault. You helped me. God, you helped me more than I ever thought was possible. Before I met you, I was a mess. You know that. And you also know that if you hadn't saved me, I would've been gone a lot sooner than I was. And in the worst way."
When Erin heard Hanks voice start up again, she turned her attention back to him.
"Alright kiddo, I'm going to take a breather and let your boyfriend come back. He's been waiting to see you. And yes, I know.. I called him your boyfriend. As much as I hate to admit it or as uch as you both try to hide it, it's been there from day one. But for the record, if you have any second thoughts that's okay too." Hank stood up, kissed Erin's forehead and left the room.
"I called that too." Nadia said, laughing.
"What do you mean?"
"You and Jay... I saw you two making googly eyes a mile away."
A pat on the back wasn't enough to give him the courage to walk into that hospital room.
A breath wasn't enough to give him the oxygen he needed to speak out all of the words jumbled in his head.
A "she's going to be okay" wasn't enough to make him believe it.
Nothing seemed to be enough. And yet here he was, sitting next to her hospital bed. His hand intertwined with her lifeless one and tears streaming down his face.
"Hey beautiful." Jay began. Erin smiled listening to those two words escape his lips. She wanted so much to lean up and close the gap between them. But obviously that was physically impossible considering she's... a ghost? No, she's not dead. She's not really sure what she is. She's tried extremely hard to forget that part of the situation because all it does is create a bigger mess in her head.
"I know if you can hear me you're probably yelling at me for that, but that's alright. I don't really know what to say. I mean the truth is, I have so much to say that nothing is going to come out right. So if you do happen to hear anything, you're not allowed to use it against me, okay? Today I realized that I don't want to spend even one more second of my life not being with you. I don't want to and I can't. So you've gotta open your eyes and come back to us alright? I know it's hard sometimes, I know that. But I promise you if you do this one thing for me I'll spend the rest of my life helping you through it all. We can do it...together. I'll even stop complaining about you driving all the time. And maybe even ease up on the wisconsin trip."
"Are you ready now , Erin?"
"For what?"
"To go home."
"This isn't fair I don't want to leave you." Erin cried, latching onto Nadia and hugging her tightly.
"And I don't want to leave you. But we can't control this, Er. You have so many great things ahead of you and I'm going to be here watching you every step of the way. I promise."
Nadia pushed Erin off her. "I love you."
"I love you too. Thank you for taking care of me. Please let yourself be happy, Erin."
"You know, for the first time in my life... I think I will."
"And Erin?"
"Yeah?"
"Whatever you think you did to me, I forgive you."
Erin backed away from Nadia, "Now how do I do this?"
"I think you already have." Nadia said, pointing to the Erin in the hospital bed. Jay sat up, smiling with so much joy in his face as he felt Erins hand flutter beneath his.
"Goodbye Erin." Nadia whispered before they both went their separate ways.
"Erin?" Jay said quietly, waiting to see if he'd get another response. Just as he was about to pull away, Erin's eyes flew open and she began fighting off the tubes in her throat and nose.
"Erin. Hey, hey. It's okay calm down, it's just tubes. You're in the hospital" Jay soothed, as he rubbed his hand over her forehead and used his thumbs to rub her temples. Yet another thing about her he'd recently and very quickly caught onto about her.
After Erin was still, Jay placed a kiss on her hand. "I'm going to get the doctor, okay?"
Erin shook her head no, tears forming in her eyes.
"I'll be right back, I promise."
When Jay arrived back with the doctor, they removed the tubes since Erin seemed to be doing pretty well. They gave her some water to gargle since her throat was so dry, but her voice was still pretty hoarse and growl like.
"Do you need anything?" Jay asked, noticing her getting a little antsy.
"She forgave me."
"What?"
Erin hesitated for a moment, wondering whether she should tell Jay all that happened or not. But she soon talked herself out of it. It's not like he'd believe it anyway. She wasn't even sure if she believed it herself.
"Nothing.. nothing, it's not important. Could you go get Hank for me?"
"Of course." Jay dropped a kiss to Erin's hand and left her alone to go get hank.
Jay entered the room, followed by hank directly behind him.
"Hey kid. You scared me, I've missed you." he said, as he took a seat on the opposite side of the bed that Jay was on, knowing that Erin would want them both with her.
"Hi, dad."
Hank looked at Erin with the fondest smile spread across his face. He'd always been Erin's father, but she'd never acknowledged it in that sense. And it gave him great pride to finally hear her say it out loud.
After a while, both Jay and hank had fallen asleep. It was so quiet that Erin was sure she could hear a pin drop. That is until she heard the faint voice she'd been listening to all day. "I forgive you." That's how she knew it was real. Erin repeated the phrase to herself a few times before falling in a deep sleep herself.