A/N #1: I wrote this short fic last summer. Since then, it's been sitting on my hard drive awaiting a good polishing. A few days ago, however, I suddenly felt the urge to go back over this fic and finish it. So, for your reading pleasure (hopefully), I present a snapshot into the Caskett relationship circa Season Two.
A/N from the Summer of 2010: We, the viewers, can of course see why Castle and Beckett would be perfect together, but I can understand why the characters themselves don't realize this. We're privy to private moments with Castle that Beckett never witnesses, and vice versa. Due to this information, we know much more about their feelings for one another than they do. Besides, it's always easier to deconstruct other people's relationships than it is your own. Both Castle and Beckett have their own issues (and insecurities) that they need to work through. These issues/insecurities make up part of the lens through which each of them views their relationship with the other. So this ficlet (set during 2x18: Boom!) is my attempt to get inside Beckett's head, to understand her reasoning. Just because excuses are excuses doesn't mean that they don't contain validity, after all.
Also, constructive criticism makes the Season 4 premiere come faster; no, seriously, it does. Just give it a try… ;-)
"Yeah, well, the situation with Castle is… complicated."
The words slip out of her mouth before she registers them.
When they do register, she wishes she'd just kept her mouth shut. Because 'complicated'? That means that something's there. That all of her denials haven't been worth the breath she's wasted on them. If they really were just co-workers and friends, 'complicated' wouldn't even be in her vocabulary. She wouldn't doubt Castle's sincerity or trustworthiness, wouldn't be unsure of his intentions.
Complicated. Messy. Confusing. All imply that there's a tangle of issues (emotional and otherwise) to be worked through.
Agent Shaw looks wryly amused, and Kate can't blame her.
For someone who's so insistent that there's nothing going on, she certainly sends mixed signals. It's not her intention… it just happens. Like the 'complicated' comment.
She doesn't fully understand what's happening with her and Castle, and it shows sometimes.
He's a surprisingly good friend, and she's come to think of him as her partner at the precinct (though she'd never tell him that), someone who can be relied on to come through in a pinch. He's even proved that he can be a responsible adult (sometimes).
But for all that, she's not sure where she stands with him, where she wants to stand with him. His books got her through a rough time in her life, and she has no desire to use the man behind them as some sort of subconscious therapy. And although he's made it clear that he finds her attractive, she isn't sure how deep that goes. While she's willing to trust him with her life (under duress), she doesn't think that she's ready to trust him with her heart.
Like his name, he's put up thick walls to defend himself. And she's not sure how much of his playboy persona is defense mechanism and how much is him.
He knows more about her than she feels comfortable with, but what does she really know about him? For someone who seems like an open book, he's excellent at deflection and deception. He seems to be able to read her with ease, but she can't always read him. It's maddening. It's scary.
He's already betrayed her trust once. With the best of intentions, perhaps, but that doesn't negate his actions. And yes, he's apologized, but once burned, twice shy, as the saying goes. Can she really trust him with the things that make her her when he refuses to do the same?
She couldn't do a casual fling with Castle. There's a whole list of reasons, the least of which being that he's contracted to write three books about her; it would cause a whole world of trouble if a romance between them went sour.
Then there's the fact that he's a high-profile type of guy and she… isn't. She doesn't like hobnobbing with the rich and famous, and she sure as hell doesn't want her private life splashed all over the papers. And if she was with Castle, there's little doubt in her mind that it would be. If (when) their relationship went downhill, the tabloids would have a field day.
Higher up the list of priorities is the fact that he's a good friend, maybe even her best friend (and when did that happen, anyway?), and she doesn't want to risk that. As it is, they're close enough that he has the ability to cause some real damage. If they were to become involved, that would more than double the potential hurt factor.
And at the top is the simple fact that it's about more than just the two of them. There's Alexis and Martha to consider, Esposito and Lanie and Ryan. There are their respective careers and reputations. There are just too many things that could go wrong, too many people who could get hurt.
And yet…
That's the kicker, isn't it. Despite all of her excellent, logical reasons not to pursue anything with Castle, she can't help but wonder.
About the sex, if only because she's a living, breathing woman.
About all of the things that could go right in a relationship between them.
About whether, if given the chance, he could be her 'one and done'.
So, yeah, it's complicated.
Because she does like him pulling her figurative pigtails, both in and out of work. Despite all of her protestations to the contrary, Castle's presence usually brightens her day. Life is just more fun with him around. His presence reminds everyone at the precinct why they're there in the first place – to protect innocence like his.
And when she sees him with his family, she feels a tug deep inside; an involuntary pull from a place that she'd half-forgotten existed.
It makes you want me, right? he'd said jokingly. Maybe it did, just a little.
But was all of that enough to form a real relationship? More importantly, even if it could be, would she want one? Would he?
She has too many questions that can't be easily answered, and Detective Katherine Beckett hates going into a situation blind.
And yet…
It's complicated.