Tired of everything around me.
I smile, but I don't feel a thing.
I'm so far from where i need to be.
I've given up on everything.
All I need, all I want is some peace.
There's a hole inside of me, it's so cold.
Slowly killing me.
Secrets, eating at the core of me.
Trusting all the lies I breathe.
Help me, help me.
Somethings gone, I can feel it.
It's all wrong, I'm so sick of this.
It's so damn cold.
- Kelly Clarkson "Hole"
I'm not quite sure what happened, it's like something deep and passionate clicked. I've never hated so much as I hated her, but hate is just as strong as a word as love is, right? Can't you easily get the two mixed-up, when you're mixed-up yourself? I shake my head, weeks of either bantering or just plain ignoring each other and something like this happens. Well duh. Why are you so surprised? You just said it yourself, there's a fine line between love and hate. You thought you hated her, when really you loved her. After a week of traveling with Robin, I just leave him. I thought I loved him. Wrong. I didn't really care about him. So, here I am. The Slayer Academy, hating Buffy as she busied herself: teaching training classes, going to work and slaying again. Here I am, living in an extra room in the Academy, trying my hardest to avoid her.
But I couldn't avoid her forever. I throw my cigarette on the ground, crushing it with the heel of my boot before walking into her nice little house and out of the winter cold. I lean against the door, using the courtesy I never bothered to use before and taking off my boots.
"What do you want from me, B? I can't change. I've already done the damage. I can't take it back." I said so softly, but anger fell from my voice. She just stood there looking at me before slowly moving towards me before she was standing an inch in front of me, arms crossed, gazing straight into my eyes.
"You did the damage a long time ago. I don't want to forget. It's not what I'm asking. All I want is for you to forgive. Forgive me." My eyes opened in shock, not an ounce of anger fell from her voice.
"What is wrong with you?" I spat out at her. She just shrugged, never wavering in her gaze.
"I just want to help." She shrugged again. "I changed. I guess I've finally grown up." She turned her gaze to the sidewall, running her hands through her hair. "If you'd ask me what I'm doing, I'd tell you have no idea." She shrugged for the third time before sitting down on the couch, leaning her head in her hands. I laughed. She looked up, but didn't look mad. "It's crazy, I know." She didn't sound mad.
"What the hell, B!" I yelled at her, before grabbing the collar of her shirt and slamming her against the wall.
I winced, but then smiled before taking a deep breath and heading back upstairs, taking the steps two at a time. My smile got wider. I was anxious. Anxious to get into her room. I paused but only for a second before turning the door handle. I was going to ask myself why I trusted her so much, which was crazy. I knew why.
I released my grip on her, as I tried to figure out why she was being so mellow, so serene. I've hardly even seen her these past two weeks, but each time I did she was always busy doing something…but smiling. I recall that one time I was sent to destroy a demon with her, she didn't smile once. I watched as she charged into the cave, something, I recall now, was out of character. I followed her, watching her pummel the demon to bits, literally. I just watched as she cut off it's arm, it screamed, knocking her into the wall, she just shook her head, jumped up and before I blinked it's head was flying into the opposite wall.
I looked at her sleeping form, my smile being replaced by a frown. Two weeks it took me to notice that Dawn was missing.
I took a step back, looking at her smiling at me. It sort of looked like she was on drugs being constantly happy. She moved towards me, laying her hand on my arm.
"I just don't want to hold grudges." Then she took her hand off my arm. She shrugged at me again, before walking past me.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, B." I ran in front of her, laying both of my hands on her arms, trying to get a good look at her. No glossy or red eyes, no sweating or fidgeting, just big dark circles under her eyes.
"Look, I'm the one to blame. I tried to help you, but you ended up pushing me away and I let you push me away, until you got to the cliff, in which I finally pushed you over. I'm sorry I stabbed you. I know it doesn't mean much, but I am." I was starting to get really annoyed that she was still smiling.
"You mean that?" I asked. I have no idea where that came from, maybe I want a little peace myself. Maybe I want some one to trust myself. Maybe, just maybe, I need.
"I wouldn't have said it, if I don't mean it." My head bobbed at the force of her words and my arms fell limp to my side. "I just really wanted you to know that. Like I said, I don't want to hold grudges any longer." I blinked rapidly as I found her arms around me. She let go and walked around me again. I stood there with my mouth open before going upstairs. I've never been in her house before, she called Giles and asked him to put me on the phone, asking me if I would come over. There were three doors at the top of the stairs, one was the bathroom because it was open and I could see into it. I opened the other nearest door and gasped as I found this room in ruins, the bed ripped apart, a chair actually lying in the wall, everything was completely and utterly a mess, except for a few pictures on the back wall. I stepped into the room, the pictures the drawing me in. There were four in total, framed and hung nicely next to each other in a row. The two in the middle were just Dawn, one a very young picture, the other a more recent school photo. The last one was of her and Xander, just standing next to each other and smiling. The first one was of Joyce and Dawn, Joyce having her arms around Dawn and her chin on Dawn's shoulder, Dawn was smiling wide. As a matter of fact, Dawn was smiling wide in each photo.
I turned around and my heart skipped a beat because Buffy was standing right in front of me, glaring, and a frown on her face instead of a smile. Before I could even ask what happened, she grabbed my arm painfully and I was thrown out of the room, stumbling into the hall.
"Buffy-" I was slammed painfully against the wall, and I couldn't move, she had both my arms pinned. She glared at me for a couple of seconds before releasing me and rubbing both her temples.
"I just don't want to fight with you anymore, Faith." She looked at me, a smile reappearing on her lips. I was still standing against the wall, kind of like a cornered animal, with my palms flat against the wall, my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open.
I pulled back the covers and wrapped my arms back around her; she jumped and rolled out of bed, backing up against the wall, looking scared. Then she blinked rapidly before covering her mouth with her hand when a sob escaped her lips. She fell down the wall, bringing her legs up to chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and burying her face in her arms.
She started sobbing. I walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her, she pulled away but I held on and eventually she stopped struggling and wrapped her arms around me too, lying her head in the crook of my neck. I could feel her shaking all over and my own heart breaks to see her like this.
I wonder why Giles didn't tell me. I internally yell at myself for not seeing this earlier. Why'd it take a tragedy of this proportion to see the truth? Why is it that when I finally see that I want all of her, she's not even here?
I feel her shaking stop. I hear her sobs, turn into sniffles. I close my eyes and bury my face in her hair.
"Faith… please forgive me?" She asked in a slow, pained whisper. I lifted my head and she did too, her cheeks tear stained, her eyes watery.
"I have nothing to forgive." I stood up, pulling her with me but she stepped back. "Forgive and forget. Let's just start over." Tears starting falling from her eyes. I envelop her in a hug, pulling her down onto the bed with me, wrapping the covers around us. She falls asleep almost immediately again, like I knew she would. I buried my face back into her hair, reveling in the scent of her shampoo as I began to fall asleep myself.
The great things in life take time to happen but the best things happen in a blink of an eye.
I'm glad I didn't blink.
Something was wrong with her. She just threw me against the wall with a force that I've only seen when a slayer is fighting for her life. That was the first hint. The obvious is her extreme flux in emotions. Buffy was always good at keeping her emotions under control. But I now realize she's only had one emotion – no, it's like she's blank, now that I think about it. Her voice doesn't have that peppy Buffy tune to it. She just went from one of those smiling droids to an angry, lost soul and back again, in under a minute. I stood up straight.
"Is something wrong, B?" She looked at me, that now creep droid smile plastered to her face.
"Nope, everything just keeps getting better. See! You're asking me what's wrong. I like that! Maybe we can actually become friends again…would you like that as much as I would?" She clapped her hands together and rocked on her heels. It just made me more worried. I walked towards her with my arms outstretched.
"Yeah, I'd like that." I said with a small smile before being serious again. "May I ask what happened in that room?" I stepped back at how quick the smile fell off her face. She was glaring at me again, hands curling into fists at her sides.
"No, you may not ask." She spat out with fury between clenched teeth. I lifted my hands up, palms facing towards her in a sign of peace.
"Just a question, B." I said gently, not a single trace of anger or sarcasm in my calm voice but I just nearly dodged the fist she aimed at where my head used to be. I took a step to a side and watched her stumble forward at the force of her own punch. She whirled around, nostrils flaring.
"I'm just trying to make amends! But you, you have to go and re-open up another wound… and this one isn't even healed!" She shouted at me and I raised an eyebrow.
"What happened in there, B?" Then it hit me. "Where's Dawn?" Her lip quivered before she burst into fits of maniacal laughter.
"Didn't I ask you not to ask that question?" She got out between laughs. She waved her hand at me and started moving for the last door in the hall. I ran in front of it just as she was reaching her hand out. I stretched my hands out in front of the door. "What are you doing?" She asked, laughter disappearing completely. Her face becoming rigid and hard.
"I'm just curious, that all." I said like I had no care in the world, a totally mellow, carefree person. She just glared at me, then grabbed my arm. I grabbed the hand on my arm and pinned it behind her back, pushing her against the door. She didn't struggle, she just let me pin her against the door, so I let go and she just opened the door and walked inside. She didn't close the door behind her. I didn't see any lights go on. It took a minute to adjust to the dark. The sun went down outside, and the two windows were covered with blankets.
I found her sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, arms crossed, just staring at the wall… no at something on the wall. I found a light switch on the wall and flicked it on. She stood up and walked over to me, her face a blank expression. She flicked the light back off and sat back down again.
"It's kind of dark in here." I said taking slow, steady steps towards her. She didn't say anything, just sat staring at the wall. I got behind her and strained to see what she was looking at. Thank you, slayer senses. I couldn't see the face to clearly, but I knew it was a picture of Dawn.
I moved in front of Buffy, standing in the way of the picture. She just slumped her shoulders, staring at the floor.
"I keep hoping that if I sit here long enough, I can hear her laughter in the doorway. She'll say something like, 'you could be a professional wall watcher' and then I'd turn around and find her making a funny face at me. I sometimes do hear her laughter but when I turn around there's nothing but an empty hallway. It's been happening less often lately, I can sit here for hours and her laughter won't come. Then I think, if I sit in the dark long enough, I'll open my eyes and find that I was having a nightmare, that when I walk into Dawn's room, she'll still be sleeping peacefully. But I sit here all night and it doesn't get light unless I walk out of the room. Sometimes I even face reality and sit here, knowing I'm not going to find her sleeping peacefully in her bed or turn around and find her laughing at me, I'll just sit here and stare at her picture, wondering why it wasn't me. Why I'm still breathing and she's not." I was staring at her, my mouth hanging wide open. Her words bouncing around in my head. I bent down, my heart beating rapidly, forgetting why I used to hate her, forgetting everything but her own pain. As I looked at the blank expression on her face, I new she was in denial. What do I say at a moment like this? She stood up and walked around the chair, sitting crossed leg on the bed.
"When was the last time you slept?" I shook my head, what a question to ask after she just said her sister was gone.
"I don't remember." She said with such a monotone. I took a deep breath, just realizing I haven't been breathing.
"I'm so sorry, B." I said standing up and walking over to her. She shrugged.
"It was my fault, not yours." I was taken aback, her fault? I sat down on the bed across from her, watching her stare at the covers.
"Your fault?" She looked at me then, her lip quivering, she swallowed but then looked back down at the covers.
"We got in a fight. It was the last time I saw her." I wanted nothing to hold her. I swallowed past a lump myself.
Right then, I knew. It was why Buffy affected me so damn much. I couldn't deny it any longer. She's always been dancing along the outside of my heart, right then, she dived in. Because she just showed me how much I really cared about her. As she started acknowledging what happened, I realized it was to me. The person she was in the past 3 weeks was an empty shell in denial.
"It was the last time I saw her and she was angry at me. She was mad at me." She looked at me again, tears free falling down her cheeks. "She was a-angry with me!" She shouted before slamming both of her fists on the bed. I silently thank Robin for all those months of showing me how to care; I silently thank Angel for showing me redemption. I silently thank Giles for giving me a room and bringing me closer to her. I layed both of my hands on her knees, she looked at me before collapsing into my arms. I sighed as I realized she just gave her recovery over to me. She cried herself to sleep in my arms.
She hasn't slept since Dawn died.