Craig Boone sighed dreamily as he lay in his bedroll, thinking about Courier Six, Begonia Starlight Vega. With her flowing waterfall of cinnamon/jet black/flaxen locks and her cerulean, whiskey, and/or blood red eyes that glinted like priceless jewels in the Mojave sun. The way she radiated light like a Glowing One as it excretes bursts of radiation to weaken and kill its enemies.
"Arcade," Boone sighed, "I love Begonia Starlight Vega, the most beautiful and perfect courier in the Mojave, and I want to marry her."
"Boone," Arcade (laying in his own bedroll you sicko pervs!) began carefully, "What about your dead wife? The one you killed alongside your unborn child?"
"Begonia makes my dingle tingle! Dead wife who?" the bald Sniper replied.
Suddenly Rose of Sharon Cassidy appeared, tossing her cowboy hat off and ripping off her jeans and button up shirt, revealing her commando bod.
"But what about me?" the naked redhead demanded seductively, tossing her ugly ginger hair to the side sensually. "Do the sex with me, Boone! Not that boring Begonia Starlight Vega!"
Boone looked at Cass's naked body that glistened nakedly in the moonlight, but could not be swayed by her ginger wiles, for his NCR dong could only be hard for his dearest Begonia Starlight Vega. Not even thoughts of his beautiful (but not as beautiful as Begonia) dead wife could make his pengis rise.
"NOOOO!" cried the broody sniper, "I only love Begonia! Begone ginger hussy!"
With a ugly sob, the Whiskey Rose loped off naked into the desert night, whinnying her heartbreak to the midnight skies.
"Is it true, Boone?" asked a voice like wind chimes chiming in the wind. It was Begonia Starlight Vega, summoned by the invocation of her name.
"Yes! My beautiful princess of The Wastes! Queen of the New Vegas Strip! I love you!" cried Boone.
"But Booney Wooney," Begonia said tremulously, her cerulean/whiskey/blood red orbs looking up into his sunglasses, "how could you possibly want me? How could I compare to your dead wife and unborn child that you had to mercy kill?"
"Never think that! I spent so long being broody and depressed because I had to kill my wife and unborn child (plus all those Great Khans), but then I met you. And I realized, I could never love my dead wife as much as you, Begonia Starlight Vega! Marry me!"
"Oh Craigy Eggy! Prince among snipers! Of course I will!" Begonia cried, her cinnamon/jet black/flaxen waves gliding silkily through the air as she leapt into Boone's buff arms.
"WAIT!" Cried Veronica Santangelo, "Don't marry Boone! He's bald! Marry me, Begonia Starlight Vega! After all, I only have the baggage of a potentially dead girlfriend, not that of a dead wife!"
Begonia was moved by the depth of Veronica's pleas, but it was for naught!
"I'm sorry Veronica," Courier Begonia said woefully, tears of sorrow raining from her cerulean, whiskey, and/or blood red eyes, "But short hair on girls is totally icky! And even though I support you gross homos (I'm a straight ally, that's what the "A" in LGBTQA stands for! Allies!1!1!1!) I'm heterosexual and could never do the sex thing with another woman."
Like Cass before her, Veronica cried a mournful lament as she galloped (not so naked) into the arid, cacti filled skyline. A lone, sad guitar note strummed sadly in the distance.
"Boone," said Arcade, "I can't let you do this! Look at her, her hair and eye color rapidly change every few seconds! Everyone wants to marry her! Her name is Begonia Starlight Vega! You've never shown interest in anything but being miserable about your dead wife! Boone, can't you see that Begonia is a Mary Sue?"
"SHUT UP ARCADE!" huffed Begonia, tossing her aforementioned hair, that was now shifting rapidly between aquamarine and chestnut, "You're just mad because Booney Wooney wants to fuck me! Guess what Arcade? BOONE IS STRAIGHT! DO YOU HEAR ME? STRAIGHT!"
Her eyes glittering malevolently as they flickered between onyx and golden, she turned to Boone and spoke, "Don't listen to him, Boone! He's just bitter because he wants your hot sniper bod, and it belongs to me! Not you, not Cass, and not his dead wife"
"I will not take this slander of my lady love," cried Boone, "Leave this place, science geek! Never darken our doorstep again!"
Tears glistening in his eyes, Arcade spoke, "Your dead wife would be ashamed of you, Craig Boone."
As Arcade, too, hared off into the desert, Boone and Begonia Starlight Vega turned to each other with love in their eyes (you couldn't see it in Boone's because his sunglasses are part of his face), and ED-E started playing "Alone Again, Naturally" as the friendly Eyebot sadly zooms off after Arcade.
As the camera zooms out we hear from a slight distance: "Tell me how much prettier I am than you dead wife, Craig."