Disclaimer I own nothing. I am not some rich English writer. (Hard to believe, isn't it?)

No.

No, it can't be!

Their haunting moans reached my ears. "Back, ye demons! Into the darkness from whence ye came!" I batted another through the head.

"What is it?" Harry Potter asked me, eyes widened with fear. One of them latched onto him, and I beat it off with a book of physics.

"It's the Mary Sues! They're coming to destroy the plot!" I yelled. "They make prophecies, ruin main characters' romantic lives, and change the laws of physics!"

In came another wave. Blonds, brunettes, redheads, all perfectly pretty and heads so empty their own voices echoed inside them. "The prophecy! Give us Harry! Give us Ron! Give us Draco!"

"Help me!" The platinum blond Malfoy was being dragged away by the swarm of fan fiction authors.

"Quick!" Harry cried. "Tell them they're ugly and no one likes them!"

"Give them bad reviews!" Ron screamed in pain as the swarm started ripping at his clothes.

"We can help you, Harry! We'll make Voldemort disappear with our smiles!" The crowd reached for Harry, who had leaped on a chandelier, despairingly trying to get away from the bunch of rabid, self-inserting authors.

"I'm your sister, Harry! I'll defeat the Dark Lord for you!" the girls chanted evilly.

"Ah ha! Finally!" Voldemort's cold voice echoed around the hall. "And now, Harry Potter, you shall die." Voldemort laughed, pointing his wand at him. He was surrounded by his Death Eaters, as was usual.

"You? You called the Mary Sues on us?" Draco scrambled up the stairs as fast as he could.

"What? No! I'm not that evil." He laughed a low sinister laugh, shaking his bald head.

"Hey, look girls! It's the Dark Lord!" Another wave of Mary Sues charged towards him and his Death Eaters. "I'm your daughter, Voldemort!"

"We love older, richer men, Lucius!" They came in screaming packs of chaos, increasing in number right before our eyes.

"I love Death Eaters!"

"No, we must kill them to win Harry's undying love!"

"Heal Draco's secret pain!"

"I'm your long lost mother from a time warp!"

They tackled Voldemort, stealing his wand and breaking it in half with the poison of their smiles.

"Death Eaters, remember ME!" he wailed as they dragged him off.

"No! They're stealing the plot!" I cried, running after the bald villain. The Death Eaters screamed, jumping out of windows to escape the fan fiction authors.

"Who cares? I'm the main protagonist here! Someone help me!" Harry was being pulled off the chandelier.

"Expecto Patronum!" Hermione yelled, running in with the other girls from J.K.'s story. Her spell made the Mary Sues fall from the chandelier. They all turned to her.

"Look! They're the only thing standing between us and our various loves!" one of the brunettes yelled, pointing to the Hogwarts girls. "We have to eliminate them . . . permanently!"

"You're ugly!" Ginny screamed at them in abject terror.

"You're fat!" Hermione shouted.

The rest of us caught on. "You're a more boring character than Neville!"

"Hey!" Neville yelled, deeply offended by the fact that none of the pretty girls were going after him.

The Mary Sues shrieked in pain, their front line shriveling up into raisins. "No one reads your story!"

"Stop adding chapters that no one reads!"

One of the Mary-Sues shrieked some words that we couldn't understand, and the others followed her example.

"NO! Stop them! They're calling in their back-ups!"

"You're dumb."

"No one likes you!"

The Mary Sues' screams drowned out our withering insults.

The doors of the Great Hall boomed twice. We fell silent, and the Mary-Sues smiled as sweetly as poisoned maple syrup. The doors burst into matches, and in came a larger mob. This crowd was just as big as the Mary-Sues', if not bigger. Gary-Drews, handsome as Orlando Bloom, poured onto the battlefield. They brought their lackeys with them: boys stronger than oxes (as well as a few actual oxen), fire-breathing dragons, purple chickens, bloodthirsty hippogriffs, hypocrites, sidekicks (who assumed the form of miniature Mary Sues), and stereotypes of main characters--all shrieking evilly.

"Draco! Harry! Ron! Hermione! Ginny! Fred! George! Dumbledore!" Their voices filled the air like a skunk's perfume. There were female Voldemorts, Harrys, Rons, Dracos, male Hermiones and Ginnys. The sight nearly made me throw up.

"How can they write with all this noise?" Ron screamed.

"They think the world loves them and their disgusting pairings of everyone!" I yelled, spraying a dozen Gary-Drews with pepper spray. "They start and never stop!" I bashed another guy's head off. "Snape! Watch out! Here comes the story of your past pain to fill the paper cut of your soul with salt and lemon juice!" As I yelled my warning, twelve Lily Potters gave chase, accompanied by fifteen Jameses.

"I will heal your pain, Snape! Because I love you to the edges of my notebook paper!" a perky Mary-Sue screamed, jumping into his arms.

"Ah! Their skin burns!" Snape cried, throwing her to the floor.

"We can't fight them off! We have to escape!" Hermione screamed, beating off Ron Fangirls who were surrounding her. "Zombies8Me! Give us a scene change!" she screamed as another one jumped her from behind.

"I can't!" I cried. "That wouldn't make any sense! The reviews will be horrible!" I cut a Mary-Sue's hair off, and she withered to nothing, screaming about the prophesy that said her hair gave her immortality.

"Who cares about the reviews?!" George screamed before he vanished beneath the Fred Fangirls, telling him they'd take him away before he died in the last book.

"How dare ye!" I yelled. "You can't just give away spoilers without warnings!"

"Snape kills Dumbledore! Mad Eyed Moody dies! Harry is a Horcrux!" they chanted, making the real characters writher in pain.

"You stupid fan fiction suethors!" Ginny yelled. "We need a scene change! Hurry!"

"Fine!" I spat. "We'll take a paragraph break!"

Will the Mary-Sues ever die? What will become of those lost in their evil clutches? Where will Zombies8Me take them? Is any place safe from their evil?

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 1/8/09