It was dark outside. Late. She couldn't remember how long she had been drinking alone in her office. Too long probably. She couldn't see the time on her watch, she couldn't even find her glasses. She stood up, leaning on her chair, the chair she should have known had wheels. She slipped and grabbed the desk just in time. She took a breath and opened the window. The air pushed fiercely inside and with the air came the rain. Cold drops hit her face and soon the light shirt wasn't enough for the temperature in the room. She could have done something but why bother?

What's a little dying every now and then? What's a belt around your neck and a knife shining at the corner of your eye? What's a new car because the old one is ruined by dry red stains? She'd never scared easily, and the storm outside was strangely soothing anyway. She hoped everybody was gone by now, that she could be miserable without life constantly interrupting her. All those kids she had to care for, make sure they didn't burn themselves. That one kid with deep brown eyes always staring at her like she had all the answers. But she wasn't a kid, was she? She'd become all grown-up in the last five years and Gill couldn't pretend she hadn't noticed anymore. Not to be drawn to her.

Rachel was as dangerous as Helen Bartlett and there was no one to tell, no one who would have believed her. But then again, what's a little dying? Like the hand on her shoulder now and the familiar smell. Gill prayed she could melt right there and not be forced to turn around. Not be forced to pretend in this pitiful, alcoholic state she was in. It was a violence really, the closeness of her body, the worry in her eyes. If she were strong enough Gill would have pushed her away, and spat something hurtful. Instead she looked for her glass and drank till the the last drop.

Rachel closed the window. "Time to go home boss?"

"I'll call a cab."

"No need." Rachel put the coat on her shoulders and Gill tried to move away, annoyed, but the younger woman kept her still. "I'm going the same way, come on."

"I don't like you."

"I know, boss."

"Don't look at me all mature and sober."

"You know I'm rarely either." Rachel answered patiently.

Gill stepped closer and stared into her eyes. With one finger touched the point of Rachel's nose. "See? I'm not drunk." But the finger slipped down to Rachel's lips and Gill traced them like it was the first time she'd ever seen them. "Too beautiful to get me home." She clung to her coat. "Ask Janet."

"Jan.. Janet is gone. It's only ten minutes, boss. You're freezing."

Gill sighed. "Alright."

In the car Rachel turned on the air conditioning and the heat made Gill sleepy. She leaned on the window and watched Rachel the whole ride home. She could see how uncomfortable the girl was, how hard she tried not to look back and the relief on her face when she finally parked.

"Want to know why I drink, kid?" Rachel hands tightened on the wheel. "To make old memories go away and new problems look manageable. But when I get there, I drink a little more. And a bit more. Till the troubles begin, till the impossible thing seems the easiest to do. Till it's the only thing I can possibly do. Like this, like now. Like kissing you." Rachel turned to her and Gill kissed her lightly.

"It shouldn't be so easy, should it?" She took her face between her hands and kissed her deeply and desperately. But suddenly she felt overwhelmed and, worst of all, lucid. Panicking, she pushed Rachel away.

"I.. I'm sorry, kid." And quickly stumbled out of the car.

The last thing she heard was a hurtful "Yeah.. you drunk.. always sorry, right?" and the car rushing away.

At almost four in the morning she got a call and for a moment she thought it could have been Rachel. It was a new case. She lay in bed till she was sure she could stop feeling the girl's lips in all the most inappropriate places and begin her day.

During the daily briefing with the team she could feel Rachel's eyes burning a hole into her skull. It was utterly annoying and she was too tired to pretend otherwise.

"What do you think, Rachel?"

"Mmm.. what?"

Gill's eyes were locked on hers while she repeated impatiently. "Shall we bring the husband in or would it be better to interview him at his house again?"

"I.. I think.. I should go there and talk to him a bit more." She finally managed. And Gill was sure she hadn't paid attention to one thing she had been saying for the last thirty minutes.

"Alright then. Janet, go with Rachel. Mitch and the others talk to the neighbours, maybe after breakfast they'll all be more cooperative."

Everybody stood up and noisily left the room. Gill went back into her office and stretched her neck. Her body was killing her.

"Whose genius idea was it to interrogate the husband at his place?"

Rachel held up her hand.

"Rachel, yes. And when he started to confess the whole story couldn't you stop him and drag him here, where all the cameras our government pays for are?"

"He was.."

"I'm talking to my DS, Janet."

"We tried boss, but he was completely in shock and we had to call an ambulance."

"The second great decision you made this morning! Now he's in the hospital sedated till next year!"

"I'm sorry boss, I seem to have made a lot of bad decisions lately. And they all come back biting my arse."

Gill flushed. "In my office, now!" And stormed away.

Rachel was right behind her.

"Close the blinds."

"What?"

"Can you at least do this right or shall I hold your hand?"

Rachel angrily closed the door and then the blinds.

"Is it good? Do you need me to please you in any other way, boss?"

"Don't talk to me like that!" Gill yelled.

"No, you don't talk to me like that! You made a mistake, not me." "You wanted to talk to the husband."

"You let me."

"You were looking at me instead of listening!"

"That's even more reason not to let me take the decision, I was completely out of it this morning, and you knew it. And you knew why!"

Gill opened her mouth but nothing came out. Was it true? Was it her fault? She leaned on her desk and thought about her actions.

"I.. I'm sorry Rachel. I've made one mistake after another, I.."

"They weren't all mistakes." And Gill could read anger, sadness and hope passing rapidly through Rachel's eyes.

"No?"

"I think.. the kiss.."

"Stop right there, kid."

"But.."

"Just stop. Let me apologise and never think about it ever again."

"Can't I have a say in it?" The anger was back but it was deeper this time. Like Rachel was tired of always being told what was going on, and never really being the one making things happen.

"No."

"Who am I talking to? Did you just put your Godzilla on? I want the one who kissed me last night."

"The drunk? The one who messed up a case because she couldn't stand your eyes on her?" Gill tried to stop herself and her voice came out strangled. "The one who wants so much more that just one kiss?"

Rachel was on her as soon as she finished the sentence. But Gill put her fingers on her mouth and rested her forehead on hers.

"See? We can't do this. We can't forget who we are."

Rachel ran away and she was left to wonder if their job was just an excuse. If her obsession with not showing weakness had anything to do with it. Because caring for someone, wasn't that the greatest weakness of all? And she wasn't young anymore, trusting anymore. She was drinking at night in her office and getting sick of blood.

Everything went back to normal. Business as usual. They got the husband eventually and caught another case, then another. Everything was normal except for the small things. Every morning they sat at the meeting table and every morning Rachel brushed her hand on Gill's. Just once. And Gill began to wait for the little touch, expecting it. Sometimes she looked through the window of her office and found Rachel staring back at her. On occasion she would take off her glasses just to make the moment last a little longer.

One Friday night Gill was leaving the pub and the guys inside celebrating the weekend ahead. She wanted to walk a little bit to clear her head before catching a cab. She heard her unmistakable laugh and a little voice inside of her screamed to keep going. But she stopped and turned. Rachel wasn't alone, who would laugh that way alone? A man was holding her and the voice begged Gill in vain to go away. Rachel's eyes met hers the moment the man kissed her. The world stopped turning and Gill felt her stomach shrink. Her ears were buzzing so loud she covered them with her hands and stepped away. She wanted to run but she was sure she would be sick if she did. Of course she's sleeping with someone else, of course. What do you think she was doing every night? Crying over you? And for how long? Gill wasn't distraught, she was mad, so mad she could have killed the first person she'd met.

"Wait!" And of course, again, of course that person must have been Rachel.

"Go away!"

"No, wait." Rachel grabbed her arm and Gill pushed her so hard she hit a car parked behind her.

"What the hell?"

"Don't you dare grab me ever again."

"I just.. fuck. Why am I even sorry? I didn't do anything wrong."

"Then go back to whatever you were doing and leave me the fuck alone."

"No!" Rachel took her arm again and Gill pushed her again, this time with her whole body, against the car.

"Why? Why.." But she couldn't go on, she couldn't say why does it have to hurt so much, why do you have to have life. And she didn't see Rachel coming close, too close, and kiss her.

She stepped back, disgust all over her face. "You never learn, kid. Do you?" And cleaned her mouth with the back of her hand.

That was the moment everything went down the drain. No more glares or stolen touches. It was war. A silent and professional and not so subtle war. In a few days everybody had noticed. All the guys tiptoed around them. Janet had known something was going on for a long time because, well, she was Janet. She tried to talk to both of them but they refused to admit something was wrong. After two weeks they were openly defying each other and Janet was scared that Rachel was going to lose her job. So she took a decision and prayed it was the right one.