"All I want is to know if you still care or if you don't. The truth. Regardless of what it might be. Because this uncertainty is far worse than anything you could throw my way."
Prompt – Guest (Someone): Twelve meets River Song, who doesn't understand why he won't kiss her. Ends with Twelve finding a different way to tell her that she's still important to him.
AroAce!Twelve. Doctor/River Song queerplatonic relationship, set after 'Death In Heaven'. One-Shot
First of all, lots of thanks to the guest called 'Someone' who gave me this prompt! I had loads of fun writing it, even though I must admit that River gave me some trouble. It's so hard to write for her, it's ridiculous. Not my best work, I have to admit, but I hope this lives up to your expectations. Anyway, have fun reading!
(PS. I'm still open for prompts. So if you have any ideas, drop them in the reviews and I'll see what I can do :) Only one rule: It stays platonic. For reasons. Including the fact that I'm absolutely rubbish at writing romance.)
WHAT IT MEANS TO CARE
Like so many things in the vast and wondrous expanses of the universe, it started with a bang.
The ship gave a lurch. A thunderous sound raced through the hull, shaking the walls of every room in a simultaneous echo of destruction, making every corner of the vessel shudder. After a moment's silence, lights flickering on and off for the fraction of a second, a shrill, howling alarm started echoing through the corridors. Although it could be argued that, at this point, the alarm wouldn't even have been needed: The mere shockwave had been enough to send every single creature on board into a frenzy, the corridors filling with the shouts of a thousand metallic voices.
"UNDER ATTACK!"
"INTRUDER! INTRUDER!"
"SEEK-LOCATE-EXTERMINATE!"
"INTRUDER!"
The dalek command ship, which had been unsettlingly loitering in deep space for the last couple of hours, broke out with activity. Suddenly, another detonation shook the craft to its core, then another, and another. Sparks flew from every crevasse, as cables overloaded and burst. The hull creaked and groaned as its bent-out-of-shape insides built up an enormous amount of tension, causing the metal to crack. Daleks were gliding backwards and forwards, shouting their battle cries in time with the howling alarm.
"WHAT IS HAPPENING? REPORT! REPORT!" the deep voice of the supreme dalek thundered. He turned around to a group of inferior daleks, which were scattered around various controls, watching the events unfold from the relative safety of the bridge.
One of them, a surveillance dalek, raised its eyestalk and looked at him. "DALEK COMMAND SHIP UNDER ATTACK! POWER CORE BREACHED! EXTENT OF DAMAGE UNKNOWN!"
The supreme dalek fixed the other creature with a one-eyed stare as the information was processed in his data core. This couldn't be a normal attack. The human resistance wasn't intelligent enough. They were weak, inferior. They had conventional weapons, ineffective against the dalekanium the ship was built of. And they would never make it past its defenses to attack from the inside in the first place. Nobody could.
Nobody. Except for one person.
"HOW MANY INTRUDERS?" he finally asked, not letting the surveillance dalek out of his sight.
"ONE," it answered simply.
Suddenly, as if provoked, the alarm was cut off in mid-howl. The floor shuddered, the lights flickered. The daleks fell silent, one by one. Then, the communication system gave an ungodly screech, a high-pitched squeal which sounded like a dying animal, before it warped and turned into a voice.
"Oh, dear me! Sorry about that," it said, sounding very amused. "Your system is ever so difficult to hack into, but I always manage it in the end, don't I? Hello again."
The supreme dalek felt dead, cold dread rise up from the pits of his shell. He wasn't prepared for this. Not again. "FIND THE INTRUDER! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" he shouted frantically.
A laugh came over the intercom. "Don't bother shouting your head off. I've disabled transmissions everywhere, except for us. A direct line to the bridge. Wouldn't want you to send more of your boys down here, would I?"
Hesitating for a moment, the supreme dalek turned his eyestalk up at the speakers, as if trying to make eye-contact. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" he demanded.
"Just a little souvenir. Your energy cell is quite a fascinating piece of engineering. I think I might just keep it. Oh, and don't try to hack the door, I've taken the liberty and welded it shut. You'll have to force your way in, I'm afraid… Anyway, it was a pleasure talking to you."
And with those words, the lights went out.
River Song moved as far away from the door as she could, a smile playing on her lips as she heard the frantic shouts of "SEEK-LOCATE-EXTERMINATE!" from the corridor outside. By now, they would have found the group of exploded daleks – A little gift from her to be remembered by. Dimensional shift bombs, coupled with high-end explosives. How wonderfully useful they were.
With a triumphant grin on her face and clutching the dalek power cell under one arm, she checked her wrist watch. Two minutes past. He was late. Again. She rolled her eyes. For a man whose species claimed the lordship over all of history, he could be a dreadful time keeper.
"Hurry up, husband of mine," she breathed, watching how the door started glowing with heat.
She closed her eyes. And then she heard it.
It started as a whisper. A barely audible sound, like the rustling of leaves brushing over the ground. The wind picked up, making her curls dance around her face, while the sound grew and spread and… became. In time with the growing volume of the whooshing and grinding echoes, the air blew in her face stronger and stronger, until she could make out a pulsating white light filtering through her eyelids.
A final gust of wind and a deep, reverberating 'clang' announced the arrival of her ticket to the stars. The light stopped throbbing. River opened her eyes.
And there she was. Occupying what had been mere empty space a moment ago, the Tardis sat in all her brilliant blue glory. Soft light had flooded the room, emanating from her wide open doors.
River didn't hesitate for another moment. Hearing the door to the room burst, dalek voices repeating "EXTERMINATE!" as if chanting, she ran, jumped in and slammed the doors shut behind her, just as the first shots were fired. The second she stepped in, she heard another bell-like clanging, followed by the engine sounds as the Tardis took off again. They were already on their way out. With every second, the dalek's voices faded away, until all she heard was the wheezing breath of the time ship.
For a moment, River wasn't even sure if there was anyone else in the control room with her. It felt so terribly empty. So cold. No one there to greet her, not a soul, not a whisper.
Then, a shadow detached itself from the back of the room. A smile spread over her lips as she started moving towards the console. "Hello, sweetie," she said, playfulness resonating in her words.
The shadow stopped moving. "River Song," it responded, voice grave and frigid. "It's been a while."
River froze. That voice… It wasn't his voice at all. Not the voice she'd expected. Its tone seemed dark, its sound was deep and rough. She could hear no resemblance to the voice she knew, the young and mischievous one which had told her so many stories, had laughed with her, had promised her so many things.
The shadow moved again, a glimpse of red lining flashing from under a black coat as he stepped into the light. He was tall and had a dark, menacing appearance, which stood in contrast to his pale skin and bright, silver hair. His eyes, which were surrounded by a network of fine lines, narrowed in an apprehensive gaze. "I'm probably not the one you expected," the Doctor said quietly, a distinctly Scottish drawl to his words.
She let her eyes wander up and down his lean body, taking in its somber form. This was… different. Very different. Very interesting. She'd seen several pictures of his previous selves scattered around the place on her regular visits to the Tardis. Mementos, pictures of past adventures, showing the Doctor arm in arm with friends long gone. He probably didn't even notice he had the things lying around. He was funny like that. But this face hadn't been among them. That, and the fact that he'd recognized her could only mean one thing. River smirked. "It seems the Tardis isn't the only thing you've redecorated," she stated. "Have you regenerated on me?"
The Doctor lifted his eyebrows. "Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Hmm. Sarcasm…"
"Shocked?"
"Intrigued."
The Doctor stared at her for a while, wearing an unreadable expression. Suddenly, he turned and moved to the other side of the console, absent-mindedly closing a button of his jacket. "You graffitied my Tardis," he said in an accusing tone of voice, completely changing the subject.
"How else would one go about reaching you?"
"This is a phone box, in case you haven't noticed. You could have called me," the Doctor huffed in reply and gave her a sidelong glance. "But not you, oh no. You're River Song. Phoning is much too boring for you, isn't it?"
River shrugged, a bemused look on her face. "Well, it worked, din't it?"
She slowly moved towards him, tracing the edge of the console with her fingertips. The Tardis gave a friendly, warm hum at the touch. All the while, the Doctor watched her like a hawk. Then he pointed at the football-sized orb still clutched under her arm. "What do you need a dalek power cell for?"
River smiled, continuing her advance. "Oh, that… Just another addition to my collection, nothing more," she said and lay it on the console, where it rested in one of the many crevasses between control panels.
The Doctor frowned. "Why?"
"Fun. I do like to annoy them every now and then. They are so easily spooked. Sometimes, I'm almost inclined to feel sorry for the poor things."
"You break into dalek ships… for fun?"
They were now standing directly in front of each other. "Is this an interrogation?" she asked, a hint of amusement in her voice.
"What gave you that idea?" the Doctor answered innocently.
"I don't know, maybe because of all the questions."
His eyes flicked up at the ceiling for a moment. "Maybe I'm just generally curious," he said, turning his gaze back on her.
"Maybe…" She was now standing close enough for him to feel her breath on his face. Instinctively, the Doctor took a cautious step back, watching her warily. River began to slowly circle him, her eyes running up and down his body, an indefinable smile on her face. He wasn't entirely sure what she was up to, but he didn't like it.
"What are you doing?" he asked suspiciously, as she stopped her circle around him and inched forward. He could feel the cold edge of the console press into his lower back as he tried to get some distance between the two of them.
River ignored his words. "Hmm. Grey hair… and the eyebrows are quite expressive," she whispered. "Oh, but I like it."
The Doctor braced himself, arms clutching the edge of the console, desperately trying to lean away as River bent forward. Then she gingerly put her hands on his, pinning him in place. A shudder of discomfort went through his body, eyes nervously darting down, then up again. He swallowed audibly.
"Like… what?" he inquired, hoping he wouldn't regret the answer.
River's smile grew "The new look. Advanced age, it suits you ever so much."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, you know exactly what I mean."
"I… really don't."
"Well… In that case, I'll have to show you." And with that, she moved forward. A recent memory flashed in the Doctor's mind. The feeling of a cold wall behind his back, a pressure on his arms, no chance to get away. And the feeling of wet lips on his, waves of shivers running up and down his spine, eyes pressed shut and him trying to endure it while the kiss seemed to last forever. He never, ever wanted to feel that way again.
His mind came back to the present. Reacting instinctively, the Doctor ripped his hands away from under River's and held them up protectively in front of himself, to end her advances right there, before she went too far. "River, stop it!"
Alarmed by his tone of voice, she froze. Their faces weren't even an inch apart now. "What?" she breathed.
"Just… stop," he groaned through clenched teeth.
River stared at the man in front of her in disbelief. When she noticed the way he was looking at her, she jerked back immediately. The Doctor's frame relaxed visibly, though his expression remained a mask of distress. River's mouth hung open. This wasn't the reaction she'd expected. "I… I don't understand…" she stammered.
The Doctor ripped his eyes from her and whirled around, walking to the other side of the console in long strides, breathing heavily. River was left to stare into the void on her own. If she was honest with herself, she didn't know how to feel right now. Shock was probably the best description. But there were other emotions. Confusion. Anger. Disappointment. Frustration. Disbelief.
His reaction had knocked all the wind out of her. She hadn't seen it coming. Evidently, this Doctor was a future version, so why had he reacted with such panic? It just didn't seem right. By this point they must have shared kisses thousands of times. Of course, she knew he'd never been comfortable with… going further. But they'd discussed that. She'd been perfectly content to stick to ordinary signs of affection like hooking arms and the occasional caress. And he had too. He'd loved the flirting and never told or showed her anything to the contrary. Until now. What must've happened between the two of them for him to react that way? The options were almost too painful to consider. And then, she remembered what he'd said. 'River Song. It's been a while.' The words echoed in her mind eerily. How long had it been for him? She lifted her head, watching her husband with wide open eyes, not knowing what to say.
Even now, he was avoiding her glance by randomly pressing buttons. She knew he was pretending. The Tardis herself had shown her how to fly and she knew which buttons did what at which time and which buttons did nothing.
The silence didn't last too long. As soon as the engines went quiet, the unsaid words hanging in the air became too much for River to bare.
She took a deep breath. "Why?" she asked.
"Why what?" he shot back, gaze resting on his hands.
"Why did you just… push me away like that?"
"Doesn't matter," the Doctor replied and finally, reluctantly, glowered at her. "Back to Stormcage, River Song. That's where you are right now, isn't it?"
"No!" River felt how her eyes started stinging. "You are not getting away with this. Not like that. I won't leave the Tardis until you've explained yourself!"
He let out a little sarcastic laugh. "Until I've explained myself?" he repeated. "What about you? You're the one who started it!"
"What?"
"You invaded my personal space, actually you should be the one explaining yourself to me!"
"Oh, shut up!"
The slap was so loud, it echoed through the control room like a thunderclap. Staring at her with wide open eyes, the Doctor clutched his burning cheek. "Ow… What was that for?" he asked in exasperation.
"Don't pretend like you're so clueless!" River was breathing heavily, trying to keep her emotions in check. It proved to be very hard. Her vision was blurring. "You left me. For months, I haven't seen you. Not one time." The Doctor stayed glued to the spot, not daring to say anything. River continued. "Your first kiss, remember? After we defeated the Silence? You never returned. After an eternity of visits and whisking me off to other worlds with your blue box… you just disappeared."
Finally removing his hand from his cheek, the Doctor shrugged. "That's hardly my fault. We never met in the right order, it was bound to happen."
"I know. But that doesn't make it hurt less!" River sighed shakily, turning her head away. "Perhaps it was foolish of me, but I comforted myself by knowing… thinking that somewhere, there was a future Doctor who was still in love with me. And that he'd never stop caring. And now you're here…" She took a step towards the Doctor, who moved backwards simultaneously, a frown deepening the lines on his face. River smiled sadly. "You're my husband. You know me, you've lived through all our most glorious moments and our deepest, darkest days. We've shared so much with each other. And now, you won't even touch me."
This time, she didn't attempt to close the space between her and the Doctor. She simply laid her hand on the console and closed her eyes. "Do I mean nothing to you anymore?"
There was a long and thoughtful silence. River didn't dare open her eyes for fear of… what exactly? Maybe she was simply afraid to see him reject her again. Right now, she felt like her heart had been ripped out and trodden upon. And she hated the silence which was surrounding her. "Doctor?" she urged.
There was a sigh from him, followed by a pause in which he seemed to hold his breath. Finally, he spoke in a faraway voice. "Of course I still care about you. I always have."
Her eyes snapped open. The Doctor was still standing in the same spot, but he wasn't looking at her. Gaze fixed on his fingers, he was playing around with the ring on his left hand, inspecting the glittery green gem which adorned it.
"If that's true," River began and took another shuddering breath, "Then why did you reject me?"
"I didn't reject you."
She laughed bitterly at his response. "You didn't? Really? Because from where I'm standing, it very much felt like you did."
"Well, maybe that's because you scared the living daylights out of me," the Doctor answered and lifted his head, directing a frown at her. "And anyway, kissing is just an activity, River. Like…" he started gesticulating, trying to find the right words. "Like ice-skating. Or flying, or stealing things from daleks once a month, for all I care," he continued and then shrugged. "And I happen to not like that activity. Rejection has nothing to do with it."
River shook her head. "God, you are infuriating!"
The Doctor lifted his eyebrows in response. "What have I done now?"
She pretended not to hear his question and went on. "A kiss isn't just an… an activity!" she insisted. "I know how awfully sappy this sounds, but a kiss is supposed to be a sign of affection, Doctor. Not simply 'an activity'."
"Really? Is it?"
"Yes."
The Doctor didn't seem to be the least bit convinced. Letting his hands slip into the pockets of his trousers, he took a moment to contemplate. Then he turned his piercing gaze on her. "Well, in that case your idea of love is very different to mine," he declared.
For the first time since the earlier slap, River turned her full attention on the doctor, instead of keeping part of it on her anger. His expression seemed somber, almost melancholy. It was a strange look, one she couldn't yet place on the face he wore now. Could it be? Was he disappointed? She'd spent the last… however many minutes it had been on her frustration. Her frustration for his inability to understand where she came from. Perhaps, he was just as frustrated at her inability to comprehend his point of view. Maybe it was just that. Maybe they just had to find a… language they'd both understand.
River sagged against the central console, clutching her hands in her lap, feeling her annoyance drain away. "Look, I…" she broke off, not sure how to start.
The Doctor, seemingly perking up at her changed demeanor, finally left his safe spot and let himself settle down against the control panel next to her. Somewhat nervously, he crossed his arms and started scrutinizing the floor. "Go on, what is it?" he demanded.
Closing her eyes momentarily, River bit her lip. "All I want is to know if you still care or if you don't. The truth. Regardless of what it might be. Because this uncertainty is far worse than anything you could throw my way. No lies, no excuses. Just the truth."
"I already told you."
"That isn't an answer." She watched the Doctor's gaze shift from the floor to the bookshelves on the upper deck. "Do you or don't you still love me, Doctor? I need the truth."
He closed his eyes, but refused to answer. River huffed, feeling the annoyance bubble up again. "All right, let me ask you another way." With one swift movement, she stood and stepped in front of the Doctor, forcing him to look at her. "What am I to you? A lover? Or just a friend?"
"There's no such thing as 'just' a friend. There's nothing mediocre about friendship."
"Doctor," she warned.
A long moment passed, in which his eyes seemed to search hers. He fond himself fidgeting with his ring again. He stared at it. He took his hand away, watching how the the precious stone caught the light and glinted, reminding him of stars in the nighttime sky. And then an idea hit him. Or rather, a memory. Like the rising sun, understanding seemed to spread over his features. With amazement, River watched how a thin smile deepened the lines on his face. "Neither," he said with a little, perhaps even playful, jolt.
"Neither?" River blinked. She felt quite taken aback by his sudden cheerfulness. "Neither a lover… nor a friend."
The Doctor positively beamed now "Yes!"
"I… don't understand."
he spread his arms, eyes wide open and said "You're my wife."
River couldn't help but pick up on his joyful demeanor. Her frown softened. "Yes, I am aware of that, my love. I distinctly remember marrying you," she pointed out.
"No, shut it!" the Doctor held up a finger in front of her face. "You're my wife," he repeated, an unshakable certainty in his voice this time. He stepped forward and closed both his palms around her hand, his intense gaze never shifting off of her. "And you have only to ask, I'd marry you again. Every time. Because I can't offer you love by a kiss or a touch or a word. Those things don't mean anything, not to me. And I can't lie and pretend to give them meaning… I can only show you." He took one of his hands away from her palm. "And this is me, showing you."
Only now did she notice something small and smooth press against her skin. River looked down. And there it was. The Doctor's golden band with the green gem. Taking her fingers gingerly, he closed her hand to a fist around the metal, which was still warm. "Your ring?" she asked, almost disbelievingly.
"Not just any ring." His grip squeezed together lightly. "Someone gave this ring to me. Someone very dear to my hearts. Someone who was neither a lover nor a friend, but a kindred soul. She gave this to me the last time I ever saw her. The last time I thought I'd ever see her. And I've worn it ever since, never took it off, never once. It reminds me of her, every second we were together. Every word she said, every moment I saw her, every single memory I have of her is connected to this ring. And right now, in this moment, it's the most important thing I own. Because this was her promise to me."
He let her hands go and took a step back, a warm gaze searching her face. "And I think it's time to return it to her."
River gazed at her closed hand, her features turning into a knowing smile. "What was the promise?"
"That she'd never forget how much I meant to her. Just as I now promise to never forget how much she meant to me."
She swallowed hard. "I'll be sure to pass it on."
"Thank you"
River once again regarded the ring twirling in her fingers. "No, thank you," she said.
The Doctor gave her an endearing little smile and once again leaned his back against the console, hands placed on either side of himself. River joined him not long after, deliberately placing her hand so it lay right next to his. He winced slightly at the touch, but then he relaxed almost immediately, shooting her a glance from the corner of his eyes. It was quite sweet, River thought.
"You know what we ought to do right now?" River asked, placing the ring in her jacket pocket. "We should break the rules."
The Doctor frowned in confusion. "What rules?"
"Our rules," she explained and straightened up. "Spoilers aside, let's go for a trip. Before you drop me off. Just you and me, like the old days. Minus the kissing, of course. Besides, I still need to graffiti your Tardis."
A short laugh escaped his lips. Then he held up his hand, beckoning River to take it with an encouraging nod. She reached over and entwined her fingers with his. The Doctor nodded towards the central column. "One last hurrah?"
"Yes." River smiled. "One last hurrah."