Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy and I don't want to. Now, when it comes to all the The National's songs I'll use here, we can reconsider.
A/N: This is the long-awaited Part 2 of "I Missed You For 29 Years". Sorry it took me forever to post it, but life had other plans. Updates will be slow. Slower than slow. I'm putting this up as a promise, something concrete so you can make sure I'll finish it someday.
This story starts almost 8 years after Part 1. I know it's not what you expected from that ending, but there's a reason for it, and it's strictly connected to the title. Derek was 29 back in that story, now it's Meredith who is 29. Also, while we began from Meredith's POV, this time we're starting with Derek. Let's see where he's standing...
Enjoy!
Before I Saw You
I made a mistake in my life today
Everything I love gets lost in drawers
I want to start over, I want to be winning
Way out of sync from the beginning
Chapter 1 - Won't Need Any Help To Be Lonely When You Leave Me
Derek sighs quietly, rubbing the bony back of the small child resting against his chest. He breathes in the smell of strawberries and the outdoors with a tinge of old sweat and pure innocence that the little girl exudes. She's pressed against him so tightly he's sweating a little in spite of the gentle breeze cooling the day.
It seems impossible that almost the entire month of June has gone by already. Summers are always hard for him, and they usually seem to drag on, but not this one. This one is flying by.
His fingers get caught in a tangle as he tucks a strand of dark hair behind the girl's small ear. She sighs contentedly, snuggling the small stuffed otter deeper into her arms.
Days in June are so long that Derek loves watching the sky painted with all kinds of orange and red hues as the sun sets behind the hills. Sitting on his mother's front porch is still his favorite way to appreciate a sunset, especially when it's still relatively quiet after a full day spent with loud children and excited sisters and husbands and boyfriends catching up on each other's lives.
He loves that his mother's birthday is so close to the Fourth of July, and yet it's not on the Fourth. They get the same weather, and yet everybody can be free for a reunion. Since he and his siblings are all doctors, it's easier to book off a weekend two weeks before a major holiday, rather than the holiday itself, and that way he can still get to pick if he wants Thanksgiving or Christmas off.
Not that Derek has many reasons to take any days off when his mother only lives an hour away from him, and he finds these reunions mostly overwhelming and bittersweet. He doesn't avoid them, but he also tries to spend as little time as possible as he can there in the mayhem.
"I think I love them a little bit more when they are asleep." Lizzie intrudes on his thoughts, and he chuckles quietly. The girl in his arms stirs slightly, but the pattern of her deep, warm breaths is still the same.
"I love the quiet of the porch too," he agrees, taking in the muffled voices coming from inside, glad that they're far away enough that he can't understand what they're saying.
"Wanna give me that otter? I swear Annie doesn't go anywhere without that thing you brought her back from Genoa."
Derek shakes his head, though something swells up in his heart, swells and then pops, almost ripping open the stitches he's so careful never to touch on a wound that never seems to heal.
"You know she's my favorite niece, right?" he says quietly, sharing a forced smile with Lizzie, trying not to let his façade slip.
"I figured that," Lizzie chortles. "She doesn't even let me hold her when she sleeps. She says almost eight is too old to be doing that.. Look at her now."
"You know we miss each other."
"You should come visit more than once every two weeks, Derek. You're always at work, and she always asks to visit you when we don't have plans. You can spare twenty minutes to drive up north, can't you?"
Derek feels even guiltier now. He's exploiting his niece's love for him to fill a void, and he feels awful. He has a hard time going home to an empty house and Annabel makes it better, no matter how selfish he feels every time he has her over.
"It's hard for me. You know I want a family, I want to be a dad– "
"So go and find a girl. You're living like a monk. An overworked monk," Lizzie scolds.
Derek can see her face falling, and he hates it. He hates that he's the pathetic one in the family, the one who always gets the pity looks when it's his turn to give thanks at Thanksgiving, when it's time to open presents on Christmas morning, or when he always shows up at gatherings like their mother's birthday alone, barely a duffel bag in tow, his eyes sad and happy at the same time.
Derek knows what he looks like when he shows up, because it's the same face that stares at him back in the mirror every morning.
Lizzie remains quiet, sipping her glass of ice tea. Her gaze turns towards the now indigo sky, giving him the quiet.
"I was offered the Head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace Hospital two days ago," he says quietly, unable to help himself when he holds his niece just a little tighter. "I'm thinking about taking it."
Liz turns abruptly towards him, her eyes widening. "Seattle?!"
"Mom said a change of scenery might be wise. I'm drowning in myself, Liz. And there's more work there, the private practice was not a good idea. There are no memories there either. I can start fresh."
His sister looks perplexed, and then it's like a light goes off in her head. "You said Meredith's mother was in Seattle!"
Derek shakes his head. "I'm not going there for her, Liz. They called me in for a consult at a different hospital a month ago, and I loved it out there. It's just...quiet. New York is smothering me."
Lizzie looks hurt for a moment. "You mean we are smothering you."
"No!" He backtracks right away. Annabel shifts in his arms, but remains asleep. "Lizzie, I don't know where I would be without all of you. Your kids and your problems and your bitching make me feel human, and I just...work is the only place I feel like I belong, and this is a great opportunity for me."
"It's on the other side of the country," Lizzie protests weakly.
"And there are planes, cars, trains, and buses. Liz, I'd take a hot air balloon to come home, if it came down to it. I won't make it to some things, but you'll see me again. I'm not going into hiding. And you can come visit."
Lizzie nods. "So you're going. This is not something you were discussing, it's an announcement."
"Yeah, Lizzie."
"You know Annabel will call you every day, right?"
"I'd be happy to listen to her for hours," Derek admits, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.
As if on cue, Annabel stirs in his lap, rubbing her cheek against his t-shirt. She clutches him and Lottie the Otter tighter against her chest for a second, before her hazel eyes open slowly. She graces him with the most dazzling, sleepy smile he has ever seen.
"Well, hello there, sleeping log."
Annabel giggles quietly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "I'm not a log, Uncle Derek!"
"Well, you sleep like one, Annabel Meredith." She laughs again, her eyes blinking away the sleep, and he feels his heart squeeze in his chest. "You are a cute log, though. I'm okay with that."
Annabel keeps laughing, becoming more and more aware of her surroundings. Her composure slips back when she spots her mother.
"Uncle Derek makes for a soft pillow, huh?" Lizzie grins, teasing him, though it's not as happy as usual. Annabel nods eagerly, remaining a little slack in his hold.
"You're a good snuggler, Uncle Derek."
Derek laughs, snuggling her closer, which brings about even more giggling. His mood becomes a little more somber as the last glimmers of sunlight disappear. The sky becomes a thick mass of dark blue hues and the first glimmering stars start to appear.
"I have an announcement to make, Annie Mer," he says quietly, using one of the myriads of nicknames he made up so that he could keep using her middle name.
"Did something bad happen?" Annabel frowns and sits up straighter on his lap; she shares a quick look with her mother before focusing her attention solely on him
"No, it's not bad, but it changes things. I'm moving, Annie."
"You're getting a bigger house? Do you have a girlfriend?" She grins, more mischievous than ever. Derek hates to crush her excitement.
"No, neither of those. I'm changing my job, so I have to move."
"You're not going to be a brain doctor anymore?"
Derek grins. "Of course I am, but I'm going to be a more important doctor and work in a hospital, so I need to move to a place where I can run my own ship."
"You're going to be the boss of everyone?" Annabel's eyes are shining.
"Yes, all the neurosurgeons will have to answer to me."
"Cool!" she exclaims, her eyes widening. "Where is this job? Can I come and see you boss people around?"
Derek smiles sadly. "You can come visit, but it's really far away. Do you know where Seattle is?"
Annabel knits her brow, her eyes widening before she scrambles inside, leaving Derek in her wake.
"She didn't take that well, uh?" He sighs loudly, swallowing thickly.
Before Lizzie can reply though, Annabel comes back with a large book in her hands that is very familiar to Derek. He would recognize that cover anywhere — it's the atlas that has always been in the house from when they were little.
Annabel sits down beside him, the open book covering her whole lap as she finds the marked page of where her grandmother's house is. She grins when she finds the little star Derek drew over the exact spot when he was little and points at it.
"Okay, we're here, Uncle Derek. Where are you going to buy a house?"
Derek sighs, turning back various pages until they have a comprehensive view of the United States in full. Annabel frowns beside him.
"Alright, Nana's house is here," he explains, placing his finger roughly around his hometown, a little further up from New York City, watching Annabel nod and smile. "I'm moving to Seattle," he confesses, his other finger pointing to the other end of the map.
"Seattle?" Annabel repeats slowly, her eyes meeting his, and he can already see the tears. "But it's...you can't even touch them with the same hand, Uncle Derek," she squeaks, panic filling her voice. "You can't go!"
"Oh, Annie," he mumbles, gathering her in his arms. He kisses the top of her head as she starts crying.
"I need you here, Uncle Derek. You're my favorite uncle!"
"I know, and you're my favorite niece. But I have to go. I have to work."
"I hate work. You should just play with me all day. No work, no school, no nothing."
"We can't do that, Annie Mer. You know we can't."
"Take me with you, Mommy won't miss me, she has the new baby and all my sisters. You've only got me!"
Derek feels a tear ready to slip down his cheek. "I will always have you, Annie. In here," he says, patting his heart. He grabs her fingers and puts them where she can feel his heart beating.
"But where will I have you?"
"In here," he replies, doing the same on her chest. "And here," he adds, poking her otter. "And you can call me whenever you want."
"But you'll come visit me, right?"
"I'll make sure we can see each other often. And we can use the computer to see each other. I'll tell Mommy how to do it, okay?"
Annabel nods, but she keeps holding him tightly.
"Maybe your mommy will let you stay with me for a little bit when you have a holiday next and you're a little older. You'll hop on a plane and we will conquer Seattle. Just the two of us." Derek knows he should talk to Lizzie about it first, but he'll dig himself out of that hole when the time comes. "Believe me, you will miss your mommy like crazy if you went away. I miss my mommy since I moved out of her house."
"Then don't go!"
"Everything will work out alright, I promise. You just have to wait for me."
Annabel's loud sniffle breaks his heart. Then her eyes widen in panic. "Will I get tired of waiting? Because sometimes I do, and – "
"You won't. I'm gonna tell you a story about waiting, Annie, okay? So that you can trust me that it's worth waiting, sometimes."
"Okay," she sighs, and Derek can see that even Lizzie looks curious now.
"Do you remember the day you were born?"
Annabel giggles in between her tears. "I was too little, silly!"
"Well, I was there. I saw you when you were all pink and sleepy and chubby, and as soon as I laid eyes on you and your mommy told me your name, I started crying."
"Cause you were happy to see me?"
"Yes, and because you're Annabel Meredith."
"You like my name?"
"I love your name. And I met the most beautiful, perfect girl named Meredith before you were born. We went on a trip together that same summer when you were in your mommy's belly, and I had just said goodbye to her to come and see you."
"Can I meet her? Is she pretty?"
"She's the most beautiful woman, Annie. And no, you can't meet her, because I don't know where she is. We haven't seen each other since that trip we took together, and I've been waiting for her."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I could have gone around and gotten any other girl, but it wasn't worth it. Because no other girl could be like my Meredith."
"Is she your soulmate?"
"I'd like to think so too, yeah." He chuckles, though his heart is filled with sadness.
"Are you going to Seattle to find her?"
"No, but I still hope I might find her again someday. Tell her about you. She knew you were coming. She told me to give you Lottie, you know?"
"She did?"
Derek hums. "You would have loved her."
Annabel nods, pondering his story and making him feel self-conscious. He knows his sister is glaring at him, but he doesn't care. He won't keep his love for Meredith hidden away because it's inconvenient and wrong to be in love with someone so deeply when you barely knew them. And maybe it was all in his head — most of the time he feels that way — but the smallest part of him that knows their love was genuine is not going to give up.
Something is pulling him towards Seattle, and he'll be damned not to follow his heart this time.
"So I should wait for you like you're waiting for your Meredith?"
"Yeah. Only, you can see me and talk to me whenever you want. It will be a breeze, Annie."
Annabel sighs, still sad, but she snuggles again against him. "Okay. But I don't like it."
"I don't like leaving you either."
"Good," she nodded. "I'm going to give this back to Nana," she adds then, picking up the atlas and leaving.
"God, Derek. Annabel reminds you of Meredith every time you see her?" Lizzie widens her eyes in shock as soon as Annabel is out of earshot.
"She does. In the best of ways."
"Derek, we had no idea. Joel's grandmother was named Meredith and they were so close, we couldn't possibly..."
"I love that she's named Meredith. She kinda sounds like my Meredith too sometimes, and it helps, having her close. It hurts and it helps. I'm glad you named her Meredith."
Lizzie nods, her eyes a little teary too. "You haven't mentioned her in a while before today, Derek. I thought you were getting better."
"I am better. But I won't get over her. I stopped mentioning her because I know what it looks like. It's been eight years, Lizzie. I know I sound desperate. I have to look okay after eight years."
"But you don't feel whole."
"No, I don't. And Richard offered me a one-year contract. If Seattle makes me fall into a deep pit of depression, I'm coming back. I'm trying something new. I can't keep living in this funk forever, Liz."
"I'm one-hundred percent behind you, Derek, but please, don't drop off the face of the earth, okay?"
"I won't," he nods, knowing that this one is a promise he has to keep.
He just hopes he's not making the biggest mistake of his life.
You know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before I saw you.
You know I've dreamed about you;
I've missed you for, for twenty-nine years.
A/N: I guess this is definitely NOT what you expected, uh? I truly hope it's in a good way and not in a I'm-never-reading-your-stories-again kinda way.
On a completely different note, from now on, all the songs I will be using in the titles are from The National. The one in italics at the beginning and the end of this chapter is Slow Show, the soundtrack for this whole story, to be honest. If it wasn't so long, I'd consider this whole thing a songfic, but I'll refrain from doing so. The title for the chapter instead comes from Slipped. Go listen to The National and fall in love like I did!
Also, a special thank you to Kaitie, who stuck with me as my Beta for this. She makes this story ten times better than my original drafts!
Thank you for reading and trusting me with these characters for Part 2! See you on the other side!