Gatsby Crack 4
Setting: Dark knight premiere
Daisy: Omigod omigod omigod. Thanks SOOO much for this Gatsby. I love Heath Ledger. He is so hot
Gatsby: No problemo. I mean, I'm rich after all. With lots of money. Don't ever forget that. Ever.
Nick: Generally, that's what rich means. And Daisy- didn't Heath Ledger die, like, months ago?
Daisy: WHAT??
Nick: Yeah. It was like the only thing anyone talked about.
Daisy: NO!! My life is ruined
Gatsby: You still have me. I am WAY hotter than him and I'm rich.
Nick: He was a movie star…he was rich too.
Gatsby: Well at least I'm alive!
Daisy: Oh no you di'int!
Tom: Gatsby, you dissed a dead person. Horrible things are bound to happen.
Nick: It's the DARK KNIGHT PREMIERE, for God's sake!! I've been waiting for this since December! Nothing bad can happen!!
Daisy: I say Gatsby just leaves. Then nothing bad will happen.
Nick: Agreed.
Tom: Second. Or third. Whatever.
Gatsby(starts to cry): WHAT?? You guys don't love me anymore? Daisy how could you? And Nick you too! I thought we had a very special bond!!
Tom: (nudges Nick) Nice
Nick: Shut up
(Celebrity walks by)
Daisy: Omigod omigod omigod- I think I might have seen that person in some movie!
Tom: Let's go follow him. Her. Whoever. (they leave)
Gatsby (still crying): God they can't wait to get away from me. My life sucks. Except for the being rich part. That's pretty cool. But still.
Nick: Okay, man, I've decided that from now on my life will be devoted to making you less gay. Starting…NOW!
Gatsby: What do you mean?
Nick: Well, for one thing- REAL men don't cry. They settle things the old-fashioned way: with VIOLENCE!
(Suddenly a crash sounds from nearby. Christian Bale has broken through a brick wall, running towards Nick and Gatsby.)
Bale: NO!! Don't say that! Violence is NEVER the answer!
Gatsby: Who the hell are you?
Bale: My name is Bale. Christian Bale.
Gatsby: Not ringing any bells.
Nick: He's Batman, for God's sake!
Gatsby: Ohhh. That guy. In that movie. Which one?
Nick: The one we are seeing TONIGHT.
Bale: Yeah. That Batman. Now, Tim. May I call you Tim?
Gatsby: No.
Nick: Ignore him
Bale: Ok, Tim, so I know your friend told you that you were gay. But really that isn't shown by your violent behavior. Or lack thereof, I mean.
Nick: I know its not. You haven't met him
Bale: Well, anyway- Tim, your special life-partner friend doesn't know what he's talking about. Real men don't use violence. They talk things through calmly and rationally. Like myself.
Gatsby: That's it! I know who you are! You're the guy who was arrested for attacking his mother and si-
Bale (grabs Gatsby's throat): What are you talking about? I never assaulted anyone. That's personal business. It never happened. You just dreamt it up. Right?
Gatsby: Right. Right, of course. (drops to floor)
Nick: What ever happened to solving it calmly and rationally?
Bale: That's okay. I'm a celebrity. My brain capacity can understand concepts far more advanced than your puny normal one.
Nick: That doesn't even make any sense!
Bale (pats head): Exactly. You're completely right.
Nick: Look man. As conceited as you are. And as stupid and as wrong about violence you are. You have an awesome movie so can we just let this go.
Bale: No. By the way what are your names?
Nick: I'm Nick and this is –
Gatsby: I'm Gatsby but you can call my Tim. Or Bob or Yolanda because you're a buff movie star.
Bale: Thanks finally someone who understands me. I knew I liked you, Tim.
Tom (crashes through other brick wal)l: My Buff Senses are tingling! There's someone in the area who's even more ripped than me! I won't stand for it.
Daisy (follows): Whoa! That's Sexy Fine Rich Actor Christian Bale! Will you marry me?
Bale: I'm already married.
Daisy: That doesn't mean no…
Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal enter wearing the same outfit
Maggie: Omigod. That bitch stole my outfit! She is just trying to keep up with me after I stole her part. And she stole the 'ie' in my name too. How dare she!
Bale(to Maggie): Sup babe. Meet my new gay friend Gatsby – I mean Tim – and his life partner, Nick.
Nick: GAH!! I'm not his fucking life partner
Maggie: I need to confront Kat (I'm not pronouncing the part of her name she stole from me) how dare she!
Katie: Hello Christian, Hello Maggie. Nice day isn't it.
Maggie: GOODBYE Robotron Bitch! (storms off)
Tom: What was THAT about? Oh, right- I just remembered I don't care.
Daisy: Whoa! That's Whatsername Gyllenhaal! That means she's related to Jake Gyllenhaal! He's even more Sexy Fine Rich than Christian Bale!
Bale: What was that?
Nick: Whoa Bale don't assault anyone.
Bale: I DIDN'T ASS-
Gatsby: Hey, guys, did you notice that we're the last ones standing outside?
Bale (looks around): Oh yeah. I guess the movie's about to start.
Gatsby: What movie?
Everyone: This movie. The one you bought tickets to go see
Katie: Nice weather. I think I'll go inside now (she leaves)
Daisy: Come on Tom. She knows Tom Cruise. Who is Sexy Crazy Short Rich. Is that good?
Tom: Plus, she shows absolutely no emotion. It's like she has no opinions or thoughts of her own. That is MY kind of woman. Off we go… (They leave)
Gatsby: She DID say she likes the weather!
Tom: What? I'm getting too far away to hear you. My footsteps are REALLY loud…
Gatsby: Enough of this. I want to see Heath Ledger. He's in my favorite movie of all time- Brokeback Mountain.
Nick: AGGGH Gay- I mean, Jay. REAL men don't watch Brokeback Mountain! They watch movies with VIOLENCE. Like The Godfather. And the Matrix. And other countless movies with epic names and such.
Gatsby: WOW you're boring. See you later dude. (leaves)
Bale: God, Nicholas, you just don't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell you. Violence is NEVER the-
Nick: Alright, Batman, say one more hypocritical, preachy thing about violence and I'll knock your teeth in.
Bale: You should never resort to-
Nick: Here we go!
(punches fly)
Fade to black