A/N: Roland and Jay are out on the hunt again. But who this time? This one is for the writers. In response to Writer's Convention by MaceEcam.
Disclaimer: All characters of Kim Possible are own by Disney and Mr. Bob and Mr. Mark( Oh come on. Let me have Shego) All other characters, vagabonds, thugs, geeks, hoodlums, lawyers, carpitbaggers, scalliwaggs and anyone stupid enough to claim Mace are property of their respective authors ( and they know who they are...God I hope so). Me no profit,me have fun. Celebrity cheap shots are fair game in my crosshairs.
Forward: This story is dedicated to all my writer friends in celebration of my one year anniversary . I also at this time would love to dedicate this story to Adeline W. Norman, my mother-in-law, who passed away on September 13. She once told me I was the best thing that her daughter could ever have. Rest in peace.
A Mutual of Saginaw Special
Hello, I'm Roland Gerkins, and welcome to a special edition of Mutual of Saginaw's Wild Suburban.
Of the many adventures we have had on our show, none of them were more action packed than the time me and my partner,Jay Fowlmore, had than the hunt for...MaceEcam ( village idiotest).
We sat up our base camp near the Middleton Lady Maddog's football field. This is where the mating grounds of the MaceEcam were. With us on this hunt are 4 experts on hunting the MaceEcam.
Noted Middleton hero Kim Possible and her boyfriend Ron Stoppable will be with us as well as kiddnapping expert Shego and her partner,noted rock star,writer and Mace behavior expert, Captain IT.
We decided to check out the practice session of the Lady Maddogs while waiting on Mace to show up. It was quite astonishing how these 250 plus pound women move with the speed of Kim ,Ron,and Shego combined.
" Think the future Mrs. Fowlmore may be out there Jay?" I said while Ron,Kim,Shego and IT was snickering.
" I don't think so Roland. Do think I want one of them buffalos rolling in bed with me? And after the butt stomping Shego gave me do I ever want to tangle with another woman right now."
" Hea! Who's the bastard who jab me on the backside with that cattle prod? I'm still feeling that you know."
" Do you want me to kiss it and make it feel better?" smiled a very excited Captain IT.
" Down boy, work first, play later." deadpaned Shego.
"EWWW!" said a disgusted Kim and Ron. " That is so wrong-sick."
"Oh get a life you two." growled Shego.
" Quiet, I heard something." said Jay as he looked over across the field.
And there she stood, dancing in the sunlight. Incredible beauty if there ever was.
Captain IT took a quick look though his field glasses.
" That species is known as the Neo the Saiyan Angel(fish-netted barge-babest). This will unquestionably bring the MaceEcam out into the open."
" Don't you just love it when he talks smart?" smiled Shego.
" Oh for heaven's sake Shego, why don't the both of you get a room." mock Kim.
" Unlike the back seat of your dad's car where you and lover boy there were checking out the shock absorbers last night?" smirk Shego.
For a moment I thought about going back over to camp to get the dart gun to use on the two women when all of a sudden there was a moaning sound coming out of some bushes.
"Look!" said IT. " He's coming out of the sticker bushes."
And there it stood, the most gangly looking creature human eyes had the displeasure of looking upon. His coat was half a black coat on one side and half a white coat on the other. A hat of the same color grace it's undersized cranium. And what is this? Is there a pacman game going on in the front of his pants?
"He looks like a test pattern on my grandma's old television." said Shego.
" We are hunting that?" said Kim in disdain. " I don't even want to get near it with a poking stick."
Even Rufus poke his head out of Ron's pocket,took one look at the creature and barfed.
"Eww, did Rufus barf in you pocket Ron?"
" Yaa, and he is swimming around in it.That's sick and wrong Rufus!"
"Quiet you two." said Shego. "What's that thing doing out there?"
" Captain IT." said Jay. " Your the Mace behavior expert. What in the world is it doing out there near the Neo?"
" I would be turning your head unless you have strong stomachs. It is doing a ( gulp) mating dance."
Yes ladies and gentlemen, watching an animal eat their young was a much more pleasant sight than what our eyes was watching. But suddenly there was another noise coming out of the bushes.
"Holy cream chip beef gravy on toast." said IT. "It's the arch-rival to the MaceEcam...The Samurai Crunchbird( Thad Marsterest)."
Yes ladies and gentlemen, there it stood. Looking like something out of a bad kung-fu movie. It has on a red and white gi with Japanese lettering on it when translated mean University of Nebraska.
The Mace saw the Samurai.The Samurai saw the Mace. Captain IT saw the both of them and knew that the fight was on.
" Watch now everybody as two combatants try to win the affection of the Neo. Somebody get me some popcorn. This should be good."
The Samurai drew out it's weapon of choice: The Sword of the Ancient Mystics or SAM as it like to called it. The Mace then drew out it's weapon of choice too: A bad klunky version of was I believe was called a BE4000. The two them spoke to each other like in the dialogue of a bad Bruce Lee movie.
" So MaceEcam you have come to fight for the right to have the Neo for yourself. Your weapon is no match for the mighty SAM you fool."
" Ha ha ha! What makes you think that old rusty and tarnish pocketknife is any match for my BE4000?"
The two warriors incircled each other as they were preparing to strike.
" You are a fool Samurai.Your even a bigger fool than Kim and Shego. How can two women like that go out with with two incompetent imbeciles in Captain IT and Ron. If they dare go out with them again, then maybe they should dye their hairs blonde to match there intelligence. Or maybe their boyfriends could wear "I'm with stupid" t-shirts pointing to them. You, like them, are not worthy to be with the Neo."
It was like a dark tornadic cloud off the Oklahoma plains that came over the back of the Mace. And there stood the world's most power two females, eyes wide open on fire,teeth gnashing together and is that foam coming out of their mouths?
" Let me tell you something you soon to be neutered orangutan." said Shego with hands blazing.
" It is bad enough your fighting kung-fu cornhusker over their,and it is bad enough to bad mouth the buffoon. Still, it is bad enough that little Mrs. Russet Potato is chasing after my employer, which is kind of cute. BUT!, when you go attacking a wonderful, artistist, caring person like Captain IT, my date, then you knuckle-dragging shaved ape, you have just bought yourself an all expense paid vacation to WUP-ASS CITY!"
Both ladies notice something was trickling down the front of the Mace.
" That better be lemonade leaking down there and your giving your pacman a drink."
The ladies then notice the Neo and the Samurai looking on.
" May I speak to the both you for a moment please?" said Kim.
" Sure" said the both of them.
" Look, I don't have much time because I'm about to lay into Darwin's missing link over there, but I think you two should become a idem. You can do alot worse Neo." said Kim sympathetically.
" Even if you wanted to date " little boy blue" it's your call."
Shego looked at Kim oddly.
" How did you know about Drakken's "measurments" princess?"
" Well Shego, you see, when me and Ron are crawling around the vents in your lairs, Rufus sometimes leads me down the wrong shaft and over to Drakken's bathroom...while he is (Kim shuddered) getting the job done."
" TMI KP! TMI." said Ron, Jay and Captain IT with a discuss look on their faces.
" Oh get over it you guys!" said Shego. " And who's the one who owns the issue of Jiggly magazine under the seat?"
Four hands pointed there fingers at Jay.
" I can't help it. It gets lonely out there on safaris.And you don't look all that good to me Roland."
"Will somebody please go buy me some brain soap and get that image out of my head?" cried Ron.
Shego then looked over to Kim with an evil smile on her face.
"You know Kimmie, Captain IT is alot better kisser than Drakken. Heck, even better than Ron in them Rongo stories everybody has me in with ... yuck!"
" Oh really now. And just what makes you think Captain IT is any better than my Ronshine?" said Kim as she cooed up to her Ron.
" Well princess, He kissed me the other night in his car and well...ZZ Top said it best: He bang bang my shang-a-lang."
Everybody, including Samurai and Neo, looked wided eyed at Captain IT as he turn 20 shades of red and sank behind the seats.
" Oh God, please tell me she did not say that out loud?" wined IT.
While Mace was snickering himself, Shego grab ahold of him with the look of death in her eyes.
" Do you want to know why I was "nice" to him in that story he wrote for you stupid contest? Because he was nice to me. Unlike Drakken who had everything from a nine foot alien attacking me to throwing me in the stocks on that pirate ship. Captain IT treated me like a real person. A REAL PERSON BONEHEAD!"
Captain IT raised up from under his seat to listen.
" Everyone treated me like a dangerous person which makes me one. But not Captain IT. He treats people, no matter what they look like or what their situation is , like your his best friend. Nobody has treated me as nice as him. Not even Drakken, my brothers, or Motor Ed...ewww."
Kim and Ron both had tears running down their eyes as they both hug IT.
" We love you man!" cried the both of them as they blew their noses on his shirt sleeve.
" Plus you pile of dog flem, he did one thing no boyfriend or date ever did for me... he sang to me. Big deal what other writers on here say or dates that I have been on or even what Dr. Do Nothing has ever gave me or done. But none of them have ever sang to me...well except maybe Stevey... but he sounds like a castrated moose. Captain IT made me want to be a real person again. And yes you three nut clusters short in your candy sank, I'm evil, but I'm a person too."
Jay stood there crying.
" I wanted to be just like Captain IT at one time, I wanted to play guitar and get the girls. But all my folks ever gave me was a wolverine and a cattle prod to poke him with. And look at me now."
We all looked wide eyed at Jay as we took about ten steps back from him.
" Anyway Mace, do you know what I really met by "never again"when you came by the lair the other day? I met never again will I'll go out with IT while your out there destroying his car. I was in the front seat with him doing some tongue wrestling when you decided to throw a beer keg though the windshield. I should have had you pay for my hospital bill too."
Mace just looked at her in fear. Then he made the mistake of opening his mouth.
"Oh was that you in the car next to IT? I though it was one of them leaky, mail-order blow-up doll in there with him."
The look on Shego's face would have made Hannibal Lecter turn white with fear. Her hand glowed the brightest green ever as she held it next to the "intersection"of manhood and family jewels. Even the pacman jump off his pants and went running off screaming.
" FIRE IN THE HOLE!" said Shego as beating have now begun.
While the Mace is getting a new one burned into him, we will take this time for a commercal break.
" SHEGO IS GIVING ME AN ASS-BEATING AND YOU WANT TO DO A COMMERCAL? AWWW!"
Do you have life insurance? Me and Jay does. And now Mutual of Saginaw is proud to introduce it's new Accident Forgiveness Insurance Plan.
"You called me some cheap blow-up doll? Well blow this up instead"
"OHHHHHH! THAT HOTTTT!"
And here to tell you about our new insurance plan is policy owner Ron Stoppable.
" Roland, I bought this new Accident Forgiveness Insurance Plan on Kim after one of her last "kitchen" episodes."
"Ron, I was only warming up leftovers in the microwave."
"Yes KP, but most people would take the foil off the top first BEFORE putting it in the microwave. The Middleton Fire Department banned you from going into any kitchen in the city limits."
"Oh ya Ron? Well let me show you what you can do with that insurance plan. Jay, lend me that cattle prod."
Kim grab the cattle prod and went up to the not so sunny side of the Mace.
" NO NO NO, NOT THE CATTLE PROD, WAAAAAAA!"
So remember ladies and gentlemen, don't wait till an accident happens to you before you get insurance, unlike the Mace here.
" OH VERY FUNNY ROLAND AWWWW! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN BEND THAT JOINT THAT WAY!"
Call your Mutual of Saginaw's agent today. Now let see how the Mace is fairing with our two beautiful cohost.
We found the Mace laying on the ground looking like Beetle Bailey after Sgt.Snorkel beat the crap out him. And I guess I don't need to tell you what was sticking out of his back side.
Captain IT then walked up to the remains of the Mace.
" How are you feeling Mace?"
" You can't believe the pain I'm in IT."
" Well I have someone here that will make you feel all better...well me anyway."
And out of the bushes came this ragged looking hobo of a clown bouncing in.
" Look everybody, it's Schmucky the Clown ( clownest stupidest)."
Everybody was laughing and clapping as the Mace looked up at the clown with tears in his eyes.
" CAPTAIN IT, YOU NO GOOD ROTTEN MU AWWWWWW!"
" Opps! was that the on button to the cattle prod?" said Shego in a cute little girl's voice.
" Ouga booga booga everybody. And today boys and girls I bought a very special friend with me today. It is everybody's favorite purple dinosaur."
" I love you, you love me, I took a leak on Mace because I had to go pee."
( A/N: Half way acoss the country a young Air Force lady dressed in blue is screaming her head off at this)
"Do you know what today is boys and girl? It's MaceEcam day. Jay would like to help show the boys and girls out there how we celebrate MaceEcam day?"
" Really Schmucky, can I huh can I?", said Jay he was jumping up and down clapping his hands.
As everybody was looking weird at Jay, Captain IT then spoke to me.
" Just how many times has Jay had that cattle prod jam up him?" he asked.
" Come with me Jay." said Schmucky. " I need you to help hold this pie pan for me."
Jay followed Schmucky and the dinosaur over near what was left of the Mace. Schmucky then had Jay and the dinosaur hold the pie pan as he uncovered it.
" Wow Schmucky, you know this looks alot like..."
"PEACH FRIED PIE!", yelled Schmucky and he ran for his life.
Then came the sound like a buffalo stampede as 32 members of the Lady Maddog's football team came running over in their cleats to Jay, the dinosaur, and Mace in a ferocious attack of the said desert.
" Somebody please turn the camaras around because you do not want to see this." said Captain IT.
After they was loading Jay and dinosaur into a ambulance, I started to pack up the gear for the day. Kim was talking to Neo and Samurai and gave them something that look like money.
" Here's a 10.00 bill. You two go get yourself a pepperoni and mushroom pizza and go enjoy yourselves in that spot under the bleachers where me and Ron play a little "rockets are go" now and then."
" Awww Kim, you didn't need to tell them that." wined Ron as he sank behind the seats next to Captain IT.
" Welcome to the club Ron." said Captain IT.
" Excuse me for a few minutes." said Kim as she turn back to Ron pounding her fist.
" Ron , we are going to have a talk about the policy you took out on me as soon as I show spud girl here my recipe for cream of potato soup.WITHOUT THE KITCHEN!"
Shego comfortably lean her head onto Captain IT's shoulder.
" Do you think Kim will catch him IT?"
" I don't know Shego, he did break the all time rushing record in high school. Come on, I'll buy you dinner at Chez LaBeef tonight and maybe sing you a love ballad on my guitar."
Both of them shared a small kiss as they watch Kim chasing Ron with the cattle prod.
" Why don't you ever take me to a fancy restaurant or sing to me you cheap skate? All you know how to sing is that stupid,boring, mole rat song."
A rain storm started to appear as everyone departed to their detination. The quivering blob that once was the Mace was slowly trying to make it's way out of the storm when another shadow appeared. Lighting criss-cross the sky as her pupiless eyes glowed a bright yellow. A flicking of ashes from her burlap cigar fell on Mace as she point her weapon at him.
"So you like to secret borrow my BE4000 do you? WELL SECRET BORROW THIS!"
A nice grape smell filled the air as all that was left of the Mace was a pile of ashes and two eyeballs sticking out above the pile. The remains were then swept up and put in a hole at the Middleton Animal Cemetery. The Mace has just been attack by one of the most feared, ferocious mammal that walks on two legs. It is known in the scientific world as a feminine tazmanian she-devilest.
Over in Japan, two prominent figures of the Yamanouchi school just happen to seen the special on tv.
" That was rather a..err. interesting program Sensei." said a puzzled Yori.
" That is true Yori, but this reminds me of a old japanese proverb."
" What is that Sensei?"
" Man who scatches ass should not chew on his fingernails."
" I will remember that Sensei."
--
Hi, this is Roland Gerkins.Stay tune to Flame the Captain. The show where you the reader get to sent in your reveiws. Coming up next on your local FF. stations. This is Roland Gerkins for Captain IT saying we thank you for your support.