(Authoress' Note): Hello there. It may have seemed as if I was dead. However, I'm happy to inform you that I was only suffering from a severe case of Writer's Block and a mild case of Too Freaking Busy To Write Anything. Luckily, both of these things can be cured with a two week cycle of Boredom and a strong dose of Fuck My Homework, I've Got Better Things To Do. Unfortunately, that last one there has a few pesky side effects such as Big Fat Failure and If You Don't Stop Slacking Off You're Never Going To Be A Brain Surgeon. But, I'll take my chances.
This one is a little different than my others, but it's 2:00 in the morning and it just kind of popped into my head so I had to write it.
Enjoy…
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything but the story
WARNINGS: References to cutting
/Cut/
It's an addiction. It's like smoking or drinking or drugs. You tell yourself you can stop anytime you want, but you know deep down that if there ever really came a point when you wanted to quit, you couldn't do it. It's a habit that you just can't drop, like Yuki and his cigarettes. It has been engraved into your mind and your life and the proof is written in hundreds of tiny scars across your arms and legs.
It's and addiction. It's like smoking or drinking or drugs and you know no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to stop.
You don't do it because you want to die. You have good friends and a great career and someone to love. You don't want to give that up. You don't want to leave behind your friends and family and fans that care so much for you. Hurting them like that is the last thing you want. But sometimes it all just gets to you. People always want so much from you. They don't seem to understand that you are a real person under your perfect smile and perfect attitude and perfect songs. They don't understand that you need a break sometimes. They don't understand that you need to be allowed to have at least one flaw.
You don't do it because you want to die. You do it because you are allowed to have at least one flaw and unlike smoking or drinking or drugs, you can hide this one under carefully placed articles of clothing and barely noticeable makeup.
No one would understand if they found out. Hiro would be outraged and then upset, claiming he should have known sooner, he should have done something sooner. It didn't matter that you had worked hard to make sure no one found out because damnit, you're my best friend and I should have known! Ryuichi might cry, clutching Kumagoro tightly to his chest and begging to know why? Tohma might threaten your career and K might threaten your life, but you mostly just care about what Eiri would think. Would he be angry? Would he be upset? Would he even care? You don't know the answer to that question and that's part of the reason you do this. You never know what he is thinking because he never lets you in. He keeps you at a distance, making sure you never get to close by insulting you and shutting you out and being cold and detached.
No one would understand if they found out, so you must keep it a secret. You must continue to hide behind happy bubblegum-pink hair and upbeat pop songs and a carefree attitude.
You have to continue to feed this addiction you have created for yourself. You don't do this because you are suicidal. The almost non existent pink lines from past fixes are proof of that. They are never too deep or too long. You only do this to prove to yourself that you don't have to be perfect. Let everyone else believe you are the happiest brat in the world. They can't see the evidence of your addiction. They don't know it is there. But you do. You can feel your clothes rubbing against tender skin as you move, and you can feel the slightly raised ridges beneath your fingertips, and you can see the little paths of your razor when you are in your room alone. But no one else has to know because you are mostly happy. You just have a little addiction. You just need to prove that you don't have to be perfect and happy and carefree all the time, even if it's only too yourself. Maybe one day you will get help or grow out of it or decide that you don't need it anymore, but until then you will continue to mark your body with the evidence of the stress that comes from choosing to be a rockstar and choosing to love possibly the coldest, most unaffectionate man in the world.
You have to continue to feed this addiction that you have created for yourself, so you cut.
/
(Authoress' Note): I hope I didn't do too awfully bad. This is the first story I've written in second person POV. I'm normally not into writing stories about feelings and what's going on in someone's head and whatnot but I figured I'd give it a shot. Like I said, it's 2 in the morning. I don't really know what I'm doing right now. Please let me know how I did.
- Any review is good! I don't mind flames. They will amuse me. I'm a major pyromaniac.-