Journal entry number one

So this is my first time keeping a journal and my mom thought it would be a good idea to let out my inner thoughts. This journal is probably just going to become a dream journal or a place where I put all my favorite poems and quotes to remember. School just ended for me and I'm on the way to a new one. I hate that we had to move all the way across the country but at least it gives me some time off. I don't think I'll be meeting any new people any time soon I guess but I don't really care. Everything should go great and I'm sort of excited to see our new house. My mom or Shirley says that the house should be ready to move into by the time we get there. It's supposed to be this really old house with a lot of history behind it. Right now I'm writing in our car, we just passed the Texas boarder so "Bye home!"

I used to have a journal actually in 2nd grade. It was my therapy journal. After my mom and dad broke up I became really distraught so to speak. Looking back I don't understand why so much, I guess everyone feels that way about their past once in a while. I try not to remember it but it was hard at the old house. I guess I had a thing for hiding things or something but every once in a while I would come across a journal entry I had written. Most of them we're really bad or don't right hilarious from how bad I wrote them… But there was that one. I guess it was the last one I wrote since the grammar was much better or I had gotten help. Usually when I'm writing I go and look back over my work then write down something final that sums it and/or gives an ending to it, something like that. When I read that entry all I could do was cry and hug the paper to my chest. I guess I have a tendency to do that; rip my own heart out. Just thinking about it now makes me tear up and my heart ache a little. I think I'll stop here for a bit and come back later when I don't feel like my heart is going to break again for my past self.

We just left a gas station in Georgia and are back on the road! I was reading my poetry book. It's filled to the brim with dark stuff and that consist of mostly Edgar Allen Poe who is the king of grim dark. I love grim dark but I usually tend to avoid anything with gore in it. My mom sort of thinks its weird since I read so much grim dark poetry and books but I tend to avoid gore. The thing is I can picture things very well in my mind and the stuff I tend to read gives a good description of the surroundings and such. So when I read something that has gore in it my mind will start to picture it in my head and I just can't stomach it. Gore, intestines, and things like that I hate; bones are okay though. I actually plan on dressing up as a skeleton bride for Halloween and dying my hair bone white or ghostly blue. Although I sort of wish I knew someone to go with me but sadly no. I don't think any guy would Okay I'm stopping myself there, I am NOT going there.

You probably think I have issues. Well considering you're a blue backed leather book probably not but still if you could think you would probably. Well let me get this straight my blue backed friend; we all have issues in our own way. Be it issues we are born with or develop over the years. I USED to have 'issues'; self-esteem, guy problems, and hell I went to therapy for two years but that's beside the point. I did but you want to know what happened, I overcame them. I'm done dealing with guys and the stupid popular chicks, I'm done trying to act like someone I'm not, and I'm done trying to fit in because anywhere you go. No matter what you do. You will never be able to fit in. I am myself and that's all there is to it.

I still want to date, but date a guy who understands and likes me for who I am. Huh don't we all.

Well we arrived at the new house about two hours ago and I've worn out everything to do but write in this journal so here I am. They said the house would be ready by the time we got here but of course they lied. My mom is pissed! She's yelling at everyone now and I am not going to be the one to calm her down. Dad could always calm her done but he's in China hooking up with some other lady, who is probably going to be my new step mom or something. So since they aren't ready yet and apparently won't be done till my freshmen year is over we have to find a new place. Dad helped work out a place for us to stay if the house wasn't done so once mom calms down we're going. I'll write in this tomorrow about my first day.

Journal entry number 2

So first day was good I guess besides from barely having a clue what was going on. I feel like I was gone for a week, just came back and missed basically EVERYTHING. It's annoying as hell but I didn't have any homework tonight so that gives me time to write. I got a lot of stares from people and told half of them to just take a picture. One of them did actually then ran off. I have a new locker and it's just screaming at me to do something to it. Maybe I'll put up one of my favorite quotes or something like that. I'd bet anyone not even half the kids in my English class would get the reference.

We had tacos tonight, usually I'm not a fan of tacos or Mexican food for that matter but these were soooo goood~ I'll have to ask for them again sometime. Oh and I want to write this down before I forget. In my English class there was this one kid, he was pretty cute I guess but that's beside the point, the way he looked at me. I don't know it was the way everyone else looked at me I guess but I just felt like blushing. Grrrr what's wrong with me; why am I getting all gushy over a guy? This has only happened once before and it ended badly. VERY BADLY.

Hi blue back, it's like one in the morning and I had a dream that has sort of freaked me out. At my last school I read all about dreams and at one point it was my fascination. All that knowledge has paid off I guess because I'm pretty sure I know what this dream meant.

I was standing a top a hilltop. Below me was a sea of grass. It looked so smooth but when I touched it, it felt sticky and scratched my fingers. Out of the grass came a snake. It was black and didn't seem bothered by the grass. I felt joy towards it and let it sliver into my hands. I brought it up to look me in the eye, it head held high. I blushed.

That was my dream. Freaky, huh? Snakes in dreams show fear and how you and the snake interact in the dream shows if you'll face your fear and succeed or fail. In my dream the snake and I got along well so I will face my fear and succeed. Although the part at the end, with me blushing. I felt the same way I had with that one boy so maybe he was the snake. I think I'll succeed but… I don't think I'll plan on talking to him any time soon. I can't be sure, right?

Dream entry number 6

I was a top the grassy hill again except this time I walked through the grass and barely touched it. As I walked I heard someone called my name. I turned and saw a flash. My vision clouded and I fell. Once my vision cleared I saw I was face-to-face with the same black snake. It coiled and brought its head up as if to strike but instead it grew. I couldn't tell into what but I felt it's smooth scaly hand grab mine. It pulled me up and then I heard it scream at a whisper "Freaky Bitch."

Journal entry number 15

Oh my Gog I can't believe what I did today. That dream last night must have got to me because I apparently made a shirt with 'Freaky Bitch' on it and then wore it to school. I don't even remember doing any of it. Writing down the dream or making the shirt. I could peace together what I did by the scene in front of my bed when I woke up but AHHHHHHH! I hate it when I sleep walk. My mom used to as a kid so only naturally for me to sometimes as well. I told my mom why I did it and she wasn't mad, she seemed very happy for what I did. I didn't care what those stupid kids thought and I don't. Call me freaky bitch all you want cause stuff like that doesn't affect me anymore.

I've been sort of wondering who took the freaky bitch thing down but I do have a pretty good guess.

Journal entry number thirty-three

I'm so nervous about school today, it's Valentines Day and I'm really not looking forward to it. Geeze I think I'm really falling for this stupid guy. At the same time I hate it and love it. I think he really likes me as well but I don't know. I really can't tell; I think he only thinks of me as a friend but I have an idea. Maybe if I ask him to the dance at the end of the year he might think of me differently, I don't know though. I don't plan on doing anything for Valentines Day though; the giving out chocolate candy and 'Be My Valentine' cards just seems cliché to me. I'm going to just tell him not to worry about it.

Journal entry number forty

I've been putting a lot into my dream journal lately and not much into my real journal so here I am. I had a nightmare last night and just had to talk about it here. It was probably the worst I've had ever I guess and the scary thing is I have no idea what it means.

Lights were flashing as fast as a racing heart. I was running though what felt like water. My lungs were burning and desperately needed air. I screamed for someone or for air I can't remember. Air came easily into my lungs though but my lungs still hurt. I can feel my snake beside me but he just watches then cuts a hole with his teeth deep into my heart. I don't notice because now there is a cricket on my shoulder. I stop and feel the blade grass on my legs. The cricket starts chirping really fast and then it stops suddenly. I hear myself say, "Take a picture it will last longer." The cricket takes a picture then its gone. I blush for no apparent reason then say "Yeah a joke, hahaha."

I woke up crying. The dream was so confusing and I still don't understand. It's just random stuff thrown at me it feels like to get a reaction out of me. My mom said she used to have dreams where she felt the same way but then later on they made sense. I just don't want to think about it. All I get from the dream nightmare is death after death. I really want to start crying again but my head hurts. I'm going to take a nap to try and clear my head.

Dream entry number 55

I'm wrapped up in his arms. It's warm and I'm happy. I smile and so does my snake boy. "I love you snake boy." He kisses my forehead and then everything is peaceful.

Journal entry number forty-one

I know what some of the dream means now. He thought me asking him to the dance was a joke. HE THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE! At first I was so sad but now I'm pissed. I just want to slap him. I can't believe him! First he says "He just can't talk to girls" right in front of me like I wasn't a girl and then this!

I did forgive him for that 'can't talk to girls' thing but I'm still angry with him. I've been reading a lot lately and that always calms me. I really want a raven now as a pet or an armadillo; they're so cute.

Journal entry number forty-two

I know what the other parts of my dream means now too. That kid Mouth tried to hang himself. He was the cricket, he was the kid who took the picture of me the first day I was here, and I think I was him in the dream; 'lungs burning', 'taking in air but my lungs still hurting' it all sort of corresponds with hanging. Your trying to take in air but it just ends up burning your lungs cause you can't let it out. I feel so bad for him and I think Scott thought it was me. It was kind of sweet how he came running to see if I was ok in a morbid sense. I don't think I'll be able to write much more except for my dreams beyond this point. Homework can pile up when you aren't looking.

Dream entry number 56

I'm spinning, the world is spinning and Scott is standing still. He takes my hand and starts spinning with me. I stop the spinning and then we drink red.

Journal entry number forty-four

This is really exciting. Like REALLY EXICTING. I'm going on a date with Scott, he asked me to the dance and made it very clear we were going. I took out all my piercings and my hair is now a pretty black. I'm relaxing in my room, we still haven't moved into the 'new' house but I like this place. It's comfy and closer to school than the other house. I have a feeling everything is going to go great and we are going to drink red punch. This is my final entry this year in you blue back. It's been fun but now to start in my other book. This one is a yellow with a pretty black Gemini symbol on it. I'm also going to have a separate journal from that which is purple with a Capricorn in white on it. Goodbye blue back and goodbye highschool.