"You don´t want to understand it, do you? We are talking about Red John, the killer of my family! I thought you´d realized that there is only one way for this to end."
I raised my arms in an attempt to conciliate him.
"Jane, listen to me…" But he cut me off.
"Listen to you? Why the hell should I do that? This isn´t about you, it never was."
A sharp pain stung me in the stomach as a reaction to his words, but I tried my best to keep a straight face.
"You forget one thing, Jane. You built a new life with new people, including myself. So this isn´t just about you anymore, because if you want to throw away your life, that´s one thing. But as soon as your stupid plans start affecting me and the team, this is about me, too."

He stared at me, pierced me with his gaze, while he shook his head lightly as if I was a silly little girl that just didn´t get it.
But I really did get it this time. I was so tired of this topic and so I decided that this would end tonight.

Inside of me, my feelings were raging, but I locked them down. "I think it´s better, if you leave now." I said while trying to get control over my voice. "Lisbon, I…" He tried to change my mind, but I just shook my head and pushed him gently but determined in the direction of my door. The next I knew, he stood outside. I slammed the door and leaned against it.

My feelings were overwhelming, and their weight ripped me off my feet. I slipped down on the even wooden planking and just sat down on the floor. It felt like someone had ripped out a piece of me and the only thing left was emptiness.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

Behind my back, I heard Jane hammering against the door. "Lisbon! Teresa! Please open the door.", but I didn´t move.

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Finally, I had realize that I couldn´t win this battle. The opposing power was just so strong; I never had a real chance in changing Jane´s mind. Although I knew – possibly since the beginning – that his vengeance was bigger than anything I could ever mean to him, I let him fool me.
I believed him when he told me, that he cared about me. About us.
I believed that, someday, we could be happy together. I thought I would be there for him and he would be there for me. But the reality was a complete different one.
Patrick Jane would never be able to be there for someone, besides himself.
He still loved his family more than anything else and next to them would never be enough space for anyone else. From the love he was capable of, there would never be enough left over for me. There simply couldn´t be.
And in this moment I had to admit to myself, that he could never give me what I wanted, what I needed and what I deserved, although I was so madly in love with him.
The pain that came with this realization obscured my thoughts and turned my thoughts into a blurry mess. I should´ve noticed earlier, so why didn´t I?

Well I´d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you´d want the same for me

But I knew the answer all along. It had been easier for me. It broke me every time I had to see him suffer and I had told myself over and over again, that one day all of this would end. And, at some point, I had actually started to believe in that. But the truth was that this would never end.
At least not the way I wanted it to.
Someday Jane would face Red John, the murderer of his family. And only one of them will make it out alive. That is a fact, as I now finally realized.
It was too late. The damage to my heart was already done.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I´m trying not to think about you
Can´t you just let me be
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should´ve known you´d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

It seemed like Jane was suddenly a complete stranger, to me. He was the man on the other side of the door, nothing more. I didn´t have anything in common with that man. He was like a shadow of someone that I once knew and loved.

And in that moment, the first tears found their ways across my cheeks. They followed each other down my face and left hot traces on my skin. I dropped my head onto my knees and let them.

Eventually, I had to have fallen asleep, because the next morning I woke up, sitting at the exact same place, leaned against the door. I could still feel the traces of my tears, as if they had just dried up a second ago.
I felt cold, but it didn´t matter.
I felt vulnerable and naked, but it didn´t matter.
Because in that night, I lost my faith in Jane. And in order to never get hurt again, I built up a wall around my heart, with the intention of not ever letting anyone in again.

That is all that will ever matter.