I don't know what to say, I have problems. I've been doing a lot of writing recently, not a whole lot of posting, I thought I'd share this.
Title from 'Inner Demons' by Julia Brennan.
Warning: Contains descriptions of suicidal intentions, mentions of past suicide attempts, minor character death.
The night is cool and calm and the hour late enough for most of the city to be sleeping. His feet are dangling freely, but his hands grip the ledge with enough force to make his fingers numb.
Sometimes, Magnus woke up to his mother's voice calling his old name, and his stepfather's cold, horrified eyes. He would smell dirt and hay and that bread mama used to bake every Sunday morning. Ragnor would be there, occasionally. Usually somewhere in the background, complaining about 'unimaginative dreams'.
Even the cracking of flames and smell of burning flesh couldn't dissuade Magnus from keeping his eyes closed for just a bit longer.
But then Alexander would be there, running a calloused hand down Magnus's arm, and it was always enough to rouse him from the illusion. He would get lost in Alec, until he could find his own way back.
He leans over carefully, looks at the water down below, so far away. How long would it take to hit the surface?
He used to live in an odd state of despair and numbness, going through life each day at a time, never really sure when he'd finally exhaust all that fire burning in his veins and just-
Just let go.
It had been a matter of when, instead of if. That's what he had truly believed for the longest time. And then someone came along and showed him he could still dream, and hope and live. It had been liberating, somehow. It wasn't that he was living for Alec, but that Alec had taught him to live for himself. And he wanted it, wanted to live.
Until he didn't.
He imagines it would hurt. The water is probably freezing, he wouldn't last minutes. That is assuming the drop didn't kill him.
Lilith, what is he thinking? He hasn't let his mind wonder to these dark places in decades. Not since that night on the bridge, and Camille…
There's blood on his hands. Dry and flaky, on his fingers and under perfectly polished nails, coating the blue with red. He makes sure to lean back from the edge before loosening his iron grip and bringing numb fingers to his face. The angry, red sparks don't hurt him as Magnus runs his hands over his face, probably further smudging his already ruined make up.
It would be easy, just lean over, push off with his hands. Where did not jumping get him? Well, it did get him Alexander. Magnus's heart sinks, Alec.
I'm sorry, Alexander.
But it also brought him pain and heartbreak. Loss.
The two people in this world who knew him better than anybody, gone. Because of him, because he wasn't strong enough, good enough. Because he got involved. Would they still be dead if he'd jumped all those years ago?
Sometimes, Magnus got depressed. Not the 'I'm having a bad day' kind of depressed. The overwhelming, crippling kind that crept up and whispered the most awful things. He could hardly see a licenced therapist about issues with immortality or the things he had done before he knew better. And really, how long could one live before it got too much? Forever was too long to carry so much baggage. Surely it was alright to die once you'd already lived more than four lifetimes, wasn't it?
He summons magic to clean the blood, suddenly not managing to bear the sight. Drained and anxious, the magic doesn't respond, instead flames start sparking around his hands, it wants to lash out, to destroy. But it's too late. Giving up, Magnus grabs the ledge again and leans over, hair falling over his face, swaying in the wind. If he just lets go now-
Magnus squeezes his eyes shut until colors start dancing across his eyelids, until the water below is replaced by Caterina's lifeless body, her empty eyes as he tried to summon every ounce of magic in his body to heal hers, even if he had togiveitallevenifitkilledhim. But it had been too late.
His eyes flashed yellow. "You." He stared at the circle members, felt blue magic turn to flames, licking but not burning his own arms. The ground shook under his feet and the windows started cracking.
And Magnus saw everyone, even friends, step back as the light bulbs exploded overhead.
He's not sure what happened next, just remembers the fear in Alec's voice as he called Magnus's name. Of him? For him? He didn't stick around long enough to find out.
Magnus's breaths are shaky and short as he forces air into his lungs. His eyes snap open, the water appears cozy, almost inviting him in.
But Magnus didn't come here to die, it was the possibility of being able to do it, to end the despair that had pulled him in. That and the water, preventing him from being tracked. And yet, now he's unsure.
Magnus is a monster, all he brings is death. Even tonight, he doesn't know what he's done, only that he didn't harm Alexander. But the others? What about Isabelle and Jace, Clary and the other Shadowhunters? Alec's people. Did he hurt them? Did he kill anyone innocent today in his grief?
He's afraid of himself. Of what he can do to others. Of what he might do to himself.
Sometimes, Magnus makes good decisions. He leans back from the edge long enough to find his phone, turned off to avoid being found the mundane way. The moment he turns the device on, Magnus's phone is assaulted by what must be hundreds of missed calls and text messages. Clary, Luke, Simon, Raphael, Alec... How long has he been gone?
Alexander's name flashes on the screen before Magnus can make the call himself. He tries to take a breath.
"Alec?"
"Magnus! Thank the Angel." Magnus can hear Alec's sigh of relief. "Are you okay? Where are you?"
He closes his eyes against a breeze. If only it could make the decision for him, and blow him away.
"Magnus? Can you hear me?" Alec's voice is filled with panic, it's enough to snap Magnus back to the conversation.
"I'm not hurt." He murmurs.
Alec seems to pause, when he speaks again his voice is unbelievably gentle. "That's good. Can you tell me where you are?"
"Yeah." He clears his throat. Makes the decision. "The bridge. I'm on the Brooklyn Bridge."
If Alec is affected he doesn't show it. "I'm coming to you." He hesitates, or maybe he's activating a rune? "Stay where you are, okay?"
There's depth to the question that neither of them are willing to face. Don't do it, by the Angel, don't do anything until I get there.
Magnus hums. It's not an answer, exactly.
There's the sound of a door slamming and hushed voices. "Magnus? Are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I'll be right there. Can you stay on the phone with me?" Alec seems to be carefully picking his words, but there's also a sense of urgency.
Magnus wonders what he's thinking, if he knows. Did Simon say anything? Or maybe Raphael? For all his stoic front, the vampire never did know how to stay to his own business. At least not when it came to Magnus. "Okay."
Magnus is bent forward, leaning over the edge again when he hears Alec's voice behind him.
"Magnus?" It's quiet and hesitant, but enough to startle Magnus, making him flinch and almost lose his grip and his magic comes to life once again.
"Easy, it's just me." Alec sounds panicked.
Of him or for him? Of him or for him?
Magnus relaxes, forces the magic down. "Did I hurt anyone?" His voice cracks.
"No." Alec takes a step closer. "No one who didn't deserve it."
Magnus nods, stares at the water.
"What are you doing out there?" Alec asks with unnatural easiness.
"I don't know." Magnus answers honestly.
There's silence as Alec seems to hesitate. "Well, can I join you?"
"Please." It's meant to be permission, but comes out as a plea instead. Magnus imagines Alec frown with concern before he climbs over the railing and sits down beside Magnus on the support beam, their shoulders almost touching, but not quite.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm not hurt." Magnus repeats.
"That's not what I asked." Alec says quietly.
"I'm afraid I'm going to do something that can't be undone." Magnus admits.
"Okay. Okay." Alec leans closer. "Can you please lean back from the edge?"
But he can't, he can't. Doesn't Alec understand?
"I'm right here, okay? I- I'm not going anywhere. Let me help you." There's an edge to Alec's voice. "Please, Magnus. I love you."
The admission, though not new, melts some of the ice that's gathered around Magnus's heart. He takes one last longing look at the water and leans back, away from a mistake. He looks up at the sky instead, and then at Alexander. When their eyes meet, Magnus is startled by fear swimming in Alec's red, watery eyes.
"Alexander." He breathes. Magnus is not sure who makes the first move, but the next thing he knows, he's in Alec's arms, clinging with all his might. "Cat. Oh God, Cat." He cries, voice muffled by Alec's shoulder. And suddenly it's okay to break down, because he knows Alec won't let him fall. He'll get lost in Alexander, until he can find his own way back.
When Magnus is calm enough to pull away, Alec's arms stay protectively around his waist. "Can we go home?" Alec asks searching Magnus's eyes.
He only thinks for a moment before nodding. "I'd like that."
…
Everything that happens next is a bit of a blur, one that Magnus feels oddly detached from. They portal back to the loft and then he stares at the wall pointedly, while Alec washes Magnus's best friend's blood off his hands. After, Alec holds him for another hour while he breaks down, magic soaring freely, but not once touching Alexander, and Alec tucks him into bed. It's when Magnus finds himself alone once again that all the terrible thoughts start swirling in Magnus's head once again.
Magnus knows Alec is just outside the door, cleaning the mess his magic left behind, can hear him moving around the loft. He considers calling out, decides against it. He's caused enough panic for one day.
Instead, he thinks about Catarina, her kind eyes, unbelievable patience. Her foolish desire to heal mundanes, which Magnus has always teased, but secretly admired.
It's only when he hears Alec worriedly call his name that Magnus realizes the lights in his bedroom are flickering.
"I'm alright." Magnus says, slowly sitting up, as he brings his magic back in check.
Alec frowns, not at all assured.
"Really, I'm feeling much better now." Magnus stresses.
But Alec shakes his head. "You scared the crap out of me today, you know? Not because I was afraid of you!" He rushes when he sees Magnus freeze. "I couldn't find you, and then when you told me you were on top of a bridge-" He chokes off.
"Oh, Alexander," Magnus takes Alec's trembling hand. "I'm so sorry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, in any way."
Alec nods, but Magnus can see a question brewing in his eyes. "Did you- I mean were you really- What happened?"
Magnus sighs tiredly, this is not a conversation he feels up to tonight, but he can see it in Alexander's eyes, he needs to hear this. And perhaps Magnus needs to talk about it as well.
"I don't know why I went there. I just wanted to gather my thoughts." Magnus begins, but the next words evade him. How can he possibly explain this when he barely understands himself?
Alec's shoulders are tense and he's holding onto Magnus's hands just a little tighter than necessary. "Was that the only reason?"
Magnus shakes his head. "No." He admits sadly. Pauses. "Do you remember that spell at Max's rune ceremony?"
Alec's eyes widen. He nods quickly.
"When you were standing on that rooftop, how did that feel?" Magnus asks carefully.
Alec seems to gape. "I- I don't really-"
Magnus steals himself to be debunked, when suddenly Alexander freezes, staring at Magnus's eyes as if he's found something he can't quite wrap his head around.
Alec's eyes soften considerably. "Like I deserved it, and everyone would eventually be better off without me… Like I was about to set myself free."
Magnus winces. He hates that Alexander's ever felt that way, spell or not.
Suddenly he can no longer bear to look at Alec's eyes. "I kind of felt that way tonight."
Alec breathes in sharply and his hands move around Magnus's shoulders as if he could shield him from the world. Magnus appreciates the thought.
"You- you're amazing and selfless, you always help those in need, no matter what their species. The world is better because of you."
Magnus can only shake his head. "All those who died because of me…"
"And what about those who lived? I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for you. And Luke and I'm guessing Raphael. Madzie and- and Angel knows who else… Magnus, look at me. Please."
He does. The fierce determination in Alec's eyes is almost enough to make Magnus believe him. Or maybe it is enough?
Only Alec could look at a half-demon, who mere hours ago unleashed all his power, and see someone worth saving. Not just that, someone good. "The world is better because of you too." Magnus whispers.
For a second a small smile flashes across Alexander's face, before his expression once again turns somber and his shoulders sag. "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you. I can't do this without you, Magnus."
And Magnus believes him.
He still has no idea how he's going to go on without Cat, how he's ever supposed to make sense of these two losses, so close together. But with Alec here, looking at him like that, he can't imagine ever letting go.
"You won't have to." Magnus promises.
"Good." Alec leans closer to Magnus, bringing their foreheads together softly.
"Tell me if things ever get that bad again?" He quotes Magnus's words from all those months ago.
Magnus nuzzles closer into Alec, feeling soothed by the warmth. "I will. I promise."
Sometimes, Magnus wakes up wrapped around a shadowhunter, and he feels free.
This is the second time I've killed off Catarina, it's becoming quite a problem. Anyway, if you liked it, let me know.