I don't know why, but I like the idea of Hao cross-dressing, because he's my definition of hot for a male, and he'd look gorgeous as a female (I mean, have you seen the fanart?) so I decided to write this. I haven't seen such fanfics before and after writing part of this I understood why – it's weird, admittedly, to write Hao as a female.
Anyway, here's what's different from the manga. Hao is a very bored Shaman King who has gained a strange sense of humour (though he already has a strange sense of humour), Yoh and Anna are loving parents, Hana is hot-tempered and highly curious about his favourite (oh wait, his only) uncle, and I guess that's pretty much all. Hao doesn't like his nephew, but he probably likes the fact that Hana wants to help...mostly because Hao would be the reason why Hana would be traumatized for life.
So in advance, I'm so sorry if Hao seems out of character; or even anyone else. It's not even characteristic of Hao to cross-dress. I'm probably going to go in chapters. This is so funny to write.
Asakura Hao couldn't help but smile. He was on the verge of laughing, but that wouldn't be very nice and graceful of a woman, now wouldn't it...?
He took a glance at the man who couldn't be less than 50 years old, with his hand gripping his crotch, and with a gaping mouth leering at Hao. Disgusting human. Hao turned away, smiling as the same man lecherously followed Hao. Suddenly, a weak cry emitted from the man, as his crotch started to flare up, literally, in flames.
"Someone get the man a fire extinguisher!"
"EEEK!"
"ARGH! I'M ON FIREE!"
Hao rolled his eyes. Small dickhead.
Then he followed the crowd of ladies in killer heels and flowing dresses. He smirked and sighed as he watched one of them stumble. It was indeed quite funny. They were the gender who were supposed to do well in heels and dresses, but a man who was supposed to be dead at least 7 centuries ago could fare way better than them and attract more men.
Now, people must wonder – why would the Shaman King be cross-dressing and burning off private parts?
Asakura Hao slid into his seat and ordered a drink. He wasn't sure what the drink was, and he wasn't going to probe, because he already heard the barman's crazed, sexual thoughts as he rushed to spike a drink. He also heard the murmurs of the other people manning the bar coming up to ogle at the beautiful (at this, Hao chuckled to himself) woman waiting for the drink.
He was out to expose, for his own sick pleasures, the true sexuality of Tao Ren, Usui Horokeu, Lyserg Diethel, and finally...
Asakura Yoh.
He was already quite sure Chocolove McDonell, the final warrior of the elemental spirits, was gay. It was unmistakable when he watched Chocolove operate around his kitchen. Hao was there just as a patron, because the Shaman King was simply bored and wanted some food. It was like watching Borat or something; the extent of Chocolove flaunting his sexuality was disturbing to watch, and Hao couldn't help himself by patting the male waiter's arm and saying, "Chocolove's probably gonna rape you, so I send my condolences."
So he had four main targets. Two were already married with kids. Asakura Hana somehow managed to find out about Uncle Hao's plan, and the 16-year-old wanted to help out (except for the exposing of his father; Hana wasn't keen on finding out that his father was gay or something), but Tao Men was too young to know.
"Hana," Hao started, already quite displeased that the teen had been so enthusiastic in his plan, but suddenly, a small boy probably half of Hana's height stepped in, with a kwandao at his side and a very upset face.
"Uncle Hao! I demand you to te-"
Hana lunged at Men, disarming him quickly and pinning the small boy to the ground. The white-haired boy struggled angrily, screaming and crying out for Bason and Shamash. "Shut up, annoying brat!" Hana snapped, while Hao watched. He felt Bason and Shamash quickly heading over, so Hana summoned Amidamaru.
"Amidamru! GO DISTRACT BASON AND SHAMASH!" Hana commanded.
The samurai looked from Hana to his uncle, sitting there with a very curious expression, and then frowned. "Bu-!"
"NOW!" Hana snapped and Amidamaru hurried complied. He rushed out of the door to placate Shamash and Bason.
Tao Men forced out a weak gasp. "Okay, FINE! Can you idiots just tell me?" He realised that by 'idiots' he also included Asakura Hao in, so he gulped and cringed as Hao glared.
"Tsk. Men, you're too...young." Hao shook his head and smiled. "Sorry."
"BUT-" Men was running out of options. "I-I'll tell Uncle Yoh you're-!"
"I'll tell Aunt Jeanne that you punched a boy in school and Uncle Ren just praised you and didn't tell Aunt Jeanne!" Hana countered back, and Hao marvelled at how determined the teen was to help out Hao's sinister plan.
True, his initial plan of absorbing Hana's father was pretty sinister too, but Hao fondly recalled how a 6-year-old Hana took it so well, he even asked for a demonstration from doting Uncle Hao, and insisted that Hana himself be used as a test subject. Hao wasn't even planning on absorbing what was probably a quarter of Hao before (considering Yoh was a half and he gave half of his genetic make-up and merged his with Anna's to create Hana...perhaps that was a little confusing), but Anna stepped in and nearly murdered the two of them.
Asakura Hana was already watching his uncle, or rather, the Shaman King, walk past the lecherous men. It was frankly, highly disgusting, since Hao was a man. I wonder which idiot would try touching Hao.
He sighed as he realised he spoke too soon. As Hao took his vodka, the barman, obviously under the influence of alcohol, suddenly grabbed his 'breasts' and whispered lustily, "So...you have quite the pair, huh?"
Within a fraction of a fraction of a second (because it happened so quickly), Hao had ignited the man in a flurry of flames. First, the barman was there, and then all of a sudden his body was engulfed in flames, and the next thing Hana knew was that the barman had crumpled into a heap on the floor. Hao had thankfully practised restraint by not killing the man.
"Just first-degree burns," Hao announced, making very sure that no man would ever try that again, "and I suggest no one tries that unless the female consents to such barbaric acts. I mean, no one would like to combust due to raging hormones, ne...?"
Hana was quite sure if his own father ever attempted this, and got molested, things wouldn't turn out very well for Yoh. But if it was his mum...Hana shivered at the notion. Much worse than this.
But then again, it was so cool. Hana was about to approach his uncle to beg him for lessons, but then their target stormed in.
Usui Horokeu.
Hana tried to hide his blonde hair, but Horo Horo noticed it quickly. "Yo! Hana boy!" Horo Horo called out, and before Hana could run, Horo Horo had grabbed him and smacked his back. "How you doing with lady watching?"
L-Lady watching? He heard a snigger from Hao; he must've read the silly thoughts. "U-Um, I have my eye on, um, one gu- I MEAN, um..." He struggled for a word.
Horo Horo looked like he was enjoying himself. "Well? Come on Hana boy, say it! Chick? Babe? Hottie?"
Hana blushed. "U-Um, uh...girl?"
This caused the older man to guffaw in laughter. Even Hao, from afar, couldn't help but smile and shake his head sadly. "Oh man, Hana boy, you're funny, funny! So, who you got your eye on? I could totally hook you up..."
Hana meekly looked around, and saw Hao give him a knowing glance. "Um...that...babe...at the bar."
Horo Horo turned to Hao's direction, and ogled as Hao diverted his eyes away from the Ainu, supposedly as an act of seduction. Hana had to admit that it worked very well, because Horo Horo was so mesmerized by 'her' that he got into some trance-like state and mumbled, "You're too young for that hot stuff, kid."
Hao sighed as Horo Horo slid into the seat beside him. "Hello, what's a beautiful creature like you doing all alone here?" Horo Horo asked sweetly.
As Hana slowly sat on Hao's other side, he nearly choked as Hao sweetly replied, in a convincingly feminine voice, "Oh, the usual." Hao lifted his cup. "Drinking."
"Holy shit..." Hana mumbled in awe, and Horo Horo winked, obviously glad at the positive response. Hao rolled his eyes subtly and sipped at his drink.
"Want a drink?" Hao asked again, and his voice was indeed strangely feminine...and seductive. In some husky way. Hana shuddered at the thought of his uncle being sexy in a feminine wa- oh, crap, he just remembered that Hao could read thoughts.
Hao chuckled and Horo Horo wanted to know why. "What's so funny, hun?"
The Shaman King flashed a charming smile. "I just think it's so funny that such a charming man like yourself would be in the company of people like me," he replied coolly. Hana couldn't help but be awed at how feminine his uncle could be.
"Aw, you're so sweet!" Horo Horo reached out to pinch Hao's cheek, but Hao smartly deflected it by turning to his drink. Hana knew that if Horo Horo were to pinch his cheek, and feel nothing but tough lean muscle on what he presumed was a woman's face...
"So, what's your son doing here with you?" Hao asked, turning to Hana. The blonde detected an evil glint in his uncle's eye, which reminded him once again, of the reality – Hao wasn't a smoking hot girl, just an evil thousand-year-old pedophile bent on subjecting Father and his friends to sheer humiliation. Hao must have heard it, for he just smiled and chided, "Tsk, tsk, where's your mummy?"
Out for our blood, I reckon, Hana thought idly, and Hao simply smirked. Horo Horo obviously didn't know what was happening, so he said, "Aw, no darling, this here's my best bud's kid. I'm just one lonely bachelor!"
"Oh, really?" Hao caught the jackpot relatively easily. He turned to face the blushing Ainu and grinned. "Well, I happen to be single too."
And unavailable, you asshole of a Shaman King! Hana snapped in his head, but Hao ignored that comment. After all, Hana was his only nephew.
"Oh, that's so sad, considering how beautiful you are!" Horo Horo sighed wistfully, and both Hao and Hana immediately noticed Horo Horo trying to check out the silicon bags. In response, Hao turned back to Hana and pinched his cheek.
"How old are you, kid? Tsk, fancy such a young thing here..." Hao murmured, and Hana once again shuddered.
"U-Um, I'm fifteen, sir- I MEAN, ma'am."
Hao grinned. Apparently he was enjoying the thrill of getting discovered. "Oh, how young." He held his cup tantalizingly near Hana. "Well, you adorable little kid, I guess I can't treat you to this drink..." He called out to the barman. "Would you get some...orange juice?"
Horo Horo was amazed, but he didn't suspect anything. "Woah! How did you know he likes orange juice?"
"Lucky guess. You must be thirsty." Hao took a glance at the drink and frowned. "Barman, when I said I wanted orange juice, I was planning to give it to the small boy, so would you mind not spiking it? You're so obvious."
The Ainu was even more awed. "You even know when the barman spikes your drink! COOL!"
Hao looked annoyed that the barman tried to spike Hana's drink, so when the orange juice came with some wine, Hao glared at his drink, but looked up with a seductive smile. "Would you mind sipping that for me? I'd like to share..."
The barman, who had spiked Hao's wine with a sedative, blushed. Then Horo Horo got...stupid. "I'll take a sip!" he announced, and indeed took a sip.
What an idiot, Hana couldn't help but think, and he saw Hao nod subtly. "Was it nice?"
Horo Horo looked dazed, but tried to hide it. "Oh, yeah, it's great!" he grinned and handed it to Hao, who gave Hana a watch-this face, and swallowed the liquid easily, without hesitation.
WHAT WAS THAT FOR? Hana roared in his head. The sedative started to kick in for Horo Horo, who started to yawn.
Hao turned to Hana. "Asshole, I'm the Shaman King," he replied back, in his normal voice, "and I'm pretty impervious to this. Can you stop screaming in your head? It's so annoying to hear your thoughts screaming in my head."
Hana frowned. Aren't you scared that Uncle Horo might hear you?
Hao grabbed a tuft of Horo Horo's hair and lifted his head. His eyes were half-closed. "Urgh...lemme send you home, kay Hana? Me and the lady here need time alone...urgh..." With that, the blue-haired man's head dropped.
The Shaman King looked at his nephew with an arrogant smirk. "Always trust your uncle."
"Yeah, right, when your uncle brings you to a bar to flirt with my dad's friends!"
"Considering your uncle happens to be the Shaman King, I don't see what's the problem."
"...Are all thousand-year-old guys like this?" Hana asked in frustration.
"I'm not very sure. My thousand-year-old cat Matamune coughs up fur balls the size of Yoh's oversoul though, if that helps," Hao answered helpfully, with a playful grin on his face. "Now come on, we'll bring you home."
"BUT YOU PROMISED!" Hana fought back.
"Ugh...Ren? Is that you, my friend? Shit, why the hell is your voice so damn high-pitched? Haven't hit puberty or something?"
Hana shot Hao a death glare, but the Shaman King seemed to be enjoying it. Horo Horo ignored the silence, and continued. "Shit, who are you screaming at...? I didn't take your milk, I swear..."
Hao cleared his throat. "Let's go..." He thought for a while, then continued, "...hunk." He turned to Hana, and whispered, "Shit, that felt so gay."
Agreed.
"...Yay...!" Horo Horo slurred happily.
"Is this my car?" Horo Horo asked, as Hao and Hana slowly helped him to a room. It was Hao's room actually. What Hana remembered from Horo Horo's complaints and whines was that Hao decided to make fun of humans, so he targeted a famous campany, joined it, then worked his way to the very top. He exposed the boss as being a fraud and successfully took hold of the company within a matter of days. It was quite strange, but Yoh had reasoned that with Reishi, Hao simply targeted a company with shady bosses, obtained the necessary documents, then exposed them and took the company as his own.
So now...he was loaded.
Hana found himself in Hao's apartment. Hao didn't need much so all he had was a sack filled with the necessary, and a huge bed.
"Hey, can you pay a share of my allowance?" Hana asked, but he was met with a chortle.
"I don't see the reason why," Hao replied back.
"Hey, dear, could you...urgh...lock up the kid in the toilet? His mum will murder me. She'd...mutilate my my my boday..." Horo Horo mumbled, slinging an arm over Hao, trying to grab at the silicon bags.
Hao sighed and threw the man on the bed. Much to Hana's disgust, Hao crawled up and whispered in Horo Horo's ear. He wasn't sure what, but Horo Horo took some time to digest whatever Hao had said.
Take out the camera, Hao mouthed, and Hana reached into his pocket for the digital camera. Hao took out a wet tissue and cleaned his face off of the offending make-up. He unpinned his hair to resemble his normal hair and kicked off the heels.
"Smile..." Hana mumbled as Hao grinned and posed for the camera next to the drunk Horo Horo.
"Okay, record it," Hao mumbled as he whispered again the question. This time, Hana could hear it too clearly.
"So, Usui Horokeu...straight, gay, or bi?"
Horo Horo gave the camera a stupid smile, reaching for the silicon bags next to him that Hao was still wearing. "Um...I think I'm bi..."
"And why is that so?"
"I once had this...thing for tongari boy...he was...some Chinese man who has a kid now..." Horo Horo mumbled.
"Ah. What was his name?" Hana asked excitedly.
"Tao...Tao Ren...ugh, maybe I should invite him for a hot spring bath..."
Hao and Hana exchanged amused glances. Hana looked like he was about to explode from containing his laughter, and Hao looked like he could continue asking even more crazy questions. But then Horo Horo turned to face Hao, who had already placed the silicon bags next to Horo Horo for the Ainu's perverse pleasure. Hao had already stripped to a pair of skinny jeans that he was wearing beneath his flowing dress, and he was taking out a shirt from his bag.
And Horo Horo screamed.
"Morning, Uncle Hao. Morning, Kororo."
"Morning. Stop calling me that."
"Sorry. Morning, ma'am."
"You know, if you called me that ten years ago when I was still out for your father's soul, I would've burnt you and fed you to the Spirit of Fire."
"...fine..."
Horo Horo struggled to recall what the hell happened.
"ARGH!" Hana screamed as Horo Horo screamed himself. Hao was just enjoying the show.
Before Horo Horo could jump out of the bed and scream for Kororo, Hao threw the silicon bags in Horo Horo's face as a distraction. As Kororo appeared and looked horrified as to why Hao would throw a pair of fake breasts at her master, Hana quickly took Kororo to a side and explained everything that happened.
Much to Hao's relief, the spirit giggled nonsensically and watched silently as Hao held him down, slowly willing the Ainu to sleep...
He found the breasts strapped to his chest.
Kororo giggled and Hana snorted at his realization
"Hello, beautiful," Hao called out, with an evil grin on his face, "how's your new breast implants coming along?"
"...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
This author has a strange strange mind.