Harry Potter Avoids the Dreadful MarySue

A/Note: This is my 3rd fic of the day, so if it sucks, just tell me. It's also my semi-first attempt at a comedy. I think I'm better at Dark/Angsty stories, so again, if it sucks, just review and tell me. Oh yea, here's a warning, there will be Slash. Why? Because it's my fic, dammit! Oh yea, that's the worst cuss word you'll see, and I don't do much smut either. So enjoy, as Harry Potter avoids our Deadly Sue.

"Hello, I'm Harry Potter. I'm a fifth year, and this is—" but the Gryffindor was stopped as the new girl butted in.

"Oh I know, you're Draco Malfoy. You hate Harry." The girl then twirled her long blonde hair around her manicured acrylic nail and gushed, "So I guess you hate me too, because my name's October May June Abigail Ravenclaw, and I'm going to marry Harry Potter! Wanna hear our kids' names?"

At this, Draco cleared his throat loudly and gestured to his arm, which was snaked around Harry's waist. Harry blushed and commented, "No, I don't believe we'll be getting married, Miss… err, Ravenclaw."

((At this point the authoress is attacked by Miss October May June Abigail Ravenclaw, and the story takes a definite 180 turn.))

Liek omg the wrrld is endinggg!!!!! My Herry must lurv me!!!!! Gah no morr Draco, my Herry is mine liek dat's y I call him my Herry!

And Harry vomits. Draco comforts, and receives a harsh smack from October May

If anybody's gonna comfort my Herry, its me dammit! But I dun wanna cuz he's all sweaty and gross and ewwww is that vomit! Herry quit it!

Draco now smacks our Sue, and bashes her with his Nimbus 2001 until she crumples to the ground. At this point, the authoress is revived enough to resume writing, and…

((Everything is back to almost-normal again.))

"No I don't believe we'll be getting married, Miss… err, Ravenclaw."

Draco smirked and looped his fingers through Harry's beltloop, in a definite "he's-mine-so-back-off-miss-thing pose", while our Sue pouted miserably.

"But the only reason I agreed to this stupid fanfiction thing was so my friend would write me into a story where I married Harry and we had lots of lovely blonde children named January March, April November, and September June! Ha! So you can't have him Draco cuz my friend is gonna make you die!" At this, the Golden Boy became rather alarmed.

"What?!?" He turned on the authoress. "You aren't really gonna kill my Dragon, are you?" ((No, Harry, I'm not. I love you both too much for that.)) "Okay, thanks Miss Authoress. ((No problem Harry, feel free to bash the Sue. She's not really my friend, just an obsessive fangirl.)) Harry beams, Draco gets a glint in his eye

"Hey Dray, I have an idea of something that would drive this Sue absolutely BONKERS."

"And what would that be, my little butterfly boy?"

"Well, Pookie, I think if we made out here and now, she'd just about die."

"Well, sweetie pie, I think that's a lovely idea." And as the Sue began to scream loudly, Draco took Harry's head in his hands and layered his face with light kisses. The Boy-who-lived-to-kiss-Draco responded vigorously, and strange noises were heard. The Sue weeped and wailed, and drew a lot of attention to the empty classroom in which the scene was taking place.

"Why, what's going on in here?" Severus Snape had entered.

"Boys! Ten points from Gryffindor! I told you to keep it in the dormitories! And who exactly are you?"

And as October May's eyes popped out, Draco and Harry hugged one more time as they glumly said, "Yes Sevvie."

((And as October May wails on the classroom floor, I must say, Adeiu for now, readers. Shall there be more slashy Sue-bashing? Only you decide, by way of Review!))