Disclaimer: I am not part of the CoD team, and thus did not create this crime game, although I would've wanted to, if I somehow had such an idea in my cerebrum.

A/N: We need more humor in CoD fanfics. AND YES I REALISE that I still have "The Longing" to update. I'm having the writer's block for that one. So I highly apologise for those who are waiting for updates, I promise they will come soon once I overcome this block and other hurdles in the form of work and studies. In the meantime, I decided that I would write this for fun. Please let me know your thoughts, they are highly and greatly appreciated.

This was inspired in part by "Customer Service", a Draco/Hermione fanfic, and other humorous fanfics involving IMs, emails, and texting.

This is… very AU. And my apologies if the characters seem a bit… OOC.

INSTANT MESSAGING

June 14, 2012 | 9:01PM

To: Malachi Fallon; Natara Williams; Kenneth Greene; Blaise Corso; Amy Chen; Kai Kalaba

From: Maria Yeong

Re: Internal instant messaging service

Attachment:

! URGENT SFPD EMAIL!
*REQUIRES IMMEDIATE RESPONSE

Dear team,

As you are aware, the current situation at the SFPD does not look pleasing. Lieutenant Anders has lodged his report regarding our individual shortcomings, rebellious actions, high-risk character flaws, and distractions at other non-work related issues (such as The Sims 3, beer, and so forth) when in the crime lab. Not that this is specifically directed at any of you, of course, as you well know that when I have been displeased with any of you, matters were taken seriously and dealt with.

However, as Anders clearly does not understand that we have been doing our job – which is, indisputably, to vanquish the villains of this city and lock up all the related tyrants – I have been working with Ms Chen to craft an internal instant messaging service, one that will comprise of only seven of us. This instant messaging service will be code named OSS – Operative Secret System. It is highly barricaded thanks to our data analyst and her abilities to source codes complex enough to prevent Anders and his tech research team from finding any further information related to your past history and current misbehaviour. This instant messaging service will be used for communication between seven of us to discuss matters that should not be brought up in person when at the crime lab, or in any single room or place inside the SFPD. In short, once you step foot into the precinct, I don't expect any of you to breathe a word about any subjects discussed in this platform, or, about this service at all (yes, this is now directed specifically at you, Mr Kalaba).

This is the one time I feel that we need to find a way to protect the SFPD. As Captain, I will not resort to dirty tactics, corrupt methods, bad-mouthing or hitting people on the head with sharp objects, but I will protect us as a team. This was my pledge when I began assembling a team at this police department, and I have found from the recent past of working with six of you that there is no one I trust more as workers and friends, off-site. I have been in the confidence of each of your past and present personal matters, and this honesty displayed among us was indeed the deciding factor in me putting this thought into action and defending the honour of our service towards the citizen of this somewhat doomed city.

Detective Fallon and Special Agent Williams, I certainly hope that you understand the calamity of the situation and use OSS to your highest possible advantage in ensuring that any matters in regards to Anders that are brought to your attention is directed to me via this service. Nonetheless, I expect you to continue in your duty in your investigations as arranged. Please direct any information you come across that is fundamental to ensuring that the SFPD's reputation is not tainted any further – of which you must remember that these are your reputations as well.

Mr Kalaba, I must add as well, that this is not a spy service, and I do not expect you to convert all your discussions with Ms Chen regarding console gaming platforms and the like to this instant messaging service. We are not Mission: Impossible, and we are not secret agents, except for Special Agent Williams, who is a literal agent, as I am certain is unnecessary to spell out.

I must stress however, that reputations are not the primary importance here; we are. Currently, with Anders giving commands, I have to admit that the level of defence in our city has decreased more than ever, especially considering this ego-centric man had the boldness to refocus every single office in the department to RE-TRAINING classes.

We need to do our job even if it means doing it without the knowledge of Lieutenant Anders. This is a risk I am willing to take in order to protect the citizens of our city. If you refuse to take this risk, I most certainly understand. It is why I require your immediate response on this matter. If you decide to do this, know that if we are revealed, there are going to be detrimental punishments upon each of our heads. And I don't mean this figuratively.

I have attached a detailed document with the guidelines and purposes of OSS.

Please respond by 0100 hours. Thank you.

Maria Yeong

Captain
San Francisco Police Department
1125 Filmore Street
San Francisco, CA 94115

PS. My apologies for the slightly crude language in this email. If you could excuse me, as your Captain I believe I am allowed for less-informed manners from time to time. Thank you.

A/N: Replies from each of them coming next chapter. Sorry if this didn't sound as sarcastically funny as I hoped it would be. :S More humour in store next. Review please?