Title: Hidden Realities, Unspoken Truths.
Pairing: Morgan/Reid.
Rating: K+
Summary: "Agree to be dysfunctional ever-after with me?"
Hidden Realities, Unspoken Truths
They're a tragedy just waiting to happen. In the deepest regions of his mind, Spencer is aware of this. In his heart, however, he will never admit it. Their happily ever after will never be, and what they have is all that they will ever have. There aren't many times Spencer gets to dwell too deeply on the subject, not with his lifestyle, but when he does, it's never a good feeling. The best way he can compare it to is the feeling of being starved.
Yes, starved was the word he was looking for. The body took a long, treacherous and painful amount of time to decompose from malnutrition. Being trapped in a place he was unfamiliar with, scared and wasting away as he slowly lost his mind. That was the only thing he could compare this to, and while he knew it wasn't right, wasn't healthy, he couldn't see himself doing anything else. The two of them were so imperfect and messed up outside of their realm of work.
This extended to their relationship with one another. The line was never officially set, and it had obviously been crossed one too many times. They were always bending the rules, or outright breaking them, and the funniest thing was, they couldn't understand why, and if they weren't crossing their boundaries, they were bending backwards until they fractured and broke. A little piece at a time. Their intentions were never to hurt, or at least, not at first. They now found themselves in an impossible spot, caught between molding together or completely falling apart.
The two were separated for the night, each trying to decided what it was they wanted. Whether this was love, or some form of traumatic codependency. Spencer figured he knew the answer to this question already, but he ran from it, hiding from the answer that would solve all and ultimately break his heart. The tears that formed were sudden and frightened him, his hands flew to try and halt the assault, but they would not be stopped. Not this night.
The coherent pieces of his mind told him to look closely, examine all that they had been through. Derek was a great friend, an allay that would lay down his life in an instant for the other man. Derek was also uncontrollable, and liked many things to the point of excess. There were many sides to Derek Morgan, and most no one ever got to see, but they were plain to Spencer. Derek just couldn't have Spencer, he needed all of him.
There would be no one to turn to if he left, Spencer's mind screamed. The only one who Spencer without words having to be formed was Derek. The one who, with just a look, could solve all his wounds, but also create them. This, whatever they had, Derek felt the need to push and pull, and see how far he could move until something broke, and many things had. Spencer being on of them.
Spencer was not innocent in this, however, he admitted. Spencer wanted to see if he could make Derek leave him, see if he would abandon him just like everyone else had at one point or another. Derek didn't have much of a chance, he knew, but he never left. When Spencer bared his teeth, and clawed at the forefront of his mind, Derek didn't walk away. Was it his stubbornness that made him stay, or was Derek just as lost without Spencer as Spencer was without him?
It was like their souls had been sewn together improperly.
As much as they came together, there was always some part of them that tried to pull itself apart. Constant repairs had to be made just to keep them whole, together and apart. They hated to be molded so closely, but would weep if ever one tried to get away. Spencer began to wonder if they were even happy, how could anyone be happy like this? This! This, whatever this was.
Spencer tried to shield his eyes, attempting to forget this feeling that wouldn't stop. This pain that lingered heavily in his heart, why wasn't he ever good enough? What if the problem didn't reside within Derek, and instead laid itself entirely in his hands? What if it was his inability at being stable for long lengths of time that put them at odds? What if they simply weren't meant to be?
Weren't meant to be.
Spencer wouldn't accept that, he couldn't. If this was as good as it got, then this is all that he needed. Because whether it was sane or not, whether it was healthy or not, he couldn't keep going if he didn't have Derek there with him. In all honesty, maybe they were both insane. It made sense that a disturbed mind could easily attract another just like it, but was that really the case?
There were good moments, Spencer reminded himself. The moments that they often had to steal under the noses of the people around them. The trailing fingers over the length of a forearm or calf. Secret conversations carried on only by them. The deep kisses and tugging hands as they sheltered themselves away from all seeing eyes.
Spencer bit his lip, he concluded that he needed a walk. Sitting frigid in his living room was doing absolutely no good, no good at all. A walk would clear his head, especially as Summer quickly gave way to Fall. The wind, it seemed, whorled its way in circles around his head, and it was nice to be without a thought for once. One of Spencer's greatest flaws, he deemed, was his ability to over think things.
The second, that he often didn't give himself enough credit where it was due.
The tie of his converse sneaker came undone, and Spencer was met with the task of bending over and tying it. For the life of him, Spencer hated tying his shoes. He was never really good at it, hand-eye-coordination never being one of his strong points. The street he traveled along was populated somewhat, and while his mind struggled to find what he deemed an appropriate spot to perform this task, someone was already planning to tend to it. A voice called out behind him.
"Give me your foot."
Derek hadn't planned on seeing Spencer. Well, not until he arrived on his doorstep, ready to announce that he was nothing but trouble, and Spencer should stay away from him. That was the right thing to do, wasn't it? Sacrifice yourself and your feelings for the overall well being of the poor soul that had placed faith in you. Derek figured walking would awaken the courage he needed in order to fall through with his plan, but seeing Spencer and watching him struggle in a social situation pushed all commonsense out of his head, and sent him in a sort of instinctual direction.
Spencer's face seemed a cross between stunned and heartrendingly sad. Nonetheless, Spencer handed Derek his foot as the other man crisscrossed the multicolored laces, making sure to secure them tight. The timing couldn't have been more right, or more wrong. Walking a few more steps, they found a bench that wasn't preoccupied by teenagers on dates and old people who didn't have the stamina to walk long distances. The small distance between them seemed so much further than it actually was, and both could feel the strain.
"I need you."
"I love you."
Who said what didn't really matter, both sentences rang true for each man. The blur between love and need was something bigger than themselves. They were so immersed with each other that they couldn't think straight. It was obvious they were both blinded by the need to be close to each other, physically or not. When one strayed too far, their presence was immediately missed. Was it their subconscious of wanting to be together that caused them to meet here?
Derek was not big on coincidences.
"This isn't right."
"Does it matter? We're incapable of being apart, just like we're incapable of being together."
"Romantic limbo?"
"Something like that," Spencer mumbled.
Breathing seemed much easier out here. The distraction the people who shopped ambiguously brought was comforting in small doses. Spencer kept his head down, trying his hardest not to look at the man sat next to him, trying to see if he could ever be able to take his eyes off of him. Derek did the same, looking in every direction other than his. What was the next step?
What were they suppose to do?
"I need to change the way I treat you."
"You listen to me. You talk things out with me. What is there to change? I'm the one that can't be relied on," Spencer argued.
"Don't go pretending like I don't have any faults, Spence. I do. A lot of them. A lot of things I've done to you are unforgivable."
"I forgive you for them. All of them."
"I don't know if I can accept that forgiveness."
"What if I can accept yours?" Spencer posed, and Derek froze. "Or do you not forgive me?"
"I've never felt like there's been anything to forgive."
"If you're not going to be honest about this, then just lie."
"Spence."
"No. You're not perfect, and I'm not either, and I'm not going to pretend that we are."
That was the truth, the complete truth. The only way to put it was to put it simply; imperfection plainly described their existence on even ground. No sensible person would ever love them, not if they had half their wits about them. Something within them made them blindly flock to each other, seeking comfort and reassurance there. Something within them told the other that all was okay, while they had their problems, they were still worth loving.
"I love you because I find loving you to be worthwhile. I love you not expecting anything back," Spencer spoke, pausing just long enough to establish eye contact, "Am I worth it to you?"
Derek laughed, smiling at the other man and just how crazy they really must be. "Your worth more than anything to me."
"Agree to be dysfunctional ever-after with me?"
"Nothing, and I mean nothing, sounds better."
Whether or not Derek was lying, Spencer had not the heart to ask. They could play pretend until the end of time as long as it was together. If ever the day they came tumbling down, Spencer would at least have memories to string together when he felt alone. Spencer, for once in his life, was not accustomed to being without someone, and more than that, he was not accustomed to being without love, or the allusion of. Maybe one day they would snap out of this comatose like way of living and face reality, but until then, let them be happy.