Duty is an old man
Kalasin of Conté lifted her head and embraced the wind on her face as she brought her stallion to a full gallop. Her heart beat faster as she felt like she had become one with the wind herself, flying in the opposite direction. She let out a K'miri war cry, losing herself to the exhilaration of the moment.
She was part K'miri, riding was in her blood.
As she reached the end of the valley she slowed her stallion, Wildheart, pulling him to a stop before the drop into a river below. Riders had been killed here, those who were lured by the flat land and saw the drop too late.
Not her. She had been at King's Reach for four years now. She felt like she knew this place better than Corus, better than the palace these days. Outside of the lessons with the countess, she explored every inch of the land by herself, enjoying some of the freedom that she would not have, if she had stayed at the palace.
She was being watched, of course. Somewhere in the trees lining the valley, the King's Reach's men-at-arms lurked and guarded her from the shadows. But they never got near.
It was part of the deal she had bargained for.
Once the marriage with the Emperor of Carthak had been finalised, she had lived like a ghost for a while, for all Daine said that Kaddar was a good man — a boy, really. It was better than she could have hoped for. At least he wasn't an old man.
But she had read about Carthak. She knew that they still kept slaves there. She knew that women do not enjoy as much freedom as they do in Tortall. She knew that, in all likelihood, she would not be able to ride as much as she could there.
So she fought for a few years of freedom. She did not care for palace politics or court gossip anymore. Her family? She could no longer stand her father's non-apology, for dashing her dreams and shipping her off to a foreign land, but she could not stay angry with him either. Her own anger was reflected in her mother, and she knew that her presence would be a constant source of conflict between her parents.
And so she left for King's Reach. She had learned much from the Countess of King's Reach, and her cover story was not a complete lie. But she was really here to be away from sympathetic relatives and siblings and just be Kally for a while. She could ride to her heart's content, squeezing in a lifetime's worth of riding before she had to give it up. The family at King's Reach had been instructed to leave her alone if she wished so.
Surely, it wasn't that much to ask for. Not in comparison with the freedom she had surrendered for the rest of her life.
She stared at the vast expanse of land beyond the river for a while more. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. There was something soothing about a rolling valley stretching away for miles and miles before they vanished into a mountain range. It soothed her heart when she felt suffocated.
She returned to the stables just before sunset, and she spent some time grooming Wildheart and feeding him an apple before she left him to his feed. She was about to leave the stables when a courier handed her a stack of letters.
"Thank you," Kally said with a smile, her heart lifting with curiosity and eagerness at news from home. Family was much easier to love from a distance.
When she reached her room she sat at her desk and counted the letters, studying the handwriting as she went.
The thick letter with neat handwriting must be from Roald, and she couldn't help smiling at the thickness. It must be another letter analysing whatever new thing he had discovered about Shinkokami. She loved her brother, and she was very glad that he loved his betrothed.
The shortest letter with a messier, careless scrawl looked like it was from Liam, or Jasson. Neither of them wrote often, and she was looking forward to reading it, whomever it was. Liam's squire adventures made her envious sometimes, but she loved reading them. Jasson's interests were in the complete opposite of all her siblings, being the only one who wanted to be a full mage. He had fascinating stories, too.
The letter in the smooth, pale blue envelop would be from Lianne. She always liked fancy stationeries, and she had a good range to choose from in the City of the Gods.
The one with the royal seal could only be from her mother. Her father always relayed news through her mother, though deep down Kally liked to think that her father did not dare to write her. What else was there for them to talk about, anyway?
She frowned when she reached the end of the stack, and did not see a letter from Vania. Vania wrote her every other week, chattering happily about every little thing that happened in the palace. She had missed at least two such letters now, and if something had happened to Vania, surely someone would have told her. Why hadn't Vania written to her?
Perhaps she should just ask her mother how Vania was doing. She opened the letter from her mother first. Her mother sent her regards and asked after her, the usual, and shared brief news of the war in the north.
… News of killing devices keep coming in, and we are doing what we can to prepare for them. It looks like it could be a long war ahead, and sorry as I am that you are away, I am glad that you are not part of all this.
But enough of talk of war. Life goes on, still. Vania is turning thirteen soon, and you should know that she is starting her page training in a month…
Kally gasped. She stopped, and read the line again to make sure she was not mistaken.
… she is starting her page training in a month. She asked your father and I in the middle of the Grand Progress, dear, after she saw Keladry of Mindelan defeat a conservative knight at tilting. She had thought it through, and she said she wanted to encourage girls around the realm to shape their own lives. She looks up to you very much, dear. I hope you can be happy for her.
Kally's hands shook, and she could not finish the letter. She tossed it aside after two more attempts, and stood up in a daze.
Vania had asked the same question Kally did, but her father said yes.
Why?
Even riding couldn't soothe her heart these days. Ever since she read her mother's letter, she had been trying to ignore what she learned. Sometimes she would succeed and let the wind take her worries off her mind, sometimes she would lie awake at night, and think of her youngest sister becoming the first female Conté knight in centuries. It had been her dream first.
Vania did not write to her at all.
It did not help to hear news from the countess. The countess' second youngest daughter, Fianola, had started page training as well. Fianola was actually Vania's year mate, and she wrote that there was another girl in their year as well, Emmeline of Tirragen. Three female pages in a year. Vania was really part of something, wasn't she?
Her mother wrote her again. Kally set her letter aside, and reached for Lianne's first. Lianne was always thoughtful, and she would sometimes discuss the new things she learned about healing, and Kally had always found those fascinating.
To her surprise, Lianne did not talk about healing.
… The first night I arrived at Corus and checked in on the infirmary, guess who rushed in? Vania came in with her year mate. Vania is fine, don't worry…
Kally let out a breath she did not know she was holding —
…Her year mate, Emmeline of Tirragen — Vania calls her Emmy — was crushed under a big heavy suit of armour, and was bruised all over. Poor girl. I suspect some of the older pages have a cruel sense of humour.
No matter, that is not why I am writing you. Vania looked fine at the beginning, but the first chance she got, she broke down and apologised to me, Kally. You should have seen her. She was so worried that I — that both of us — resent her because she was allowed to train for knighthood. Have you been writing her, Kally?
Kally paused, looking up from the letter and out of her window. She blinked rapidly, and tried to tell herself that it was reading under the dim light from the sunset that made her teary. She turned to her candles and lighted them with a flick of her fingers, the blue of her Gift glowing briefly.
There. It should be bright enough now.
… I could tell that she thought about it a lot. She thinks that it was because both of us are older than her, and that we shouldered the duties of marrying for the sake of the Crown, that she had this freedom to train for knighthood.
Maybe it is true. Maybe father thinks that it would help to have a female Conté knight now that the two of us are proper ladies — forgive me if I sound glum, Kally, I was asked to come back here to look over some potential suitors, and none of them was half as funny as Alan. It is depressing, my dear.
But enough about me. How do you feel about all this, Kally? You haven't mentioned it in your recent letters, and I know mother must have told you. I took the liberty of telling Vania that we are proud of her for fighting for what she wants. Forgive me, Kally, but she was so worried and scared. You would have said the same thing if you had seen her then, even though I know this must be difficult for you. (It is difficult for me, even if I had wanted to be a Rider and not a knight. How wonderful it must be to be the youngest?)
Will you forgive her, too?
Kally had a long cry before she started writing her letter to Vania.
It was not Vania's fault, after all.
Fianola looked very different when she came back in the summer after a year of training. She grew taller, fitter, and she held herself with a confidence that only combat training could provide. But she let her tumbling brown curls down the moment she stepped into the castle, saying that she had not done so for a year. Her younger sister peppered her with questions, even though she herself had decided that knighthood was not for her.
Fianola sought Kally out in her room after her first dinner home, and Kally invited her in curiously.
"I left out some details that my father wouldn't want to hear, Kally," Fianola said as both of them sat on the armchairs in front of the hearth. "But I thought you would want to hear them.
"We were attacked by immortals over our summer camp."
Kally sat up straight. "Is Vania all right?"
Fianola smiled reassuringly. "She is. But she had a scare. It was a coordinated attack by different immortals on the pages, and hurroks attacked our group. Vania started giving out orders the moment she saw them flying overhead, but when one dove at her, she froze on the spot."
Kally felt her breath caught. Hurroks. Of all the immortals out there, it had to be hurroks.
Fianola continued grimly, "Emmy, our year mate, she saved her life. She pushed Vania down and was cut by the hurrok herself. There were a few bloody gashes, and our healer was stretched thin across the casualties that he could not heal Emmy immediately. Vania took care of Emmy day and night, I think she felt guilty."
Kally nodded in understanding. Vania would.
Fianola shared more details. After she left, Kally sat in her armchair again, and felt her heart ache for Vania. Knighthood would be a difficult path to walk. Only first year into her training, she had to face this. How much more danger lie ahead for Vania? What if something happened to her?
And hurroks. Would Vania ever find the courage to fight them?
When the eleven-year-old Kally was finally told that the palace had been secured, she rushed to their parents' study straight away, with Roald, Liam and a whole squad of the palace guards on her heels. They themselves had been terrified, what must their younger siblings be feeling?
Lianne and Jasson threw themselves at the Kally and Roald the moment they entered the study, and Kally hugged Lianne tightly, patting her back. Lianne cried quietly even as Jasson sobbed loudly into Roald's shoulder.
Kally looked up, and saw nine-year-old Liam trying to coax six-year-old Vania out from behind a curtain. Kally frowned and straightened up, keeping a hand on Lianne and tugging her gently forward.
"You're safe now, Vania," Liam was saying, one hand holding the curtain up, and one hand extended as he tried to pull Vania up. "Lord Wyldon drove the immortals away, didn't he?"
Vania shook her head vigorously, not meeting their eyes. She hugged her knees tightly, and her face was still pale and terrified. Gods, there were still splatters of immortals' blood on her dress.
Liam turned to Kally helplessly. Kally made sure she caught Lianne's eyes before handing her hand to Liam, closing his small hand over hers.
That done, she dropped down to sit in front of Vania, scooting as close as she could. She reached out and closed her hand gently around Vania's. "Vania, remember who I am?"
It took her a moment, but Vania looked up, and nodded quickly.
"Who am I?"
Vania swallowed. "Kally."
Kally squeezed her hand and smiled encouragingly. "Good. Have I ever lied to you?"
Slowly, Vania shook her head.
"Well, I won't ever lie to you. The immortals are gone, Vania. You don't have anything to be afraid of anymore. You're safe."
Tentatively, Vania caught her eyes again. Kally held her gaze. After a moment too long, Vania shifted so that she could throw her arms around Kally's neck, sobbing.
Kally hugged her back tightly, vowing to take better care of her from now on.
After that incident, Vania became terrified of horses.
She had loved riding her pony, but somehow the horses reminded Vania too much of hurroks, no matter how many times everyone explained that they were different creatures.
Kally made sure that Vania watched when she went riding herself, and she only brought the gentlest of ponies to Vania and coaxed her to touch them. It took her months, but one day, Vania finally agreed to ride with Kally. Kally keep a firm arm around Vania's belly as they rode together. They would have many such trips over the next few weeks, and Kally was heartened to see Vania's fear of horses slowly subside.
One day, the wind was on their faces, and Kally dared to bring her horse to a full gallop for the first time with Vania riding in front of her. At the height of their speed, Kally imitated the K'miri war cry she always heard her mother use.
Vania laughed.
One moment later, she let out her own war cry. It was shrill and squeaky. And they both laughed, feeling exhilarated and silly at the same time.
Vania started riding on her own again after that.
"Kally?"
Kally turned around, and almost didn't recognise Vania. She had shot up a few inches over the past year, and she was lean and well-muscled. Her long braid was neat and business-like. The hesitation that she wore now didn't seem to suit her.
Kally smiled, and opened her arms wide. "Where's my hug?"
Vania grinned, and rushed forward to hug her. Kally was startled to realise that Vania was only a head shorter than her now. She would catch up with her soon, at this rate.
Kally patted her back. "You've grown up!"
"Oh, don't you comment on my muscles," Vania said with mock dismay when she pulled away, "Lianne had already inspected me like a horse. I don't need you to do it too!"
Kally laughed, and slung an arm around Vania's shoulder as they walked on. "I won't. I want to see how you handle yourself on a real horse! Come, have you done much riding at all, amid all the other things you're doing?"
Vania protested indignantly, and went on to describe how they were trained on their riding and tilting skills, and Kally listened. Vania was doing the very thing that Kally had dreamed of doing her whole life. She had dreamed about her own page training so many times.
But she found that she wasn't jealous at all. She was truly happy for Vania.
In her father's study hours later, Kally dropped to a very proper curtsy. "Father."
Her father smiled warmly, and got up from behind his desk. He wrapped her in a hug, and Kally hugged him back in reflex. He felt the same as always. Strong. Dignified. Regal.
"How have you been?" He said, tugging her gently to the two chairs by the side of the room with a small round desk in between.
"I've been well," Kally said, smoothening her dress as she sat. She still loved wearing breeches, but she knew she mustn't get too used to them now, lest she miss them more later.
Her father held her gaze, and didn't speak for a moment too long. Finally, he sighed. "Have you spoken with Vania?"
"Of course."
"Have you anything to say to me?" He asked directly, his eyes patient.
Kally studied his father. There was weariness behind his patience, a certain resignation. He had prepared for this talk. He had known what she must have felt, when he agreed to let Vania train for her knighthood. And yet he had done so anyway, and Kally knew that he had thought it through, and there was only one conclusion. There was only ever one reason for his decisions.
It was good for Tortall.
Kally swallowed, and looked away. "I understand you must have your reasons, father. Vania would do much good for the girls in the realm."
"Oh, Kally." He took Kally's hand and squeezed it gently, "I wish that was the only reason."
Kally looked up in surprise, and saw the guilt in her father's eyes.
"Having a female Conté knight is all well and good, but it's not without risks. There's talk, still, and Vania would live a dangerous life. But I —" He swallowed, "If I'm honest, it's because it's too hard for me to say no twice, Kally. I can't drive her away, too."
Kally jerked her hand back in surprise, and saw the flash of hurt in her father's eyes. She swallowed, her words failing her.
Her father hung his head, almost in defeat. Kally had never seen him this way before. He looked almost… old.
"I'm sorry, Kally." he whispered, finally saying the words that Kally had been wanting to hear from him all these years. "I know it must hurt to know that I allowed Vania to do what I forbade you to. But I…"
"You have already forged alliances with the Yamani Islands and Carthak," Kally found herself saying, "And Liam is to strengthen our ties with Tyra with his marriage. We have enough allies for now. There is no need to send more of your children away."
Her father stared at her, his eyes anguished. "Kally…"
Kally stood up, and walked over to kneel on one knee in front of her father. She took his hands with hers. She studied the new lines on his face, and the white hair at his temples.
"I understand duty, father."
He raised one hand to pat her head. "I know you do. You're born to rule, like I am."
She smiled a little, and leaned forward to rest her head on his lap. He smoothed her hair, and they stayed there for a while, sharing an understanding that didn't need words.
Kally would set sail for Carthak the day after tomorrow. In all likelihood, she would never set her foot on Tortallan soil again. Nor would she see many of her loved ones in person for a long time, if ever.
She made sure that she would get to have tea alone with Vania today.
Vania was already getting emotional, Kally could see it in the way she fidget, and the way that she avoided her gaze. Vania had already finished her second year of page training by now, though Kally would never stop seeing her as the younger sister.
"Have some tea," Kally said calmly, pushing a cup towards her and pouring another for herself. "It will calm you down."
Vania chuckled nervously. "I'm not the one sailing for a foreign land in a few days, Kally."
Kally smiled. "It is something that I have to do, Vania. There is nothing to be nervous about, I have accepted this a long time ago. There's a lot of work to be done in Carthak."
Without warning, Vania's hand shot out to grip Kally's, her eyes intense. "Will you… will you be happy?"
"Happiness is a fickle thing, Vania." Kally patted the hand covering hers, "It comes and goes. I get it when I ride a horse at full gallop, and I lose it sometimes when the weather gets dark. Duty is a different thing. It lasts, and I know it does a lot of good to people."
Vania's eyes were a little too bright. "But your duty is so hard…"
Kally chuckled. "It does a lot of good too. I will be an empress, Vania. I can change the lives of many in Carthak for good. And one day, should Tortall need more swords to protect her, I can command more than mine."
"And maybe… " Kally said hopefully, because Vania needed this hope as much as she did, "… maybe Kaddar is as good a man as Daine describes. And I can ask for nothing more."
Vania swallowed. "Nothing?"
Kally stood up and went around the table to wrap Vania in a firm hug. "Nothing except for you to stay safe. You chose a dangerous life, Vania. I thought about the glory of knighthood often, but you were already attacked by hurroks in your first year. I just wish that you won't face too much danger, and that you'll always have friends like Emmy to protect you."
"But I want to protect them, Kally," Vania protested, though she hugged Kally back all the same, "What kind of knight would I be if I shy away from danger?"
Kally chuckled, shaking her head as she let go. She kissed Vania on the forehead before she straightened up. "You better write often, or I'm going to worry myself sick, thinking of all the dangers you're embracing."
"I'm not going to embrace them exactly…"
Kally raised her eyebrow, and Vania grinned sheepishly.
"I'll write."
As their boat set sail from Port Legann, Kally stood on the deck and surveyed the coastline of her homeland one last time.
She would devote the rest of her life to duty. Truth to be told, she was partly looking forward to the chance to make a difference, to impart the changes that her mother brought to Tortall.
She knew it would change her. Perhaps one day, she would choose to put the good of the realm above the happiness of her children, like her father did. She would be an old woman by then, but she would be a good ruler, like her old man.
A/N: This story takes place between chapters 2-13 in The Phoenix Quest. I've always wanted to know more about Kalasin's side of the story, though it didn't fit really well into The Phoenix Quest itself.
The title is inspired by Kel's vigil in 'Squire': "Duty was what was owed, good parts and bad, to keep the realm growing, to keep it as fair as life could be kept. Duty was an old man, snug in his fur-lined robe, snoring lightly somewhere behind her."
(One of my favourite lines of all time)