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"Just keep walking." It was the only thing that kept him moving forward as the cold mist closed the separation between him and the monstrosity of a house that had been his hell on earth for the past 4 years. "Just keep walking." He repeated it over and over in his head as if the phrase was a powerful mantra, the only thing that could provide his escape, his salvation from himself. The mist had turned into an annoying drizzle as he reached the depot, boarded the train and entered the private compartment. He was glad he paid the extra fair for privacy. He was not sure how long he could keep the mask of indifference in place before his emotions replaced it with the truth. He stared out the window at the new station that, less than 10 years ago, had been burned to the ground by Sherman during his march to the sea. Less than 10 years ago, Atlanta was reduced to rubble marking one of the turning points in the war and in his life.
Less than 10 years ago, he admitted to himself he was desperately in love with her and would do anything to win her love and be worthy, even join a retreating Confederacy to defeat at the Battle of Franklin. Less than 10 years ago was the first time he left her, left her on that dark road at Rough and Ready alone, hurt, angry and confused. It was the first time he kissed her; a sweet kiss any soldier would take to the grave. Then, she was his life-blood, his reason for fighting, returning from battle. Today, she was his poison, his addiction. He needed her now as much as he wanted her then. But he was beaten by his addiction. He needed to get her out of his system, she was driving him mad and if he didn't leave now he was sure that he would kill her, or her lover or both. He was so mad with jealousy over Ashley Wilkes; the simpleton coward who wasn't brave enough to love her and too arrogant to let go of her. Survival, he told himself, leaving her is self-preservation. Leave now or surely end his life hanging from the end of a rope one way or another. The rain picked up as the train lurched forward and Rhett found himself finally exhaling. How long had he been holding his breath? With the forward motion of the train he knew that the first steps in this long healing process were beginning. He was leaving behind the two great loves of his life, one buried in the cemetery, taken too soon and the other dead to him because of her obsession for a man that only loved her for what she reminded him of not for who Scarlett actually was.
In the reflection of the window Rhett saw someone he didn't recognize; a swollen middle-aged man that looked beaten. He saw the car server open the sliding compartment door and heard him ask if he would like to order a drink. Rhett did not turn but only indicated "no" with a wave of his hand. The time for drinking was past. If he was going to survive this, he needed to feel the pain. He needed it to remind him at every moment that he was doing what he had to do to be human again. He had not expected Scarlett's declaration of love this afternoon. Rhett admitted that it made him rethink his decision to leave. But then he remembered with whom he was dealing. This was a woman who was willing to lie to get anything she wanted. She lied when she came to see him in the jail after the war and told him how worried she was about him. She lied to Frank Kennedy, breaking his and her sister's heart just to get the taxes for Tara. She lied when she wanted him out of her bed stating it was because she didn't want any more children when instead she wanted to keep her body as a shrine to the wooden-headed Ashley Wilkes. She lied when she said the events before Ashley's birthday party meant nothing to her and he was sure that she was lying now about being in love with him. He reasoned once she realized that as his ex-wife she would be well taken care of that she would waste no time becoming the first ex-Mrs. Butler and the second Mrs. Wilkes.
Of course he was to blame too. Maybe if he hadn't been too stubborn or vain or plain scared and admitted sooner that he was in love with Scarlett she would have tried harder. Maybe if he had stayed away from Belle's and opened up to her in the days after Bonnie's death things would be different today. Thinking about that now was a waste of time. He didn't do any of those things and he could not go back and do them now. No, he was 45 years old and it was time for him to stop believing in the fairy tale happy ending that would never be Rhett and Scarlett. Ironically, the war had been the best time for him and Scarlett. His thoughts went to the few days before the war started, the first time he saw her walking up the staircase at Twelve Oaks, during the war when they danced at the ball for the "Glorious Cause", the many times at Aunt Pitty Pat's that he forced himself not to crush her to him and kiss her on the front porch and the end of the war, the night at Rough and Ready. Of course, their marriage had equally important memories. Their honeymoon, their trips to Tara and the night Bonnie was conceived. He felt the formation of a smile across his lips. He may never see Scarlett again and she may have crushed his heart but these memories were pure and nothing, not even Ashley Wilkes, could taint them.
Eventually sleep overtook him and the years of exhaustion seemed to lighten the farther from Atlanta the train moved. He knew he was a coward. Despite all of his bravado and claims of not being in love with Scarlett, not wanting to marry her in the first place or, even now, his desire to divorce her, he was too cowardly to sever all ties with her even if he never saw her again. Knowing that he had some claim over her as her husband or that he had a right to be sure she was taken care of would mean he would never go through with the divorce, no matter how much he threatened. Plus, not forcing a divorce immediately gave him the distinct advantage of keeping tabs on Scarlett while he was away from Atlanta without actually having to inquire about her comings and goings. He predicted that within three months she would be contacting him with divorce papers so that she could finally marry her one true love. Then he could claim victory and know that leaving her today was the right decision. He could hold his head up high knowing that he no longer played the fool and his hell on earth would end.
He decided that Scarlett was his punishment for his cruel treatment of women's hearts in the past. All the young and innocents that he seduced and made love to only to leave them crumpled and broken when he felt it was time to move on. He chuckled to himself when he thought that at first sight, that is what Scarlett was to be, his next conquest. He assumed that she would be an easy target, young, innocent, flirtatious, easily persuaded by men with knowledge of baser things. She was no lady that was apparent by the way she returned his stares as she ascended the staircase at Twelve Oaks and her open declaration of love to Ashley Wilkes in the library hours later. But fate had different plans for him this time and what a cruel mistress fate could be. In the time between the beginning of the war and his next encounter with the newly widowed Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton he could not get her out of his mind. Fate sealed her cruel deal the night of the ball when he bid for her dances and she shamelessly accepted in the name of "The Glorious Cause" defiantly proclaiming to him that she didn't care if he was Abe Lincoln himself, she was going to dance. He should have asked her then to marry him then but he was scared. Scared that she would laugh at him and throw her love for Ashley in his face. But his fear did not stop him from coming to call every time he was in Atlanta. He even caught himself on occasion imagining what it would be like to be married to her, that she and Wade were his family waiting for him to return from his voyages and blockade running.
That is the only reason he made Atlanta his base and why he showered the Hamilton's on Peach Tree Street with such lavish gifts. He was pretending; a fraud from the very beginning, that this family was his family. He had turned into everything in a man he despised and he couldn't care less. But admit it to Scarlett? Never! The closest he had come was the night he asked her to be his mistress. Originally setting out to propose marriage and declare his love but then taking the coward's way out the minute he sensed the slightest bit of mockery in her eyes. He almost asked her to wait for him at Rough and Ready but again, feeling the coward and ashamed of his true contribution to the South decided to wait. If by any chance he survived this fool idea of his he would propose then. Hell, he even had his mother send him his grandmother's ruby and diamond ring, a lady's ring nothing like the garish engagement ring he eventually gave her.
If it hadn't been for his damned need to avenge the attack of that young lady on his return to Atlanta, an ironic result of his newly found honor, he would have gone to Tara the moment his mother sent the ring to him. As it were, he ended up in jail with no way to get word to anyone and no way to plan for any future lest he be hanging from a rope in a few weeks. But did fate stop there, no. She decided he needed more punishment in the form of Scarlett showing up at his jail cell, declaring concern and caring only to reveal that she needed money and would do anything for it. A statement that she proved by marrying that old maid in britches Frank Kennedy before he could get out of jail and sweep her away. Perhaps the cruelest joke fate played on his misguided heart was Ella. The image of Scarlett and Frank making that child sickened him to this day. That any other man could have claimed her body in that intimate way made the bile rush to his mouth. So, again, he pretended. Pretended Ella was actually his; it was the only way to deal with the reality that she wasn't. Rhett was relieved when Frank was found dead alongside the road after the raid on Shantytown. He was beginning to think he would have to kill the man himself as his emotional and physical need for Scarlett only grew. His biggest regret was that he managed to save Ashley's life that night. He knew he didn't have to, but he couldn't stand to leave Melanie a widow: as if that mattered now that she was gone as well. And so like a fool in love, he ran to Scarlett the day of Frank's funeral and proposed. Again too damned afraid to tell her he loved her, hoping beyond hope that he could show her and that she would declare first. What a fool he was. And now the fool was returning home to lick his wounds. The train jerked to a halt and Rhett was woken from his slumber-induced mediation. He brushed the brim of his grey panama hat and positioned it on his head.
Rhett grabbed his travel valise and stepped off the train. The sun was shining and he could smell the salt in the air a slight breeze blowing the royal palms that lined the station platform. He looked around and found the small woman standing near the waiting carriage wearing a warm smile and showing unconditional love in her eyes. He faked a smile and waved at her kissing her on the cheek when he finally reached her outstretched arms, breathing in her familiar perfume. "Welcome home my dear" she said. "Thank you," he replied. "I can honestly say it is good to be home, mother." He helped his mother into the carriage then joined her and they left the station driving back to his boyhood home in silence.