Disclaimer: I own nothing, not FMA, or a waffle company, or a hamster.

OK, don't even ask where this came from. I don't even know.

When Eggo was eleven and his brother, Alfalfa, was ten, they committed a great sin. They attempted to bring back their much loved hamster, Fluffy, from the dead. The result was a disaster. Eggo lost his right arm and left leg, and Alfalfa lost his entire body. Eggo was able to save Alfalfa's soul by sealing it in an empty can of beans by using crazy glue and chewing gum.

Fortunately for Eggo, his next door neighbor, Whiner, was a former pirate wench. She was able to equip Eggo with a peg leg and a wooden arm with a hook on the end. Thus began a 51-episode quest to regain their normal bodies by searching for the one item that would aid them—the Red Rock. The two brothers began to research the Red Rock after it was mentioned in an Alchemist Anonymous meeting, which the emotionally scarred Alfalfa attended regularly. And, because violence is always the answer, Eggo enlisted in the military to learn how to create, or find, the Red Rock. And so our story begins….

Eggo sighed as he balanced Alfalfa on his wooden shoulder as the left the fourth jewelry store they had checked that day. "Why did we play God?" Alfalfa muttered miserably. "WHY!"

Eggo rolled his eyes. This always happened after Al was nearly recycled. "Well, that was pointless," He said to the aluminum can. "Time to report back to Colonel Sarcasm."

Colonel Mustard: Dog fiend, pervert, egotist. It was also believed that he had killed a man in the billiard room with the rope. Mustard wanted to make it to the top. There was no character on a board game named "Fuhrer Mustard", and half the people he knew didn't know what a Fuhrer was in the first place, so therefore he could confuse them. Fortunately for Mustard, he had many loyal soldiers beneath him, like his best friend, Lieutenant Colonel Hugs.

The sound of a hook picking a lock was Mustard's cue to hide his porno magazines and hentai manga. At the last second, he was able to make it look like he had been signing papers all day.

"Colonelllll." Eggo's annoyed voice floated through the door as he stepped in Mustard's office uninvited.

"Oh, where's that voice coming from? Eggo? I can't see him anywhere, he's too little!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT, YOU SPINELESS PITIFUL FRACTION OF A MAN!"

"Why Eggo, you've learned a new word."

Eggo crossed his arms as best he could. His hook ripped his jacket. "Little early to be starting with all the sarcastic comments, isn't it?" He said tartly.

"It's not my fault you interrupted my reading hour."

Eggo rolled his eyes. "I didn't think you liked to read on account of some words have more than one syllable."

Mustard decided to ignore the comment for now and use it to make fun of the other soldiers later. "Well, how did the assignment go?"

"It was a load of crap," Eggo said. "We didn't find anything."

Mustard tried to look cool as he gave Eggo his next assignment. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it—and if you don't, I'll make you anyway—"

"Typical," Eggo muttered.

"In the town of Waterville, there appears to be a stripper-slash-thief on the loose. Rumors have it…that she has access to a Red Rock."

"Well why didn't you say something before!" Eggo jumped up and ran out the door. Mustard waited a minute to make sure the coast was clear, then locked the door again and dug out all his magazines. Paperwork could wait.

Waterville was aptly named, as it was in the middle of a lake. After his third trip to the bathroom, Eggo decided it was time to gather information on this thief. Though they were arrested twice, the two brothers did manage to get enough information on this criminal, Sardine, and that she was set to rob a large mansion that night.

Eggo and Alfalfa waited quietly for Sardine to strike. "I don't know about you, Al, but I like stakeouts," Eggo said, shoveling more steak into his mouth. "Nothin' like a good dead cow for dinner." He made soft mooing noises. Al whimpered. Eggo crossed his fingers in hopes that Al wouldn't have another emotional breakdown. It'd be the third time this week.

The foul stench of fish wafted through the air. Eggo jumped up, balancing Al on his head. "That's her for sure!"

"You're a poet and you don't even know it, Brother," Alfalfa said.

"Oh come on, that joke is so overused."

Al sighed. "I guess so."

The brothers raced to the next room, Al nearly sliding off Eggo's head. They followed the fishy smell until they finally reached the jewel room. It was shiny and made Eggo happy. He was so dazzled he almost forgot the reason they were here. "So you're the one!" He called, pointing his hook towards the shadows.

Sardine stepped out of the darkness. "Kind of short for a police officer, aren't you?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT! YOU'RE SO SHORT YOU COULD SIT ON A STREET CURB AND YOUR FEET WOULD DANGLE!"

Sardine, who was a good six feet tall, merely stared at Eggo for a moment before starting to steal gems.

"Brother, shouldn't we—" Al started, but Eggo was off ranting again.

"YOU'RE SO SHORT YOU CAN DO BACKFLIPS UNDER THE BED!"

"I just stole all the jewels," Sardine informed the furious alchemist.

"YOU'RE SO STUPID THAT YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BASEMENT FOR A DEEP THOUGHT!"

"I'm leaving now!" And with that, the thief exited stage right.

"Brother!" Al said sharply enough to snap Eggo out of his insult hurling. "What's the military's number one motto?"

"Violence is always the answer," He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "What's your point?"

"She's getting away!"

"Oh." Eggo ran after her, accidentally dropping Al on the floor as he did so.

Eggo followed her in the dark down to the edge of the lake. "Catch me if you can!" Sardine called to him teasingly, as if daring him to take another step. He chased her and had nearly caught her before he tripped on a rock and fell flat on his face.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Eggo squealed, trying to find the pieces to his nose. He picked up the rock and chucked it at Sardine. He laughed when it hit her, calling, "EQUVILANT EXCHANGE FISH FACE!"

There was a shiny light and a deck of Old Maid cards flew out at Eggo, pinning him to the ground. "Greeat," He muttered. "Just great. Al? A little help here!" But the younger of the brothers was nowhere to be found. Realizing that he had dropped him earlier in the chapter, Eggo let out some rather inappropriate, then tried to find a way up. Nooo! Stuck on the ground, alone on a dark night with a stripper—slash-thi…wait a second…. A strange, mischievous grin crossed Eggo's face.

Eggo got a nosebleed as she approached him. She leaned over to him, giving the older brother her fishy, seducing smile. "Hey, this looks cool!" And with that, she ripped his watch off his pants and walked away, leaving him very disappointed, alone on the ground. Right by a lake. This would not be a fun night.

"But I don't get it, Brother," Al said the next day as the picked Eggo's soiled pants up from the cleaner's. "How did you get out?"

"Lucky plot hole?" He offered.

Alfalfa sighed. Stupid fanfiction writers. "This is what we get for trying to bring Fluffy back! GOD, WHY!"

It was Eggo's turn to roll his eyes and sigh. Was it the third time this week…or the fourth? "Al, shut up for a minute and pay attention." Too late. He was already gone. "Hey!" Eggo said, putting on the most fake, happy voice he could manage. "I'll buy you a popsicle if you stop freaking out after everything I say!"

"I can't eat it! WAAHHAAAA!"

"Oh, right…" Eggo recalled as his brother's sobs continued in increasing volumes. He tried to remember when the next Alchemist's Anonymous meeting was. "Ooh, look, a rat," He said, staring at the ground.

"That's a hamster, not a rat," Alfalfa corrected him promptly.

Eggo shrugged. "Same difference." He bent down to stroke it. "Oh, you're so adorable it's sinful!"

"He kind of reminds me of Fluffy," Al said quietly.

"Ow! He bit me!" Eggo exclaimed, pulling his finger away.

"My name is…Snugglebuns!" Something called to them in a squeaky, high-pitched voice.

"Did you say that, Al?"

"Nope."

They looked around for the squeaky voice, until Eggo felt the hamster gnawing through his pant leg. He picked him up. "Are you Snugglebuns?"

"DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL WITH NASTY, BIG, POINTY TEETH!" The maniacal hamster cackled.

Eggo dropped the screaming furball in astonishment. Al began shouting "why" in several different languages. They still had no leads on the Red Rock, had to catch a thief that smelled like fish and now had an undead hamster that wanted to kill them.

Great.

Yup, this one definitely fits into your "it's painful and humiliating at the same time!" category. And no, you're not crazy, there was a Monty Python reference buried deep in the fic somewhere… p

Sorry Al. v.v

Let the flames…BEGIN!