Our Bold and Fearless Hero
Blah, Blah, Blah. I don't own Calvin and Hobbes.
Spaceman Spiff sat in waiting. The Naggon was not an easy alien to kill, but such could be achieved. Suddenly, seeing his chance, he leapt out from behind a rock, firing his gun.
"Take that, you evil Naggon!" Calvin laughed as he hit Susie with a barrage of water from his water gun.
"That's it!" Susie screamed, enraged. "I'm telling!"
As Susie ran off towards Calvin's house, Calvin stared. He dropped down, loaded his gun, and prepared for action.
For you see Spaceman Spiff found himself up against another wave of enemies. But that's what happens when you're the intrepid Spaceman Spiff.
Calvin's Mother rounded the corner of the house, a sobbing Susie in tow. Undoubtedly, slight exaggeration had played a role in the recruiting of Calvin's major parental guardian at that time of the day, given that his father was downtown in an office that one could only peer inside the window by means of telescope, helicopter, airplane, or flying carpet.
Spiff readied his gun. Ready……… aim……… FIRE!
Calvin's Mother raised a hand to instinctively defend herself, but the effort was in vain. Water spewed forth from the gun.
"CALVIN!" An awful scream, as if emitted by Goliath at the Israelites. Calvin turned, and ran.
Late, that night, Calvin and Hobbes snuck out of Calvin's window.
"Are you sure this is right?" Hobbes whispered, trying to avoid being heard.
"Of course." Calvin sighed, as the two boarded the wagon awaiting them by a large hill with a ramp that they'd used to launch to Mars.
They took off into the sky……… into the air……… tying to escape to the red planet.
When the two landed again, they noticed that the land was not red, rather that they were in a hanger, as if inspired by Star Wars. Suddenly, a space pilot and a girl walked by, in love. The space pilot looked like a certain Spaceman Spiff, whom he was, and the girl appeared to be Susie, whom she was."
"Good luck, Spiff." Susie smiled, ruffling through his smooth, blonde hair.
"I'll be careful." Spiff smiled, peering into Susie's eyes.
"Oh, and Spiff………" Susie smiled.
"Yes?"
"Bring 'em back dead!"
Spaceman Spiff now fastened his mask then saluted Susie. Susie smiled and saluted back. Spaceman Spiff boarded his red spacecraft, turned it on, and lifted off. The Naggons had more coming at them now then they could ever have guessed.
"Spiff here." Spiff smiled over the audiovisual monitor at the front of his control panel. "Squad 19, form up. All units, form up."
The other ships, similarly shaped and colored, but lacking the distinctive char marks on all sides and numerous scratches, closed in all around Spiff into a cloud. Suddenly, the Naggon mothership appeared. Around it, the radar of all the ships was suddenly flooded with targets. Although Naggons have been known to drop their trash to flood radar, they currently had the upper hand in this engagement.
Spiff knew. Enemy fighters were approaching from all directions. He and his men were outnumbered at least twenty to one.
"Units 2 through 27, hit that mothership and try to draw their fire. Destroy it if possible. I'll lead you. The rest of you, go kick some Naggon butt!" Spiff ordered with a smile on his face.
"Go! Go! Go!" The other members of Squad 19 all cheerfully responded. Spiff turned off the visual, got at the head of a wedge, and sighed deeply, being careful not to let the noise go into the radio. Now was the time for them to strike.
However, Spiff suddenly heard a noise in the back of his ship. "Something's in here!" Spiff stated, trying to keep his cool over the radio. "Unit 2, take temporary command. I'll break off and try to take some of the Naggons down, and find out what the heck's in here!"
"Roger!" Unit 2's voice came over the radio system. "Form up!"
Spiff veered off, drawing six Naggon fighters behind him. He went down low on a planet, on as Mars is to us. He came low enough that he could have seen a dime on the ground were he not moving so monumentally fast.
This succeeded in nothing. All six dropped down as well. That was fine, Spiff reassured himself. He'd been up against worse.
Spiff suddenly cut off, looped around, and got in the rear. Firing, he took down two of the fighters, and sent the second one into a third. Three down, three to go.
As the wreckage of three Naggon fighters blurred past Spiff, the other three fighters dropped in behind him. They opened fire, flying in a perfect line.
Spiff knew that these were the times that his training had prepared him for. He got low onto the ground and began to lessen his speed. The ships came within a mile of him……… a hundred yards……… fifty yards……… twenty yards………
If Spiff hesitated now, even for just an instant, he would be taken down. But he didn't hesitate in the least. He swerved upwards suddenly, so close to a boulder that it scraped away some of the remaining red paint. Two of the Naggon pilots, the wingmen, did not escape.
Spiff realized what he was up against now. The Naggon King was not remaining on Zartok-35, as Intel reported. The Naggon King was shooting at Spiff.
Spiff understood what capturing the king would do- it might even cause the Naggons to declare a permanent truce! Spiff now knew that he would have to take his foe alive.
When on foot, there are infinite effective ways of taking a warrior alive. At sea, there may be up to two dozen ways to do so. There was no way here. Unless………
Spiff looked over his shoulder through the window, not concerned with whatever had disturbed his concentration minutes ago. His suspicions were correct. The Naggon King had a copilot and an ejector pod.
Spiff knew that, if he would lethally wound, but not instantly kill, his prey, then he could cause the King to evacuate. He went back towards the ground, only now even closer. The King followed.
Suddenly, Spiff broke to the left. The King went by, and Spiff opened fire. He'd hit an engine in a way that left the craft with exactly seventy-two seconds of life.
Inside the Naggon ship, the King indeed panicked, running for the escape pod. He jettisoned it and crashed on the surface. The ship exploded above his head, causing the parts to rain on him. Cursing in his native tongue, the King was knocked out by a large part of the ship.
Spiff then landed. However, rather than step out and grab the spoils of war, he immediately turned behind himself and saw a familiar six-year-old and a tiger.
"Calvin and Hobbes." Spiff sighed. "I've read a lot about you. I'm a big fan."
"The pleasure's mine." Hobbes smiled.
"Yeah!" Calvin exclaimed. "After hearing all those stories about you, we just had to see you in action……… we just had to!"
"Um……… yeah." Hobbes sighed. "To be honest, I'm here because he promised me a tuna fish sandwich."
"Great." Spiff sighed. "Get out." Calvin looked up as if he would cry, and Hobbes looked confused. Spiff decided to explain.
"Currently, there are roughly sixty men in the skies that need my presence to be rallied into victory. I need to radio a military unit nearby and tell them that the king's here. This kind of radio can only be used from the ground. If the men hear you, they'll think I've lost it, and they will lose for sure."
"Okay." Hobbes sighed, picking up Calvin and gently putting him on the ground, then placed himself down. There was a normal level of oxygen here.
"Commander Coriander Salamander?" Spiff asked into the microphone of the two-way radio. "Yeah. Spiff here. I've got the Naggon's king here."
Spiff then closed the connection and radioed the president. "Hello. Mr. Thomas Chestnut, Spiff here. I've got the Naggon king captured and a military unit coming for pickup."
Without waiting for a response, simply stating, "My men need me." Spiff turned off the radio, vaporized it, helped Calvin and Hobbes into his craft, and then took off.
"Calvin, Hobbes." Spiff began. "You may become afraid. Don't. Go into the bedroom, and watch this over the television there. My ship has a camera mounted. Please lock the door, so, should you hyperventilate, you won't break my focus."
Calvin and Hobbes, in utter admiration of the great hero, obeyed him to the letter. The two locked the door behind them and watched. Spiff got him thumb on the firing button, and his index finger on the alteration button as his left hand steered. Time to kill some Naggons.
"Spiff here." Spiff said as he turned the visual on again, and came over the radio. "What's the damage?"
"Units 7, 8, 29, and 18 lost." Unit Two's voice came over the speaker. "How did it go?"
"Six pilots killed, Naggon King captured." Spiff stated, a smile coming over his face.
"But only six followed-"
"The king had a copilot. You guys go back up the fighters and clean up their airforce, have 3, 4, and 5 accompany and cover me." Spiff dictated. "Oh, and, Unit Two………"
"Yes?" The experienced airman asked.
"The root beer's on me."
Spiff closed all connections but those with Numbers Two through Five. "All right, wingmen, form up, but stay far enough behind to cover me."
"Sir?" Number Four's voice came over the speaker.
"Yes, Wally?" Spiff asked.
"Look."
Spiff looked to his left, and saw a complete lack of fighters except for the friendly ones. The radar supported this.
"Woo-hoo!" Spiff shouted. "Let's blow this thing and go home!"
All the pilots, minus the four dead men, formed up and began gunning down the shield generators. Spiff hung back until the two generators died. Then, he let loose three missiles onto the command deck. The ship was destroyed then.
26 triumphant red fighters came back down to the base. Calvin and Hobbes walked out of Spiff's bedroom and into the cockpit as he landed. Spiff popped open the head and jumped out as the autopilot landed the ship, using a jetpack to break his fall.
Susie embraced him when Spiff got back. "Spiff, we thought that you-"
"What?" Spiff asked. "Going to die?"
"I guess." Susie smiled. "I'm stupid sometimes, aren't I?"
"Well, you could say-"
"Don't you know a rhetorical question when you hear one?"
"Come on, Susie……… there's free root beers out there!"
"Spiff, Spiff……… one day, all these bills will catch up to you-"
"The government pays my bills. It's a distinguished honor only I've won."
"Whatever." Susie smiled.
"Look, Suz, can you just give me a second to get something off the ship, then we'll go there?"
"Sure."
Spiff used his jetpack to shoot himself into the cockpit, where Calvin and Hobbes were waiting.
"Well, guys?" Spiff asked.
"COOL!" Calvin exclaimed, unable to hide his excitement.
"Thanks." Spiff smiled. "Look, your mom's probably noticing you're gone, so……… here." Spiff smiled, pulling his mask off his head and giving it to Calvin. "Have a souvenir."
"Thanks." Calvin respectfully said.
Spiff gave them directions to the largest ramp in the world that Calvin and Hobbes would need to propel their wagon back home. After a complicated scientific discourse, Spiff smiled and wound up saying, "……… or, you could just wake up."
Spiff saluted the two, then dropped down, took Susie's arm in his, and walked out of the hanger.
Suddenly, Calvin and Hobbes alike both sat up in bed both amazed. "Did you- How'd you- COOL!" Calvin and Hobbes both exclaimed as they turned over and prepared to sleep, when, suddenly, Calvin noticed a mask in a square shape with two white slits for eyes. "It couldn't be." He thought, although oddly perplexed. He shrugged it off and went back to sleep, allowing the topic to drift out of his head for the time being. Yet Hobbes still sat upright for a while, until he thought he saw the goggles wink at him. He decided he needed to sleep, and followed Calvin into a world of dreams.