Freedom is not free, it costs the lives of countless soldiers and civilians……
I remember the name of every comrade who lost their lives under me.
I wake up hearing to the sounds of their screams ringing in my ears.
Blank eyes stare back at me in my dreams, pleading me to help them.
Their blood covers my skin and no amount of soap and water will wash it away.
Their spirits follow behind me as I ride out of the gates into the open and unknown.
You just got back from your first expedition outside the walls and you were exhausted, not just mentally but physically and especially emotionally. You stable your horse and without a word you stomp to your room. On the way you accidentally bump into Captain Levi. You mumble an apology but he stops you when you try to go around him, he sees the tears in your eyes. He places a hand on your shoulder and says "Don't" and walks away.
You are stunned momentarily but come to your senses as you shout at his retreating back "We can't all be like you Captain, emotionless and cold!" He stops in his tracks and turns on his heel and is in front of you in seconds. His glares at you with his steel gray eyes and you see his anger at your statement.
"My office now!" he says and turns to make his way to his office.
You follow him begrudgingly, he opens the door and allows you to enter first, and he shuts the door silently behind him and motions for you to sit. You throw yourself down on the chair and huff out a breath.
"What is up your ass cadet?" he asks as he sits.
You uncover your eyes and glare at him "Seriously, you don't know why I'm upset. I just lost two of my best friends and all you can say to me is don't cry! What am I supposed to do?"
He stands up and makes his way over to the chair and squats down so he can be face to face with you.
"Your tears won't bring them back" he whispers as he tried to grab your hand.
"Don't you think I know that? I just want…. I want you to…" you trail off as tears form in your eyes again. He leans forwards to wipe them away but you pull away from his touch.
"What do you want from me?" he asks as he stands and throws his hands into the air.
"I want you to feel, I want you to offer me some words of comfort, I…." you stop mid-sentence.
He looks at you expecting you to finish your sentence but you don't, you stay silent and avoid his gaze. He walks over to his desk and pulls open a drawer and motions for you to come and look. You walk over slowly and peer down into the drawer and are speechless.
"Captain" you whisper.
"I have one for almost every soldier who has fallen under my command, these are my reminders, and these are my grief" he explains. You hand your head and take a deep breath before responding "How do you get through it?"
He nods and quietly says "Someone once told me don't regret it, that is how I get through it."
You wipe your eyes and nod in response. You pats your shoulder and passes you a handkerchief to wipe your face. You thank him with a salute and leave his office, you make a silent vow to yourself to keep fighting for your friends and to never regret your actions on the battlefield.