I never thought that I would write a Touhou fic. Oh well...
STORY RATING: PG-13/T For Teens. The story you are about to read contains mild language; crudeness/innuendo; comic mischief; use of drugs/alcohol and random references.
DISCLAIMER: The Touhou Project is the rightful property of Zun of Shanghai Alice. Though my knowledge of Touhou is limited, I do know that is has a colossal fan-base. This is just a piece of fan work from a relatively new fan.
TOUHOU PROJECT
2 AND A HALF GODS
PROLOUGUE
It's another beautiful day at the Moriya Shrine. The skies were pretty and cloudless. The woodland creatures were going on with their business without a care in (or about) the world. An attractive young woman was merrily attending her daily chores at the shrine. This is the stuff that happy fairy tales are made of. The earliest Disney animated films would be green with envy of this prologue. Of course, we may have to survey the woman-child's 'merriment' a little closer.
By the gods, this is boring!
Unfortunately, looks can be deceiving and such silly little fairy tales are transient.
I love my ancestor, but everyday is the same thing at this shrine, the main character of this story thought while sweeping fallen leaves into a pile. Where is Kanako-sama when you need her? I can surely go for another round of youkai extermination right about now. Sanae was nineteen years of age and she still lived with her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great... great... great... great... great... great-grandmother.
That was long winded. Okay, for simplicity let's just go with great-grandmother times twenty plus. Or how about divine ancestor? To be honest, the latter sounded much cooler. And speaking of the said ancestor...
"I'm telling you guys, I'm Suwako Moriya, the goddess of this shrine!" The little blonde girl wearing a dress with a frog motif sang. "Honest! Ya know, 'Highest of The Native Gods', 'Amphibian Deity' and other cool sounding high and mighty shit like that." Little Suwako was standing on a cardboard box, preaching to four children.
"You gotta be joking," a long haired twelve year old boy remarked. "You look like a ten year old."
"Hey, watch your mouth kid!" Sawako fumed. Even that hat of hers seems affronted by the child's remark.
"I have to agree with my little brother," A fourteen year old girl with long hime-styled hair stated. She was the oldest of the group of kids. "If you are a goddess then it's kinda hard to take you seriously."
"Listen here lil'mama," Suwako spat with a funny face. "When you make a donation to this shrine, you make a donation to me. And when you pray at this shrine, you're praying to me."
"Are you Kermit the Frog's friend?" The third child asked innocently. He was eight.
"Gaaahh... yaah..." the fourth child was a seven month old infant. She was being carried in the arms of the oldest child.
"Well, maybe you can prove to us that you're a goddess," The oldest child suggested. "I, my little brother, and my little cousins here visited this shrine three times this month with Miss Keine's guidance. I donate money and I pray here a lot."
"Oh, you sure are right about praying here," a grin formed on Suwako's face. "You better believe that I listen to em' too. Once, you prayed for gaining the affections of an older boy that lives in your village." The young girl eyes widened in surprise and the little goddess' grin widened with mischief.
Sanae heard her ancestor's claim and sighed. That wasn't nice. You shouldn't put that girl in the spotlight like that, Suwako-sama. You even cussed in front of them.
"Plus, you really admire my lovely descendent of mine whose sweeping leaves over there," the frog goddess indicated at Sanae. "You think of her as a role-model and you hope to have a figure like hers when you grow up- boobs and all."
"HEY!" Sanae glowed bright red in color.
The girl's mouth hung open. "Wow!"
"As for the little man right here," she focused on the girl's younger brother. "The last time you prayed here you hoped that you could somehow get your hands on your uncle's adult doujinshi game collection that he brought from Kourindou's..." she paused for a moment in recollection."... and you want the latest Family Guy DVD box set for your upcoming birthday."
Now it was the twelve year old's turn to be stupefied. "Dang."
Suwako's grin was victorious. "I told you guys that I'm a goddess. Tell me that I'm wrong. How's your faith in me now?"
"Moriya-sama that would be enough for today," Sanae said as she approached the group. She had a smile on her face but deep down inside she was very annoyed by her ancestor's shenanigans. Sanae was sure to have a word with the little goddess later. She bowed before the children. "Thank you very much for visiting us today. May the gods bless you for countless days."
"Yeah, I got ya back," Suwako followed as she placed her hands on her hips dramatically. "All you have to do is believe in me. If ya don't have faith in me or any of the gods for that matter, you may as well be looking forward to an early appointment with Shikieiki."
"Moriya-sama!" Sanae shrieked. "Don't try to scare them!" Her ascendant really shouldn't be talking about the said yama to little children. Shikieiki may appear to be a frilly little loli with an enormous responsibility and a deep voice, but she is indeed one of the most intimidating beings in the fandom.
"Heh, I was just kidding around with them," the child-goddess giggled. "I mean, c'mon, who would believe that after someone die that person will get to be judged by a young woman with a thigh-highs fetish that basically gives out road maps to Hell?" She scratched her head with a sheepish chuckle and the children quickly dismiss themselves. The children gathered around their escort, the Human Village's sentry, Keine Kamishirasawa. The said history teacher gave the Moriya inhabitants a courteous bow before heading back towards the village.
"You're impossible..." Sanae muttered. "The Judge of Paradise is the last thing you should be talking about to those kids."
"Eh!" Suwako wondered in fascination. "Is that what people are calling her now. Wow... over the eons she has been known by many many names: 'The Garish Yama With Magnificent Legs', 'Beautiful Gate of Oblivion', 'The Judge Even Pheonix Wright Fear', 'Highway To Hell', 'Conviction! Conviction!', 'The Rapping-Rhyming Magistrate of Damnation' and..."
MEANWHILE IN HIGAN...
"Hell... hell... purgatory... hell... hell... hell..." Shiki spoke in monotone while filing paperwork of countless souls of the deceased. Today was busy (as always), and she has just well over a hundred thousand souls to arbitrate in merely two hours into her shift. "Purgatory... hell... hell... heaven... hell... hell... reincarnation..." She suddenly sneezed. "Achoo!"
"Gesundheit," the regard came from her subordinate, Komachi Onozuka.
"Thank you." The otherworldly jurist nodded with a sniff. "There's someone in the mortal realm talking about me right now."
The well-endowed ferryman pause the gameplay on her Nintendo DS. "Ya don't say...?" Tch. You should not be at all surprised, Shiki. Your reputation is hugely known in darn near any realm.
"Meh," Shiki Eiki shrugged and resumed her work. "It's just another day in Paradise. Okay, let's keep it moving people. Eternity awaits. Heaven... hell... hell... hell... hell... reincarnation... Oh, you're break's over in another minute, Komachi. Shouldn't you be on your way back to the river?"
Darn it! Komachi thought with a sigh of defeat. At this rate, I'll never beat Contra 4 on Hard mode.
BACK AT THE MORIYA SHRINE...
"Yeah, that Shiki is some piece of work," Suwako giggled as she went inside the shrine. Her granddaughter followed along. "Once, I heard that she sent an entire civilization to hell. Heck, it was her that doomed the dinosaurs."
"Hmm... being a Yama must be an extraordinarily tough job." Sanae said warily as she took off her sandals. "I wonder if deep regret courses through her sometimes..."
"Shoot, that girl enjoys her job immensely," Suwako remarked with a roll of her eyes. "She's been doing the job so long I guess that she can't help it but to enjoy it."
The amphibian deity's statement brought consternation on her descendant's face. "That was... a pretty odd thing to say. Maybe there are some things in this world and the next that one shouldn't dwell on about."
"You're right about that, granddaughter." Suawako said as she makes her way towards the kitchen. "I'm going to brew some tea. Turn on the television and let me know if anything interesting on it today."
Sanae's eyes lit up with stars in them. "That's right. Maybe I can catch a rerun of last week's episode of K-ON! or Amagami SS."
Suwako gave her descendant a look. She wasn't exactly big on watching anime shows. Actually, when it comes to television she prefers soap operas, crime dramas, and American sitcoms. However, she was familiar with said anime. "Wait... those shows are still airing?"
"Are you kidding?" The Moriya miko gave the little goddess a look of disbelief. "They're practically two of the hottest anime on air right now. And they're in demand too. There's a movie in the works and an extra arc that has recently been confirmed. Respectively."
Well she sure is excited about the news, Suwako sighed. Welp... I wonder where Kanako has gone off to. She knows that I'm going to make tea today and knowing her, she loves my tea. I guess she's going to do a little overtime in gather faith.
Suwako gazed outside the front door and noticed a couple of dark clouds over the horizon. Or not... What is that girl up to now? I hope you're not up to something crazy again, Kanako.
MYOUREN TEMPLE
Shou Toramaru watched the scenario before her in interest. Two girls were bickering amongst one another over... something trivial. At least, that's what the tiger youkai thought. She stood with her akimbo underneath the tori entrance of the temple with a look of interest. Shou was perhaps (at least in the author's opinion) the most boyish of all the women in the fandom. She was rather tall, standing at an impressive five feet ten inches in height. The Bishamonten disciple was dressed in a burgundy and ginger colored robe. A tiger pattered sash was adorned on around her waist- which is fitting due to the fact that she's a tiger creature. Her golden hair is short but thick, and there's an ornament that's shaped like a lotus on her head. She was a stern woman but right now she couldn't help but grin at the two individuals at the bottom of the temple stairs.
"I found it first, Nue!" The first female disputed. A cute creature with mouse ears on her head. "It was wondering around the wilderness all day."
"Oh yea? This little cretin's still alive?" The second girl droned. This chic young woman was a nue, a very legendary and fearsome creature in Japanese myths. Coincidentally, Nue was also her name. Sleek and sexy, the nue said "I'm surprised the pup's not in a youkai's digestive system by now." Suddenly, a mischievous grin etched on her face. "You know what, Nazrin? Maybe we can have him as a snack. I've heard from a few youkai mentioning that stray dogs are delicious. And I've never tasted dog before. So what do ya say?"
Nazrin blanched in horror at Nue's proposal. "Ew! No! I'm not letting you harm this little guy... er, girl?" Nazrin scrutinized the puppy in her arms. The only thing she was certain about the baby canine was that it was a foreign breed. "At least... I think it's a girl."
"Well, take a look underneath the mutt and find out what gender it is," Nue suggested succinctly.
"No way!" Nazrin retorted. "You might as well tell me to violate the poor thing."
"Hey," Shou spoke at last, gathering Nazrin and Nue's attention. "Maybe we could let Anee-san help us find out what species of dog it is."
"Are you sure about that, Shou?" Nazrin wondered while holding the puppy like a infant human child. "I don't think we should interrupt her right now. She's been meditating for hours."
"Tch. You wanna worry Hijiri just to know what the hell kind of species this mutt is?" Nue scoffed. "Nazrin, if you would have come up to me with this bull crap, I would have to kick your dowsing ass."
The cute mouse youkai began mean-mugging the alluring nue. "You know what; it's just like you to be difficult about the simplest of things. If it was up to me, I would have kicked you out the temple a long time ago." Nazrin and Nue stood mere inches apart, electricity crackling between their glares.
"Girls! Girls! Girls!" Shou giggled sheepishly. She really didn't want to be caught up between another one of their bouts. "All this animosity between you two over a puppy? C'mon now, if Anee-san catches you two fighting again..."
"The dog's a male," a new voice said. It was a woman's voice. The tone was a smooth alto and jazzy. "And I believe that he's a North American Husky."
"It's you," Shou acknowledged the visitor. The new comer was a rather voluptuous female that was dressed in crimson and black. Her puffy violet hair breezed along with the wind. Oddly enough, there was a mirror on the center of her shirt along with a giant knotted rope on her back. These adornments however, seem to enhance her already magnificent presence. The woman was tall, almost even with Shou in height. "What brings you here today, Lady Kanako?"
The storm goddess gave the Myouren girls a gracious bow. "I would like to speak with Byakuren-san. Will you grant me this request?"
Nue gazed at the goddess for a long moment, and then a memory dawned on her. "Hey, if I'm not mistaken, you're the mother of the girl that goes by the name Sanae Kochiya."
Kanako diverted her attention to Nue. "Yes I am... in a sense."
Nue didn't like how the goddess' pearls jiggled with the slightest motion. Breast envy, much? "You... you've created a monster!" She exclaimed.
Nazrin decided to put aside her dispute with Nue and joined the said youkai in antagonizing Kanako. "Umm-hmm!" She nodded vigorously.
Kanako lifted a brow. "Excuse me?"
"She kicked this thing to the curb," Nue indicated towards Nazrin. In turn, Nazrin gave Nue the middle finger. "She revels in bullying poor Kogasa and she was completely merciless against me. What's worse, she doesn't even fear the unknown. Do you have any idea of how irritating that is?"
Kanako gave off a musical chuckle. "My... it appears that my child has build herself quite a reputation." She noticed that Nazrin and Nue's eyebrows were check-marks. "My apologies, ladies. The girl doesn't know her strength sometimes."
Nazrin pouted. Nue placed her hand on her forehead with a sigh. "That doesn't surprise me at all, Lady Kanako," said Shou. "Your reputation was even revered back on the continent. Isn't your disciple- Sanae, right? Isn't she a mortal god?"
Kanako nodded. The tiger youkai was well-traveled and knowledgeable. "Sanae is powerful, of course. However, we all know humans often overestimate themselves. This is also true of my child. She does believe that she is a goddess since she managed to obtain a victory over the Hakurei miko in a training duel. It was a tough victory but a victory none the less."
The Hakurei name rang familiar to the three Myouren youkai. "I see." Shou contemplated. "I remember encountering the red-white priestess. She helped us broke Anee-san's seal."
Nue had a blasé expression on her face. "Okay, so... what do you need to speak to Hijiri about anyway?"
"It's just a little something that's been roaming in my mind for a while now." Kanako replied, hoping that Nue wouldn't make the foolish mistake of challenging her. For a legendary monster, Nue was rather voguish and modern looking. Plus, the svelte monster had heart. Kanako was really starting to like this girl. "Nothing major, and it will not take much of her time."
"Well isn't this an interesting turn of events?" Said a dulcet voice. "Interesting indeed..."
With collective gasps, the trio of youkai whipped their visage towards the temple entrance. There stood Byakuren Hijiri, magician, youkai savior, and arguably the most beautiful woman in Gensokyou. She was a majestic specimen of the female species. She stood roughly five feet six inches tall and her body mass bore wonderful curves. Her gradient violet/brown hair was long and wavy. The superhuman wore a black and white frock that reaches her knees. Interesting thing about the dress was the way the torso of it hugged her chest with straps similar to a corset. If one can ignore her bountiful figure for a moment, you can see that she also wore a cape.
"Anee-san," Shou acknowledged her benefactor. "You have a visitor today."
"It's a lovely day, is it not, Yasaka-sama?" Byakuren beamed warmly.
"Agreed, child." Kanako replied in kind. By Kanako referring to Byakuren as child, is... rather fitting. After all, Byakuren may be around roughly a thousand years old, Kanako was still more than twice her age. "I'm certainly glad that I decided not to brew a rain shower today."
"This is rare, Lady-Kanako." Byakuren clasped her hands together in delight. "One of the most revered of the eight million gods... here at our doorsteps. It's truly an honor. Why won't you come inside?" She indicated towards the entrance of the temple.
Noticing Hijiri's open friendliness toward the storm goddess, Nue grew a tad upset about it. "Hijiri! What are you doing? What if that mean ol' priestess of hers decides to come over here to look for her?"
"Don't worry about it," Kanako answered reassuringly. "Sanae didn't mean any harm. The scuffle between you guys was a big misunderstanding."
"A big misunderstanding?" Nue repeated the goddess' words in disbelief. "That girl nearly crippled us. Hell, Kogasa still cries like a baby about the beating from her even to this day." After Nue's complaint, the puppy in Nazrin's arms decide to hop to the ground. The baby dog seemed to move around in urgency. After a moment, Nue felt something wet trickled on her left leg. "What the hell! You little furry son of a-"
Nazrin interrupted, "Well it is a dog, so that would make his mother a bitch."
Nue shook her shapely leg furiously in disgust. "I guess that term applies to female mouse youkai as well."
Nazrin gritted her teeth in a rage. "Why you little...!" In the blink of an eye, both Nazrin and Nue transformed into a huge cloud of dust- complete with swinging limbs, comic book effects, and numerous insulting cuss words.
Shou and Kanako proceeded to put an end to the fight. Byakuren sighed sadly while stroking the puppy that just hopped into her arms. Humans fight amongst one another. Youkai does the same. Humans and youkai kill each other when the opportunity presents itself. Some things never change.
MORIYA SHRINE
Sanae was staring intensely at the LCD high-def television set before her eyes. Every minute or two, she would inch closer and closer to the screen. Whatever Sanae was watching must have been a hell of a good program. The young godling was blushing in anticipation. "Oooh!"
Suwako, on the other hand, didn't have the same sentiments as her bubbly descendant. "What? Geez, is this really something to get excited about?" The miniature deity was giving the TV show the skunk-eye. She propped her right arm on the floor with her elbow while munching a bag of apple flavored snack chips. "This is one cheesy ass show."
Sanae whipped her attention at Suwako with an angry pout. "Shh! She's confessing to him," she informed. "Junichi's in for the shock of his life."
"Whatever," Suwako used Pyonta to fan her face. "The girl looks like a combination of the other girls in the earlier arcs. I kinda like the other girls but I personally like the student president chick the most. Ya know, the bipolar one that was kicking the guy's ass."
Sanae faltered for a second. "Oh, you mean Tsukasa. Well... she's okay, but her mood swings sort of freaks me out."
"Yeah! Tsukasa!" Suwako confirmed. "She's the perfect example of an ideal modern woman: a woman that doesn't take any crap from no one."
"If that's the case..." Sanae displayed a mischievous smirk on her lips. "... then the student council president will grow up to be an old maid."
"Grrgh!" Suwako almost choked on an apple chip when Sanae mentioned 'old maid'. "Tch. Wow Sanae, thanks for reminding me that I'm quite possibly the oldest living being in Gensokyou- no, the world." Well, her descendant's quip wasn't as nearly as offensive as the time when Yukari Yakumo referred to Suwako as ma'am. Even the most powerful youkai in existence showed some respect to her elders... the very few of them, that is. Once upon a time, the gap youkai inadvertently made Suwako so angry that the little goddess was willing to prove to the world of the difference between her and Yukari's power. Somehow, fate functions in mysterious ways...
Meeting a young girl with long violet hair equipped with a vine centuries ago was a prime example. Of course, this was long before Yukari was even born.
Ah, the fluke of 2300 years, Suwako thought. She remembered the great upset on that faithful day clearly. She remembered the child's determined face. She remembered everyone in her ancient kingdom mocking the grape-haired girl. She remembered sensing the wondrous power that was coursing through the child, unbeknownst to all but herself. Suwako remembered relinquishing her kingdom to that little girl. She remembered. Suwako remembered...
Kanako didn't have those big melons of hers back in the day,' Suwako thought darkly with a cackle. She even sounded like the old lady that she was. But she was an adorable little thing back then! Yes she was! The little blonde tadpole was now grinning like the Cheshire Cat. She should have showed that teenaged storm goddess whose boss.
"Heh heh heh... Gyah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" The wicked laughter that escaped her could have made Mima blush.
"Uh, Suwako-sama," Sanae diverted her ancestor back into the present. "Someone's approaching the shrine." She could see a silhouette in the distance. The visitor was a winged creature. "I doubt its Hatate. She just sent me a text just now. She's over at the Forest Of Magic."
Suwako gathered herself to her feet. "Hmm... could it be Mystia?"
"It's not her," Sanae relayed.
"Aya?" Suwako wondered and joined her descendant at the door.
"Afraid not," Sanae disconfirmed.
"Wriggle? Star Sapphire? Daiyousei?" Suwako questioned in rapid succession. "That little retarded ice fairy that I can't stand?"
Sanae shook her head, seemingly nervous. "None of the above. The visitor's not a fairy at all. So, that would mean..."
Suwako bit her lip in thought. "Okay. Now that you said that, I'm afraid nobody else comes to mind." She suddenly noticed that Sanae had brandished her gohei and took on a serious demeanor. "Hey, what's wrong, Sanae?"
"Look." Sanae spoke in a very serious tone.
Sure enough, the visitor landed on the shrine grounds. The visitor was a woman. A tall woman whom has long dark hair and a pair of large raven wings. She was strangely attractive and her eyes were a haunting red color. The iris of her eyes were shaped like symbols- more specifically, they were shaped like nuclear symbols. She wore a simple white short sleeved blouse that was frilly at the bottom of it. Her green miniskirt was quite stylish and it reached to the middle of her thighs. The large green bow on the top of her head gave her a schoolgirl look. Now, on to the strangeness of her wardrobe; her right arm was encased in something that seems to look like a lean cylinder. The cannon was light brown in color. Her right foot was covered in something that looked like a glob of clay and her left foot had atoms encircling it.
But the most peculiar thing about her outfit was the large red eye on the center of her shirt. This strange shining orb was even noticeable between her fairly ample bosoms. By now, the visitor should be very familiar to whoever's reading by now.
The girl scurried around the shrine yard as if she was searching for someone. "Unyu! She's got to be around here somewhere."
Suwako gritted her teeth. "F... f... ffffuuuuu-"
"You there," Sanae was slowly approaching the raven woman.
"Girl, what in the world is you doing?" Suwako hissed, worried for her granddaughter's safety. "If you ignore her, maybe she will go away." Sanae ignored the diminutive deity and continued her cautious pace towards the stranger. "Hey! Come back inside this shrine this instant, young lady!"
"It's okay. You just have to trust me," Sanae reassured. "Okuu may be super destructive but that doesn't mean that she would start a fight for nothing. The people from Hell I know are surprisingly civilized." At that moment, Okuu uprooted a tree and searched the spot where it used to be. "Or not."
I pray that you're right Sanae, Suwako hoped. She heard tales of Satori's loyal pet and Kanako's vastly powerful monster. A memory suddenly flooded her mind. It was young Kanako again. She was standing over the floored Suwako. The wind god's long violet hair breezed in the wind and her wide innocent eyes held mercy for her enemies. The Kanako she encountered over two thousand three hundred years ago was a vast contrast to the Kanako she knew today.
Back then, I never would have dreamed that you were capable of creating such a powerful creature, Suwako thought gravely.
"Reiuji-san," Sanae was now standing before the hell raven. "What business do you have here? Should you be back guarding the fires of Old Hell?"
Okuu eyed the young wind priestess of miracles for a moment. Everything got quiet... too quiet. In fact, it was so quiet you could hear only the wild cicadas of Youkai Mountain right along with the rustling of tumbleweeds. Wait...
Okuu's face suddenly light up with recognition. "Sanae-chan!"
The gohei hung limply in Sanae's hand. "What...?"
"...the hell?" Suwako finished for her descendant. Her eyes were huge white dots.
"Sanae-chan!" Okuu giggled like a little schoolgirl and charged at the wind priestess. She lifted the teal-haired girl in a bear hug (with one arm!). "My gosh! It's been a while since I've last saw you! How have you been doing, girl?"
The cracking of Sanae's bones and tearing muscles were heard. "Ugh... I've... I... bee... been..."
"Huh? What you say, Sanae-chan?" Okuu wondered and finally noticed that her miko friend had passed out in her embrace. "Wah! Oh no! I'm so sorry, Sanae-chan! I've forgotten all about how frail the people above the surface are."
"Urrgh..." was the sound Sanae made.
"Damn!" Suwako cursed as she suddenly hit the floor.
END OF PROLOGUE
Next in Chapter One:
The awesome duo of Reimu and Marisa makes an appearance. The Three Mischievous Fairies encounters a wandering satori and we get to find out the reason for Kanako's visit to the Myouren Temple. Plus, Suwako once again reminisce the good ole days when she ruled her kindgom. Oh yea, and Kanako used to have long hair. It's just my interpretation of the teenage storm goddess around the time she encountered Suwako, who may have been already a couple hundred years old. Writing this chapter was both fun and rather difficult. I find it very hard to write Nue for some unexplainable reason. Seriously. I hope somebody would manage to let me know how I did with her because I have mixed feelings about how I portrayed Nue.
Til next time.