AND I COULD FLY
A/N: THIS IS A ONE SHOT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTER "NO SURRENDER" BY AGGIE ESCOTT. I thought it needed to be told. Pb
After everything that happened.
All of that pain.
The horror of it all and now this.
I am holding him in my arms and I heard that final breath and I heard those words from between his battered lips. Someone is touching me. I don't know who it is. My eyes are fixed on that mouth. The mouth which said those words and I see falling onto his face drops of water and it takes a while to realise what it is. I move one of my hands and wipe at the tears with my finger tips. I wipe them off Aaron first and them away from my own eyes.
'Spencer.'
Someone is saying my name, but I don't know what they want and so I ignore it.
'Reid.'
A female voice, Emily's voice. I think it is her hand on my arm too. I can see someone else touching Hotch. I think it is Derek. I see his dark hands against Aaron's battered white flesh and I scream. Only I think I am the only one who can hear it. Strong arms are on me now. Pulling me away from him. Taking me away. I turn and yes, it is Derek.
'Leave me alone.' I snap at him and again wipe angry tears away, no, no not angry, sad tears. Lost tears.
And now there are two of them. Rossi and Morgan. They have my arms and they are pulling them over their shoulders and removing me from the room. Back up the stairs away from him and inside I am still screaming.
-o-o-o-
A large funeral.
A lot of people, but I'm not sure what is going on. I have spent my last days in a fog. I know Morgan has spent time with me and I know Rossi has but everyone else? I really don't know.
Morgan is with me now. We are dressed smart. In dark suits and I am much too hot. The sun is shining down and people are crying and I look around me and I can see Morgan is at my side as is Rossi. Emily is next to Rossi and I can see her face is too pale and her eyes covered with shades. I don't want Emily here. I don't want Emily near me. She took from me the one thing I needed. She took it. She wasted it. He didn't want her. I look around for Aaron. Where is he?
My jacket is buttoned up so slowly I undo them and I feel a bit cooler. I push it back off my shoulders and let it slide down my arms to the floor where I let it lay. I can see out of my peripheral vision that Rossi bends down and picks it up and I feel a hand on my arm.
'Are you alright kid?' Derek is asking me. I turn and look at him and bite on my bottom lip. I don't know how to tell him, I don't know how to explain that I don't know why I am here. I give him a quick nod and hope it is enough to settle the concern I can see on his face. It seems to be. He turns again and looks towards the casket of dark wood sitting there surrounded by artificial grass. I blink and try to concentrate on things. Maybe it will make more sense if I knew who was dead.
The tie is too tight around my neck. I pull at it and remove it from around my collar and then slowly begin to undo the top couple of buttons. I can see people are watching me. I can see Haley is looking at me and the look isn't too kind. It makes me wonder again where Aaron is and my eyes flick from Haley to the casket and back again.
I see him laying in the filth.
I see him lying in a pool of his own blood.
I hear those words he said to me and again I feel that dying breath as I hold him.
'No.'
I say it quietly.
I say it to myself.
'This isn't right.'
Again the hand on my arm. 'Come with me Reid.' And again Derek is talking to me. 'You don't need to see this.'
'What's happened?'
The world is spinning around my head and I can see everyone is staring at me. I am pulled away from the people looking at me and I can see their faces. Some look sad some look shocked. A couple are just blank.
'We can go back to the car kiddo.' Morgan tells me but as I walk away and I see Rossi with my jacket and I see Emily looking back at me I get images flashing through my head again.
I want to go back. I want to tell Aaron things I need to say. I want to stroke that dark wood but I feel again the world begin to spin and I feel a pain in my head like I've never had before. I tear my arm away from Derek and put the heels of my hands to my head to try to stop it. 'No – please no.' I say but it is but a whisper and it doesn't stop me from sliding from this world and dropping to the floor and feeling the damp grass against my face and again I think I am probably screaming, but only in my head.
-o-o-o-
Day two.
I think it is day two. Maybe it isn't. Every day feels the same. Perhaps this is day five, or even one hundred.
'Spencer.' Someone says to me. 'Time for your meds.' And I think I might be in hospital but I don't want meds. I don't want to end up like mum. I need to remember. They must understand that I need to remember.
'No.' I mutter to myself and start to walk away. I think. Maybe I am standing still and the world is moving around me. I really don't know. It doesn't feel like I am moving. I cant feel my feet stepping one and then another but how else will the I be here now and there before. I can turn around and look behind me and there is an empty room. I can turn around again and it will be busy. This place is confusing.
-o-o-o-
My room:
The walls are a pale yellow. The room is longer than the bed, but only just. I think sometimes, I wonder if it is a prison. I know it's not my home but that's OK…maybe it is Hotch's. There are no pictures on the wall. There are no cupboards. Just my bed and this is where I am sitting now waiting. He visits every night now. At first he didn't. At first Morgan would come to see me and I don't know why he was here in Hotch's house. I told him to go. I told him to get out.
'I don't want you here. Get out and leave me alone!'
I shouted at him. I had to do it a few times before he did stop coming. I don't need him.
Emily came to see me too. 'I'm so sorry.' She would say to me, but I don't know what she was sorry about. I think maybe she and Aaron are back together. I'll ask him later.
'I would rather you didn't visit me.' I told her and she told me that she was feeling bad because of all the time lost and so I hit her. I don't think she was expecting it. They dragged me off her and she was cowering on the floor as I kicked out at her and then – I don't remember what then…but she never came back.
The only constant visitor I have now is Hotch and for a short while, Gideon.
'Son.' Gideon would say to me and I don't want to talk to him. I refuse to play chess. I have to throw the chess board across the room and again I am dragged away. They stick needles in me. They sometimes strap me down, but Gideon came back. He talked slowly to me like I was damaged and I talked slowly back to him.
'Please stop coming to see me.' I told him. 'I don't need you. I have all I need and I have no room for you in my life.' I told him. Eventually he stopped coming back.
-o-o-o-
My visitor:
I sit on my bed. I sit here a lot and they try to encourage me to mix with the others, but I don't need to talk to them. I have all I need here.
'Spencer.' He says and I look up and Hotch is standing there in his work suit. His hair needs cutting. I like it when it's a bit longer like that.
'Hi.' I say to him and I smile. I have him tonight. Not Emily. He is here for me and he sits on the bed next to me and he puts his arm around me and I slide sideways onto the bed and curl up and he lies behind me and wraps his arms around me.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I think I might be screaming. They come running in and Hotch gets up and leaves and they try to comfort me but I don't know…
-o-o-o-
I sit in the lounge area and wait for him. I come here every week and sometimes Spencer will happily play chess and sometimes he will shout and throw things at me and tell me to leave. Then there are the times I sit with him and he rests his head on my shoulder and he cries.
They tell me he is locked in his own peculiar world.
They tell me that he thinks Hotch comes to visit him. I want to talk to him about it but the doctors have told me not to. Not yet. He is still too fragile to cope with that. I pick up one of the chess pieces and roll it around in my hand and wait for him and maybe it is another wasted journey and maybe I am just doing this to sooth my own guilt, but I can say "At least I tired." I put the chess piece down and get up to leave. I have one last look around me before I go.
Will I come back again? I don't know. I really don't know. I leave a letter for him at reception. It explains why I may not be back for a while. I don't want him to feel abandoned.
I really don't think I am helping him though.
-o-o-o-
I've a nice day. I spent it walking in the gardens with Hotch. They followed me around. They tried to listen in on my conversation but I whispered and he whispered back to me. He held my hand and he touched the side of my face and when we were down by the water feature he kissed tears off my face and ran a thumb over my lips. He told me he was sorry. He told me that he loved me. He told me that he died for me.
'I need five minutes alone.' I say to the people following me. 'Just five.' And they shake their heads and tell me that isn't possible but I have to be alone. They wont let me do it. I know they will prevent me. I have to figure out how to get back to Aaron.
I am so tired of fighting this barrier.
I am so tried in my head and my body. I just want one of two things to happen and either one will be good. I sigh and dip my fingers into the water and them lick it off. As I bend over Aarons hand touches the back of my neck. His fingers run over my cold skin and he says something in my ear. I look up at him and I smile.
I have a plan.
Slowly I walk back towards the place I am living. It is strange because from out here I can see it is a hospital of sorts, but from inside I know it is Aaron's home. He puts an arm around me and I turn and smile at him and we whisper words to each other again.
We are nearly at the doors. We are nearly back when Hotch takes my arm and we start to run. I hear my voice being called and I can hear feet on the shingle behind me, but we are too fast. I start up the fire escape stairs and Hotch is in front of me and I am pounding up the metal steps and I can hear my name being called. 'Spencer NO!' But I keep going.
At the top. We are at the top and I can still hear them running up behind me. Hotch takes my hand and we walk quickly to the edge of the roof. There is a small ledge and we can stand on here and look down the five floors to the parked cars a long way below. Aaron stands behind me with his arms tightly around my middle.
'Spencer stop!' I can hear them shouting.
One step is all it took,
and I could fly.