Since it's been well over a year since I've written any fanfiction, I suppose this one could be considered a practice round to shake off the cobwebs and get back into the swing of things. It didn't turn out too badly though.
I don't own Naruto, of course. I'm glad I don't XD
Please review if you would be so inclined.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb.
-Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd
Sometimes, when it's late at night and he can't sleep, Orochimaru starts to remember things. They're not always bad things, and not all of them are that unpleasant. But they never fail to leave a bitter taste in his mouth.
(He really hated nights like these.)
It was late enough that even Kabuto had retired to bed. So it seemed he was all alone in his memories.
Sarutobi. Stupid, useless old Sarutobi. He used to believe the old fool meant well, that he didn't mean to sound harsh or cruel when he berated Orochimaru for small things. Like when he was so young and afraid and -
Don't cry over it. A shinobi must never let their emotions show.
-My parents were fucking murdered, show a little compassion!-
You must control yourself. Never let them know you're angry or afraid, even if they just killed your best friend-
-Tell that to Tsunade. I'm sure she'd love to hear it.-
Sarutobi was never as hard on her or Jiraiya. It was always Orochimaru that had to bear his wrath, that had to endure his callousness. He would be lying if he said he weren't a bit resentful about that.
How was he supposed to control his emotions? He was only a child, and the whole damn world was fighting, how could he be expected to when he was just a boy...just a boy…
But he learned. As time passed and the war raged on, he learned.
He wanted to stop feeling. All he wanted to do was go numb so he would forget everything…
(So maybe he abused the painkillers they were offered after his missions a little too much. But really- was it any worse than Tsunade's drinking?)
(It's at this point that Orochimaru resorts to those old comforts. The usual painkillers don't do what they used to, but Kabuto is good at making new ones.)
So he could smile again. It was a lifeless smile, but it was enough to fool people. He grew from a boy to a man, turned heads, had sex, and killed people. Not an atypical life for a shinobi.
He likes to think that Jiraiya and Tsunade were smart enough to see through his lies. They knew him too well and spent too much time around him to not know when he was lying through his perfect teeth.
Well...maybe Jiraiya was too stupid. But Tsunade knew. She had to know.
But she couldn't understand.
She could never understand. She'd lost her lover and her brother when she was already grown. Sarutobi only ever treated her with kindness, because she was the First's granddaughter. She never lost her parents when she was too young to understand why. She never saw the other side of Sarutobi that seeped out like sludge whenever he had a bad day...
But he did. Orochimaru knew it too well.
There was so much hate...so much anger. Orochimaru was too young when he learned that Sarutobi Hiruzen was not as kind as he claimed to be.
The bruises on his body healed with time, but the bruises left on his heart never went away. They accumulated and festered until the entire thing was black.
-The drugs are starting to take effect now. His eyes feel heavy and his limbs are going numb.
He wanders back to his bedroom to try and sleep the bad memories away.
On the way back, he spots Sasuke returning to his own room, white as a sheet, his eyes wide and afraid.
Orochimaru doesn't offer any comfort. He's used to this by now, and, even if he wanted to, nothing would soothe those old wounds.