Hi all, I know I haven't written in a while (updating soon hopefully!) but after watching last week's episode, I just felt like I needed to fill the void that was left in my heart. So this is a one-shot about Quinn dealing with Finn's death. I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Cory, forever my favourite Canadian. Hope everyone is doing okay, sending you all hugs 3
She gets the news at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday night. She's in the middle of studying for a test, and normally she wouldn't answer but it's a rarity for him to call her so she picks up.
It takes him a minute to speak. And Quinn instantly knows something is wrong by his silence and heavy breathing.
"Puck…" she probes gently, after a few minutes of dead silence.
"Finn…he…" he starts to talk, but can't seem to say the word out loud. It gets caught in his throat. This isn't real. This can't be real.
Before she can fully process what's told her, Quinn picks up her coffee cup and slams it's across the room. It hits the wall with a bang and immediately shatters upon impact, shards of glass hitting the floor. A sob escapes her lips, followed by another one, and suddenly she can't breathe and the world is spinning and she feels like she's going to throw up.
She doesn't say another word, but he can hear her sobbing and screaming into her pillow. But he doesn't hang up. He stays on the phone with her all night long.
…
She takes the earliest train to New York. She doesn't even ring the doorbell to their apartment, just walks in and immediately locks eyes with Rachel. Before she knows what's happening, Kurt's arms are wrapped around her. Her wet cheeks are pressed against his shirt and she can smell Santana's perfume and Rachel's lavender shampoo mixing together.
It's all so familiar but so different at the same time. Nothing will ever be the same again. She hates it.
"I'm so, so sorry Rachel," Quinn sobs, her arms wrapped tightly around her friend.
She can't breathe, and she feels like she's going to pass out in the middle of the living room. But she holds it together, choking back sobs.
"I'm so sorry for taking away time that you could have spent with Finn. You could have had more time and I…"
"He loved you too you know," Rachel interrupts, wiping away her tears. "I wouldn't have done it any differently."
Quinn doesn't say anything but instead buries her face deeper into Kurt's shoulder, muffling her sobs. She instantly feels guilty… because the love of Rachel's life just died and yet she's the one who needs to be comforted.
…
"Are you coming to the memorial tomorrow?" he asks her.
It's been a few weeks since the funeral, and a nightly phone call between them has become a common occurrence.
"No."
Her one-word response lacks emotion, but she can't help it. This is what she does when things get tough. She pushes everything away from her. She pretends everything's okay. Because how else is she supposed to go on without him?
"You need to be there Quinn."
"I can't."
Her answers make him flinch with anger.
"Why?" he questions, anger seeping through in his tone.
"I just...I can't."
"You know, hiding your emotions isn't going to change anything," he snaps. "It won't bring him back." Even as the words leave his lips, Puck knows it's more directed towards himself than to Quinn.
"Do you think I don't know that?!" Quinn screams back. "Do you think that I don't think about him every single day! How he's never coming back? Is that what you really think?"
He starts to apologize, but he's left with the harsh sound of the dial tone.
Quinn slams her phone down on the counter. She buries her head in her hands and curses herself for not being strong enough as the tears fall down her cheeks. She grabs the bottle of tequila of the counter and takes sip. The alcohol burns in her throat. And for a brief second, it nulls the pain.
….
Everyone else has left Lima for home, wherever that may be now.
But she's just arrived.
She just couldn't do it. Everyone was back at McKinley to be together for the tribute, but all Quinn could think about was how they would never be whole again.
He would always be missing. A part of them would always be gone.
Finn was the glue. The glue that held them all together.
She stands alone on the football field, her skin prickled with goosebumps in the crisp night air. She looks up at the stars and knows Finn's looking down on her. She can feel it.
"I'm sorry," she says out loud, still looking up. She's sorry for cheating on him with Puck and then lying to him about the baby. She's sorry that she tried so hard to keep him from Rachel and that she used him to win prom queen. But most of all, she's sorry that she couldn't keep save him.
A tear falls down her cheek, but she doesn't wipe it away.
She hears the sound of footsteps behind her and turns to find Puck walking towards her. His hands are shoved in his pocket, his gazed directed to the ground.
He doesn't say anything as he stands besides her.
"I'm sorry for snapping earlier..." he says after a few minutes. "I just..."
"I know," Quinn replies. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for not coming. I booked a plane ticket and everything, but then it just hit me all over again, and I just...I couldn't. I don't want to believe it's real."
"I know, I get it. I mean, I may have removed the memorial tree..."
Quinn looks at him appalled but slowly starts giggling, her giggles turning into laughter and he soon joins in.
"Finn would've liked that, you know?" Quinn says, turning to face him, a smile gracing her lips.
"Yeah I think so, but I think he also would have been proud of me for replanting it," he adds, smirking. "With a bigger tree of course."
"Of course."
They stand in silence for a while, both staring up at the stars above them.
"He made me better," Quinn admits. "Before you came, I was thinking about the time we all dressed as zombies for the football team. Santana, Britt and I were going to ditch glee for the cheerios. He found us waiting for the bus," she continues.
She bits down on her lip, willing the tears in her eyes not to overflow.
"I was scared. Scared to make the right choice. But he told me that I was strong enough, even though I didn't think I was."
She looks back up at the sky. She lets a tear falls down her cheek, and she can taste the salt in her mouth.
"And I'm grateful for that moment every day. For the last few weeks, it's the first thing I tell myself in the morning and the last thing at night. It's the only thing that's gotten me through this. But I just...I can't help but wonder if it'll ever get better."
"Probably. But that ache – it'll never really go away."
He sits down on the grass, letting the dampness soak into his shirt as he lies back.
"Maybe that's okay though..." Quinn says softly, following his lead and lying down beside him. "Maybe it's not a bad thing, it's just a reminder that he'll always be there with us."
Puck turns to look at her, their eyes locking. "Yeah, I think so too."
He reaches for her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers.
They stay like that for the rest of the night - hands intertwined as they look up at the stars. And in that moment, they know that Finn is there with them.