A/N: Okay, just to clarify, this is not going to be the run of the mill "people get stuck in Middle Earth". Seriously, I mean it. The first major distinction is that there's not going to be any weird and unrealistic romances between anyone. My real motive for attempting to write this story is actually just to play around with the "getting stuck in Middle Earth" thing and maybe make things less cliche and more humorous? Anyway, this is just the introductory chapter for my characters, so no real Middle Earth until the second chapter, assuming I decide to write a second chapter. Please let me know if you want me to write more of this, because frankly I'm not entirely sure if I should do a whole thing for this. Also, in case you didn't catch it in the description, these characters have sewer mouths (just fair warning).
"Hey, yo, Anthony, I'm not messing around when I tell you that I fucking hate it when you speed like this,"
Anthony looked at me for a split second, his sunglasses perched on the tip of his nose. There was no need for these stupid sunglasses, because it was 10:30 at night in the middle of January. But if I was going to be honest, I'd have an equally stupid pair of sunglasses perched on the tip of my nose if I wasn't extremely visually impaired and my contact supply hadn't ran out last September. Whatever, I thought, pushing up the greasy bridge of my old and over-sized cat eye glasses. I need these things.
"What do I always tell you, baby?" he says, running his hands through his hair that was the color of an almond in the faint light of the streetlamps. His hair is meticulously parted, and resembles a style someone from some 50's prep school would have. Maybe a little early New Wave too, like Morriessy or something in the 70's.
"Hey buddy, I hate to tell you this, but you don't 'have a need for speed'. You really don't. You just like scaring the shit out of me."
He shrugs and chuckles, still slowing down a little, because regardless of anything else, it's January and he's a big sissy at heart.
I pull down the sun visor, flipping open the smudged mirror. The yellow light faintly comes on, and the effect on my face is a little eerie looking. Sliding my left middle finger underneath my glasses lens, I swipe away a little sleepy in the corner of my eye, stained black from my smeared eyeliner. My grey eyes are either the color of a "stormy sky" or a dirty wet dish rag, depending on how you want to look it it.
"Look, are we stopping for snacks or what?" I asked in a whiny voice, knowing that there is no way I will be spending an entire night with Anthony in the woods if we don't have fresh snacks and cigarettes.
"Don't worry, man. Just a few more minutes."
Anthony and I continued down the road in silence for awhile. Although it's January, every so often Anthony and I will spend a night out in the woods together on a weekend when we have nothing else to do. Not necessarily spending any time sleeping on these overnight excursions, usually we'll just munch on junk food and listen to music until the sun begins to rise. Then we head back on over to Northern, our college of choice.
Our little spot nestled out in the woods is only a few minutes away from the dorms on campus, but nonetheless it feels far away enough to be considered a "night out", so to speak. Where we live, the woods are always close by, and Lake Superior is never too far from reach. Even though I've lived in Michigan for all my life, Marquette has always held some romantic appeal to me. NMU was always not only one of the only options available to me (studying was not my gig), but the only college I even really wanted to go to.
Apparently, regardless of Anthony's preferences or grades, he wanted to follow me out of the suburbs of Detroit anyway. He was too needy to do whatever he wanted without me, and at any rate I don't think I would have been comfortable without him loitering around me like he'd been doing for the last 5 years. We'd met and started dating freshmen year in high school, and ever since then we've been the only people to be able to tolerate each others antics and facetiousness.
Finally, we pulled into the little continence store, the cold air biting us as soon as we exit the toasty vehicle. Jogging inside, I quickly started pulling items off the shelf. The regular items will do; assorted candy bars and some sunflower seeds. I also fill up a 44oz fountain drink with Coke, which I consider the most holy and savory of any soft drink choice.
Anthony and I usually alternate who pays for our snacks, and it's my turn to fork out the cash tonight. As we pile our items on the counter, I request two cartons of Parliament cigarettes to the clerk, a pasty and overweight man who displayed a dead front tooth when he smiled at us cordially.
We leave the shabby little convinience store, satisfied and somewhat excited, when I bump into an older man as I was looking down to make sure my wallet was back inside my purse.
"Shit! Sorry, man," I say, looking up at the fellow who almost caused me to spill my soda.
We lock eyes, and this dude has to be the creepiest looking guy I've ever seen. His hair is long and stringy, black with white strands dangling down here and there. When he smiled a cooked grin as a form of apology, he made the clerk inside look like someone from a Colgate commercial. His eyes remained fixated on mine for a little while, and I felt slightly paralyzed under his gaze.
He suddenly broke his odd gaze, and patted both me and Anthony hardily on the shoulders. His touch made me shudder, and it felt like something had slithered down my spin. I looked over at Anthony, who was looking confused and somewhat frightened.
"No harm intended, eh? See you kids," the man said, his voice raspy.
This was a man who has not had an easy ride, I mused, looking at his old and beat up tennis shoes. Anthony and I nodded, and parted ways with the weaselly guy.
As soon as we got into the car, Anthony and I looked at each other with knowing and wild grins.
"What the hell was that about!" I yelled, breaking out into a cackle as Anthony followed suit.
I helped Anthony arrange his drink and snacks into the cup holders, and he started the engine with a shaky hand. I took a sip of my soda as the car groaned to a start and looked out of the window. As I looked up, the grimy man was exiting the building with an awfully unsettling look on his face.
"Uh, Anthony, that creep is coming back. I don't know about you, but he makes me nervous as shit,"
"Don't Do Me Like That" by Tom Petty was playing softly on the speakers, which somehow made the scene feel more surreal and scary. The man appeared to be coming straight for the car, and his hands were stretching and waving over his head, a manic looking grin plastered on his face.
"Anthony, get us the hell out of here," I said, gripping the side of my seat.
Just as Anthony slammed on the gas petal to leave, the man slammed on the trunk of the car, the thud resonating inside my skull. I felt extremely anxious and worried, and while I was looking in the rear view mirror, I could still see his figure standing in the parking lot, waving.
"Jesus Christ, man, that was freaky," I said, looking at Anthony, who appeared pretty pale himself.
"Yeah, that left a pretty bad taste in my mouth. Did you see there wasn't even another car in the parking lot? I don't really know if I want to go into the woods anymore after that."
Part of me agreed with this, but another part of me knew that these snacks had to be utilized properly.
"If I hadn't paid for this shit tonight, Anthony, I'd agree with you."
"Lana! Come on, we can just take it back with us. Maybe we could eat it in the Burger King parking lot or something. I'd feel a lot better if we did that."
This was an enticing proposition, and I considered it seriously for a few moments. The Burger Kind parking lot wasn't that bad, after all. But still, we went to the woods for a reason, and we shouldn't let one weird guy spring out of nowhere and ruin it for us.
"Nah, man, let's just tough this out. He just spooked us, that's all."
"Yeah? He just 'spooked' us? That's what they all say. Next thing you know, your dismembered body parts are being fed to his pet pigs or something after he's finished having sex with our corpses."
I laughed at the ridiculous statement, shaking my head in the pale darkness.
"Anthony, don't be paranoid. Let's just stay for a little while, okay? Maybe we'll just listen to one CD and leave. Sound good?"
Anthony sighed, rapping his fingers on the steering wheel, staring straight ahead.
"Fine. But I will not be relaxed for-"
Suddenly, Anthony cut himself off and started screaming and swerving over the road.
"Dude! What are you doing?"
"Lana, did you see that?"
"See what? What are you talking about?"
I looked up and tried to focus my eyes on the dark road, looking for whatever it was that Anthony had seen.
"It was the guy! I swear to God!"
"Anthony, come on, you have to be kidding me. You're just messing around."
Anthony whipped his head around at me, his face contorted in confusion and fear. I was puzzled by this expression, because he certainty didn't look like he was just trying to josh around.
Without any warning, I heard a big thud and felt one of the rear tires slam onto the pavement. I looked at Anthony, who was too focused and afraid to look back at me. I still gripped my soda, my knuckles turning red, waiting for whatever was happening to end. As soon as I heard that mental scraping on the ground, though, I knew we were in for something.
"Uh..." I said as Anthony pulled over to the side of the road.
"Okay, I have no idea what is happening. But focusing on the facts right now, I do not have a spare tire."
"Anthony! Christ, how can you not have a fucking spare tire? What do you expect us to do?"
"I don't know, do you get a signal here?"
I pulled out my phone, the screen lighting up my face as I concentrated on putting in my pass code. As the thing was opening up, I felt Anthony shove my arm.
"Lana, look!"
My head shot up, and my heart stopped as I finally saw the man approaching us. Without thinking, I flung open the car door and starting booking it into the woods on the side of the road. Absentmindedly, I still had my Coke and phone in my hands, my purse slung over my shoulder. I was too terrified to do anything else but run, the soda sloshing around in the large cup.
I heard Anthony's car door slam, and soon noticed him running after me.
"Lana, what the hell are you doing?"
I didn't respond, and I focused entirely on my running, clinging onto the soda cup as if it would somehow save me from being fed to the pigs after this guy had his way with Anthony and I.
"Lana!" Anthony called again. "Wait just a goddamn minute," he said, his voice becoming strained.
I stopped for a second, and while I stopped, I could feel my leg muscles contract, definitely not used to any sort of physical exertion.
"Jesus, were you just going to leave me high and dry back there?"
"Listen, I'm sorry pal, but what the hell else was I going to do? That guy is probably still after us!"
"No, Lana, I don't think so."
"What? You were the one who saw him first. How can you say that for sure?"
"Well, I can't, but hiding out in the woods is even worse than being by the side of the road. At least if we're by the side of the road then someone might see us."
I thought for a second, deciding he was right.
"Okay, fine, but grab that big stick over there," I said, pointing to a large stick lying on the ground next to Anthony. He nodded, and picked it up, holding it out in front of him like a spear.
The both of us started walking back towards the car, and I took sips from my agitated soda to try and calm my nerves. After awhile, though, it started to seem like the walk was getting a little excessive.
"Anthony, I really don't think we ran for that long, did we?"
"No," he said, looking around, still holding onto the branch for dear life.
"Well I'm not seeing or hearing any goddamn road," I said, becoming increasingly concerned.
Anthony's head perked up moments after I said this, though, and he looked at me with another terrified expression.
"Look," he whispered, using the stick to point ahead. I peered out, looking for whatever it was Anthony was talking about.
"What? I don't see anything."
"Look carefully. There's a smoldering little fire ahead."
"Fire?"
"Shhh, just look," he urged, still using the stick to point.
I focused my eyes as intently as I could, and suddenly I began to see what he was talking about. A slow little cloud of smoke rose into the air and seemed to hang there in the heavy and cold night.
"You think we should go check it out?" I asked, not really seeing any other viable options at the moment. Anthony stood for a minute in silence, chewing the fat on the situation.
"I don't think we have any other choice," he said, his grip tightening on the branch.
We both took an uneasy breath and crunched our way over the brittle forest floor. The fire wasn't too far away, and only took us about a minute to reach. When we arrived, Anthony and I looked around for any other signs of life.
"Hello...?" I called out gently.
Suddenly, there was a swooshing metal sound from behind us, and figure with a hood pulled over its face approached us in the darkness. They appeared to be holding out a... a sword? What kind of freaks were hanging out in the woods tonight?
"Woah!" I heard Anthony yell when he saw the sword.
"Strangers! Who are you and what business do you have? Speak quickly, and you sir, drop your branch."
The man's voice was authoritative, and Anthony abruptly did as he was told, the stick hitting the ground with a thud and holding up his hands as if he was being held at gunpoint. I internally groaned, knowing that Anthony would crumble under pressure. He was practically useless when it came to stuff like this.
The man flung his hood off of his head, and just as I was beginning to wonder why this nut was hanging out in the woods dressed like some turd from the middle ages, my heart stopped when I saw his face. Both Anthony and I looked at each other with a synchronized turn of the head in shock.
"Holy shit, is that Viggo Mortensen?"