The One That Got Away
By ImprecantesStellam
So I had no class today, and finished classes early yesterday, and so I just decided to write this random one-shot. Please tell me how you like it! I really would love some honest feedback on how to be better. I wrote this within the span of about two days! But this was written November 2011.
Nine years. It had been nine years: three-thousand, eighty-seven days. It had been seventy-eight thousand, eight-hundred and eighty-eight hours. It had been four-million, seven-hundred thirty-three thousand, two-hundred and eighty minutes. It had been two-hundred and eighty-three million, nine-hundred ninety-six, and eight-hundred seconds since Big Time Rush disbanded. And each second had felt like an eternity.
It had been nine years since the jubilant Hispanic had last performed a reckless stunt for the amusement of himself and others. It had been nine years since the pale genius had last successfully finished a slew of science projects, math assignments, English essays, and history presentations within the span of one night for his brothers. It had been nine years since the conceited 'face' had last mysteriously conjured random head-shots of his face from out of nowhere. It had been nine years since the emboldened leader last pulled together his brothers for a scheme to ensure their brotherhood stood strong against the tides of time.
It had been nine long, toiling, blistering years for all four brothers.
In nine years, Carlos had managed to successfully settle down as a bachelor. Those three-thousand, eighty-seven days had matured the boy physically, yet he still remained the carefree, jubilant youngster who enjoyed frightening the local children by sliding down the slide at the playground. There was an ever-present twinkle within his eye, a twinkle that resonated joviality and youth. It was a portal to the time where bills, money, and responsibility was a shadow of the future. He enjoyed his time as a police officer, embodying himself within the footsteps of his father.
Carlos was the first to hear of the news. He had dropped his cell-phone and rushed over immediately. It was as if his entire adolescence was slowly shredding to pieces, and he immediately handed over all of his cases to his deputy, catching the first flight to Los Angeles.
In nine years, Logan had easily facilitated himself through medical school, shining brightly as a student, and earning the adoration and covets from female peers for his pop-star past. The seventy-eight thousand, eight-hundred, and eighty hours had given the boy all of his dreams that he had cast aside for Big Time Rush—the dream of finally earning a medical degree, the dream of making his loved ones proud, and the dream of being respected. He still maintained his short stature and large eyes, but he had a much more well defined profile, and his daily jogs provided him with an impeccable health. Within Logan's eyes were a brightness that provided all those around him the opportunity to witness his growth from a nervous, and shy aspiring doctor to a confident and assured man.
Logan was the second to hear of the news, as he had been on call for the entire night. Instantly, upon hearing the morbid news, Logan packed up all of his belongings and rushed for the nearest flight to Los Angeles, inwardly dreading the realization of what was to come.
In nine years, James had reached the apex of his dreams. He was a prominent model within Hollywood, and was no social light-weight. He was invited to practically every possibly party there was within the area, and wherever he was, there was bound to be a slew of sleazy paparazzi. His flawless features and bright smile, despite the four-million, seven-hundred thirty-three thousand, two-hundred and eighty minutes, had won himself into the hearts of the millions of people who adored and pined for his mere attention. James had a sparkle in his eyes—a sparkle that indicated success, fulfillment, and complete happiness.
James was the third to hear of the news. He had been shooting a commercial for Cuda products, when his manager had connected him to the frantic woman and suddenly, James found himself in his limousine, rushing over to the mansion as fast as traffic could allow.
In nine years, James, Carlos, and Logan had found themselves successful, happy, and confident. They had defeated their insecurities, and latched onto the cruise to happiness. Yet, within those slow two-hundred and eighty-three million, nine-hundred ninety-six, and eight-hundred seconds, Kendall Knight found himself falling. He had stood so high and proud, that his fall was met with a loud and rough, bone-splintering crack. Somehow, he had ended up at the bottom of the world, instead of his dreams of being at the top of it. Kendall assumed he had it all figured out, but now his once proud and confident face held numerous lines of forced maturity and hints of abuse. His eyes had lost the mystifying emerald glow that had once captivated thousands.
Kendall was the last to hear of the news—he had finished his prison sentence, and had been checking his phone calls when he identified one very special number—a number he thought he would never see again after nine years.
Somehow, by a stroke of fate, all four boys ended up at the residence of Ms. Kelly Wainwright, who stood decadently in front of them, with her signature pose and erect stance. However, her large eyes were moist, and her lips were pursed with reservation. She gave a glance to the four boys in front of her eyes, and somehow, within seconds, she watched them grow from their eighteen year old selves to their incarnations, nine years later.
"Gustavo has passed away, and in his will, he wanted you four to be at his private funeral," Kelly sobbed quietly, as she watched something horrible form before her very eyes. She was unsure as to about what she felt more remorse—her best friend and boss's untimely death, or the invisible walls suddenly built between the four brothers. It was as if the four had never met each other before in the entirety of their lives. Kelly had never been one to question time, but suddenly she found herself wondering how powerful and cruel it had been to the strong friendship that had once united the boys and become infectious to the entire environment of Hollywood.
With curt, terse nods, the four boys agreed to attend the funeral and give their final graces to the man who gave them what every child dreamed of—the attention of a million fans. The silence was pervading and mocking, but Kelly thought nothing of it. Yet, when Kendall suddenly excused himself for a "quick second", when Logan excused himself for an "urgent call", and when James found it necessary to "respond to a text message", Kelly and Carlos gave each other a knowing look. Along with Gustavo, Big Time Rush, and all the unity and strength for which it had stood, had perished into unrecoverable specks of dust...
James found himself sitting at a nearby fountain, the one that his friends would escape to whenever rehearsal would get to be too much for them, or when Gustavo's face would resemble the color of the ripest tomato. He pulled out a loose one-dollar coin and flipped it into the crystal clear water, watching it rise with uncertainty, shine with brilliance when it reached its summit, and then watched it slowly drop gracefully into the comforting waves of the bright water.
"Hey you," A voice with lost confidence whispered, as James clenched his fists. A rush of emotions flooded his body, but he kept his emotions in check. It was like a simple shoot—where no matter how he felt, he had a role to play, and he would play it with an impeccable amount of dedication.
James turned, his hair swishing to the left slightly, as he was met with the dullest pair of green eyes he had ever seen in his life. James wanted to feel sympathy, but he had none when it came to his former friend. He felt as if it was what he deserved, no matter how close they had once been.
"Hey," James simply replied, keeping his gaze on the other man. There was a light, unkempt fuzz growing on the others chin, and there were coarse lines embedded on the dejected skin of Kendall Knight.
"How have you been doing?" Kendall idly created conversation, as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared off into the horizon. For a moment, James thought to end the conversation with a simple 'fine', but with respect to the friendship the two once shared, James cleared his throat and continued to gaze at the man standing above him.
"Fine," James uttered, quickly adding on more to his breath, "just shooting movies and commercials. Typical life." James shrugged with nonchalance, although he inwardly wanted to see a flair within the other boy arise and engulf his body in a fiery passion. Yet, nothing happened.
"Cool," Kendall commented, silence suddenly sneaking past the two boys and surrounding them. They watched as the water guzzled out of the clear fountain, and as the cars honked incessantly at each other in frustrated traffic.
"Remember that this was the spot where we used to escape Gustavo's wrath?" Kendall whispered, as he suddenly conjured a white rod from his pocket. James scrunched his face as he smelled the familiar scent of burning tobacco. However, with hopes of escaping the incorrigible scent, James took a deep breath.
"Was it?" James murmured, hoping to effectively end the conversation and find a convenient method to escape the binding conversation. As he tried to escape the labyrinth, suddenly a new alleyway found itself facing James.
"Guys?" Logan's naïve voice rushed over James and Kendall, as they saw the wealthy doctor making his way toward them with his hands stuffed in his pockets. James blanched slightly, as he realized that time would slowly bind him forever to this spot, rendering him unable to leave.
There was a sudden understanding between the three of them—neither of them wanted to be here. They wanted to be there for Gustavo, but they had never wanted to be at this stage of life, where to even think about talking to one's former best friend seemed like a Herculean task. It was an excruciatingly painful phase of life, that seemed to smack each boy in the face with a rush of emotions.
"So how have you been doing James?" Logan suddenly asked, his voice quivering slightly. James shrugged, as he looked away as Kendall took another whiff of his cigarette.
"Fine, just doing movies and commercials," James laid it on calmly, as he pulled away several loose strands. The high turbulence of the wind suddenly found itself strangling each boy in a choke-hold, as if their friendship had shifted from a once proud stole, to a strangling serpent.
"Cool," Logan replied coolly, as the three continued to stand against the bitter wind. Kendall finished his cigarette, and for a moment, considered pulling out another stick, but decided against it. James continued to look at both of his friends, both of whom were avoiding glancing at each other. James squinted for a moment, as suddenly, he saw something he had never seen before between his friends.
"You're a doctor now?" Kendall asked roughly, as Logan blinked for a moment. James watched their subtle body movements. As an actor, he knew that it was not only about the dialogue and the face that made an actor powerful, but instead their subtle movements and nuances brought upon by their voices. James could see that between the two, there was something occurring that James was suddenly beginning to notice.
"Yeah," Logan nodded calmly. The wind continued to blow harshly as the three stood to themselves, preferring to try and warm themselves alone, instead of congregating and using each other to keep warm. It was painfully obvious that everything had changed between the brothers. Never would they have had so much silence in between their words. Never would they have ever felt such a reservation when it came to discussing something between each other.
"What have you been doing?" Logan asked, his nose pointing straight at Kendall for the first time in the conversation. James noticed the lack of acknowledgment toward Kendall—his name had not even been mentioned once under Logan's breath, and it was as if Logan was still keeping his oath to abstain from profanity.
How nine years had truly changed people.
Kendall gave a sheepish grin, as his eyes met James for a quick second. And in that quick second, James was shocked to see the eighteen year old Kendall grinning with confidence and cockiness, embodying every trait a leader would have desired. Kendall yawned slightly, stretching his arms and pulling down his sleeves. Instantly, James knew what was about to unfold, and chose to watch it with a curious silence.
Kendall's arms were no longer the brazen, golden arms of strength and courage he would use to fight off bullies for Logan or haters for Carlos and James; they were corrupted, contaminated, and deflowered. Kendall was no longer the same person he had been when they all lived in Minnesota together.
Logan's eyes widened, as James clicked his tongue silently. Logan was renowned for his medical expertise and vast intelligence, and even as a singer of Big Time Rush, Logan was always cherished by the media for using his immense intelligence and fervor for academia to help charities and other kids. It was often amusing to see Logan reply to fans through social networking in the form of helping them with their homework.
James believed he was the only one who kept a glance on all of his brothers. He knew Logan moved to Maryland, away from all the stress of California, and the memories of Minnesota. It would be too much for him to handle. Moreover, with prestigious institutions like Johns Hopkins, Logan fit right in with the area. James knew that Carlos remained in Minnesota, swarming himself with the memories for which he had nurtured and kept alive. He had trained himself to be a police officer, to be a superhero. It all made sense for the three of them—they followed this innate dreams, and became exactly who they wanted to be. Except for Kendall.
"Those...Those are injection marks..." Logan breathed as suddenly his hand grasped Kendall's wrist and he analyzed the marks across Kendall's arm with an exhilarated concern. Logan's breathing suddenly sped up and became painfully obvious. James closed his eyes for a dramatic blink; he knew what was happening, and he had predicted it mere minutes ago in his mind.
"Yeah," Kendall panted, as Logan continued to grab his arm and move his finger slowly around the bruises and marks. Suddenly, within the gentle green emeralds and the sweet chocolate kisses, there was a passionate spark brought to life. James caught it as soon as it left, and Logan immediately released his grasp on Kendall's arm, thereby effectively killing the spark.
"That was irresponsible of you," Logan stammered, his nose held up high in the air with an unreadable emotion passing by his eyes. James was impressed—he believed he was the only one who could withdraw his own emotions and keep them to himself. He had prided himself on always being able to hide his emotions and read the emotions of his friends, but nine years changed a lot, it seemed.
"Was it?" Kendall echoed James's response, causing the star's cheeks to blush slightly. Suddenly, there was another wave of silence washing over the trio, as the guzzling of the fountain created a tranquil noise, calming all of their racing hearts. Nine years ago, if anyone had told James that he would never be able to talk to his friends again, he would have punched them square in the face, and walked away, scoffing. But, suddenly, when James lost the ability to do so, he realized how truly blessed he had been to even perform the simplest of conversations with them.
"So who's the lucky girl?" Kendall whistled, as Logan's cheeks flushed red. Instinctively, Logan's hands were immediately rushed to his pockets, but James saw the glint—there was an engagement ring on Logan's ring finger. James was further impressed with Kendall's acute observational skills; even James had managed to miss the golden band.
"When did you start smoking? And doing other things?" Logan retorted, his eyes filled with latent heat, melting his warm chocolate gaze into a mix of emotions. Kendall snickered, as he decided to pull out another cigarette, as if to blow the smoke into James's and Logan's face. They watched him pull out a pious white rod, and ignite the tip of it, and inhale from the golden filter with expertise and finesse.
"When I was nineteen," Kendall replied simply, "a year after—"
"Her name is Camille Roberts," Logan murmured, effectively cutting off Kendall's breath and widening James's eyes. He could still see the two of them holding hands, and sharing sweet secrets with one another under the deep moonlight. It was a beautiful relationship when they were sixteen, and it was only through Camille that Logan acquired the confidence and empowerment he needed to improve his singing and dancing.
"So you and Camille, huh?" James decided to chime into the conversation. He and Camille had once lip-locked, and it had caused a major rift between Logan and himself, but that was foolish teenage love. There was nothing to it, and it was simply a kiss. However, marriage was another league. It was varsity compared to the feelings they felt ten to eleven years ago.
"I saw one of her performances, and we talked after the show, and it went from there." Logan shrugged, his hands starting to shiver. Silence acquainted itself between the boys again, as if it was an old friend. However, Kendall suddenly threw off his leather jacket and placed it gingerly on Logan, sparking another flame. For a moment, it looked as if Logan was about to throw away the jacket and stomp off in his usual fit of anger, but he remained immobile. Instead, he seemed fixated on Kendall, as if psychoanalyzing him.
"What's that on your back?" Logan pondered curiously, as James blinked, squinting his eyes slightly. He saw a small inking on Kendall's shoulder, which obviously led downward. Kendall grinned again, as if he was a child showing off a toy at show-and-tell. He reached for the hem of his shirt, and without any shame or disgrace, Kendall stripped off his shirt, despite the heinous wind. Logan's eyes widened along with James as Kendall's sculpted body hosted two tattoo's on the back, and several more burn marks and bruises. The boys had seen each other shirtless a countless amount of times—enough to make any fangirl envious, but James had never one imagined seeing so much destruction and demise on a single torso.
"I got a few tattoo's." Kendall grinned, as he suddenly placed his shirt back onto his torso. Logan pursed his lips, and took a deep inhale, as James stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, wondering how much longer he would have to play this mundane role. It was not the mundane touch to it that bothered James, but instead the pain he received from playing such a simple and insignificant role.
Luckily, for James, his phone began to buzz, and he found an escape. He immediately withdrew his stylish iPhone, and answered the call, not giving any concern as to who it was. It was his manager.
"Yeah, okay, one sec," James gave Logan and Kendall a curt glance before walking off to talk in a leisure privacy with his manager, thereby leaving Logan and Kendall alone.
"What have you really been up to, Kendall?" Logan asked, using the other boy's first name for the first time in nine years. Kendall's back perched like a cat, as if someone had dumped water on him. However, despite his discomfort, he maintained the familiar Kendall-esque grin that won the hearts of many.
"I've been caught driving under the influence, twice," Kendall counted calmly, ignoring the throbbing vein on Logan's forehead, "and have been forced to rehab three times," Kendall continued to trill, finding a sadistic amusement in the flair of emotions burning Logan. "The Los Angeles Kings kicked me off the team after my seventh Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, and lately, I've been returning to court to deal with some minor possession charges. Can you top that?" Kendall released a debonair grin on his face, as Logan scrunched his face in pain and annoyance.
"Why..." Logan could barely breathe, as his mind cycled through images of Kendall helping him fight off bullies, of Kendall leading all of Big Time Rush to victory, of pulling childish pranks like drenching the field hockey girls at their high school. It was a disgusting metamorphosis—Kendall had been a proud caterpillar, wrapped in the false protection of Hollywod and Los Angeles for a cocoon, and yet when he managed to escape the strangling clutch of show business, he emerged not as a brilliant and beautiful butterfly, but as a failed and dejected moth.
Kendall simply responded with a shrug, as silence found them again, the wind slowly dying down as did their breaths. Kendall took one final drag of his cigarette, before putting it out. Logan squinted his eyes again, peering at Kendall, but there were no words spoken.
"I'm sorry—I just really am worried about you. Just because we haven't talked in nine years doesn't mean that I don't care, Kendall." Logan assured with gentle eyes, his eyes glazing over Kendall with a feeling of sympathy and compassion. Kendall however, gave Logan a simple stare without any life in his eyes.
"Does she care?" Kendall asked calmly, as Logan raised an eyebrow with a perplexed mask. He knew very well what Kendall was trying to insinuate, but he wanted to hear it from Kendall's own intoxicated breath.
"Excuse me?" Logan replied, his heart beating as fast as his words were spilling from his mouth. It could not have been what Logan was truly thinking, although he had no idea what his mind was believing to be true.
"She can't care about you, what am I saying..." Kendall chuckled. He turned away from Logan and decided to light yet another cigarette, his eyes staring another direction. Logan's mouth dropped, as his eyes squinted to safeguard the anger from melting his eyes into an inconsolable mess.
"What the fuck are you saying Kendall?" Logan yelled, not caring if anyone heard him. He loved Camille with all of his hearts, and he could not stand here and listen to Kendall insulting her and degrading her worth to him. Why did he even care?
"She can't care about you, Logan, she doesn't even know you." Kendall stated his words as if it was general knowledge. Logan clenched his fists, and continued to stifle his breathing. As part of his clinical rotations, he had to work at a psychiatric clinic, and he knew when he was dealing with a lunatic, but he could not believe his friend had transformed into one.
"What the hell do you—" Logan hissed, before Kendall flicked away his cigarette and turned to stare at Logan with a dangerous amount of fire burning in his crystalline emerald eyes.
"Does she know you were the first of your friends to get a learners permit? Does she know that you could beat-box? Does she know that you have illegally impersonated Arthur Griffin thirty-seven times? Does she know that you fawned over Phoebe Nachee and still keep a picture of her in your wallet, in the second to last pocket? Does she know that you are indecisive?" Kendall's nostrils flared, as Logan weakly replied, slightly overwhelmed by Kendall.
"I actually just have a w-weak bladder..." Logan murmured, although his eyes were quivering with confusion and astonishment.
"Does she know that you smile not only to express your happiness, but to make sure no one else feels saddened? Does she know that you smile the largest whenever James, Carlos or I would receive an A on an assignment that you helped us on? Does she know that you were originally named Hortense? Does she know you took ballet classes? Does she know that you love the color black? Does she know your favorite flower is a Dahlia? Does she know that every morning, you eat a banana, and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios unless my mom made a dish? Does she know that you worked the hardest to improve your dancing of all of us? Does she know that you once borrowed James's underwear because you thought it would help your game?" Kendall continued to yell, as Logan effectively was pushed against the wall of the building. Passerby's paid them no attention, but Logan felt as if he was warped to his former self, nine years ago. Suddenly, there were no problems, and everything was as it had been before—except, suddenly a new revelation was dawning upon Logan.
"Does she know what happened when you were seven? Does she know that you don't believe in ghosts? Does she know that you can rap? Does she know that your dress size is the same as my mother's? Does she know you know how to play the bass? Does she know that your biggest dream was not to be a doctor, not to be famous, but to respected and have a core group of friends that you could trust? Does she know anything about you?" Kendall hissed, as Logan finally realized what all of this meant. Logan finally understood everything.
"K-Kendall, you need to talk to me," Logan suddenly whispered, as he tried to stand as straight as he could under Kendall's glowering glare.
"When we left—I actually believed it would work out, but the only thing that helped me cope was these," Kendall hissed, his voice keeping strong, but his eyes fading again. He threw an entire packet of cigarettes against the ground, his voice fluctuating in amplification. Logan winced, but continued to listen. How could he have not noticed after all these years?
"K-Kendall..." Logan whispered, but Kendall shook his head and turned his back toward Logan.
"Forget it." Kendall's haunting voice echoed within Logan's head, as Logan felt his heart racing. What could he do?
Silence was about to make its way into the conversation again, but Kendall suddenly turned around and embraced Logan, who slowly returned the embrace as well. Kendall heaved slightly, whispering "I missed you" as he held Logan as close as he could, enjoying the physical presence of the other male. Logan was still dazed and shocked, but knew it was his duty and choice to embrace his best friend.
There was an awkward clearing of the throat, as both boys released their embrace. James stood a few steps away from them, glancing at them with raised eyebrows. Logan patted down his jeans, and slowly and reluctantly returned Kendall's jacket, the owner reluctantly accepting it.
"Are you heading out Logan?" James asked, as Logan glanced at the time and pursed his lips again, keeping in all of his emotions and feelings.
"I think so," Logan mumbled, as he ignored Kendall's wavering gaze. James noticed, but spoke no syllables.
And like the wind, Logan was gone again. He vanished from the view of the Kendall and James as quickly as he had came, and all that was left of him was a memory—James appreciated the comfortable interaction between himself and Logan, and Kendall basked in his embrace with Logan. It had been far too long, and Kendall found himself craving a new drug. It was too powerful and intoxicating, but he knew he had to suppress himself for he could never have the forbidden fruit.
"Kendall! James!" Both men turned their heads before they decided to head back to Kelly's residence, and saw Logan rushing toward them as fast as he could. They decided to do him a favor and meet him halfway, walking calmly, despite their beating hearts. Once Logan met up with the two boys, he pulled several enveloped cards and gingerly placed them into their hands. He smiled at them with the most honest emotion he had exhibited during his return to Los Angeles, and then ran off again, presumably to catch a flight awaiting him.
Kendall and James glanced at each other, as James noticed he had three cards in his palm. Written in delicate cursive, he saw "James Diamond," "Carlos Garcia," and "Kelly Wainwright" laced in silver ink. He gently placed his own envelope in his coat's deep pocket, and walked inside to deliver the other two cards. Kendall held the envelope with a wide realization and without any hesitation, he ripped it open and saw a beautifully embroidered invitation, with a familiar brown ink.
You are cordially invited to the wedding of Logan Mitchell and Camille Roberts
September 14th, 2022
Kendall blinked his eyes several times, as if to allow any tears to fall, yet nothing happened. There was nothing at all. No wind, no heat, no cold, no feeling at all. It was as if he had become a hollow shell of his former self.
Kendall stuffed the card messily into his pocket, as he gave one last glance to Kelly Wainwright's residence before walking off into the eerily warm sun. Suddenly, he wished he no longer had his jacket on him...
July became August. August slowly eased into September, and before anyone knew it, September brought beautiful red, orange, and yellow leaves. To some, it was a normal week, but to others, this week signified the beginning and end of beautiful things. It indicated the end of the glorious and beautiful summer, where warmth surrounded everyone, but it also introduced the beginning of the tranquil autumn, where an ambivalent and comfortable weather promised to touch everyone.
Kendall sat in his room, the lights off to keep him from realizing the dismal condition in which he had placed himself. How could he even stand to look at himself? He had been doing so well until Gustavo's funeral, and after that, everything had gone downhill. He was suffering from withdrawal, but he was too impoverished to even afford proper meals. He lived in a room with his younger sister and mother, both of whom gave up years ago trying to console him.
However, a gentle knock to the door pardoned Kendall from his dismal thoughts, as he glanced toward the door, expecting it to open by itself. Suddenly, it did, and from the bright fluorescent lights on the outside of his lair, he saw a familiar head rear inside his room.
"Kendall?" James whispered, as he entered the room. Disgust was an understatement for what James felt when he entered the room. It was filthy, unkempt, and completely destroyed—much like Kendall himself. All these years, James had never understood why Kendall had been so intent on ruining his life, and unfortunately, it took James nine long years of scorn and hatred to realize that he was truly the horrible friend. It took him nine long years to understand that Kendall was not intentionally trying to embarrass him by getting numerous DUI's or by having marijuana and cocaine in his front pocket. Thus, after realizing that he had broken the best friend code, James knew he had to do something to make it up—and he knew that a rich celebrity like himself only had one way to do so: money.
Kendall's lifeless glance horrified James, but he kept his aplomb. He was one of the top actors in Hollywood, and he was not going to let Kendall's dejected soul corrupt him in any way.
"James," Kendall acknowledged the presence of the actor, who simply nodded. The actor took a deep sigh, running his hands gently through his perfectly shaped locks, and exhaled slowly.
"I have something for you—Katie let me in, and I thought I would see you." James suddenly started rambling. His eyes widened. Never, after feeling guilty after kissing Camille and stealing Heather from Carlos, had James rambled in a fit of nervousness, yet the very action he was committing rendered him a trembling mess. He could not do this, but he knew he had to—or else something very special could be lost.
"You saw me," Kendall's voice croaked out of respite, and James's heart began to pound violently against his chest. How was he supposed to do this without cracking his renowned diamond exterior? He was stronger than this, yet he felt the need to break down and let Kendall assume the position of leadership again.
"I think you want this, so I'm going to leave it here. I'll see you later Kendall, I know." James paused in between each breath, as he gingerly left an envelope on the cleanest spot of the desk he could find. He gave Kendall one final nod, before closing the door and leaving Kendall back to his dark thoughts. Outside the room, James rushed downstairs, and gave Katie a chaste kiss on the cheek before dashing out the door and entering his sleek car.
The moment he got inside, he immediately began to sob and pressed his head against his steering wheel, sobbing. How could this have happened? The boys were united, strong, and powerful together. They had solved the mystery of the Palm Woods Ghost, defeated Hawk, and had rescued the name Big Time Rush on countless occasions. Yet today, words were hardly even spoken to one another, and they were all broken. James, Carlos, and Logan had beautiful exteriors, but inside they were all broken. Carlos could never again hold down a relationship, in an innate fear of having it fade away like it had between his brothers. James would never let anyone into his impassive face again, in an innate fear of having it be blown away by the tides of time. Logan...Logan was the most complex. He exhibited pure happiness, but the manner in which he rushed back home without even meeting Carlos or Kelly again indicated there was more to the boy than James could have ever thought possible.
What had happened to Big Time Rush?
Kendall glanced into the envelope, afraid of what would be inside. The last envelope Kendall had received had dealt the hardest news of his life, and he was unsure as to what this envelope could possibly include. To his horror and delight, it was a ticket. Specifically, a plane ticket with a note attached to it.
"You said we wouldn't let California change us. So, be the same Kendall Knight who would fight for what he loved—for what he believed. Get your man back." —James
Kendall felt his heart fleeting, like an airplane rising from the ground and soaring through the air. Suddenly, his body felt like it had when he was eighteen years young, and where he had never tampered with cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, or tobacco. Where LSD and THC were random arrangements of letters. Where Dr. Logan Mitchell was simply Logie.
Kendall, as fast as he could, packed everything he could into the nearest duffel bag, and flew outside the door, finding himself empowered and facilitated to achieve what his heart desired. He was not sure the outcome, but he knew he had to go. It was the only way possible.
Carlos arrived to Maryland in the afternoon of September thirteenth. Yet, something was off inside Carlos's mind. It had started ever since he had returned to Los Angeles after nine years. It was not only because he was attending a wedding on a Wednesday, but it was the fact that none of this made any sense. What had happened to Big Time Rush?
Carlos believed he had it all figured out within his mind. He and James were the immature ones, while he and Kendall were the strong ones, while he and Logan were the smaller ones. They all fit together like some sort of diagram that Logan would draw whenever he was helping them with a test. Yet, after seeing everyone again after nine years, Carlos felt as if this diagram had been ripped to pieces, brutally.
Sure, he was never quite the smartest one of the quartet, but he was insightful. He had heard of Kendall Knight's wild rides, and whenever he would send Christmas cards to Mama Knight, he would receive them back with only a signature from Katie and Mama Knight. He knew how successful James was—he was a ruthless and cutthroat actor, who could destroy someone's life with a mere whisper. He knew how smart Logan was, and thus was not surprised to see a ton of scientific journals appear on Google whenever Carlos typed in Logan's name. He was happy that for the most part, James and Logan, and even Kendall, for a moment had achieved bliss by their dreams. Kendall had been apart of the Los Angeles Kings ice hockey team, being their top earning player, until he became engulfed with his addiction to drugs. As a police officer, Carlos knew the negative ramifications of drugs, but he could not muster up enough courage to give Kendall a phone call, let alone James or Logan.
Carlos knew something was wrong when James, Kendall, and Logan left Kelly's house with weak excuses. Kelly herself had excused herself to the restroom, where her sobs echoed throughout the house. Somewhere, along the lines, everything had changed. They were no longer kids, but they were adults, thrust into the world where relationships were no longer easy.
Carlos checked himself into the hotel, where he sat alone on his comfortable bed. He bounced it on slightly, gently reminded of the numerous pillow fights enacted between the once-brothers, and the reckless stunts performed by Carlos for the mere amusement of his once-brothers.
"The bond we have is like no other," Carlos whispered, feeling his word linger on his lips. He had once answered that to an interviewer about his friendship with Kendall, James, and Logan. Yet, were those words still true today? Could it be said that their bond was still as strong? Or was it gone, obliterated into miniscule molecules of dust?
He remembered when he first realized that Big Time Rush was actually over. He accepted the band was over, but the prospect of their friendship being over scared Carlos. As a result, he could never smile as brightly as he once could. He had multiple friends—yes—but none of them were his close friends. How could he ever be someone else's friend again, when he had lost his three best friends to the tides of time?
Carlos took another deep sigh, as he unpacked his clothes. Tomorrow was a big day, and for once, he was not hungry. The sight of the corn dog on the room service menu suddenly sickened him, and he could not even stomach a granule of food.
When Logan returned from Los Angeles, the first thing he had done was visit Camille, who had been watching television. He had entered her apartment with the spare key he had, and had made spontaneous, but passionate love to her, as if asserting his love for her. He wanted her to know that he loved her, no matter what, and he needed to know she loved him too, which she demonstrated beautifully. They were happy together, and that was all Logan needed to know.
Yet, on the morning of September fourteenth, Logan found himself in front of the mirror. He was in a slick black suit, bought from the loads of money he had generated from his profession. He knew he looked handsome, and for once, he felt as if he was truly happy. He then stared in the mirror, and imagined the priest enacting the marriage.
"Yes, I, Logan Mitchell, take Kendall Knight as..." Logan stared into the mirror, dropping his tie, as he realized what syllables he had breathed. He fumbled to pick up his tie, his fingers trembling, as he instantly began thinking about Camille. Camille Roberts. Camille Roberts. Camille Roberts.
James arrived in Maryland on the morning of September fourteenth, and made it straight to his hotel. He had adorned a disguise to avoid the paparazzi, although he doubted any of them could even have guessed he would have attended Logan's wedding after the public estrangement displayed by all four men.
He checked into a room, and as he slid in the key to open the door, the door to his left opened and a yawning Carlos emerged, stretching. Suddenly, time seemed to stop as the two stared at each other. Carlos's jaw dropped slightly, as James took off his sunglasses. The odds of the two rooming next to each other after nine years was improbable, yet it somehow had occurred. Carlos and James never broke eye contact until James entered his room and slowly shut the door, immersing himself in the posh room, which suddenly felt cold and isolated.
When he heard a knock at his door, Carlos assumed it would be James wanting to talk to him. But instead, a different sight met him. It was Kendall Knight, standing in front of him with a clean, shaven face and a smile that seemed to be a ghost of the former smile the boy could have upheld. Carlos blinked several times, as he let Kendall enter the room without a word. How Kendall had discovered his room, he had no idea, but Carlos was happy for it nonetheless.
"James told me you were here," Kendall whispered, as he sat on Carlos's bed. Kendall was already ready, dressed in a familiar black tuxedo. He smelled like clean aftershave, and his body resembled his sixteen year old incarnation. Carlos nodded, as he felt completely at ease, changing in front of Kendall. He had done it before years ago, when they shared rooms together at camp and during sleepovers. Carlos listened to Kendall talk, and talk, and talk. He talked about how he was finally finished with his community service, and how he had finished his last pack of cigarettes, and how Katie had thrown away all bottles of alcohol in the house, and how he had little to no money left, and how James had bought him a ticket to the wedding. Carlos simply nodded the entire time, as he buckled his belt and buttoned his shirt. He truthfully was too happy to even say a word, in fear of ruining the moment. Suddenly, memories were flooding back into him, memories where the boys would tell each other every single little secret, whether it was about throwing away love letters or being figure skaters.
Another knock at the door interrupted Kendall's monologue, as Carlos answered it, not surprised to see James Diamond standing tall and bright, with a smile that resembled his sixteen year old self.
"Are you guys ready? The wedding starts in an hour, and my limousine is waiting outside." James smiled, as Carlos and Kendall shared a knowing look with one another. It was just like old times. James was almost the wealthiest, and would always arrange the rides and transportation to hockey games or sleepovers.
Carlos smiled, and tightened his tie as he stepped outside his room. Kendall slowly followed, closing the door behind him. As they waited for the elevator to take them downstairs, Carlos heard a faint "Thank you" uttered from Kendall's breath in the direction of James, and suddenly Carlos felt satisfied. Things were slowly reverting back to normal, and Carlos was glad to be in the company of his friends again, for a more momentous occasion.
The three made their way to empty seats next to Kelly, who sat there with a conflicted look on her face. Carlos could empathize—she wanted to mourn Gustavo, but she was so happy for Logan, but she was worried for Big Time Rush. However, when the three boys made their way next to her and greeted her with a smile that could have rivaled the smiles when they were sixteen, Carlos could see something grace Kelly's features.
It was an awkward seating—Kelly sat in the innermost row, while Carlos sat beside her. Next to Carlos was James, and besides James was Kendall, who watched with an impassive mask on his face.
The music slowly started to play, as people rose. Carlos had always been shorter than James and Kendall, but he could still see everything he needed to see: two of his brothers suddenly standing by each other. He could also see a beautiful bride walking down the aisle, and suddenly, a handsome groom stood by the altar, watching with twinkling eyes.
However, a thought suddenly struck Carlos in the heart, as he stared at James and Kendall. Neither of them were smiling with earnest, and when Carlos looked into the lifeless eyes of Kendall, it suddenly all made sense. All the times where Logan and Kendall had teamed up together against James and Carlos. All the times where Kendall had instinctively defended Logan. All the times where Kendall felt overprotective of Logan. It hit Carlos like the force of diving into the Palm Woods Pool.
Kendall Knight was in love with Logan Mitchell.
Kelly wiped a tissue to her eyes, smiling and commenting on how beautiful everything was. James turned around, and agreed with her, although the twinkle in his eyes was lost. It was as if he was speaking from the lips of one of the numerous roles he had played in his lifetime.
James was inwardly at unease with Logan marrying Camille, when he knew he belonged to someone else. He belonged to another man...
Kendall sat somberly, along with the rest of the congregation, watching with no emotions as Camille reached the altar, her graceful presence seemingly blessing Logan.
Logan looked into Camille's eyes, and smiled. He knew she was beautiful, and that was why he had fallen in love with her. She was everything that he wanted—strength, power, and beauty. She made him complete, and her chocolate brown eyes matched Logan's chocolate kisses. He knew she was beautiful, and his colleagues all congratulated him on marrying such a beautiful and successful woman. He looked into her eyes, and saw her eyes invigorated with love for him—a feeling that made Logan feel extremely empowered and powerful. However, for a moment, Logan swore he saw green emeralds glistening under the light, but he blinked and they were suddenly gone.
"Should anyone have any reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." The priest solemnly declared, as the groom and bride held their hands together, uniting their souls in a romantic joining.
Kendall felt a conflicting urge to stand up, and scream out his emotions. Scream out every lyric to every love song Big Time Rush sang, in which Kendall only thought of one person. Scream out every feeling in his heart. Yet, another half of him kept him seated, despite James's questioning glance.
"I now pronounce you, Logan and Camille, man and wife!" The priest cheered, as suddenly the entire room lit up in a fervor of excitement. Everyone but Kendall, Carlos, and James cheered with the passion and excitement that would have naturally come from such a beautiful ceremony.
Kendall closed his eyes and thought of his embrace with Logan while the two kissed. Kendall knew he should have felt happy, but he found it difficult to do so. He had just witnessed...
"I'm going out for a smoke," Kendall whispered to James and Carlos, both of whom wanted to stop him, but they both understood Kendall's actions.
Logan watched Kendall leave the cathedral, but despite the small frown that tugged at his lips, he turned to face Camille with the excitement that he had on his very first date with her. They smiled at each other, as they felt the spirit of love intoxicate them.
Kendall threw out his fourth cigarette, as he absorbed the fall air. He knew, from the departure of the guests to the hotel, that the wedding was over, but he felt no strong urge to leave his spot and stop smoking. He enjoyed the rush of nicotine that situated itself within his body, and he felt it was the only thing tying him down from simply running away from every problem like he had within the span of the nine years.
"Kendall?" A small voice alerted Kendall from his realm of dreams as he turned to see Logan at his most handsome appearance ever. Logan gave a small wave to Kendall, who returned it with a small smile. Kendall suddenly felt a strong urge to replay the entire wedding, replacing Camille with himself, but alas life was not so easy...
"Thank you for coming," Logan whispered, as he suddenly clenched Kendall's hand with both of his petite hands, and smiled. Kendall felt his heart racing, the calming effect of the nicotine becoming completely obliterated by the intoxicating effects of the boy in his heart. "It meant a lot to me."
"No big deal," Kendal shrugged, keeping his aplomb. His heart was racing in his chest, and he wanted to jump away from his suit and pounce Logan with the rush of emotions within his chest, but he knew better than that. He was no longer a sixteen year old, facing a foolish crush. He was a mature adult, facing the consequences of real life.
"You cleaned up pretty well too, and maybe we can work on those cigarettes," Logan smiled, attempting to stir in a joke into the conversation, to which Kendall responded with a mere snicker. There was a comfortable silence—not the malicious one that had met them a few months ago, but a comfortable one that both Logan and Kendall appreciated.
"We'll see," Kendall whispered, as he looked away into the night. "I hope you and Camille are happy." Kendall spoke from one side of his heart, while the other hissed in pain.
"You should come to the reception," Logan smiled, reaching Kendall's arm and tugging him slightly. However, Kendall shook his head, and gave Logan a small smile.
"I have to get back to Katie. I have some more community service," Kendall said, recalling his confession to Carlos, in which he admitted that he had finished his community service. He shook his head in a sardonic chuckle to himself.
Logan inclined his head slightly to the right, his lips pouting slightly. He then took a deep breath.
"So I'll see you around then?" Logan asked quietly. Kendall smiled at this question, and took a deep sigh as well.
"Of course Logie," Kendall said, suddenly stepping forward, and leaving a chaste kiss on Logan's forehead, "I'll always be here for you."
Kendall then turned around and walked off into the lights of the street, eventually fading away into the dark surroundings, as Logan watched with a foreign longing in his heart.
"I'll miss him..." Kendall commented to himself, as he finished packing his belongings. He picked up his bag, and began his descent to the metro station, walking past the cathedral. He took one last longing glance at the church, and suddenly found himself smiling. A burden had been lifted off of him, and for once, he felt as if he could finally open up to his former self.
Logan watched him, as he entered his limousine, and smiled to himself. Finally, the brotherhood could find itself again. Logan hoped, from the bottom of his heart, that in the next nine years, he and his brothers would be united not by force, but by their love for each other.
Kendall watched from the bus stop, as Logan's limousine pulled away. He watched as Logan drove away, disappearing into the horizon. He chuckled to himself, and stared up at the moon. Logan may have left Kendall, but he would forever remain in his heart.
"The bond we have is like no other" – Carlos Pena.