SNURD BURGLARS
(a working title)
A film by Joseph Lynch
INT. A LARGE VILLA IN THE SOUTH OF SPAIN - DAY
DANNY is lounging on a large heart-shaped bed in the master bedroom of a luxurious estate on the southern coast of Spain. He is naked, save for the royal blue satin bedsheet draped over his midsection, just barely obscuring his genitals.
DANNY
Hi. I'm Danny Sexbang. I'm glad you could join me in my Sex Mansion today. I've got quite the story to tell you.
Ninja Brian, could you please join us? It's story time.
A set of large french doors on the south wall of the bedroom open onto a large patio overlooking the rear of the estate, which backs up to a large sheer cliff-face. BRIAN is standing at the edge of the cliff, tossing bodies into the Mediterranean Sea. He does not respond.
DANNY
Great. Now, prepare yourself for a tale of adventure and excitement, romance and passion. But first, about that buttsex I promised you...
DANNY smiles slyly, and flings the satin royal blue bedsheet across the room.
FADE OUT
EXT. CHINA - DAWN
DANNY (V.O.)
This whole mess started eight years ago.
DANNY stands at base of the Lhotse mountain, staring at the peak of the mountain with a look of intense fear in his eyes. He is dressed in a thick, fur-lined sherpa robe with a blue Star of David embroidered on the chest. He takes a deep breath, swallows hard, and begins to climb.
In montage, DANNY is seen scaling the mountain. He almost dies or whatever.
THREE DAYS LATER
As DANNY finally approaches the summit, he now has a full, thick beard. His beard and his long, luscious dark brown hair are filled with snow and ice. Arriving at the summit, DANNY approaches a small shack with a man sitting against the wall outside. He dressed in a black T-shirt and denim shorts, and he is wearing a crudely-made ninja mask. It's BRIAN. He stands up and shakes his head at DANNY, tapping his wrist, where you expect him to wear a wristwatch. He isn't wearing a wristwatch.
DANNY
Ninja Brian. Did you get the artifact?
BRIAN holds up a tattered, old Chinese scroll. He hands the scroll to DANNY. DANNY slowly opens the scroll to reveal a Microsoft Office clipart cut-out of a bagel and a small bowl of coleslaw, stapled onto the scroll.
DANNY
Ninja Brian, do you know what this means? We've finally found it. What we've been searching for all these years. The recipe for the perfect bagels and coleslaw.
DANNY takes a long, yearning look out at the beautiful, lush Tibetan landscape surrounding the mountain. He shoves the scroll into the pocket of his coat and looks at BRIAN.
DANNY
Great, now let's get the fuck out of this shitty country.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT IN JERSEY CITY - DAY
DANNY is sitting next to BRIAN on a twin-size mattress sitting on the floor of a small one-room apartment in Jersey City, New Jersey.
DANNY (V.O.)
Alright, full disclosure, that whole shit with the bagels just now was a bit of a non-sequitur. I'm not really sure why it was even in the movie. Oh well, nothing we can do about it now.
Off of a nightstand next to the mattress, DANNY picks up a bagel slathered with cream cheese, and takes a bite.
DANNY
(with a mouthful of bagel)
FUCK, these bagels are delicious!
DANNY (V.O)
GOD DAMMIT THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT BAGELS WHAT THE FUCK
DANNY tosses the bagel into a trash can sitting next to the nightstand, and stands up from the bed with a jolt.
DANNY
Fuck that bagel. Ninja Brian, we've got to get the studio and record a song.
DANNY (V.O.)
I mentioned that Ninja Brian and I are in a band together, right? Ninja Sex Party. Of course I did. Shut up.
INT. A RECORDING STUDIO IN NEW JERSEY
DANNY is in the recording booth of a low-budget recording studio, singing into a microphone. BRIAN is on the other side of the booth, playing a keyboard.
DANNY (singing)
Hey girl, I know you want to suck on my D
But can't you see
That you are not the one for me-
DANNY stops singing suddenly, and a look of confusion comes over his face.
DANNY
Wait, wait, wait- what am I saying? Every lady is the right lady for Danny Sexbang. Ninja Brian, stop playing. Everything is all wrong here. I just… I think I just need to go clear my head.
DANNY removes his monitor headphones, and walks out of the recording studio.
INT. - THE MIDTOWN DINER - DAY
DANNY is sitting at a table in the Midtown Diner, eating a bagel with cream cheese and sipping on a cup of coffee.
DANNY (V.O.)
Again with the fucking bagels? Jesus this guy is such a jew… Sorry, that was anti-semitic.
A WAITRESS comes over to the table that DANNY is sitting at and refills his coffee. She looks at DANNY.
WAITRESS
You need anything else, hun?
DANNY'S gaze shifts up toward the WAITRESS, a look of ennui on his face.
DANNY
I don't know, I don't know what I need. I just feel like my life is lacking excitement, lacking adventure. Hey, what do you say you and me go into the bathroom and you give me a blowey?
The WAITRESS dumps the pot of coffee she is holding into DANNY's lap.
DANNY
So, that's a no on the blowjob then? Your loss, girl. My dick is pretty amazing.
DANNY finishes his bagel, stands up, and walks out of the diner into the street.
FADE OUT
EXT. NEWPORT MARINA, JERSEY CITY, NJ - DAY
DANNY is standing at the end of a long pier lined with boat slips, looking out at the Hudson River. He is wearing a peacoat and a captain's hat, and a steady breeze is gently whipping through his long, wavy dark brown hair. He appears lost in thought. The boats harbored in the slips along the pier are varied, some powerboats, some small sailing yachts, a few houseboats. BRIAN walks into frame, and stands next to DANNY. He is wearing yellow children's floaties on his arms.
DANNY
I think this is exactly what I need to get out of this funk. Let's go sailing, Ninja Brian.
DANNY turns and walks back up the pier, stopping at a slip marked with a Star of David. In the slip is docked a small Marconi-rigged sailboat- designed for one mainsail and one interchangeable headsail, either a jib or spinnaker (haha spinnakers).
DANNY steps down off of the dock and into the boat, followed by BRIAN.
DANNY
Brian, could you lower the keel please?
BRIAN grasps a small rope cleated to the side of the centreboard trunk, and releases it slowly. As he does so, two black rubber rollers attached to the top of the centreboard trunk start to roll forwards towards the mast, lowering the keel into the water.
DANNY takes hold of a small rope sticking out of the bottom of the hollow aluminum mast and starts to pull on it, raising the mainsail up the mast. The mainsail reaches about halfway up the mast when it catches the wind enough to swing the boom off to one side of the boat, and the boom smacks BRIAN in the side of the head. DANNY chuckles and continues to raise the sail, letting the rope gather at his feet. DANNY pulls the sail all the way to the top of the mast, and tugs rope into a locking cleat, securing the mainsail in place. BRIAN moves to the front of the boat and follows the same procedure for the jib. With both sails flapping gently back and forth, luffing in the wind, DANNY attaches the tiller to the rudder and unties the mooring lines from the dock.
DANNY
Go, boat!
Holding the tiller in his left hand, DANNY gathers up the mainsheet using his right hand, pulling the sail in towards the center of the boat. The mainsail catches the wind and starts to billow out, and the boat begins to move forward. DANNY directs the boat out of the marina, and then calls out to BRIAN
DANNY
Close-hauled, Brian.
BRIAN takes hold of the jibsheet, the rope attached to the bottom of the headsail, and gathers it up, pulling the jib close in to the boat. DANNY pulls in on the mainsheet a few feet, and the boat leans over about thirty degrees and begins moving through the water much more quickly.
DANNY
Tacking.
DANNY flicks the tiller with his wrist, turning the boat through a ninety-degree arc. As the boat turns through the wind, the sails swing across to the other side of the boat, and BRIAN ducks under the boom and moves to the other side of the boat. The sails fill up again with wind, now coming across the opposite side of the boat. BRIAN sits up on the wooden rail going across the top of the hull, using his weight to even out the lean of the boat. DANNY sits down on the thwart in the aft of the boat, and DANNY and BRIAN begin sailing up the Hudson River.
FIVE HOURS LATER
DANNY
Ninja Brian where the fuck are we?
DANNY pulls out his sextant, looks at it for a moment, then inexplicably begins to cry. DANNY puts down the sextant and pulls a map out of his jacket pocket. He unfolds the map and studies it for a while.
DANNY
Wait, are we in fucking Canada!?
DANNY is holding the map upside-down.
Out of nowhere, the shark from Jaws bursts out of the water just feet away from the boat, roaring the way only sharks in movies do. DANNY screams with excitement.
DANNY
OH SHIT it's Willem Dafoe!
Mr. Dafoe! I loved you in The Boondock Saints! Could I get your autograph!?
The shark from Jaws lunges out of the water and comes crashing down onto the side of the boat, nearly capsizing it. BRIAN whips around and stabs the shark six times in the eye. The shark goes limp and slips off the side of the boat, sinking down into the water.
DANNY
Jesus Ninja Brian. I know you were starstruck, but there was no need to overreact like that. It was very rude, and I think you owe Willem Dafoe an apology.
BRIAN stands up, unzips his pants, and urinates into the river.
DANNY
That's better. Now, let's go home.
DANNY steers the boat around, loosens out the sails into a broad reach, and sets course for the Newport Marina.
FADE OUT
INT. DANNY AND BRIAN'S STUDIO APARTMENT, NEW JERSEY - DAY
DANNY is sitting cross-legged on the mattress on the floor, gluing plastic jewels onto a gold-painted plastic chalice. BRIAN is sitting at a small table in the kitchenette, sharpening his knife. DANNY finishes what he is doing and, setting down the plastic chalice, looks up.
DANNY
That was quite an exciting day we had yesterday, huh Ninja Brian? I think I've found the inspiration I need to write a new song; "Willem Dafoe is Really Good At Swimming". Come on, let's go to the studio.
DANNY and BRIAN walk out of the apartment and out into the street, towards DANNY's car. As the two of them are crossing the street, DANNY looks up, and stops mid-stride.
DANNY
Ninja Brian, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
And DANNY points to his blue Toyota Camry. Standing on top of the car is a majestic UNICORN. The unicorn has a beautiful pearlescent white coat, and it's horn is glowing with a soft white light. The unicorn looks at DANNY, and with the voice of Morgan Freeman, it begins to speak;
UNICORN
Danny Sexbang, it's taken me ages to find you-
DANNY
HOLY SHIT IT CAN TALK
UNICORN
Danny, I need you to pay attention. What I have to tell you is of the utmost importance. The fate of the universe rests upon your shoulders, Danny. The Powers That Be have chosen you for a mission that may very well change the future of mankind forever. Now, I need both of you to come with me.
DANNY
Yeah, okay. Where are we going?
UNICORN
Not 'where', Danny. When.
DANNY
But how will we get there? Some kind of time-travel road?
UNICORN
Where we're going, we don't need roads.
Now, quickly, climb on my back. We've got to KILL HITLER.
DANNY and BRIAN look at eachother, then back at the unicorn.
DANNY
OH FUCK!
DANNY and BRIAN climb up onto the back of the unicorn, and DANNY grasps it's beautiful, luscious white mane. The unicorn stamps it's hoof twice and then gallops, santa's reindeer like, up into the sky. A dark purple wormhole opens up in the middle of the horizon, and DANNY, BRIAN, and the unicorn disappear into it.
EXT. USINGEN, GERMANY - YEAR 1940 - DAY
A narrow country road gently winds out into the distance, surrounded by trees on either side. Several miles away, the road begins to snake up a large rocky hill. At the top of the hill, Kransberg Castle can be seen jutting out against the sky, a menacing giant looming over the horizon.
The castle is old, like Medieval old. The discolored grey stones making up the castle's walls are crumbling in places, and the tall, square tower at the rear of the castle looks as though it may collapse at any moment. Still, decrepit though the place may appear, there is something very unnerving about it. A very dark energy seems to be emanating from the main keep.
In the middle of the narrow country road, the air begins to crackle. Arcs of electricity rip through the sky, tearing electrons from the molecules in the air. Above the road, about ten feet up, a swirling, glowing blue appears. In the center of the spinning, swirling whirlpool of light and energy, a pit of black, empty nothingness opens up and slowly expands, swirling and spinning and growing, until it is almost twenty feet across. Out of the nothingness gallops the UNICORN, with DANNY and BRIAN riding on it's back. The unicorn comes to rest, and DANNY and BRIAN dismount, and begin to look around. Their gazes fall simultaneously upon Kransberg Castle. DANNY looks fucking terrified. BRIAN giggles excitedly. Well, you could imagine he might be giggling. He doesn't actually make any sound.
UNICORN
Our mission awaits us at the end of this road.
DANNY
Uhh, I thought you said we didn't need roads where we were going.
UNICORN
Well, I was wrong. I'm a unicorn, not a fucking scientist.
And the three of them embark down the narrow, tree-lined road road towards Kransberg Castle
FADE OUT
EXT. KRANSBERG CASTLE OUTER WALLS - EVENING
DANNY and BRIAN approach the main gates of the castle, the unicorn following a few paces behind. DANNY is now wearing a suit of knight's armour. Where the fuck did that come from?
There is a guard, dressed in full Nazi SS officer's uniform, standing at the gate, his right hand resting on the grip of his sidearm. BRIAN just walks up and stabs him twice in the gut with a large kitchen knife. NBD. They enter.
The castle's courtyard is eerily quiet, and empty. Seemingly abandoned.
DANNY
This place gives me the heeby fuckin' jeebies.
The three of them tread slowly across the courtyard towards the main keep of Kransberg Castle.
In the center of the main keep outer walls are two massive, 11-foot tall oak doors, with an ornate design of the Nazi Party emblem carved into the center of each. DANNY places his forearm onto the left door and leans into it. Slowly, the door opens with a loud, low, creaking moan.
INT. KRANSBERG CASTLE MAIN KEEP - NIGHT
DANNY and BRIAN walk into what was once most likely a massive dining hall. It is now almost completely empty. The walls of keep are lined with large windows spaced evenly across the length of the walls, and in between each window hang fifteen foot tall red and gold cloth Nazi Party banners. All the way at the other end of the hall across from the entryway sits an enormous mahogany desk. Behind the desk is a leather executive's chair, turned to face the other direction.
SLOW ZOOM ON THE OFFICE CHAIR
The figure in the chair slowly and steadily begins to rotate, turning to face our heroes. In the chair sits ADOLF HITLER, his hands pressed together in that Eighties cartoon villain sort of way. Slowly and methodically, he pulls his hands apart and puts a hand on each armrest of the leather executive's chair, pushing himself to his feet. He is wearing whatever dumb Nazi shit that HITLER usually wears.
HITLER
Ah, Herr Daniel Sexbangs. Vee have been expecting you.
Lightning flashes and thunder claps loudly in the night sky outside the walls of the keep.
DANNY
How the fuck do you know who I am, you Nazi Bitch!? Also, what do you mean we, you are the only one here.
HITLER
Vee vould appreciate if you do nein interrupt, Herr Daniel Sexbangs. All vill be explained in time.
BRIAN walks over to the corner of the main keep and sits down in an old wooden chair. He pulls out a newspaper and begins reading it.
DANNY
I'm not interest in hearing any of your bullshit, you fuckin' jabroni.
DANNY pulls his longsword out of its sheath. Etched into the hilt is a blue Star of David. DANNY gets into a battle stance that would make his butt look super tight, if you could see it underneath his suit of armour.
DANNY
Now, PREPARE TO DIE!
Just as DANNY is about to lunge towards HITLER with a thrusting attack of his sword, his phone begins to ring. His ringtone is a royalty-free midi version of "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey.
DANNY
Oh, shit, hold on one second.
DANNY puts down his sword, and begins fumbling to remove his gauntlets so he can answer his phone. Seeing that his foe is distracted, HITLER takes the opportunity to reach for his luger, and he shoots DANNY in the heart.
The bullet pierces the chest plate of DANNY's armour like it's tinfoil, and DANNY stumbles backwards, falling onto his back. BRIAN glances up over his newspaper briefly, then goes back to reading.
DANNY lies on the floor, blood spilling out of his armor and collecting into a growing dark red puddle on the stone floor beneath him. His cellphone laying in his limp hand, we see the display: "Call from: SUZY". Goddamnit, Suzy.
DANNY turns his head, so very slowly to look at HITLER. Coughing through mouthfuls of thick red blood, he speaks, weakly.
DANNY
You won't get away with this, you stank biiiiiiiiiii-
And then, before he can even finish calling HITLER a bitch, DANNY is dead.
The UNICORN, who had been waiting outside, now walks into the building, alerted by the sound of the gunshot. He trots over to DANNY'S lifeless body, and pokes him in the face with his unicorn horn. Corn horn. haha.
UNICORN
Oh no, his only weakness- a sudden, acute onset case of bullet cancer...
A single tear wells up in the Unicorn's big, royal blue-colored eye. It rolls down his face, down his gross horse nose, and drips, landing on DANNY'S cheek.
DANNY (V.O.)
Wait… Didn't this happen in the Pokemon Movie?
DANNY'S eyes flutter open, and he sits up.
DANNY
I have the most incredible erection right now… but nevermind that.
DANNY stands up, picks up his longsword, and turns toward HITLER.
DANNY
Let's finish this, you Nazi cunt.
In one smooth motion, DANNY raises his longsword up over his head, dashes over, and brings the sword smashing down into HITLER'S face. HITLER falls to his knees and slumps over, blood and brain matter spilling out from his opened skull.
DANNY wipes his sword off on HITLER'S uniform, and returns it to its sheath.
DANNY
Alright, Ninja Brian. Now that that's taken care of, let's make like a tree and get the fuck out of here.
DANNY begins walking towards the door, but then, out of the corner of his eye, he notices something strange. There is something bizarre happening with Hitler's skin. His skin is starting to discolor, rapidly. His face is changing to a deep red hue. His skin begins to thicken and harden. HITLER'S bones, one by one, start to crack and snap. His fingernails stretch and thicken into claw-like protrusions. His shoulder blades grow outwards, ripping out of the skin in his back, and each extends into several long bony protrusions. Between these bony protrusions grows a thin, leathery sort of skin. HITLER'S face starts to morph forward, his nose and mouth pushing outward into a sort of snout, his eyebrows bulging outward with pointed bony extrusions stabbing out of the skin above them.
HITLER turns into a thirty-five foot tall dragon.
DANNY stands there, staring at this spectacle, his mouth agape. He shrieks, the way a little girl would scream if she saw, I don't know, say a thirty-five foot tall dragon.
DANNY
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WHY IS HITLER A DRAGON!?
BRIAN hasn't even looked up from his newspaper.
DRAGON HITLER stands up, turns to DANNY, and swats him to the ground, effortlessly. With one massive, clawed boney hand he pins DANNY to the ground. DRAGON HITLER growls, thick black smoke pouring out of his nostrils.
DRAGON HITLER
Aryan race, more like AIRyan race… you know, because vee can fly.
Hitler never was very good at puns.
DRAGON HITLER
It is time for ze death, jude.
DRAGON HITLER snorts and inhales sharply. Flames well up and begin to lick at the edges of the monster's nostrils.
From outside the windows of the main keep, a shout is heard
UNKNOWN, YET FAMILIAR VOICE (O.S.)
DANNY NO!
An actual brontosaurus comes crashing through the walls of the main keep. Who's that riding on the dinosaur's back? It's EGORAPTOR!
EGORAPTOR
This bitch gonna die!
EGORAPTOR'S brontosaurus mounts DRAGON HITLER from behind, and ass-fucks him to death.
DANNY
Wow, thank you for saving my life, Egoraptor. If you'll excuse me for a moment, there's something I have to go do now.
DANNY walks into a small room off to the side of the main keep.
Inside of the room, EVA BRAUN is huddled in the corner, scared.
DANNY
Hey girl, you must be a treasure chest, 'cause I want to get all up in your booty. Let's go make some sex gravy together.
EVA BRAUN nods, sheepishly.
69 SECONDS LATER…
DANNY
mmm, that was nice
DANNY walks back out into the main keep, joining EGORAPTOR and BRIAN. BRIAN has set down his newspaper and is now stabbing the corpse of DRAGON HITLER in the eyes.
EGORAPTOR
This might be a kind of strange time to bring this up, but I've always wanted to start a video game parody rap group. What do you guys think?
DANNY
Fuck yeah, bro. But what should we call it?
EGORAPTOR
Nipple Patrol
DANNY
Sexcamp
EGORAPTOR
Boner Blast
DANNY
Professor Gilbert's Sausage Factory
EGORAPTOR
Fartstomp
DANNY
Labia Flavor
EGORAPTOR
Erection Election
DANNY
Ash Ketchum's Christmas Adventure
EGORAPTOR
Queef Steeple
DANNY
Deathcrabs for Cutie
EGORAPTOR
Turbo Donuts
DANNY
Benedict Cumberbatch
EGORAPTOR
Did you say Bendydick Lumberjack?
DANNY
Goldensnitch Luckycatch
EGORAPTOR
Taint Stink
DANNY
Hamster Ballet
EGORAPTOR
Rick and the Electricians
DANNY
The Underbite Mafia
EGORAPTOR
Daft Crunk
DANNY
Macho Man Randy Savage is Snapping into Slim Jims in Heaven
EGORAPTOR
Beef Wellington
DANNY
Octopus Paradigm
EGORAPTOR
Turtle Squirt
DANNY
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
EGORAPTOR
Juicy is the Pie with Rye Buns
DANNY
Brucie is a Guy with Five Guns
EGORAPTOR
Twat Snot
DANNY
The Almond Brothers Band
EGORAPTOR
Dick Journey
DANNY
Skyrimjob
EGORAPTOR
Octorokband
DANNY
Flock of Beagles
EGORAPTOR
Burt's Bees Gave Me Herpees
DANNY
One Thousand Dave Grohls
EGORAPTOR
Mega Man's Mega Plan
DANNY
AIDS Baby
EGORAPTOR
Ninja Brian, any ideas?
BRIAN
... ...
DANNY and EGORAPTOR look at BRIAN, then at each-other, then directly at the camera.
DANNY and EGORAPTOR (in unison)
STARBOMB!
They high five.
HUGE EXPLOSION
THE END
Also Eva Braun dies.