Bullet With Butterfly Wings, a harry potter fanfic

Title: Bullet With Butterfly Wings
Lyrics: Smashing Pumpkins
but I wrote this while listening about 400 times to Frida Snell's version of the song.

BETA: IBelieveInMaryWorth
(thank you so much for all your hard work)

NOT really a happy end --- Oneshot --- I needed to get this out of my head or I would have started screaming in agony and I truly feel better now, a little at least.

oOo

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold-like old job

His tears fell freely as he slumped down on the window sill. He had only run up five bloody stairs but felt like collapsing. He was the strong one. He was the tough one. He was the cold one. He wouldn't cry. He simply wouldn't allow it.

He wiped the tears away, sniffed one time and stared out at the weather that reflected his mood. Silent rain came down and wrapped the world in a deep silence. Some would call it cleansing, he would call it sadness. The sky was crying with him, for him, about him. He wasn't sure if that was true, but it seemed that way to him.

But it felt good not to be the only one betrayed. It hurt, it hurt like hell inside and he smiled. His inner pain had pushed him far enough to think about hurting his outer facade. He was breathing so hard he didn't know if he was helping or hindering his own fight to draw enough air into his lungs. But the pain felt good. It matched the pain inside.

So what, he had been played with. He had done that often enough with others before. Someday would he would have a chance for revenge. And here it was. If he had known that it would be like this, that it would hurt like this, that it would break him like this to be on the receiving end…he would have done it anyway.

He laughed bitterly. Not even when he was alone he could give up on his cool and cold-hearted behavior. He wasn't like this. No, really, he was different.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Why couldn't he just try to understand? Why wouldn't Harry accept it? God, how he hated that boy just now, but at the same time he loved him so much that he felt sick. He wanted to cut that love out of himself. It wasn't worth the name anymore. Golden Boy had forfeited his love.

He punched the window frame, not making a sound. He looked down at the hand that had already begun to swell and enjoyed the pain that wandered up his arm. Why didn't anyone see it? He had no choice and he knew where this would end. Somewhere close to death.

He knew the moment he went he would be dead; not physically, but he would leave his soul behind so he could cope with everything that awaited him. He punched the frame again and felt the skin stretching over his knuckles split. The blood mingled with the wonderful feeling of the pain and he smiled again.

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show
And what do you want, I wanna change
And what have you got
When you feel the same
Even though I know-I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold-like old job

Harry knew what it was like to hide behind a mask. He was the Boy-Who-Was-Supposed-To-Kill-A-Monster after all. And Harry hated it, just as he hated his fate. Why was the boy leaving him behind now? He had been certain that they loved each other; they had affirmed it to each other often enough. But now this certainty was fading quickly.

He had never before said those three words to another person. And when he had said them to Harry, he had meant every single syllable. I love you. It had meant the world to him when Harry had returned those three little words and he had believed him.

He shouldn't have. Again he had been proven right; there was no true love outside in this God-forsaken world.

He slammed his hand against the window frame for the third time and something cracked. The pain dazed him, he enjoyed it. He leaned his head against the cold glass of the window and a single tear ran down his face and dripped onto the window pane.

It was over. Nothing, no one could be saved from his or her fate. He wanted out of this cage that called itself family. He'd wanted out for an eternity and never made it. He was strong in mind and body, but this family would be his downfall. He had hoped Harry would become his safe haven, his family, his sanctuary. For some time he had been all of this, but now it was over.

He was alone again. He would die alone, although there would be others around. They meant nothing but death to him. Harry had found the key to this cage he was living in and now he had thrown it away and left Draco to rot in it.

The door opened quietly and Draco looked into the face of Harry Potter, who walked into the Prefect's bathroom with a rueful look.

"Go away." The blond said without emotion and turned his eyes back to the window.

Harry came closer but left a gap between them, giving Draco some space. "Draco, I'm sorry. Please hear me out, I can explain."

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was an only son yeah
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was an only son for you

"I don't want to hear your lies. I've heard enough already. It's over. I'm leaving tonight." Draco said flatly, his eyes still fixed on the rain hitting the glass. He wanted to be outside now, standing in the rain with Harry in his arms, but that would never happen again.

"No! Draco, don't. Please. We can fix this. You don't need to leave. We will hide you."

"Yeah, great. So I can rot away in another cage?" Draco turned his head towards Harry and saw the tears welling up. "Don't you dare cry now!" he yelled. "You don't have the right to shed tears. This is all because of you. Just leave me alone."

Harry came closer and wrapped his arms around Draco's sitting form. The Slytherin didn't react in any way. No sigh, so twitch, no word – nothing.

"I won't let you go. You belong to me." Harry whispered, but Draco didn't care. He simply looked out the window and mentally let the rain wash over him.

There was no freedom. Everywhere he went, he would end up in a cage. He was born in one. He lived in one. And no matter what he did, he would end in one again. He was just moving from one to the other.

Freedom? Ha! Whoever believed in such utopian dreams would fall into a deep hole of depression and disappointment in the end. There was no freedom.

Indifference was the only thing that could bring him through the mess that was his life, of that Draco was sure.

"Draco, please. Stay with me. Don't leave me. I'll explain everything. You just got it wrong. Nothing has happened. I swear." Harry rambled as he crawled into Draco's lap.

The Gryffindor grabbed Draco chin tenderly and turned his head towards him. He saw how dull his eyes were, but thought it was because of Draco's anger at him. He pressed a gentle kiss on Draco's lips.

"Draco?"

"Yes."

Indifference would help. It didn't matter which cage he chose; the one where he left his soul behind tonight or the one where his soul died piece by piece through disappointments. But disappointments didn't seem so bad anymore when you looked at them without emotions.

"Stay here. I need you." Harry cuddled against Draco's chest and pressed his lips against his neck. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

And I still believe that I cannot be saved
And I still believe that I cannot be saved
And I still believe that I cannot be saved
And I still believe that I cannot be saved

oOo