Do you love me more than your zampakuto?
By zenithoflife
The day in Sereitei dawned bright and cheery.
No one, least of which, a certain Kurosaki Ichigo, could have expected the following events that would unfold, also unleashing a massive destruction the likes of which Sereitei could have foreseen. But all of them could agree on one thing—the blame of it all could be put squarely on a certain 10th division fukutaicho who had an enormous bosom the size of Kuchiki Byakuya's ego. Not that they would say that in the vicinity of said egoistical captain—but that wasn't the point.
Yes, indeed. It was a unanimous decision by all parties involved that the blame was all laid on Rangiku Matsumoto, and her horrendous radio station.
……
'Hey! All you girls, listen up!' The cheery dulcet tones that distinctively belonged to Rangiku Matsumoto, filtered through the speakers of a radio.
Rukia perked up at this while Ichigo merely grunted as the sounds of Matsumoto's capacious bosom jiggling could be heard through the microscope. It was probably causing many shinigami men to salivate at the very thought right at this moment.
And that, reflected Ichigo with uncharacteristic vindictiveness, was probably the reason why Radio 1151 was the most popular radio station in the whole of Sereitei. Because of Matsumoto's voluminous bust.
He for one had no interest whatsoever in Matsumoto's bust size. The fact that she was most probably a Z cup—not that he had been looking, mind you, but it was just so in his face—and not to mention the overwhelming fact that he had been squashed into the hollow between her infamous bust before… It was almost as if she was aiming to strangle the victim with her two fleshy mountains that passed for breasts. He shuddered at the very thought.
It probably appealed to sick perverts like Kon and his stupid father, but—and here, he looked over at Rukia, who was listening to the radio who loved the radio with an intensity that was bordering on the obsessive—he already had a troublesome woman in his life, he didn't need yet another one. Not to mention that Rukia would most likely castrate him if he dared to look at another woman.
Said woman used his lapse to chuck a pillow at his face.
Completely ruining the moment, he grumbled inwardly to himself, as he defended his obliterated honour heroically by flinging the pillow back at her. Couldn't a man just indulge himself in looking at his girlfriend's face?
'What on earth are you looking at, you moron?' Rukia glared. 'Especially with that stupid dazed look on your face. God, no wonder my brother thinks that you are so imbecilic.'
Well, thought Ichigo, scowling. I can't very well tell you that I was thinking about the size of Matsumoto's hideous bosom and contemplating the possibility that they were breast implants amongst other things…
'Like whether it was possible to kiss her when she was listening to the radio,' cackled his Hollow with devilish delight.
Ichigo's face flushed a deep crimson as he attempted to flush out a rather graphic image that involved Rukia and him on a bed…
Goddamn hollow, thought Ichigo irritably. How the fuck was a guy supposed to get some privacy around here with a freaking Hollow in his head putting indecent images in his mind when he was not—definitely not—trying to envision Rukia with a derriere and him doing all kinds of shameless things to certain parts of her anatomy with his mouth…
Bloody hell. He was getting a fricking erection with the stupid thoughts his fucking Hollow kept putting in his mind.
Damn, I need a cold shower, Ichigo thought as he shifted uncomfortably. He didn't need this when he was in Sereitei, his head lying in Rukia's lap whilst he kept a close look-out for Kuchiki Byakuya and his sudden appearances which were always accompanied by a burst of sakura petals.
It was as if he had some private stash of sakura blossoms that could always be summoned at the least notice.
Ichigo chuckled at the thought of Byakuya slicing off sakura blossoms with the hilt of his Senbonzakura for the sole purpose of making himself more feminine.
Hmmm, he contemplated. I never saw him with any girl—after his wife—Hisana, wasn't it?—had died. But Renji is always with him. Maybe he swung that way?
Ichigo cringed in barely concealed disgust before realising that his sudden erection had subsided. Well, thinking about Byakuya and Renji together was a great way to kill his unwelcome boner…
Any anyway, Orihime, Ishida, Tatsuki and Chad had accompanied them to Sereitei. Apparently Tatsuki had developed something akin to a crush on Renji.
Not that the redhead was rejecting her advances, thought Ichigo grimly. He definitely returned them with rather reckless abandon…But if he dared to injure his best friend… nakama or not, he would definitely bankai his ass all the way to heaven.
Damn, Rukia was looking at him with a look that was appeared as if she was wondering about the state of his mental wellbeing.
'Wait,' Ichigo frowned, as he recalled her last statement. 'Byakuya called me an imbecile?'
Rukia groaned and ignored him as Matsumoto's voice issued out of the radio again.
'So, to all the girls out there, the most popular question this week in Sereitei's Love Connection is…' Her voice trailed off as Rukia waited with bated breath.
'Do you love me more than your zanpakuto? With special permission from Yamajii taicho, you are even allowed to ask these questions to your captains!'
Ichigo took one look at Rukia, and thoughts of everything else flew out of his head as he saw her lips move into The Question.
Oh god, he thought, as he picked himself up and ran for his life, jostling clumsily into Byakuya who had just opened the shojo screen, before disappearing out of the Kuchiki estate.
He would later laugh over the image of Byakuya being knocked over on his regal ass by Sereitei's only substitute shinigami, but now, all he could concentrate on was to get the hell out of the way before Rukia could ask him The Question.
The dust left in his wake as he scrambled past the gates and out of the estate did not go unnoticed by Byakuya. Who was left sitting regally on his posterior, Rukia noted, as her boyfriend all but flew out of the house.
Byakuya looked up impassively and thanked the gods that one look of his could send the boy fleeing.
He tsked. The Byakuya-patented glare was still as effective as it was when he levelled it at all of Hisana's previous would-be boyfriends… He really had to keep practising it in front of his mirror. But really, he thought that the imbecile would have more guts than that…
…….
Ichigo skidded to a stop as he almost collided into a panting Renji, who strangely enough had come from the vicinity of the house where Tatsuki was staying while in Sereitei…
'Hey! Watch it!'
Renji's head shot up. That voice, that stupid shock of orange hair that could beat the best timing of his hair when it came to standing up in the rain…
'Ichigo?'
'Who else, dumbass? Use your brain. If Tatsuki was in Sereitei, wouldn't I be too?' He grumbled.
'What the hell?' spluttered Renji in outrage. 'Who are you calling a dumbass? I was just dazed for a moment damnit!'
'I saw you coming from Tatsuki's house like you were fleeing for your life, you coward!' glared Ichigo, pointing an accusing finger at the redhead.
He noticeably stiffened. 'Like you didn't either from Rukia's house! I bet Taicho threatened to go bankai you with his sword and you ran off!'
Ichigo bristled at the false accusation of his cowardice –and that he couldn't deal with a certain captain's absurdly pink frilly zanpakuto—before he slumped down on the side of the wall.
'It's all that damn Matsumoto's fault. She and her stupid weekly question!' He groused. 'And damn all the women for listening to that fucking radio station! Now Rukia's threatening to ask that bloody question too!'
Renji smirked. 'You too? Tatsuki was going to ask me when I took to my heels. Luckily I'm faster than her. God, that woman is ruthless when she wants to be. Must be all that kendo training.'
'What on earth did you answer her? Knowing you, you probably ran off like a cowardly dog!'
'So did you! You scuttled away even before she asked the question!'
Huffing in anger, the two men stared at each other, before there was a silent assent to put aside their mutual grievances about the respective women in their lives.
The two shinigami men stood in companionable silence before Ichigo opened his mouth.
'Hey, with all this time on our hands, wanna go do something fun?'
'Yeah, but I wanted to spend some quality time with Tatsuki before she left,' complained Renji. 'Now how the hell am I gonna do that when all she wants to do is to ask the bloody question.'
'Whatever! Stop putting disturbing images in my mind of Tatsuki and you together!' scowled Ichigo. 'And let's go fight. It's too boring to sit around doing nothing.'
He hauled Renji to his feet and the two of them stalked off towards the training grounds—before running straight into a rather distraught 10th division captain.
Not that they would say so. It was worth more than their lives to go into a head-on fight with Hitsugaya when he was in a foul mood.
And this time, he was almost blazing with suppressed anger, freezing a hapless cat on the wall to solid ice, before glaring at it viciously.
'Shiro-chan!' A joyful high-pitched squeal echoed down the street.
Hitsugaya's eyes widened in something akin to fear as he tore down the street as fast as his legs could take him.
Ichigo almost choked with suppressed laughter as Renji bent over half-way laughing his ass off.
He rounded the corner and collided straight into Ichigo.
'Kurosaki! What are you doing here?' He winced as yet another squeal emanated as she rapidly approached the source of his voice.
'Quick! Hide me!' He hissed as the sound of her footsteps could be heard rounding the corner.
Renji grabbed the scruff of his neck and in desperation, threw the short captain into a nearby dustbin can before slamming the lid on hastily.
Hinamori Momo skidded round the corner, sending the gravel flying as she stopped.
Ichigo and Renji moved instinctively to cover the dustbin from the female.
'Ichigo! Renji!' She chirped. 'Did you happen to see Shiro-chan? I have something very important to ask him!'
'Yeah, definitely,' Renji whispered. 'Something of extreme importance. Hitsugaya's almost non-existent love life hangs in the balance of his answer.'
A choking sound could be heard from the inside of the dustbin.
Ichigo kicked Renji's shins as he beamed fakely at Hinamori, who looked shocked.
Kurosaki-kun never smiled! Were her eyes betraying her?
She stared at his smile and the muscle that was twitching in the side of his cheek as he struggled to keep his facial features from returning to his customary scowl.
'Quit beaming,' Renji muttered out of the edge of his mouth. 'You're starting to freak her out.'
Hinamori backed away quickly, as she fled; muttering incoherently about having to go to Unohana for a check-up on her eyes.
Once certain that she was gone, Ichigo peered into the dustbin.
'Hitsugaya? You can come out now. She's definitely gone.'
Hitsugaya climbed out from the dustbin, face flushed a rather deep crimson red.
'Oh, so you and Hinamori are an item?' commented Ichigo. 'I always thought you'll never get up enough guts to ask her out.'
The temperature dropped abruptly, as Renji who was watching the whole scene unfold with something vaguely similar to amusement wisely gave the enraged Taicho a wide berth.
'Ahahah!' laughed Ichigo nervously. His motto was: Never offend any taicho when you could help it. Not that he was afraid of course, just that when said taicho could bankai his ass to hell and back with his absurdly large winged dragon for a sword…
Hitsugaya, glad that his point had been put across efficiently, glared at the yawning Renji now.
'What did I hear about my non-existent love life just now?' He growled.
Ichigo and Renji gulped momentarily.
….
'Ichigo!!!!' That was all Ichigo managed to hear before two beefy muscular arms descended around his neck. 'I was looking for you!'
Ichigo cursed. Was it not enough that his stay had to be plagued with stupid questions about the amount of love you accorded to your sword rather than to your significant other, and now he had Zaraki Kenpachi on his case as well?!
He directed a scowl at the bloodthirsty taicho as Hitsugaya and Renji forcibly loosened the arms that had been trying to kill him.
God, couldn't Kenpachi give him a break?!
Renji laughed as he distangled Ichigo from the clasp of Kenpachi's forceful chokehold. 'He got you there, Kurosaki.'
'Just cut it out, Kenpachi,' Hitsugaya's cool voice spoke. 'We're not in the mood.'
'Yeah,' wheezed Ichigo, massaging his painful neck. 'And when I imagined myself on my deathbed, I've always wanted to be surrounded by my family members, not sandwiched between your hands.'
'Why so down?' Zaraki wanted to know. 'Your girlfriends dumped you?'
Ichigo scowled. Rukia did not dump him. She was just obsessed with asking him a stupid question which he didn't want to fucking answer damnit! And even if he was the smallest bit tempted to pour out all his woes to a listening ear, it wasn't going to be a murderous taicho with an eye-patch instead of an eye who had been itching to kill him since God made the world and declared it to be good.
'Or is it because of the goddamn question?' Kenpachi probed.
'You know of the question?' gasped Hitsugaya. He never knew that the 11th division captain listened to Radio 1151 in his spare time! Did he have some freakish perveted fantasy about Matsumoto? He heard that some shinigami guys did that.
'Not me!' Kenpachi snorted. 'Yachiru does.'
'Which is why I came to look for you, Ichigo!' He bellowed, making all present jump in shock. They could still hardly believe that Kenpachi had feelings.
'What?' yelped Ichigo in shock. 'What's Yachiru got to do with me? She knows I'm not into little kids! And that's—that's just sick!'
Zaraki glared. 'I'm not talking about that you idiot! I just want a good fight to release all the stress!'
'What kind of warped logic is that?!' shouted Ichigo. 'I'm not your private punching bag!'
He backed away trying to escape before the volatile captain could come within a 5-metre radius of him. And knowing Kenpachi, he wouldn't stop until Ichigo ended up being sent home in a paper bag. And Ichigo liked his body parts just fine where they were.
Luckily for him, Renji distracted the wrath of the dangerous captain by smirking knowingly. 'Which is why she's not with you. She chasing you to ask you about the stupid question too?'
'Yeah,' Kenpachi sighed, before he scratched his neck irritably. 'The bloody Matsumoto created a hell lot of trouble with her fucking question.'
'Hey!' Ichigo changed the subject, feeling that Kenpachi was coming closer to the dangerous subject of relieving stress again. He looked at the people around him. 'Ishida and Chad are the only ones who aren't here!'
Renji looked up at the sky and grimaced. 'Sometimes I think that you were really dropped on your head when you were young! Ishida doesn't even have a girlfriend! Neither does Chad for that matter!'
'Yeah, but it's only Chad!' Ichigo scowled. 'Ishida's with Inoue. They got together after he kissed her the last time when they left Soul Society.'
'Really? Kissed her?' Hitsugaya repeated, in astonishment. 'I always thought he would be even slower than me!'
'Wow,' Renji blurted out. 'You finally acknowledged that you're slow. We even had a poll for how long you would take to ask Hinamori out!'
'And you participated?' growled the fuming taicho.
Renji sweatdropped, feeling his imminent death approaching slowly.
'Hey,' Kenpachi interrupted. 'Why don't we ask him what he did to evade the wrath of—Ishida?' He was cut off when the Quincy came rampaging round the corner.
'Help! Inoue's after me!' He screeched, his glasses were askew and his carefully coiffered hair was all astray and flying in the wind.
'Scratch that,' Ichigo corrected. 'He's dead meat too.'
The five men sat desolately on the steps, not knowing what to do.
'The only way out of this,' nominated the Quincy, 'is to approach a woman who's not at all involved in this whole mess.'
'And who might that wonder woman be???' questioned the maddened Kenpachi. 'Someone who doesn't listen to Radio 1151 and who doesn't have a boyfriend…'
'Yeah,' Renji chimed in. 'Everybody in Sereitei listens to Radio 1151.'
Ishida pushed up his glasses. 'Yeah, but I think Unohana-san might listen to us.'
They looked at him with newfound respect. Even in the depths of hell that they were cast into by one devious Rangiku Matsumoto, he could still think about it in a rational manner.
They trooped off to see the captain of the 4th division, for a crash course on How To Evade Your Girlfriends' Wrath 101.
To be continued…