Pilot: "Moms" Candace's Mom (Linda) sends Stacy a gift basket wishing her luck on the new show. Natalie and V-Gal square off in a conkers championship. Dr. Julie Kreebs (Jenny Brown) reports on fruits and vegetables. Jamie (Candace Flynn) and her Sister (Stacy Stacy) perform "Time Travel" on The Aunt Tulips (Charlene Doofenshmirtz) Variety Hour. Candace and Stacy revive the old "Waiting Room" sketch. A new Ichitech toy, "F'ack", is advertised. Candace makes a call to pest control about her bees and her disappointing brother, Pestey Cyde-McClam (Phineas Flynn).

(We begin with a picture of a Man and Woman together)

Narrator: Rakkaus (Finnish for "Love", along with the subtitle "Love")

(We then see a picture of a Man and Woman holding an axe)

Narrator: Rakastava (Finnish for "Loving")

(Picture of a man holding a woman's hand)

Narrator: Rakastaja (Finnish for "Lovers")

Narrator: Rakastava Pari (Finnish for "A Loving Couple", accompanied by the English subtitle "How to Make Love without Touching)

(A freakish cthulhulike being called a lootie appears)

(We begin with a picture of a Man and Woman together

(The Title Sequence for Candace and Stacy Epic Program Amazing Thing plays)

(We see Candace and Stacy in front of a green screen. Candace is wearing a long T-Shirt with leggings and boots, while Stacy is wearing a tank top, shorts, and thighhigh socks. Stacy walks onto the set with a microphone on a collar attached to her neck, which Candace is wearing as well. The green screen then projects a picture of a hallway)

Candace: uh, Hi. My name is...my name is Candace Flynn.

Stacy: My name is Stacy Hirano. wel...(the camera tilts, and Stacy goes over to check it out. As she does so, the screen goes to a test pattern with the words Epic Program. We then return to Stacy's face, then Candace's. Candace grins.)

Candace: Uh, we have some awesome news here, (someone hands her a gift basket) I've got a gift basket from my mom here, saying congratulations on the new show and everything.

Stacy: Sweet.

Candace: It's got a letter on it right here. Let's read what it says here...(opens the letter, looks at Stacy) "Dear Candace, (looks at camera) please tell Stacy that we're so very proud her and think she's very talented (shot of Stacy's face). We love her very much. (Back to Candace's face) Pass along our best wishes. (Looks offput) Love, mom. Kay, well (Stacy reaches out to get the basket) alright. (Stacy puts her hands on the basket) Just hold it here... (gives it to Stacy) kay...

(Next Sketch: EXTREME CONKERS!)

Narrator: V-GAL VS. NATALIE! V-GAL!

(V-Gal is portrated by Candace Flynn)

(Stats on V-Gal appear. V-Gal is wearing a fedora, a short-sleeve t-shirt over a long sleeve t-shirt and skinny jeans with converse. Her hair is in a ponytail)

V-Gal's Stats

Height: 5' 8"

Weight: 120 lbs

Hair Color: Red

Hobbies: Fossil collecting

Special Extreme Conker Move: Orb Weaver

Narrator: V-Gal! V-Gal is short for Vegan-Gal.

(Natalie is portrayed by Stacy Hirano)

(Stats on Natalie appear. Natalie is wearing a pickelhaube helmet, a chili pepper t-shirt, a skort and sneakers. Her hair is done up as a side ponytail)

Natalie's Stats

Height: 5' 1"

Weight: 101 lbs

Hair Color: Black

Hobbies: Ferrets

Special Extreme Conker Move: The Pendulum

(Caption says "'Good Luck, honey!'-Natalie's Mom)

Narrator: NATALIE! OH YEAH! LET'S BEGIN! GO!

(V-Gal lets her conker go, hitting Natalie's conker, but doesn't break it. Natalie responds in kind, and this repeats for a few minutes)

V-Gal: C'mon! Damn! Hit it...C'mon...

Natalie: You can do this, Nat...hit it! C'mon...

(V-Gal makes her conker do a waving motion, catching Natalie's conker on the side)

Narrator: THE ANGRY VINE!

(V-Gal makes her conker do a swirling motion)

Narrator: DOUBLE POINTS FOR A TYPHOON!

(V-Gal makes her conker do a whiplike motion)

Narrator: OH, SHE'S CHOSEN THE WHIPLASH! RADICAL!

(V-Gal has a total of 10,260 points)

(Natalie begins to show some conker moves of her own. She makes her conker do a twisting move that tapers down to a drop)

Narrator: OH YEAH! THE THUMB THRUSTER!

(Natalie makes her conker do a swivel motion that makes V-Gal's conker fly straight up in the air)

Narrator: OH YEAH! DANNY BOY!

(Natalie makes her conker do a swivel motion in a manner that it swivels midway)

Narrator: THE SWIZZLER! UNPRECEDENTED!

(However, Natalie's conker breaks off in the process) (buzzer)

Narrator: MINUS 300 POINTS!

(V-Gal does a victory lap, while Natalie passively aggresively claps)

Narrator: OH! THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

(We zoom into Natalie's mouth, where we see the Lootie again. The Lootie screams)

(A logo with the words "The Only Known Married News Team" spins into view"

Narrator: And now, the only known married news team in the Tri-State Area: Victoria and Charles Hammerberg!

(Picture of Victoria and Charles [portrayed by Candace and Stacy] appears)

Narrator: ...with special news correspondent Julie Kreebs (portrayed by Jenny Brown)

(The screen then goes to a shot of Dr. Kreebs in an apron with some empty baskets. Her hair is in a ponytail and she wears horn-rimmed glasses. She hesitates for a moment)

Dr. Kreebs: (whispering) I'm not ready. I'm not ready yet.

(Cut to the Channel 8 logo for a few seconds)

(Cut to the Hammerbergs talking to each other lovingly and singing The Zelda theme by SOAD. Mr. Hammerberg wears a normal news outfit and has a mustache, while Mrs. Hammerberg wears normal news attire as well. She has her hair in a bun)

Hammerbergs:...Link has come to town. He's come to save the prin...(lights cut back on)

Director: We're live.

(The Hammerbergs look into the camera, then the screen cuts once more to the Channel 8 logo briefly)

(Cuts back to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: I'm not ready.

(Cuts back to the Channel 8 logo)

(Cuts to Mr. Hammerberg (Stacy Hirano) talking into a headset)

Mr. Hammerberg: Thank you, Julie.

Mrs. Hammerberg (Candace Flynn): (offscreen) Somebody, please tell her we're live.

(Mrs. Hammerberg appears on screen)

Mrs. Hammerberg: Julie, back to you.

Mr. Hammerberg: Julie Kreebs.

(Cuts to the Channel 8 Logo)

Dr. Kreebs: (silence)

Mrs. Hammerberg: (offscreen) Julie. Julie, just improvise.

Dr. Kreebs: I dunno what to say. (technician walks in front of the camera) I'm sorry, but we're not ready yet, Vicky and Charlie. We' don't have the fruit.

(Cuts to "CAM 3 STANDBY STUDIO A FEED")

(Cuts back to the Hammerbergs)

Mrs. Hammerberg: I dunno, uh...we don't see...uh, we don't know it's...

(Cuts back to the Channel 8 logo)

(Cuts back to a technician giving Dr. Kreebs her fruit)

Dr. Kreebs: There you are! There he is! Anyway, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, your green grocer. Let's talk fruits and veggies. (looks at bag) What do we have here? (Holds up banana, while a caption, "Bananas: Great source of calcium", appears on screen) You've gotta be an idiot to not know what this is. (hesitates) It's a squash! (holds up a potato) Honestly, I have no idea what this is. (hesitates) I didn't ask for this. (holds up an apple) This is an old standby. The good ol' apple. This time of year is just right for apple harvesting! Apples are good for your health, they're good for your body. I'm Dr. Kreebs for your body. Eat up! (Takes a bite out of the apple, but suddenly spits it out) UGH! (spits) A caterpillar! (hacks up spit)

Mrs. Hammerberg: Well, Charlie doesn't like apples. (grabs his shoulder) But he's strong, isn't he?

Mr. Hammerberg: (does some brrrrt noises)

(cuts back to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: Tastes like crap! No. It's bad! These are rotten apples.

(cuts back to Mrs. Hammerberg, who has a look of disgust on her face)

(cuts back to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, your green grocer. FOR YOUR BODY!

(camera pans out to a frame of Dr. Kreebs)

(cuts to "Aunt Tulips' Variety Hour")

(cuts to a girl [portrayed by Candace] wearing a sweater and a long skirt with her hair in four pigtails. Her name is Jamie. She appears to suffer from some form of seizures and exscema. She begins singing)

Jamie:

(Caption: Jamie and her Sister, "Time Travel")

If I...(hesitates)

(Her Sister [portrayed by Stacy] appears dressed in a dalek-like outfit)

If I could travel in time,

sometime I travel through the air.

Of all of mankind.

And there I find a sister of mine.

We travel through space, (visual effects make it appear as if Jamie's sister blasts off into space)

On her special ship.

(shows her sister in space)

We pass through the stars,

And a lover of Earth,

(the music begins to stall, and Jamie begins to have seizures)

Jamie: AGH! UGH! GAUGH! (becomes nauseous, tries to keep from vomiting, but fails) Ugh! ahhhhh!

(Her sister shakes her head.)

Jamie: (is just about to vomit, when the screen cuts back to "Aunt Tulips' Variety Hour".

(cuts back to Extreme Conkers)

Narrator: FIGHT!

(V-Gal swings her conker to almost impossible heights (as high as a 3 storey building)

Narrator: RADICAL!

(V-Gal begins lure an orb weaver spider out of its tank)

Narrator: ORB WEAVER! 20,000 POINTS!

(V-Gal's conker comes back down to Earth.)

Narrator: TIME TO CARB UP, LADIES!

(Shows the two girls eating bread)

Narrator: FINAL ROUND!

(Natalie responds by making her conker swing in a loop-de-loop around the same height as V-Gal's)

Narrator: LAZY MONDAY! 200 POINTS!

(Natalie then makes her conker move back and fourth, like a pendulum)

Narrator: THE PENDULUM! 1,000 POINTS!

(V-Gal is amazed)

(Natalie makes her conker orbit her head)

Narrator: THE SOLAR SYSTEM! 10,000 POINTS!

(Natalie manages to crack V-Gal's conker)

Narrator: AMAZING!

(Natalie jumps for joy)

Narrator: NATALIE WINS!

(We then see a forlorn V-Gal walking down the street)

V-Gal: Dammit... (kicks a garbage can over)

(V-Gal sits on a bench)

V-Gal: Dammit. (Throws a can in anger) (sigh) Dammit.

Narrator: AMAZING!

(cuts back to Candace and Stacy in front of the green screen where Stacy investigates the camera falling over in slow motion)

(cuts to "Kreebs' Advice")

Narrator: It's Kreebs' Advice with Channel 8's Dr. Julie Kreebs.

(cuts to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: Hello, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs. Do you know what you're supposed to do when you catch fire? Stop, drop and roll! For your body.

(cuts back to Kreebs' Advice card)

(cuts to Stacy in her pajamas standing in what appears to be an elevator door)

(3:34 AM)

Stacy: I just wish we could think up something funny.

(The Old Waiting Room Sketch)

Stacy: OW!

Candace: Just hold up a minute, I'll check with the doctor. (makes typing sounds), Let's see, the answer to your question is you're not sick.

Stacy: Well I've just come up three flights of stairs, the elevator's out, OW! (puts hand on her stomach) OWWWWWWWWWWEEEEE! OWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Candace: (offscreen) (chuckles, then laughs out loud)

(still goes black and white, then the words "Awesome Thing" are written at the bottom)

(cuts to two girls looking bored playing with dolls)

Girl 1: This is boring! I hate my dollie!

Girl 2: I hate my dollie too!

(We hear a quacking sound, and the girls scream as a half ferret, half duck creature flies in)

Jingle: Take a ferret and a duck, and they turn into a F'Ack! It can fly through the air! You can even cut its hair!

Narrator (Vanessa Doofenshmirtz): Yes, F'Ack! Ferret meets duck! It's F'Ack!

Girl 2: My F'Ack's so cute!

Narrator: Go ahead! Give your F'Ack lips! F'Ack!

Girls: We love you, F'Ack!

Narrator: And now, F'Ack is for boys too! But wait! There's more! F'Ack makes a perfect gift for your moms! Granny and Grampa love F'Ack! F'Ack is perfect for teenagers too! Ordinary people tolerate F'Ack every day! Even your pets will love F'Ack! Anybody of any species can put up with F'Ack, temporarily! Put F'Ack in the trunk of your car and ignore it! Build a special room for your F'Ack so nobody can see it!

(Vanessa Doofenshmirtz holds a F'Ack)

Vanessa: And now, F'Ack's perfect for throwing away! (throws it in the trash)

Other Narrator: An Ichitech Toy.

(close up of F'Ack in the trash can, with some creepy special effects)

(cut to Candace holding a ringing iPhone)

Pest Control guy (Frank): County Pest Control, this is Frank.

Candace: Hey Frank! I've got a big problem. I've got bees.

Frank: 'Kay.

Candace: But the good news is: I want bees.

Frank: Heheh, that's funny.

Candace: Well, here's the thing.

Frank: Uh huh?

Candace: My brother Pestey-Cyde's birthday party is on Friday...

Frank: OK?

Candace: ...and I inherited, from my aunt and uncle, 2,000 bees the other day.

Frank: That's nice.

Candace: And here's what we wanna do.

Frank: Uh-huh?

Candace: I wanna paint on my wall, in honey, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PESTEY-CYDE, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. In honey, right?

Frank: Uh-huh..

Candace: So I'll release the bees in the room, and they all go form "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PESTEY-CYDE, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

Frank: So, you brother's name is Pestey-Cyde?

Candace: It's short for Pestey-Cydeson

Frank: Pest..Pestey-Cydeson is his full name?

Candace: Pestey-Cydeson McClam.

Frank: (silent)

Candace: I'm just hesitant, 'cuz all of his friends are gonna be over, and I believe some of them might be allergic to bees, and I am pretty fed up with my brother butting into my business.

Frank: Hmmm...

Candace: So I wanna punish him in that respect.

Frank: Yeah...'

Candace: Right.

Frank: Right.

(Cut to a boy holding a F'Ack with creepy effects)

(Cut to Stacy)

Stacy: Epic Program, Candace.

Candace: Awesome Thing, Stace. Um, thanks for watching, and, um, I actually have a surprise for you. I've brought my mom along, and I think she's got something she wants to say.

Stacy: Ok.

Unknown woman: Yes, I do, sweetie. I wanna tell you that I love you very much, I think you are very talented and funny. You are the apple of my eye. You're the greatest. You've got your own show. (Stacy shakes her head) I'm proud of you! I'm so very proud of you.

Candace: Thanks, mom! (hugs her) Love ya tons!

Unknown woman: Love you too, Candace.

Candace: I love you. I love her.

Stacy: That's not your mom.

Linda: She's right. I'm right over here, honey.

Stacy: That's not even close to what Linda looks like.

Candace: OK, OK. I'm sorry. I messed up. (Microphone cord disconnects)

(Roll credits)

Next Time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing: When Candace is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, Stacy gives her an ornamental doughnut, on the condition that she don't eat it. Can Candace keep her promise, or will she give into sweet doughnutty goodness? Meanwhile, Candace and Stacy write a jingle for Sour Patch Kids.