It was another boring day in forks while the tedious drizzle continued over the green landscape. Edward and Bella were sitting around the Cullen house waiting for something, anything, to happen when Alice burst into the room.
"Oh" she said as she saw them "Hi" and then rushed off into the next room at her breakneck speed. Edward scowled at her as she went past and knew immediately that something was amiss. Bella looked up at him.
"What was that?" she asked. It always seemed to Edward that Bella was slow to react. He sighed.
"I have no idea" he said "she just keeps singing Katy Perry over and over in her head for the last three days. It's starting to get really annoying. Maybe I should just take off Katy Perry's head, that way she couldn't make any more awful music." Bella burst out laughing and bent over. Edward just stared at her as she tried to control herself.
"It wasn't really that funny" he said still straight faced. Bella turned to him, a giant Emmett sized smile pasted on her face. When she saw his expression the smile faded and she died of embarrassment. Literally. Edward held her limp body in his arms and cried "NOOOOOOOOOO!, we weren't even married yet and she didn't get a chance to make a will, and leave me everything she owned!". Edward sobbed into her corpse for all of a few minutes when Emmett trundled down the stairs. He walked over to Edward and the dead Bella and thought he knew what had happened. Nervous breakdown, he thought to himself. He patted Edward on the back so hard he fell off the sofa.
"Don't worry dude" he said "This happened to Rosalie a few months back and she's ok now" and walked out of the room whistling to Katy Perry hot and cold. Edward looked up and murmured "what the hell" when Alice poked her head round the door.
"Don't suppose you have seen a two year old wandering around have you? Hi Bella" Edward gave another sob when Bella didn't respond
"Oka….y" Alice said "I know when I'm not wanted. But, about that two year old? Y'know short, quite young, half human?" Edward let out another sob and Alice turned away "what the hell is up with him. Christ!" then she spotted Emmett whistling away. She ran into the kitchen the stopped just in front of him and blurted out "Have you seen a small two year old child wandering around." Emmett looked at her as though it was obvious to where the child would be.
"Dish washer. Duh." He explained. Alice sped off to the dish washer in search of her lost child thing, she ripped it open just to find dirty dishes and … A baby boot.
She fell to her knees, grabbed the boot and kissed it over and over again crying "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Where is my beautiful, beautiful rental child?
Emmett then walks through the door and abruptly stopped whistling and wet himself at the sight of Alice curled up on the floor clutching a small boot, which was forcefully being wrestled off her by a small chuiauhauh, Emmett then walks over, picks up the rat of a dog then flies out the closed window singing, 'I'm flying without wings'. He then flies into a tree, explodes and turns into THE THING (off of the fantastic four) DUH! He then falls to the floor after the dog digs a hole and buries itself. "I swear this house is cursed" he says as he clutches at the air with his fingers and floats up into the sky. Carlisle burst out of the door after watching Emmett explode in a tree from his study and watches Emmett float into the air. Carlisle sees him float up to about 10,000 ft when he crashes into an aeroplane… shaped balloon. He cringes as his adopted son tumbles to the ground and leaps out of the way just as Emmett makes a crater sized hole where he falls.
"Idiot" Carlisle screams at him through the smoke, in a bad Italian accent. "You just crushed my weeds you clumsy fool." Then a taxi drives up next to Carlisle and the driver, who was Hitler, screams "get in!"
Carlisle leaps in and screams back "take me to the hospital, BITCH!" He's about to drive away when Esmé runs out the house shouting "Hitler baby, I love you!" She falls to her knees and screams and inaudible sound. Jasper runs out of the house with a wooden stake and a kitchen knife. He drives the stake through Esmé's chest and runs off in pursuit of Hitler.
Emmett stands up out of his hole and realises that he is twenty feet underground and is trapped. He uses all of his skills to get out of the hole and stands over his fake mother's corpse and surveys the landscape. The smoke clears and he can see his house is half destroyed. As he wonders how this happens he sees Rosalie running away in a black leather one piece jumpsuit with a pistol in each hand. Trailing her is an army of FBI and CIA agents. Emmett realises that the agents must have blown up the house. Yet again Emmett was oblivious to the truth. Rosalie was actually the one who blew up the house because she was undercover. The FBI and CIA were chasing her before she got to the airport to fly away as part of her carefully planned out… erm, plan.
Further away Jasper had finally caught up with Hitler and his foster father and managed to stop their car by putting a plastic duck in front of it and Hitler didn't want to run it over. Now they were both out of the car and Jasper lunged at Carlisle. He plunged the knife into various parts of Carlisle's body and leaves him bleeding to death. He then turns to Hitler who rips off his German army uniform and throws it to the ground. Underneath he was wearing a karate uniform with a black belt around his waist. He pulled away his hat and his moustache to reveal his true identity. Jackie Chan. Chan crouched in a karate pose and beckoned to Jasper, who still held the knife. Jasper ran at him with unimaginable speed and stabbed the knife at him but Chan avoided every blow that came in his direction with apparent ease. Suddenly Emmett/The Thing fell from the sky and flattened Jackie Chan who was killed instantly. Jasper walked over to Emmett/The thing and patted him on the back.
Emmett/The Thing flinched away, pinned jasper to the ground and screamed "Don't touch me you perv" Then screeched until the police came and took jasper away.
Emmett/The Thing then went back to the Cullen house and found Edward still clutching onto Bella and Alice searching everywhere desperately for her rental child. She had been looking ever since the house blew up all of five minutes ago and couldn't seem to find her rental child anywhere. She ran up onto the roof and searched the sky for a human child? All of a sudden Superman, Batman and Spiderman all came from various directions to bring back Alice's rental child. Superman dropped the child into Alice's arms and Spiderman said "You should really look after these things they get everywhere you know" and they all sped off again.
Alice sighed and said "thank you random superheroes. My rental time was almost up" then ran to her Porsche and drove straight to the rental office. Emmet on the other hand was with Esmé in the back garden as she gasped her last words
"Emmett" She said as she lay on the floor with the stake still in her back "I always hated you Emmett. I thought you were such a jerk all the time to everybody, and I still think that now but at least you're not Edward. He was such a let down and a weird, sad, emo, gay, freak. So in that way I'm proud of you, you big jerkass" And with that she died. Emmett/The Thing walked back to the remains of the house to find Edward digging through the carpet. This, like a lot of things, confused Emmett/The thing. "What areyou doing Edward?" he asked. Edward turned from his 'hole' his eyes puffy and red. He rested the cushion? he was using for a spade on the floor and answered "Digging a grave for my fiancé. Is that a problem with you?" his voice broke toward the end. Emmett walked off shaking his head and making a mental note to phone a shrink at the next opportunity. He walked into the next room and sat on the sofa, which disintegrated under his weight. He sat on the floor with splinters in his bum and turned the TV on.
The TV showed new caster Paris Hilton commenting on the recent escape of a master and very dangerous criminal. Paris said "This very dangerous criminal is still on the loose and if any body sees her then could you please phone the number on your screen now" Emmett looked at the file picture now on the screen. It looked somehow familiar but he couldn't put his finger on it. Hmmmmmmm… That's it. Rosalie. He called to the rest of his family "Hey look guys Rosalie's on TV. Isn't it cool." Then the small dog thing in Paris Hilton's purse, ripped her face off and the world was a better place
THE END