I had the boy in my arms, he was crying; sobbing in fact, had been for the past five minutes. I knew I shouldn't have shoved him, multiple times into the ground and I knew I shouldn't have yelled at him. But honestly I had no idea what to do. I mean what would you do if your saw a Brother destroying the evidence of his failed suicide? I didn't know that he had gotten this bad; I knew he wasn't doing great after getting out of jail and the thing with the fucking traitor Miles. Truth was, I was rattled, and I mean why didn't he come to me about this? He's always confided in me with a whole lot of personal shite, but why not now? Especially with this. And also I couldn't lose him, I've already lost so much in my life, I couldn't lose him too.
After ten minutes I couldn't hold him any longer. "Juice?" he was still letting out little sobs. "Juice, yeh gotta get up Brother, I canno' keep holdin' yeh like this." He finally stood up and pulled away from me. He turned his back to me, sniffed a couple of times and wiped his face with his hoodies' sleeve. He rolled his shoulders back, standing up straight and slowly turned to face me. I couldn't quite see the look on his face as it was too dark here but it seemed hardened, like stone. This was completely different to the 'deer caught in the headlights' look he had when I arrived and caught him trying to get unhook the chain from the branch.
"I suppose yeh not gonna tell me what tha' was about?" I asked gesturing towards him referring to the little intimate moment we just experienced together. "Or even the suicide…" gesturing to the chain that I had dropped at the branch that seemed to have broken off the tree.
He replied with a no in a monotone voice, I then pushed him further, "Have yeh spoken to someone about this?" To which he replied with another no.
"Why didn' yeh come to me before Juicy? Or go to one of the boys?"
"And say what? That ever since I got out everything has turned to shit. The shit with the Russians, with the coke and then Miles," he'd said this in a booming voice, his voice breaking when he mentioned the bastard. "That I can't sleep at night because all I see are the Russians faces that I killed and then I turn around and see Miles' dead body, waking up hoping that it wasn't true, that killing them happened in my dream. I mean I knew that when I finally did kill someone it wouldn't be all sun shine and daisies but I didn't expect to feel like this." His rage started to fade and he was speaking quieter. "Confessing that kind of shit to a brother is what gets you labelled as untrustworthy. I'd rather die knowing that my brothers love me even if they found me hanging from tree and questioning it than them thinking me of untrustworthy. I love you Brother, but I couldn't risk coming to you and telling you the truth." He looked up at my face then and I don't know exactly what he saw but he faked a slight laugh and said, "Ha right, cry me a river, like you need to hear about this."
"DO you want die, Juice?" asking a bit harshly. He replied with a swift shake of his head.
"Juice, I know where you're coming from; I've been in that head space when I first killed for the Irish, but to actually go and try kill yourself…?"
"Yeah, well I failed, I'm alive and…" He said; his sentencing fading.
"Well I'm not leaving you tonight, so ride bitch and I'll take you home. We can come and pick up your bike in the morning." My voice was firm, so he didn't go against it.
The ride to his house was a good thirty minutes, but within ten he was falling asleep; I could feel his grip loosening and his head jerking every few minutes. I took my time driving, enjoying the ride despite spending the whole trip nudging him, making sure he wouldn't fall off the bike. When we arrived in his driveway I waited for him to get off and then basically dragging him inside and forcing him into the shower to wash off all the dirt and leaves and the day away. While he was in the shower I made the both of us eggs and toast, ass there wasn't much else in his fridge. When he came out of the bathroom he just had a pair of sweats on and no shirt, I could see there were bruises forming on his back thanks to me shoving him earlier. We sat down and ate without much conversation. Juice stood up and cleaned up after we finished. He was in the middle of washing up the dishes when he went quiet. I looked up from my seat at the table and saw Juice in some sort of trance. He was staring at the bread knife he had in his hand, I called his name but he didn't seem to hear me. So I slowly rose from my chair and made my way towards him, careful not to startle him. I said his name again when I reached him, to which he replied with a "yeah" that came out as a murmur, his eyes still on the knife.
"What are yeh doin', Brother?" I asked in a whisper. I deliberately reached out with one hand and held the knifes' handle over Juices' hand and loosed his grip on the knife and with my other hand grabbed the instrument. Juice didn't protest he just lowered his hand and stood quiet for a few minutes.
"I don't know," he said, almost forgetting that I asked him something. He closed his eyes and shook his head hard, getting himself out of his dream state and then just continuing on with the dishes as if nothing happened.
The dishes done and the kitchen clean we ended up in the lounge room watching some old black and white movie that Juice picked. I was slowly drinking a beer while Juice was knocking back several shots of whiskey, after my discord. The movie ended and Juice was passed out with his feet on the coffee table and his head on my shoulder. I nudged him awake and helped him to his room and into his bed as he was tripping over his own feet and he fell asleep almost immediately. I went to the kitchen and fished out a bag of frozen peas to put on his neck and a glass of water and aspirin for him to wake up to. I put the glass and aspirin on the bedside table and the peas on his neck. He flinched at the sudden coldness but didn't reject it. His sleeping form looked peaceful, as though nothing had really happened.
I went into the lounge room and took a seat on the couch, taking off my boots and placing both my gun and knives on his coffee table and lay down and tried to sleep and prepare what he was going to say to Jax in the morning.
Please let me know what you think of the story and if I should continue with it or not