ECHOES OF LOST CHANCES

A Marimite oneshot featuring Yumi x Sei

Synopsis: Sei has become such a popular writer that she has Lillian's library named after her once she donates her new bestseller's royalties to the school. What she doesn't expect is to reunite with Yumi and spend a night of drunken revelry with her, dredging up sad secrets and possibilities that she and Yumi would rather forget.

Thank you for reading, and please leave a review or send me feedback if you liked it!

The upbeat but relaxed piano melody lilted through the yawning chamber as the cream of Lillian College's alumni laughed, giggled, and shrieked excitedly amongst each other after more than ten years apart. Be they wealthy professionals, or the wives of wealthy professionals (these were really the only two paths Lillian set women up for), it was a delight for the mingling Old Girls to see each other again. Those who were once soeurs, or who had maintained contact over the years of adult success and failure, found an especially exquisite joy in reunion. The Roses of the Ogasawara generation – Sachiko, Rei, and Shimako – were all present, and surrounded by adoring ex-kohai in their resplendent dinner dresses.

"An outsider would assume we're the center of attention. But whenever she's here, we're pretty much invisible compared to her light," laughed Rei, as Yoshino clutched her arm possessively, glaring daggers at anyone who even as much tried to get within arm's reach of her cousin. While Yoshino was herself very beautiful, her signature long dark braids complementing her yellow gown, Rei with her short, gelled hair had stolen the show with an almost androgynous, tailored suit that playfully accentuated what the girls loved most about her: a protective physique made all the more desirable by an exceedingly feminine heart. Her career choice fit her and Yoshino perfectly: their co-owned bakery had Rei oversee the baking and recipes, and Yoshino the hardheaded day-to-day management.

"She's late. Again," sniffed Sachiko, in a magnificent vermillion dress. She sniffed the champagne glass a waiter had handed her and sent it away on another's tray, evidently used to something more expensive. "Why all this fanfare for a mere writer when onee-sama moves in much more important circles?"

"We know, we know. Youko-sama is a partner at Ito and Mitomi. She earns oodles and has government officials and CEOs as her clients. You can stop praising her all the time in your financial column," laughed Rei. "You shouldn't get jealous just because Sei-san's hammered out yet another bestseller, even if you do write for the Asahi Shimbun. Maybe you should quit journalism to match her success," she teased, earning a glowering look from Sachiko. "But seriously. Her books are household names. We've got girls, alumni or no, who'd kill for her autograph on their copy. I'm pretty sure that's a big deal. Pretty crazy that onee-sama's her publicist now, right? You'd never have thought they'd work together back in the day, when they couldn't stand each other."

Sachiko nodded. It was indeed unfathomable that Sei and Eriko actually made pretty good collaborators.

"But perhaps it's because Youko-sama moves in such high circles that she is a bit removed from the rest of us," observed Shimako, her curly tresses lovingly styled by Noriko, who was on a business trip overseeing a new round of shipment of materials for new statues at Shimako's temple. Volcanic stone from Norway, premium lumber from Nigeria… Since wealthy landholding clans still owned Japan's monasteries, including Shimako's, there was big money to be made in the temple construction business. That, and Noriko was able to fulfill her dream of staring at Buddhist things all day. As for Shimako? With Noriko around to help her take care of the temple, delaying her planned entry into a convent actually wasn't so bad.

A tinkling of a wine glass in the distance echoed through the chamber as the headmistress, a spritely nun, took to the podium. "Former Roses, soeurs, and students," she proclaimed. "The lady I'm about to introduce to you actually needs no such introduction. I'm expected to drone on a bit about the long history of our school and how it instills the feminine values of patience, wisdom, and love in our girls. But to be honest, we were once not so sure our guest of honor would actually end up embodying any of those values," she chuckled, earning scattered giggles among the gathered alumni. "But somehow, she stumbled through her years, even earning the position of Rosa Gigantea and a devoted bouton who also oversaw a wonderful year as her successor," she said, gesturing at Shimako in the distance, who blushed as some eyes turned to her. The nun raised her hand. "Today we are gathered today here to honor our former White Rose, Satou Sei, who has built a brilliant career for herself as one of Japan's premier drama novelists. And since she has donated most of her royalties over the past year to our new library, we are proud to announce that we are naming it the Satou Sei Library. Without further ado, please welcome this exemplary lady for our girls, past and present."

"There she is," murmured Yoshino, her cheek pressing against Rei's arm amidst the uproarious applause, squeals, and shrieking. The soeurs stared at the silver gown-rocking Sei, who looked her usual, infuriatingly poised self as she bowed to the headmistress and stood in front of the podium, waving indulgently to the adoring fans who constituted pretty much everyone assembled in the hall. "She still keeps her hair short. It suits her."

Sei waited for an entire minute before the applause died down. She began to speak, giving a quick nod in Sachiko's direction. "Thank you, headmistress," she began, grey eyes twinkling, "for making me a permanent blight on this school's landscape." Laughter rippled amongst the women, and the nun shook her head permissively. "I know I'm ever the charmer, but I never expected the teachers still wanted to remember me at all, let alone see my name on a school building every single day – "

An angelic, singing voice suddenly interrupted her, and the whole hall went deathly quiet. Who dared interrupt the idol of Lillian? Sei's eyes widened at the small figure moving towards her. Women opened a way for her, shuffling aside as she strode in Sei's direction with purpose, still singing beautifully. That long, free hair. Those warm, fearless eyes. For the first time, the superstar was starstruck herself.

Sachiko smiled, as her friends looked on admiringly. "You're not the only one with surprises tonight, Sei-sama," she murmured to herself.

As she completed her rendition of Ave Maria, Fukuzawa Yumi strode up the stage, stopping before the podium and staring at Sei. Her voice went quiet. "You said you wanted a gift," she said slowly, in a red dress that mirrored her grande soeur's. "The abbess passed on your email to onee-sama. So… here I am." The gorgeous woman flicked back her long hair, the childish pigtails a long-forgotten memory. "Surprised?"

It took a few moments, but finally Sei got it. She slowly stepped away from the podium and opened her arms. "My little kitten," she said, voice trembling, and Yumi dashed forward, hugging her tightly as the hall erupted into applause once more. "My kitten," she croaked, unable to quite process her surroundings. Yumi's scent was overwhelming – forget her Chanel perfume. And her touch… the silken fabric of her dress, the cool softness of her skin! "It's good to see you again. Sachiko won this time. Completely."

"Congratulations on having a school building named after you," whispered Yumi, her hot, Chardonnay-smelling breath on Sei's bosom. "We used to measure our time in single years. How naïve that was. After these decades, you're still the center of attention – now that's a real achievement. You just can't let that go, can you?" She lifted her head from Sei's chest and glanced at Sachiko, who was walking towards them. "Onee-sama, do you mind if you check in our room first?" She looked at Sei, smiling. "I think we have a lot to catch up on."

To Sei's surprise, Sachiko didn't even flinch or frown. Years ago, she'd throw a fit if there was even a hint of affection between her bouton and Sei. But now? She simply nodded. "Take as much time as you need," she said. "Don't go breaking things."

Sei glanced at the mistress of the Ogasawara family. "Thank you," she said, sincerely and humbly.

Sachiko could sense the candidness, and returned with an equally warm recognition. "You deserve each other, in the best sense possible."

Sei stared at Sachiko. Something had changed in her. Something had… transformed her, almost unrecognizably. The old Sachiko was cultured, courteous, and refined, no doubt. But this Sachiko? She was… mature. Inner peace and security wasn't exactly the watchword of the old Red Rose. Had a similar transformation come about in Yumi-chan?

The party was to continue for several more hours at least. Even Sachiko, Shimako, Rei, and Yoshino would be too tired to stay behind for long. That was perfect. It would give Sei plenty of time to keep her gift of the evening, Yumi, to herself. Looking back on tonight, however, perhaps she was overeager for Yumi's company. For she should have been prepared that with a reunion after such a long time, things would have inevitably changed. And to this day, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to see those changes staring in her face.

It was completely dark in Lillian Library (soon to be renamed Satou Sei Library), save for the full moon shining past the tall gothic windows. But the empty hallways were certainly noisier than they usually were at one in the morning.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee – oh, shit!" shrieked Sei in delight as the swivel chair Yumi was pushing her on lost control, sending her careening painfully into the end of a massive, oak bookshelf. Several hardcover tomes fell painfully on her as she sprawled against the shelf, taking another intoxicated swig from the bottle of Asahi. Yumi was in a mess too, running laboriously to catch up to Sei with one of her dress's straps having fallen past her shoulder.

"My feet are killing me," groaned Sei, clumsily grabbing her high heels and tossing them aside. She beckoned Yumi over, who drunkenly pushed away the chair, sending it crashing loudly into a desk. "Come on, let's finish the beer."

"We really shouldn't be doing this," puffed Yumi, following Sei's lead and flicking away her heels too. They clacked onto the ancient wooden floorboards. She slumped down opposite to Sei, propping herself against another bookshelf. Their bare legs crisscrossed and touched, toes brushing against the other woman's. Their bodies were inches away from each other in the cramped corridor, where students would usually be quietly perusing monographs and periodicals. "We don't want to ransack your library completely before it's even renamed."

"That was an awesome ride. I think I'm going to have a heart attack," whispered Sei, leaning over, grabbing Yumi's arm, and pressing it to her chest. They looked at each other excitedly, as if sharing a naughty secret. "See how fast it's beating?"

A pink blush crept across Yumi's face. "Yes. I feel it deeply, Sei-san. Your heartbeat is echoing throughout my own body."

She swallowed, gesturing at her neck. "May I have some? My throat's dry."

"Yeah, sure." Sei handed Yumi her bottle, and Yumi quaffed down a few gulps of the beer. Several silent minutes passed as they quietly regained their breath. Their eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and they were staring broodingly at each other. The moonlight was barely enough. "You'd never do this with me twenty years ago. You'd be terrified of whether we'd be suspended or if I'd get in trouble."

"Maybe. But I could still be full of surprises, couldn't I?" Yumi smiled. "I could always make you laugh. You loved that about me."

"I loved everything about you," corrected Sei.

Yumi's eyes glinted. It wasn't so easy to figure out what she was feeling inside anymore. "Do you have kids now, Sei-san? A husband?"

"Neither. I'm in a happy relationship, though. Youko's fine with the way things are. I still need a bit of freedom to myself." Sei lowered her head, holding out her hand, and Yumi passed her the bottle. She swung her head back, guzzling down several mouthfuls. "Do you think I'm being self-indulgent?" she asked, breathing heavily. "Is there any meaning to slapping my name onto this library? Isn't it hypocritical? I once hated this place. Now, I'm a part of it forever."

Yumi shook her head. "I couldn't be prouder of you. You can't be so hard on yourself. After you left me, you were actually pretty into your literature courses, weren't you? Youko-sama might have been privy to your darker side, but I only know you as the teasing, life-loving Sei-sama of the Gigantea family."

"I loved life because of girls like Youko. Like Shimako. Like you. We were close. So very close," prodded Sei.

"Almost like soeurs," agreed Yumi.

"More than that. More than anything this school could offer," insisted Sei, almost to her own surprise.

Yumi's eyes glimmered. "That was a long time ago. You meant a lot to us. But I… haven't thought about us that much. I mean, you and me."

"Us. What did that mean? For us to think… about us?" whispered Sei, and she was pretty sure it wasn't the alcohol talking.

Yumi got the gist, but she wasn't buying. "We were kids, Sei-san. You messed around with me. I let you because I loved you. If you were happy with it, then I'd be delighted to be yours. But it was still just messing around."

For some reason, Yumi's words really hurt, even though Sei didn't expect a different response. It was completely true that Sei had been messing about when she fondled Yumi. She had too many emotional commitments to ever belong to one woman alone, be it to Youko, or Shiori's ghostly presence, or Shimako. But had there been no expectation between Yumi and her at all? It had been too many years, thought Sei sadly. Even if there had existed some hint of seriousness behind all the playful caresses and resistance, neither could remember it anymore. But Yumi wasn't finished. "I'm moving to Denmark with onee-sama. She has a flat there. We're looking to be more open and forthright about our relationship. Maybe we could get married there." She stared at Sei, and her message couldn't be clearer.

She had chosen Sachiko, even as her bare foot gently rubbed against Sei's leg.

"I love her, Sei-san, and I want to take care of her."

Sei should have seen that coming, but for some reason, it was all the more crushing when Yumi expressed it in words, as if there was some kind of finality to it all. The novelist smiled, but it was a bleak smile. To think Yumi had once fretted about how she would cope without Sei near her. "And in the meantime, you and I all but lost touch. Why?"

Yumi shrugged. Her kind but self-assured demeanor was worlds away from what Sei was used to or was comfortable with. "Neither of us is to blame. You disappeared on a trip around the world. I moved out of Tokyo. You got Eriko-sama to be your agent; I followed onee-sama into journalism. In just a few years, people were talking about you and Murakami-sensei in the same breath."

She sighed, as if remembering something that could have once been, but couldn't be seized again. "We live in different worlds, Satou Sei. We always have. For the briefest of moments – for just a few years – our worlds intersected. I was so drawn to you. But a few decades went by. Time puts a much greater distance between us than any physical obstacle."

They continued to gaze at each other. "There really is no catching you off-guard anymore, is there? You've moved on. Moved on to somewhere I can't even catch up to," murmured Sei, almost in despair. "When did you become such a philosopher?"

"I'm just quoting one of your characters," giggled Yumi, unable to stop laughing at Sei's shocked look. "From your first bestseller, remember? Look how forgetful you are. I guess you've written too many books to recall every single detail. Don't say I made it up."

"Damn. Bested by Yumi-chan. Who would have thought?" Sei grimaced as she raised the bottle to her lips and realized it was empty. She glared up at the ceiling, into the darkness above her, where even the distant moon's shine illuminating Yumi's face couldn't reach.

"You meant something to me. I really believe that." She hated how those words sounded so bitter coming out.

Yumi smiled sleepily, sensing her pain. She had matured and she knew it. But being mature didn't mean being heartless. It wasn't surprising Sei found all this a bit hard to accept. "You'll always be part of me, no matter who I've chosen to spend my life with. People are complicated like that. You always loved many women effortlessly, remember?"

Yumi looked down at the wooden floor, her long fingernail trailing a random circle. "You were never meant to be possessed by a single person. But such freedom can also be its own prison, too."

"I guess this is my karma then. To see the one girl after Shiori I wouldn't have wanted to let go of… let go of me." Sei staggered up and hurled her bottle away, listening to it shatter loudly on the ground somewhere. "All gone." Her knees buckled as she slumped back down. "I don't feel so great. I think I might barf."

Yumi's eyes never left Sei. "Sleep, Sei-san," she murmured, visibly exhausted herself. Her long brown hair spilled down messily behind her as she continued to sit back against the bookshelf. Their dresses and limbs were still intimately entwined. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll watch over you."

Sei's head began to loll to the side. "Yumi-chan," she murmured almost inaudibly. "Is it still okay to love you?"

Yumi was on the verge of falling asleep too. But her mind and heart were clear. "Why not? I still love you, too."

With those reassuring words, Sei let herself go and slowly slipped into slumber. Yumi, true to her word, didn't surrender to her drowsiness until she could hear Sei's loud, slightly hilarious snore.

Sei's eyes fluttered open and she twisted her wrist, glancing groggily at her Rolex watch. The hangover felt terrible. "Guh… what the…" She moaned. "What's the time?"

"Seven forty-five, Sei-san," came Yumi's voice, and Sei suddenly felt two gentle but firm hands slip themselves under her armpits and drag her away amidst broken beer bottles and scattered books. How dignified. "You're supposed to be at breakfast, and there's a speech you need to give a couple of hours later. Only then is class dismissed. Come on!"

Reeking of alcohol, grimy, and unbathed, Sei stared up, meeting Yumi's tired but loving eyes. How pathetic. So very pathetic.

"Thank you, Yumi. For everything," she croaked hoarsely.

Yumi smiled warmly. "God keep you from harm, Sei-san."

After a hasty shower in the gymnasium bathrooms, Sei made her way to the elegant dining hall of Lillian College, where Yumi had changed into a simpler red blouse, and was sitting quietly with a likewise more casually dressed Yoshino and Shimako. They were just finishing their continental breakfast of croissants and orange juice, and Shimako smiled tenderly at the approaching Sei and signaled for the other to raise their heads. "In the end, I'm more used to seeing you in jeans than a dress," said Yoshino, grinning.

"Yo," said Sei, chuckling. She adjusted her creased white shirt and leaned over the three women. "Yumi and I pulled an all-nighter. I feel like I could throw up anytime."

"You're surprisingly weak with your drink, Sei-san," said Yoshino mockingly. "And don't you dare throw up all over us."

"That's why I should get a bit more rest. Shimako, can you knock on my door in the hotel before the library's inauguration ceremony? I got one more last damn speech to make."

"Of course, onee-sama," said Shimako, putting her hand around Sei's and squeezing. "I've got your number. I'll call you beforehand, just to make sure."

"Yeah. That'd help. I sleep through several alarms if I'm tired enough."

"You're too woozy to write down anything now, so I'll pass on my number to Shimako-san for you later too," said Yoshino. "You really should visit Shimako-san's temple from time to time. And what about Rei-chan and my bakery?" Her dark eyes were somewhat reproachful. "Sometimes, we lose touch for the stupidest of reasons, like, you know, forgetting to talk to each other."

"Damn true. Good advice, Yoshino-chan. I won't make the same mistake again." Sei glanced at Yumi, before seizing up involuntarily inside.

Yumi didn't move. Her brown hair was still slightly mussed. She only stared up at Sei lovingly, her eyes portals to a time long lost to them both.

This was it. If there was ever a moment where Yumi could rebuild that bridge to the past, with a number, with an email, with anything – this was the time.

"Get some sleep, Sei-san," she urged quietly instead, taking a sip of her juice.

Sei smiled wearily. "Yeah. Yeah, I will," she replied, rising and turning away. "See you guys at my farewell speech," she called, turning away and making her way out of the refectory.

Not even a Line account, thought Sei bittersweetly to herself. You're cruel, Yumi.

Had Yumi held back deliberately? Had she feared if they were to begin texting, then emailing, then meeting more often, Sachiko's happiness would be jeopardized? That Youko might be in danger of losing Sei?

Sei would never know. Perhaps she didn't want to know. All she knew was that Yumi was the bravest woman she'd ever loved. She had become like Shiori: for their own sakes, Yumi took the first step in sacrificing what could have been. But that came at such a cost. Sei no longer even cared about the farewell speech anymore. Her name on the library's façade, her upcoming bestseller, her royalties – all of it seemed so ridiculous now.

All she knew was that this morning, the morning after her night with Yumi, a part of her past – a part of her – died.

ECHOES OF LOST CHANCES

THE END