AN: So, firstly – I know this storyline has been done before. And done well. :-) Then why am I reinventing the wheel? Excellent question. I was craving writing a long fic; something that had a bit of everything and this concept wouldn't leave me alone. My muse is fickle that way; it takes hold of something and then refuses to allow anything else in. Frustratingly annoying.
Secondly, I'm actually writing this well ahead of what I'm posting (woohoo, I'm not generally good with that). So, I've got something like 13 000 words written, which is probably about three chapters, and I intend to keep ahead of my posts by multiple chapters. It is nice to have goals isn't it? Ha ha. Just kidding, I do promise to post regularly.
And thirdly (and lastly, you'll be pleased to know) it starts off with a truckload of angst. And the angst will continue to pop in and out, amongst hopefully, a mix of humour, drama, character development, a moving storyline…you get the picture.
It's rated M for a reason. There will be sexual references and relevant sex scenes as the fic progresses. I won't warn in individual chapters; don't read unless you're interested in that kind of thing.
Long Author's Note really. Sorry about that. My ability to ramble is quite annoying!
Cheers, Author's Tune.
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Arizona Robbins, a paediatric surgeon, award recipient, committed wife and loving mother; sat helplessly in the hard plastic waiting room chair staring constantly at the bickering staff behind the administration counter. She thought maybe if she was unrelenting in her presence, then the impersonal and frustratingly incompetent staff would get annoyed and let her into recovery to simply rid themselves of her. But they didn't. They bitched, they gossiped, they even smirked at each other when various nurses came for paperwork; they left phones unanswered and they ignored the clearly anxious family members hanging on their every movement.
She couldn't believe she was back in this waiting room, the same horrific pale blue walls staring back at her. Just six months previous, she had been forced to sit, feet tapping constantly as she waited for Callie to be out of surgery. It might have been a short, uncomplicated and routine surgery, but it was still a surgery. And she knew what she would find when she was finally permitted to be in there with her, the same tearful face she could barely bring herself to look at and the trembling hand she would force herself to hold securely, when all she wanted was for someone to hold her own. But there wasn't anyone there with her six months ago, and there certainly wasn't anyone sitting next to her now.
For the first time, she wished she were the one in the operating room. She couldn't stand by and watch her wife disintegrate, only to be built back up and destroyed all over again. When they had decided, almost a year ago that they would have another child; one together, there was never need to consider who would carry the baby. It was always Callie, the one who basked in her pregnancy hormones and who excitedly clapped her hands when Arizona had whispered into her ear in the middle of the night.
I want us to have another baby.
Arizona could still hear the ecstatic squeal and the very passionate sex Callie had initiated in response. She thought it would make them happy; she didn't for a moment consider that it would fail. Maybe she should have thought about it, pre-empted the worse case scenario. Why couldn't they have a happy ending for once? Was it really that naïve of them to believe that they could just make a decision and have it work out?
And for their pregnancy to fail twice; there were hardly a crueller fate. They had been so cautious this time, so much so, that they were probably over negative. Trying to prepare themselves for the potential loss, the one they knew from just a few months earlier was a possibility yet still, believing deep down that lightning couldn't strike twice. Even as accomplished Doctors, they held the one thing that kept patients coming back for more and more devastating treatments and surgeries. Hope. A tiny smidgen of blind hope.
Clenching her fists and shaking her head, Arizona rolled her feet a few times before opening her palms and pushing the armrests to stand. She strode to the counter, holding her hands behind her back. "I just wanted to check on Calliope Torres," she said, forcing the dissent out of her voice. "Doctor Calliope Torres," she added when she received an amused look from the staff.
"I'll phone in," one of them eventually responded when Arizona failed to move away, just continuing to stare at them expectantly. "It was a routine procedure, there's nothing to be concerned about."
They had made a choice to keep this pregnancy quiet but it also meant that they weren't seeing a specialist at their hospital. Instead, they were across town at a day surgery centre, where no one knew them and basic communication skills were clearly absent. The Obstetrician was incredible though, nationally acclaimed and the person who had worked with them through their assisted reproduction process. Arizona had no concerns for the surgery itself. What she didn't want was Callie lying by herself after surgery, staring at the ceiling with a million self-deprecating thoughts rushing around her head.
"I'll wait here, whilst you check," Arizona stated.
Surprised eyes glanced back at her. "You can take a seat Miss," one muttered, flicking through the papers on her desk. "Umm, Miss Robbins."
Arizona sighed heavily, although she despised people who used their status in an attempt at special treatment, she had just about had enough of the imbeciles she had the misfortune of staring at for almost two hours. "Dr Robbins…Arizona is fine. And if it's all the same to you, I'll just wait here until you get back."
Again, three sets of eyes focussed on her intently, a silent battle of wills. Arizona squinted and shrugged; people often underestimated her stubbornness. "Of course, I'll be back in a moment."
Arizona almost smiled, just a slight twitch of her lips. "Thank you, I appreciate that."
Minutes passed and she didn't move; the remaining staff behind the desk sitting silently, sharing only an occasional glance with each other. It was awkward but necessary; if she went back to her seat she would be quickly forgotten. It was difficult knowing both sides, patient and hospital employee, she couldn't just idly wait around knowing how mundane this procedure was to the people behind the scenes. Which is fine, for the staff; in fact she probably had the same approach to an appendectomy. Although she hoped that she had more respect for the parents of the children that came under her knife, even the simple cases. Routine or not, it was still a loved one unconscious and being cut or scraped apart; it tugged at the invisible strings that knotted people together.
"Dr Robbins, you can come through, she's just out of surgery now." Arizona drew in a sharp breath; 'she' had a name. Her partner, their patient, had a name.
"Thank you," she replied instead of using the voice that rang in her mind, desperate to call this nurse on her impersonal error.
Arizona was led through a few corridors, vaguely familiar from their previous visit, until she reached a small area that held six or eight beds with curtains drawn around. She was directed to one of the bays at the edge, quietly drawing the curtain and confirming it was Callie before she slipped inside, securing the material behind her. Callie lay on her back, eyes closed and head leaning to the side, her mouth slightly ajar as she drew in slow breaths. Arizona stood at her side, lowering the rail and reaching to push some hair out of Callie's eyes and behind her ear. "Hey," she said softly when Callie blinked wildly before her heavy lids dropped, still under the influence of remnants of the anaesthetic agents that had been used to sedate her.
"Arizona?" Callie questioned, her voice hoarse and tone low, the word being drawled out.
"Just rest," Arizona answered quietly, sitting down next to her and holding her hand against the bed. She leant forward and pressed a slow kiss to Callie's knuckles, her head thumping and stomach heavy. "You'll wake up soon enough," she added, inaudible to anyone but herself.
They had seen so many family members over the years, sitting by beds, waiting desperately for their loved one to wake up. And Arizona had been forced into the role a few times too often, the days that she sat by her after the car accident, pleading and begging for her to wake up. And then this; waiting for Callie to rouse from another anaesthetic, fighting against the drugs that would quickly work their way out of her system.
"Arizona?" Callie asked again, just a few minutes later, the haze still draped over her mind. "Am I done?"
Arizona nodded, drawing herself to sit upright, her free hand gripped around Callie's arm, stroking at the skin on the inside of her elbow. "You're all done."
"Okay." She lapsed into silence again, closing her eyes for a few long seconds before opening them again, eyes darting around the room until they would fall briefly on Arizona and she would relax again. The pattern repeated itself, the seconds ticking by. Eventually, Callie's eyelids stayed open a little longer and she was able to focus on her wife.
"Do you feel nauseous? Any pain?" Arizona asked softly, watching Callie wince as she moved herself slightly on the hard mattress, the trolley squeaking, metal grating.
"No," Callie answered, eyes starting to stay open, the dark brown irises dull and clouded. "I'm alright."
"Good," Arizona stated, forcing a smile on her lips. "I'm so glad I'm in here, you should have seen the bitches behind the desk – you thought our work was bad with the politics. At least everyone can be nice to patients and families, even if they want to kill each other. This place though, it's insane. I couldn't sit out there for another minute so I had a bit of a standoff with the staff." She was talking for the sake of talking, filling in time, distracting Callie or herself. She wasn't sure. They didn't need silence right now though.
"Standoff?" Callie politely asked, although she cared little for the story. The sound of Arizona's soothing voice, she did want to hear.
"Yep. I stood in front of the desk, used the whole 'Doctor' strategy and wouldn't move until they checked on you and let me in. Seriously, there are people that have been sitting out there for hours. One guy said his wife was just having a skin lesion removed and he's still waiting."
"Thanks. It's no fun waking up to no one."
Arizona smiled. "I hate waiting out there, it's awful. I'm not at all patient."
"No, you're not," Callie agreed a little too quickly, earning a soft chuckle from Arizona.
The curtain was drawn open, suddenly interrupting them as their Doctor strode confidently in. He was a tall man with hair that was a bright blond with pale, almost transparent skin. His eyes were a phenomenal blue and he had mastered the art of eye contact, speaking easily with his patients. "How are you doing Callie?"
"Fine thank you," she responded, smiling. The words and sentiment a stark contrast from the expletives she would have liked to have uttered.
"Everything went as expected, there were no complications or surprises. You took some effort to get under this time, so you might find yourself a little drowsy for a while. We gave you some extra Midaz in the end."
Callie shrugged and Arizona appeared unfazed. It wasn't significant and most patients wouldn't even be told, but he knew of their circumstances and professions well. Most medical professionals wanted the extra detail, comparing it to their experiences and knowledge, and this way it saved them trying to read through the chart for the surgery report at the first opportunity.
"But again, all went well. As you know curettes can cause some scarring but really, your cervix and uterus looks pretty good."
"Okay, so still no obvious reason?" Arizona asked softly.
He shook his head slowly, "I can send the tissue to the labs for testing if you like. I think that's reasonable given the circumstances and consecutive miscarriage. But you both know as well as I do, sometimes this just happens without a definitive cause and particularly given the circumstances."
"What do you want to do, Callie? Do you want check?"
Callie shrugged, eyes darting from the sheets to the curtain and over the ceiling. "The surgery, the trauma from the accident. Could it just be that?"
"As we've talked about, it's a possibility but there's nothing obvious, no clear reason for why you couldn't carry another child to term."
"How about I just send it off for some basic assessments and I'll have the results if you want them in the future. I'll be ready for you when you feel up to trying again. But I really stress, there's no rush. Talk about, give yourself some time, I'll have an appointment ready for you when you decide."
He left them then, giving a slight smile as he turned and left, taking Callie's chart with him for updating. Straightening her fingers, Callie tried to slip her hand out of Arizona's grip but she held on silently. "I can't do this again," Callie stated strongly, a thick lump in her throat.
"We can talk properly later, Calliope."
"No. I don't want to do this again; I don't want to go through this. Lying here – I just can't do it okay?"
Arizona nodded slowly, "Okay. Whatever you need perfectly okay." Returning her face to Callie's fingers, she turned her head until her cheek came to rest against their joined hands. Blinking furiously to halt the tears, Arizona drew in slow and deliberate breaths, distractedly kissing her wife's thumb whenever thoughts started to rush away with her.
They remained that way until a nurse ushered Arizona out, ready to get Callie up and dressed before they moved her to the post operative seated area. Arizona slipped obediently away, headed knowingly towards the waiting room again, although remaining in the hallway just inside the entrance. She withdrew a phone from her jeans pocket, dropping her handbag to the floor and leaning back against the wall. She scrolled through her contacts list, pressing at the screen and holding it up to ear, eyes downcast as it rang. Going directly to message bank, she stumbled over her words, clearly emotional. "Hey Teddy, it's just me. Call if you get a chance, I'm just waiting for Callie at the hospital; ummm…she's just had to have another D and C. Crap hey? Talk to you soon."
Teddy had been the one saving grace for Arizona when Callie had miscarried the first time. The simple text messages and occasional coffee; just enough of a supportive outlet for Arizona to keep up the stable strength that she perceived she needed to uphold for Callie. Both Arizona and Teddy were incredibly similar, their friendship an interesting dynamic. They tended to miss significant chunks of each others' lives, and when they eventually had a meal in the hospital cafeteria or a drink at Joe's, they could hardly believe they hadn't actually got around to sharing the current news. Still, the simplest phone call or helpless look across the Attending's Lounge and they would quickly rush to provide whatever was needed.
Feeling her phone vibrate in her hand, Arizona quickly answered after a glance at the screen showed it was Teddy calling. "Hello," Arizona answered.
"Hey Arizona, I just got your message. My phone was ringing but I was in the middle of having Yang rant and rave at me. Sorry."
"Oh it's fine, really. I figured you would be in surgery or something."
"No, not at the moment. Do you need something? I can come over and wait with you, it would just take me a few minutes to sort out my list or I clear your surgeries for tomorrow. Do you need me to get anything for the apartment? Some food?" Teddy paused to exhale. "Sorry, slowing down. How's Callie? How are you doing?"
"Oh you know, fine I guess. It's not like we haven't done this before."
"Like that makes it any easier."
"Yeah, I guess. It's just…really really crap. Callie's, well, Callie's refusing to do it again. She said she's done."
"Probably not the time to be discussing things with her though, Arizona. You both need some time."
Arizona sighed and nodded, witnessed only by the plain walls. "I know. I just; I hate this so much."
"Not a lot to like about it," Teddy validated. "Can I do anything? What do you need?"
"I don't know," Arizona admitted. "Take my place?" she suggested sarcastically, releasing a nervous laugh. "Maybe just sort my surgeries for a couple of days; I had Callie's schedule cleared but I didn't…I just said Callie needed some time off."
"Consider it done, Arizona. Not a problem. And hey, you're not being all superhero like are you? Callie doesn't need that."
"Yeah yeah," Arizona muttered. "Thanks."
"You'll let me know how things are going? We'll meet for coffee in a couple of days?"
"Yep," she replied softly, her voice hesitant and distinctly cracking.
Teddy waited patiently, briefly hoping that Arizona might elaborate, share some the emotion she was containing. "Just call any time and tell Callie I'm thinking of you both. Things just don't make sense sometimes; life can be unfair," she added when only the sound of shallow breathing met her ear.
"Yep," Arizona repeated, feeling a tear escape and track slowly down her cheek. "I'll talk to you soon," she added quietly, wiping hastily at her face and drawing the phone away from her ear, she terminated the call.
She didn't notice the nurse in pale green scrubs motion to her from down the hall and continue walking towards her when Arizona went oblivious to her presence. "You're Arizona?"
Arizona startled, jumping slightly and raising her hand to her chest, the phone pressed against her shirt. "Sorry, yes. Is Callie out?"
The woman nodded quickly and smiled. "I can take you through," she said gently, the first person to demonstrate any form of empathy all day. "If you're ready?" she asked, taking in the tear-filled eyes on the blond.
"Of course," Arizona answered, blinking quickly to clear her vision, bending to grab her bag and following quietly. "Thank you."
Callie was sitting in a recliner to the side of a large, almost empty room, just a few other patients in similar positions. She had a tray wheeled over her lap, an orange juice and unopened sandwich pack in front of her. "Sandwiches, seriously? Why do they always give sandwiches?" The brunette muttered, her hair tied back in a loose ponytail with strands falling chaotically across her eyes and shadowing her jaw.
Arizona smiled, rubbing her hand over Callie's thigh as she sat on a vinyl chair next to her. "They have to see you eat after the anaesthetic, you know that. Just eat half and have the juice, try not to vomit and that'll keep them happy."
"Blech. You said that last time."
A swell of sadness crossed both of their faces, though they pushed it quickly away. "And was I right?"
"I suppose so," Callie nodded, watching Arizona open the plastic container and hand half to her.
"Did they give you any pain relief or are they waiting for you to eat?"
"They said they would give me ibuprofen after this, but I'm feeling okay, just some cramps." She bit into the sandwich, screwing her nose up at the stale, lettuce and tomato filled bread. Looking up at Arizona, she chewed and swallowed, resting her head back against the chair. "I bled quite a lot, after. But it seems to have slowed; we have to come back if it gets too heavy."
Arizona nodded slowly, focussing on keeping her hand moving rhythmically over Callie's leg. "Did they want to keep you in overnight?"
"Nah, not that I would anyway. But no, not necessary; it's not like we can't manage at home."
"You'll tell me, if it's worse?" Arizona asked hesitantly and Callie gave her a confused look.
"Of course. Why? I'm hardly shy, Arizona."
She wasn't quite sure how to explain herself, how to portray that she was concerned that they had taken one too many chances, that their lives were teetering on the edge of a spectacular disaster. That she didn't know how to manage this stoic Callie; that she could barely wait to get home, just so they could curl up in bed. She would lay behind Callie, hold her tightly and cry into her back. She would carefully hide her grief, the tears silent as Callie sobbed, holding her hands in a vice like grip. "I just worry about you, that's all. You've had so much surgery, trauma."
It was different last time; Callie had been barely able to open her mouth without tears welling. She had needed Arizona to lead her to the car and their apartment, she had used Arizona's arms to hold her upright in the elevator, stumbling to their bed and barely moving for almost two days. Arizona had done everything for her, a glass of water regularly held to her lips and small bite sized pieces of fruit slipped into her mouth each time she woke.
Callie shook her head strongly, reaching out to press an index finger to Arizona's lips. "Shhh, medically I'm fine. It's all okay."
"I phoned Teddy," Arizona said quickly, changing the focus before her mind ran away with her. "She's going to have my surgeries cleared, covered I guess, for a few days. Yours should be done, but I'm sure she'll check."
"Good," Callie nodded. "I want you home with me."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, of course." Again, Callie looked quizzically at Arizona; there was something uncharacteristic about her hesitance and lack of confidence. "How about you eat some of this and we can leave sooner?" Maybe they were just out of their comfort zone, hating being on the receiving end of medical care.
Arizona offered a small smile, dimples barely showing. "You know I hate those more than you. Just have a few more bites and drink the juice."
They continued to chat quietly as Callie reluctantly force-fed herself, making easy small talk about work and Sofia. Arizona had been in contact with Mark and Callie had sent a text message earlier in the day, he would pick up Sofia after work for the next few days, keeping her at his apartment if they needed the space or happily bringing her back if they preferred. She was just over three now and a bundle of inquisitive energy; everything was an exciting adventure. She adored running around a park or building dolls houses out of boxes, and she would happily sit for an hour in the evening, listening to Arizona or Callie read her books. She loved learning new words, pointing at the pictures and declaring the term in English and Spanish; and her sentence construction was impressive, she was always anxiously waiting for anyone to listen to her stories. She hadn't quite mastered choosing the right language for her audience yet and occasionally would start gesturing and talking, needing a little nudge to switch to English. And she was incredibly perceptive, possibly too much so for a child; knowing exactly when her parents had suffered through a horrific shift or were trying not to argue in front of her.
Callie had always been keen for a big family, multiple children at least and she had patiently waited for Arizona to be ready to add to their family. Arizona had slowly adapted to the idea, and like everything with her, it was making the decision that was difficult – the process leading up to it. When she did, all she could think about was another mini-version of Callie and Sofia, her beautiful Latina girls. And Callie loved being pregnant and she was excited to experience a pregnancy that was just about the two of them. They had even talked about attending birthing classes, determined that their baby's birth wouldn't be as sudden, traumatic and premature as Sofia's. But they never got that far and the idea of pregnancy was suddenly frightening, a concept that brought fear and loss. It wasn't what pregnancy should be.
"Right, so, I've eaten and kept it down. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be."
"Good call, is your nurse around?"
Callie nodded, holding her hand up and signalling across the room and received a quick response. "Just wondering if I'm right to go?"
"Yes, if you're feeling okay. I just need to go over the post-op care procedures and give you an info sheet on recovering from an anaesthetic and you'll be right to go."
Callie scowled, shooting Arizona a disgusted look who jumped in to prevent a resentful outburst. "We're good, really. Thank you. We've been through this before and we're both Surgeons, we work over at Seattle Grace Mercy West, so we're up on all the aftercare and things to watch out for. We have a follow up appointment in a couple of weeks and any problems we'll phone or see someone at work."
The nurse blushed heavily; she was the same one from earlier who had treated Arizona with respect and kindness. "I'm sorry, I understand how frustrating it is. How about I get to tick my box and you can throw the information in the trashcan on your way out – and we're all happy? I won't bore you with my usual spiel."
"That will be perfect," Arizona rushed to answer, standing and wheeling the meal tray away from Callie. The nurse gave them both a smile and disappeared for a few minutes, returning with a small yellow envelope. "Thank you," Arizona offered, taking the material and putting it into her handbag.
"The thing about being medical is that we all think about healing in terms of procedures, scars, that kind of thing. Don't forget it's not all medical, that's all; maybe one of the other sheets I put in there would be worth a read. If you feel like it."
Callie leant forward quickly, pushing herself on to her feet and standing. Arizona passed a grateful smile towards the nurse and nodded, focussed on taking one of Callie's hands and resting her other on the small of her back. "Good? Not lightheaded?"
"I'm fine, let's go."
They left quickly, weaving their way towards the exit and to the outside world. Arizona kept a secure arm wrapped around Callie's waist, her fingers holding on to the brunette's hip. Callie slowed only when they reached fresh air, relaxing into Arizona and allowing her to guide her the short distance to their car. They stopped at the passenger side, opening the door and tossing their bags to the floor. Arizona reached inside and bundled a few items from the where Callie had sat that morning, their appointment time and letter, a handful of tissues and a small box of mints, and threw them over the centre console, hearing them land haphazardly on the back seats.
As she stood back, holding the door and waiting, Callie turned and took two steps towards her, arms by her side as she pressed her face into the nape of her wife's neck. She felt Arizona envelope her tightly, holding her securely for a long few seconds. "I'll take you home," she whispered.
Callie made no movement to detach, her body tired and heavy, though she nodded, her forehead moving slightly against Arizona's skin.
Arizona drew back, holding a palm to Callie's cheek and looking intently in her eyes. "Home," she repeated, grateful when Callie obliged, sliding into the seat and allowing Arizona to close the door, unable to halt the tears she had managed to keep hidden all day.
Carefully, Arizona drove back across the city with one hand on the wheel and one available for Callie to clutch. She focussed intently on the road, driving below the speed limit and stopping for every changing light; trying desperately to hold it together through the sound of the grief in the seat next to her.
TBC…