Fight or Flight
/In which Conrad turns into a bat and can't turn back./ "Aw, lookit you," Doc Worth cackled, "you're much better lookin' as a little flyin' rat."
So, I found out about "Hanna is Not a Boy's Name" and it's probably the best thing I've stumbled across in a while.I saw pictures Tessa Stone had drawn of Conbat and I see that he hasn't turned into a bat yet in the comic, so now I'm going to have fun with everyone's favorite artfag and torture him. In the cutest way possible. Come on, he's a bat. Bats are cool, and thoroughly adorable.
(I disclaim all rights to "Hanna is Not a Boy's Name")
It was Mrs. Blaney's fault. All her fault. She was just there, and being all loud and terrifying and hideous. There was nobody on earth that could blame Conrad for panicking a tiny bit when she started hammering on the door, yammering about the racket Hanna was making. "Falk, if that Mr. Achenleck is in there creating a ruckus, I can gladly take him - "
And there had been a weird puffing sound followed by the incredibly uncomfortable sensation of being crammed into a very small box. He must have fallen on his back, because suddenly Conrad was staring dizzily up at the ceiling and wondering why everything around him felt so much bigger.
"GAH!" Suddenly Hanna was there, his face looming above him, and he was enormous.
"Ahhh!" Conrad shrieked in alarm, which in turn made Hanna flail around over him, and Conrad raised his arms over his face in case Hanna came crashing down on him -
Conrad's arms were not his own. They were long and scrawny and covered in bright red hair, and his fingers felt stuck together and they had grown impossibly long -
There was a lot more screaming - "HOLY SHIT! I'M A BAT! A FUCKING BAT!" and "No, no, no, it's okay, Conrad! It's cool!" and "I'M A RODENT, OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" - and somewhere near the door to Hanna's apartment Conrad could hear the zombie's voice saying reasonably, "Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Blaney, we're just having a small crisis, we will be quieter about it..."
Conrad struggled to sit up. His legs were stubby and it was hard to maneuver his wings so that he could support himself in that position. He felt like he was going to fall back over, like a little puffball - which he now officially was.
"What happened to me?" he screeched in horror. Hanna no longer looked alarmed by Conrad's transformation, now looking more fascinated, and the zombie - Fernando, as of late - had wandered over to peer at him curiously.
"It looks like you've turned into a bat," he said unhelpfully.
"Thanks, I hadn't noticed," Conrad said scathingly.
"Well, you, uh, obviously didn't mean to turn into one," Hanna said, leaning down over him. His hands hovered above Conrad uncertainly. "Can you, errr...change back?"
Conrad stretched out his arms - wings, he mournfully corrected himself - and wondered how to turn back into himself. Maybe he just had to concentrate?
He tried to for two seconds, and then panicked. "I can't! I don't know how! Oh my God, what do I do? What if I'm stuck like this forever? Ack!" Something cold and soft slid underneath him, knocking him onto his back again, and he felt himself rising up. Fernando had picked him up. It was degrading, but he felt a bit better to be closer to eye-level with them, rather than them towering over him like they had been.
"You won't be stuck as a bat forever," said Fernando calmly. "Adelaide and Casimiro and Finas can transform themselves just fine. You're probably just new to it."
"That doesn't change the fact that I don't know how!" Conrad cried, waving his wings, upset. Little bat-teeth clenched in a fury, he suddenly noticed Hanna's expression. "...what?"
Hanna was grinning madly. "Sorry, Connie, I know this is probably really stressful, but...it's just you're so adorable right now!"
"Excuse me?" Conrad was mortified. He was not adorable! He was not a little puppy to be fawned over!
"You do make a cute bat," the zombie agreed simply. Conrad scowled.
"I kinda wanna poke your tummy right now," Hanna beamed, and to Conrad's horror, started reaching for him - his hand was huge, and goddammit, Conrad was ticklish as a human and a vampire, he doubted that would change just because he turned into a bat - !
"Don't you dare!" Conrad snarled, snapping his sharp teeth at Hanna's looming finger, hoping Hanna would back off at his warning because there was no way Conrad would put his mouth on that skin, that's unsanitary. Thankfully, Hanna pulled back, a little sheepishly.
"Right, sorry," he said. "We should get you to Doc Worth's place. He'll know what to do."
Conrad blanched at the thought of Worth seeing him like this - all...vulnerable and furry and shit - and slumped backwards with a groan.
Fernando looked down at him in his hands and asked, "Do you want me to carry you there or can you fly?"
Conrad sure as hell didn't want to be carried, but he peered over the zombie's green hands and saw that the floor was a long way down. A wave of vertigo swirling over him, he said, "Uh..."
Fernando saved him from having to admit it. "I'll carry you."
And off they were, Conrad sulking in Fernado's hands and Hanna bouncing along happily beside them. Hanna kept up a steady stream of chatter as they made their way for Worth's alleyway.
"Aw, man, Conrad, think about it! Once you get the hang of turning into a bat, you'll be able to fly! Do you know how bad I want to be able to fly? Like, whenever I take those surveys that ask what kind of superpower I'd want to have most, I'd always say the ability to fly, because it's so cool! And you can actually do it! Well, I mean, not right now at this very moment, obviously, but you'll learn, right?"
"Whatever," Conrad said sourly as they turned down the alley and approached Doc Worth's door. Hanna knocked, calling Worth's name.
"Fer God's sake, Hanna, what is it now?" Worth's voice grumbled from behind the door, and when he flung the door open, his sunken eyes dropped down to Fernado's hands cupped around Conrad. Conrad's stomach sank when Worth's face split into a filthy grin around his cigarette. "Ohhh. I see. Been wonderin' when you'd come to me with 'im as a little furball. 'Bout time, I'd say." He spun on his heel, his coat swishing, and waved for them to follow him inside.
"Wait a second," Conrad furiously. "You knew I'd turn into a bat?"
"Duh," Worth said shortly. "Yer a vampire. Vampires turn into bats. Figgered you knew as much."
"I thought it was a willing thing!"
"Heh," Worth snickered darkly. "It is, but not the very first time." He motioned for the zombie to hand Conrad over.
The filth on Worth's hands swarmed in Conrad's brain and his stomach rolled nauseously at the thought of those hands around him, and also, it was Worth, Conrad would not have Doc Worth holding him! "Oh, no! No, no, no!" He dug his new claws into Fernando's thumb. "You do not let go of me, understood?"
"Well, he - "
"Oh, get a grip, fluffy," Worth sneered as he closed his dirty fingers around Conrad and gave a tug that Conrad knew was gentle but it tore his claws cleanly away from Fernado's thumb like he'd been yanked. Beneath all the hair, Conrad's skin crawled under Worth's hands. Worth took Conrad to his table, Hanna and Fernando following close behind. He sat Conrad on the tabletop and took his wings between his forefingers and thumbs, examining him. "So what're you here for? You hurt or d'you just not know what t' do?"
"The latter," snapped Conrad, trying to pull free of Worth's fingers, but to no avail. His little feet just skittered on the desk, his wings firmly stuck. "I don't know how I turned and I don't know how to turn back. Let go of me!"
"Aw, lookit you," Doc Worth cackled, "yer much better lookin' as a little flyin' rat." He released one of Conrad's wings to poke him in the stomach. "So cute. Sure you don't wanna stay like this?"
"Stop it! Augh!" Conrad wailed, wriggling madly as Worth tickled his belly. "Get off! Stop touching me!"
"So how did he turn into a bat?" Hanna asked Worth. Distracted, Worth stopped tickling him and let go of Conrad's other wing.
"A vampire turns into a bat for the first time as a fight-or-flight response to somethin'," Worth said with a careless toss of his hand. "The transformation is him goin' with the flight response. Somethin' musta scared him into changin'."
"It was probably Mrs. Blaney," the zombie said sensibly. "She tends to stress you out, Conrad."
"I'm not scared of Mrs. Blaney," Conrad said hotly when Worth laughed.
"God, you really are Count Fagula," Worth snorted derisively. He went for Conrad's stomach again, tickling, eliciting a yelp. "Not likin' the ladies, I can understand, but scared of 'em?"
Conrad kicked and waved his wings helplessly. "Get off, get off, get off! FUCKING STOP!"
"Yer a fag, you know you like it - "
"Anyway, we just need to know how he turns back into a human," Hanna said loudly, drawing Worth's attention away from Conrad. "Gn, uh, I mean...vampire."
"YEAH, SO I CAN FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"Aw'right, aw'right," Worth said lazily, smirking down at Conrad. "You turned into a bat 'cause what's-'er-face triggered yer flight response. Stress. 'S easy to turn back to yer decidedly less-than-adorable normal self. You just gotta fuckin' relax, and then concentrate on whatever you were doin' before you turned."
"That's all?" Conrad, Fernando, and Hanna spoke at the same moment.
"That's all," Worth shrugged, puffing on his cigarette. "So go ahead. Calm down."
Conrad tried, but he glanced around at all the eyes fixed right on him. Angrily, he said, "I can't do it with everyone staring at me!"
With a roll of his eyes, Worth took the zombie by his elbow, Hanna around the shoulders, and led them out into the alley. "Make it quick, fuzzball."
The door shut with a click, and Conrad took a deep breath, trying to relax. He channeled all the yoga lessons he used to take - note to self, never let that slip in front of Worth - and tried thinking about peaceful stuff. Beaches. Baskets of kittens. A flower. Being somewhere that wasn't Worth's office. When he felt calmed, he concentrated on what he'd been doing before Mrs. Blaney showed up. He was letting Hanna look at his new iPod, and was shouting over the music because Hanna couldn't figure out the pause button and had apparently never heard of taking the headphones out of his ears -
There was a brief, painful feeling that felt like being pulled like taffy, and an itchy sensation of the fur coating him receding back into his skin and the rustle of his clothing returning to existence around him, and Conrad was himself again. He felt his face, adjusted his glasses, and shuddered. He was never, ever going to turn into a bat again. Ever.
"There's the Conrad we all know and love!" Hanna crowed happily when Conrad stepped out of Worth's office. Worth scoffed.
"What's this 'we' business? I liked 'im better as a bat."
Hanna and Fernando winced sympathetically when Conrad's fist collided with Worth's mouth. Worth staggered, groaning, but grinned bloodily into Conrad's glare and said, "There you go. Free treat. No charge."
Conrad scowled, but he willfully licked the blood coating his knuckles as he and Hanna and the zombie turned to go.
Please forgive me for butchering whatever Tessa's vampires actually do to turn into bats. I pulled that fight-or-flight shit right out of my ass.
Also, I feel awesome. When I finished writing this, I checked the website and there had been an update. I feel like I've been rewarded for my efforts.