Afterwards, Sam wondered why he hadn't seen it coming.
He should've known better than to leave the three of them alone. The two women were clever and headstrong. Leaving Castiel to referee them was akin to expecting a two-year old to supervise a couple of lions.
At times Sam forgot how infantile the angel was, seemingly incapable of learning from past experiences.
Keeping up with Rowena and Charlie was beyond him.
:
"Stop it."
Dean planked his ass on the table to face his sibling. "You know it's useless, Sam. All the brooding and recrimination in the world isn't going to bring her back."
Sam didn't move, nor react. Charlie's death was hard to take in.
What Dean said was true, but when had logic ever been the dominant part of the Winchesters' emotions.
:
However the dynamics of the tragedy continued to occupy Sam's thoughts and he voiced tham to his brother.
"I don't understand Dean. Why did Charlie leave the safety of the warded rooms? Why go back to the motel and put herself in open ground, knowing the Styne family were on her trail. For them, she was the only clue to where the Book of the Damned might be. She had target painted all over her," Sam commented dolefully.
According to Castiel Charlie had been irritated by Rowena's taunts and babbling, and had taken off while the angel had been trying to compromise by dragging Rowena into an adjacent room to get her out of Charlie's way.
Sam had hardly been able to contain his anger at the angel.
"Why didn't you stop her?" he'd yelled. "Made her understand how dangerous it was to go off on her own. Why the hell do you think I'd warded the rooms against every conceivable evil? To keep her safe!
You're a fully powered up angel, damn it, " Sam had spat though gritted teeth. "You should have made sure she was all right! Followed her! Brought her back. I trusted you to look after her."
But Castiel had no answer to give. Not one that would have satisfied an overwrought Winchester.
:
Dean let out a sigh and passed a hand over his weary features, as miserable as Sam at the death of their friend.
"Sam. Why did you lie to me about burning the Book?"
Sam lowered his eyes.
What was there to say other than the time-tried, 'there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, to keep you alive and by my side. Lying is a minor sin compared to the alternative.'
But even as the words ran through his mind, he understood how hypocritical they were.
He'd given Dean hell, and hurt his brother's feelings for allowing Gadreel to possess him, though Dean had been as desperate back then to save his little brother as Sam was now to save Dean.
Desperate enough to lie and kill, to use any means to achieve that scope, even if there never was any intention to cause harm to those around them.
:
He lifted his head to meet Dean's eyes.
His big brother was the only person who could understand, who had seen his soul, who had journeyed through heaven with him, died with him, been resurrected at his side.
"We're dangerous, Dean," Sam declared flatly. "Whatever we do, even with the best of intentions, we end up hurting people. Maybe we should just shut ourselves away somewhere and hope the universe forgets about us."
Dean smiled, though it was a pale fac-simile of his usual engaging grin.
"Yeah,we tend to be a curse to any poor slob that gets in our way, including ourselves. How many times now have we tried to take each other out?"
Sam shrugged. "We were either possessed or under a spell, Dean. It was never intentional."
"No, but the end result would have been the same; one of us kneeling in despair over the lifeless body of the other," Dean answered grimly.
"Listen Sam. I get it, I do, " he continued. "This...need... we have hot-wired into us to save each other's ass at any cost, is unhealthy. What we're willing to do, what we can do with the wealth of the supernatural power at our fingertips is devastating."
"You think I don't know that, Dean?"
:
Sam's eyes took on the dreaded glaze of emotion Dean had never got the handle on dealing with. "But I can't lose you! I know it's fucked up, but it is what it is. It's not something I can turn off. I've been without you three times now and I'm not in the run for a fourth."
"Three times, huh?" Dean frowned. "I made it to hell and to purgatory. That makes two in my book. Is there something you know I don't?"
Sam looked away, a light flush colouring his cheeks.
It had been a slip of the tongue. Dean had no inkling of the agonizing six months he'd spent searching for the trickster after his big brother had died permanently that terrible Wednesday.
"A slip of the tongue. I meant twice," Sam corrected, though it sounded unconvincing even to himself.
"No you didn't. So spit it out."
"It doesn't matter. It was a long time ago."
Sam shuffled uncomfortably on his chair. There was no point in bringing this up now, but he knew Dean wouldn't let it go until he'd spilled, so he might as well get it over with.
:
"You remember Broward County?"
"Yeah, that douche-bag of a Trickster got his rocks off killing me once a day. So?" Dean asked.
Sam sighed before launching into his explanation. "The last time you died it was for real."
Of all the times Sam had been forced to deal with his brother's death, that had been the worst, simply because he'd had nothing to guide him. He had no idea where the trickster was, nor how to get a hold of him.
He'd been younger then, less experienced. Heaven, Purgatory and the fact that the trickster was an alias of the arch-angel Gabriel hadn't been known to him. He been completely in the dark and completely alone, except for Bobby's calls, which he'd duly ignored.
"Sam? " Dean prompted.
"For six months," Sam whispered eventually. " For six lonely interminable months, I was without you."
"What...?"
"I looked, God knows I looked, but I couldn't find a trace of the trickster until Bobby's message arrived. He said he'd found a spell to summon him, but that we'd have to bleed someone dry to get enough blood to cast it.."
Sam remembered how he'd been all too ready to do just that; to take the life-blood from an innocent to get Dean back.
He was a monster, a freak and everyone who'd called him that had been right!
He met Dean's gaze unflinchingly. "Bobby offered himself as the sacrifice...told me to make it quick"
:
"God, Sammy!" Dean breathed.
"I was pretty sure it wasn't really Bobby when I plunged the stake though his heart, but even if it had been... I'm not sure it would have stopped me," Sam admited.
Whatever response Sam was bracing for, he certainly didn't expect to find himself tugged into the circle of Dean's arms, a hand rubbing his back.
"Shh. It's okay Sammy. You don't have to explain yourself. Not to me."
But Sam wanted to see it through now that he'd started.
"It wasn't Bobby thank god, just the Trickster's illusion. Then he appeared and I begged, Dean, I begged him to give you back to me. At that moment I'd have done anything. In the end he did as I asked, but he warned me that always trying to save each other was a dark road to travel. And he was right."
:
Dean wrapped his arms even tighter around his sibling, the warmth of Sam's body comforting him as nothing else could.
"It's okay, Sammy. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Yes you are," Sam answered. "If we can't get rid of the Mark, you're going to turn into a demon, whether you live or whether you die."
Dean finally relinquished his hold on his brother.
:
"Maybe that's how it was meant to be. Here we are setting ourselves up as the good guys while maybe we're the true monsters. I don't have any answers, Sam. I'm not sure of anything any more. What will happen if I can't get rid of the Mark?" Dean shrugged. "I become a demon. It's not as if there aren't plenty around. We've seen how angels can be bigger dicks than demons, so is it really such a bad way to be."
"Dean! " Sam was shocked at his brother's words.
"Hey, it was cool, except for the part where I tried to kill you," Dean grinned. "Only kidding, Dude, but whatever happens there's one thing I'm absolutely sure of, we're gonna stick together. It's the only ending I want and if it happens as humans or demons, I don't really care. Heaven is as boring as fuck anyway and the angels watch over you like jailers so..."
San studied him, not sure what was truth and what was bravado, but in the end it all boiled down to what Dean had just affirmed, and which Sam was one hundred percent on board with. Whatever the future held, they'd find a way to face it side by side.
The end