Feelings can Fix

By Ms. Kinnikufan

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Love. It is a simple word. One syllable. Four letters. Easy to pronounce.

Yet, as I understand, it also a loaded word. The favored definition of 'love' apparently implies great attachment to someone or something.

To say you love someone, it means you are serious about that person. You only want to do good things for that person. You are willing to make one's own self feel pain for that person.

"To make love" to someone means you truly care about them. When I pressed for details about what actions "making love" needs, Cyborg coughed awkwardly and said he had to buy some cigarettes.

I never took him for someone who enjoyed damaging his lungs.

I thought I loved my machines (my "gadgets" as Cyborg calls them), but I now realize what I feel for them isn't love. While I feel satisfaction from fixing things, (I am Fixit and that is my purpose) it is not love.

I thought trying to make Cyborg into a machine was something like love. Because love means you want to make things better for a person, does it not?

I am smarter now. I now know my acts were not even remotely related to love, but selfishness. I was lonely. Though I didn't realize it was "loneliness" until later times.

I thought by "upgrading" Cyborg, I would be helping him, as well as helping myself. He would be 'upgraded' and I wouldn't be alone.

I was alone, I realized now. I just didn't want to upgrade Cyborg, I wanted something...no a someone, to talk too. I had my machines, even though some of them had vocal commands, it was not like real conversation.

He protested his 'upgrading'. I told him I would download his memories for him.

I never thought I would be so awestruck. As horribly cliche as it sounds, his life flashed before my eyes. His pain. His happiness. His frustration. It was all there.

I think his memories helped me remember the feelings I felt so very, very, long ago.

Now, I realize it was me that was broken. He was the fixer.

Many things have happened since then. Gizmo broke into my laboratory and made such a mess. (I wonder if he has found a way to change his sex back yet?) The very awkward time that Killer Moth person and the Titans were forced to take refuge in my laboratory during a serious tornado. The giant robot wars between the Titans and Gizmo.

I have not "connected" as well with the Titan as well as I have Cyborg.

Robin does not trust me completely. Raven is distant to everyone. Beast Boy always makes such a mess and is knocking things that I do not wished to be knocked over. Starfire is friendly, but I think she is truly frightened by me.

Cyborg trusts me. He is not frighten of me. He does not make feel like a freak. He cares for me.

I care for him too. I think I care for him in a way that is the definition of "love", not selfishness. I no longer wish to 'upgrade' him against his will.

I want to be with him. I want to hold him in a way that does not involve fixing him. I want him to smile at me. I want to smile at him, even though I am not good at it.

It makes me feel...warm. It is a ...nice feeling.

I am glad he fixed me. I am glad he was my fixer.